PDA

View Full Version : A Little Humor



IOWOLF
07-18-2006, 02:41 PM
:) Dear Tide:
> >
> > I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of
> > my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in
> > my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some
> > red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started
> > to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain
> > in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood
> > on my new white blouse!
> > I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
> > satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so
> > well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my
> > blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer
> > considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
> > What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder
> > suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product!
> > Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Millman
07-18-2006, 02:43 PM
Ya gotta keep an eye on those wives!

Forrest Addy
07-18-2006, 04:18 PM
Hm. I wonder if her next testimonial would be to the Mason Jar Company praising their canning jars for ther convenience in an emergency food preservation job.

Ooolgh!

Evan
07-18-2006, 05:13 PM
A little boy is frantically running about in the mall looking for a security guard. He finds one and breathlessly blurts "My grandpa is missing, I can't find him!"

The Security guard tells him "Calm down son, calm down. What's he like?"

The boy says "Well, he likes Crown Royal and women with big tits."

Peter N
07-18-2006, 06:24 PM
I was at the pub standing next to man who was on the floor leaning heavily against the bar, drunk. I picked him up off the floor, and offered to take him home.
On the way to my car he fell down three times. When I got to his house, I helped him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times.
I rang the bell and when a woman opened the door I said,"Here's your husband!"
She looked at me for a moment and said, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Peter

Wareagle
07-18-2006, 06:28 PM
http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h15/wareagle1771/badkitty.jpg

TGTool
07-19-2006, 12:47 AM
Joke for the grandkids:

Do you know why eskimos do their laundry in Tide?




Sure, because it's too cold to do it outtide.

Millman
07-19-2006, 04:08 AM
Peter, ......was that you who took me home that night??? Thanks, man.

Ian B
07-19-2006, 06:10 AM
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He worried for awhile, but there was no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's backside was the glass eye staring right back him.
"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me!"



One day a beautiful young woman went into hospital to undergo a routine operation on her private parts. A nurse showed her into the operating theatre, told her to remove her clothes and put her feet in stirrups, legs spread wide.
After the nurse left the theatre, a man in a white coat walked over to her, looked between her legs and walked back to another man in a white coat and they began talking in lowered voices.
The second man then walked over to the woman and began examining her intimately, prodding here and there, then he walked back to the first man and began talking again.
Suddenly a third man in a white coat arrives, walks over to the woman, examines her breasts and feels her backside.
"Excuse me," said the woman, "All these examinations are alright, but when are you going to start the operation?"
"I dunno," said the third man in the white coat, "We're just here painting the corridor!"



An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, .... "I have turtle recall."


A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught-worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob-stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer ."

Ian

alrednek
07-19-2006, 07:08 AM
Just when you thought faith in human kindness was a lost cause.
Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida,
forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's
office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old
lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing
to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Send to anyone you know who
might need a lift today.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor
Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all
alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God
bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate i s 95
and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would
never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day
her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It
was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine,
and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely, Edna