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John Stevenson
12-05-2005, 12:16 PM
A CHRISTMAS STORY:

Once upon a time a long while ago in a land far from the internet there
lived three wise men. Their names were Evan, Mark and Bill.
Originally there were four but the fourth one, Judeas Forrest could
never make up his mind if he was on this list or not thereby making his
wiseness null and void.
So it came to pass that Mark Evan and Bill were thoroughly pissed off
with nothing to do at night having been banned from all the local bars
in the area for either letchering, being drunk, fighting or farting
out loud, but not necessarily in that order.
Now Evan who could be classed as an up market version of Jed Clampett
leant on his zimmer frame and said " I'm pissed off" which proved he
was a wise man as not everybody realises that there are two peas in
pissed.
"Lets do something exciting tonight". This caused a few moments
hesitation and silence as our hero's try to remember what exciting is.
The last exciting thing Mark can remember was putting pork scratchings
in the Rabbi's handbag. Mark's hobby was fishing and he never liked the
Rabbi because he considered the Rabbi had the best bait.
After a few more moments silence Bill realised that he hadn't done
anything exciting since Grade school when he stretched cling film
over the bog in the staff room toilet and hid outside to listen to the
headmasters version of rain on a galvanised iron roof.
In his present position of bouncer at Mothercare life seemed a little
dull.
" Lets go pick some women up" said Evan. "The last women you got
picked you up and that was only because she drove the crane at the
local foundry" said Mark.
"Lets follow that bright star in the sky". said Bill. "What are you
some kind of a pratt?" asked Evan. "Well we haven't anything better
to do". said Bill, which in a way summed up the whole of his life.
"It's pointing towards the desert, how do we get across then?"
"We'll hire some camels from that Dutch immigrant Hertz Van Rental".
So they all troop over to Hertz's place to hire three camels. "How
long will you be going across the desert?" asked Hertz. "Dunno said
Evan, maybe three, four days". "In that case your camels will want
watering up then". "What's that asked Bill? "Well you give the camels
a trough of water to drink and just as it's finishing you creep round
the back and squash it's bollocks with two house bricks, when it gasps
with the pain it swallows two more days water" said Hertz.
"What happens if it's a female camel? asked Mark. "Well unless it's got
a satisfied smirk on it's face forget the house bricks and use a yard
brush instead" answered Hertz.
So two tries later because Evan got his thumbs between the bricks
see's our intrepid hero's on there way with a slight detour to Oasis
Ben Wallmart for supplies.
Exit Bill carrying three bottles of Yousef Walker Red Label Whisky, 25
six packs of Tureg Lager and three bags of smoky bacon crisps. "Bloody
hell said Evan "what have you bought all those crisps for?"

Anyway to continue with the story 'cause I'm getting a bit pissed off
typing with one finger, our hero's cross the desert and arrive at a
little Town called Bethlehem which was a bit like Pitsburg before they
discovered smoke.
Finding the one and only bar called "Two birds in the hand" because as
everyone knows, one in Kate Bush is worth two in the hand, our
travelers enter to enjoy a jar or seven.
"This place is bloody crowded tonight, what's going on?" asked Mark who
is always the last to know anything. Bill asked a passing barmaid for
an explanation but finds out that she's German and the only German he
knows is "Tits un floppen mit der hand un kranken" which roughly
translated means "Could you direct me to the cheapest brothel please".
After further inquires are made it turns out that according to local
hearsay the local Messiah will be appearing. "Well he's not liable to
get much appearance money at this dump "said Evan. Thank God your an
atheist said Mark, "anyway I've got to go for a piss" and left by the
back door to look for the bog. Whilst he's gone Evan and Bill get a
couple of swift halfs in out of the kitty without Mark knowing and
start looking at the local talent. "My God some of these are rough"
said Bill "Yes and the women aren't much better, you need a dog
licence for some of these". said Evan.
Just then Mark comes running back in "Quick come and have a look
there's this bird dropping a kid out in the stable". "Piss off your
pulling my leg said Evan.
"No I'm not, straight up there's this bird dropping a kid in the
stable". said Mark. "If she has a misscarriage can I have the wheels
off it for my zimmer frame? said Evan.

So they all go out to the stable Mark in front, then Bill followed by
Evan because he'd stopped to finish everybody else's drink.
Mark and Bill walked into the stable to witness the birth followed by
Evan. As Evan walks in he steps on a rake which hits him straight
between the eyes. "Jesus Christ" he shouted sinking down onto one
knee with the pain.

"My that a nice name " said Mary "We were going to call him Norman"

Any references to any persons living or dead is purely intentional

Regards,

John S.

PS. Have a nice one

BillH
12-05-2005, 12:37 PM
Which Bill you referring to?
lol

John Stevenson
12-05-2005, 12:39 PM
?

Evan
12-05-2005, 01:18 PM
If I didn't know better I would think you have been snooping around my place. That would explain why the Bear Dog has been barking so much lately. I should warn you the firearms registry notwithstanding Canadians have not yet been disarmed, unlike the Brits. Around here if we hear shots fired we try and figure out what the neighbour is shooting at and if we should help (with the shooting).

As for Xmas I think we'll string a few lights on the Ficus Benjamina and let it go at that.

BTW, don't you have some work to do? http://bbs.homeshopmachinist.net//biggrin.gif

chipeater
12-05-2005, 01:19 PM
Looks like Gert's forgotten to lock the liquor cabinet again http://bbs.homeshopmachinist.net//biggrin.gif

3 Phase Lightbulb
12-05-2005, 01:32 PM
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">far from the internet there
lived three wise men</font>

Clearly can't be anyone we know here... http://bbs.homeshopmachinist.net//wink.gif

Norman Atkinson
12-05-2005, 05:08 PM
Is this St John's Gospel?

Never got past St Mark's. If I recall, he was the one who did a naked runner in the Garden of Gethsemane.

Mum? So that's how we got a cheap birth certificate? Mum?

And then there is place called Evan.
Where only the good go.

Can't work out the Bill one but I know that there was St Guillhem in the Desert. It's next door to a place called Pezenas.
Funny way to spell it- but it gets us past the censor.Bin there- JT! Couldn't find the toilet.

Oh for a classical education.

Norm

wierdscience
12-05-2005, 08:44 PM
Alternate ending-


As the three wise guys left the stable they realized there was more than one camel in Bethlehem.Holy s--- exclaimed Bill how do we tell ours from all the rest?
Evan says thats easy just lift up the tails.Tails?said Mark,just how will that help?
Well replied Evan,as we left the rental didn't you hear Hertz tell his wife that our camel had three a--holes on it's back? http://bbs.homeshopmachinist.net//biggrin.gif http://bbs.homeshopmachinist.net//biggrin.gif

aboard_epsilon
12-05-2005, 08:57 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v190/aboard_epsilon/baby2.jpg