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speedy
08-14-2006, 08:56 PM
The other day I went into town to do some shopping at my favourite store.
I was in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So I called him a piece of dog turd. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a damn; I come into town by bus. I do try to have a little fun each day :D .

HWooldridge
08-14-2006, 09:29 PM
Cute...here's another one.

After a long hard life, an old Louisiana Cajun was dying. As he lay there on his deathbed reflecting on his days, he thought how the one thing he would miss was his wife's delicious shrimp gumbo. While slipping in and out of consciousness, he suddenly thought he smelled that unmistakeable aroma. Dragging himself awake, he peered down the hall and saw her bustling in the kitchen. After many agonizing minutes, he snagged the wheelchair and pulled his tired old body onto it. He wheeled slowly into the kitchen and began to ladle some into a bowl when his wife spun on her heel and slapped his hand, exclaiming, "Ay Sacre Bleu! That is for the funeral guests!"

JS
08-14-2006, 11:34 PM
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman
> on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow,
> just in front of him.
>
> He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even
> though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
> through the intersection.
>
> The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming
> in frustration as she missed
> her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her
> cell phone and makeup.
>
> As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
> window and looked up into the face of a very serious police
> officer.
>
> The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
>
>
>
> He took her to the police station where she was searched,
> finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
>
> After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
> and opened the door.
>
> She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
> arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
>
> He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
> pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
> flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue
> streak at him.
>
> "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the
> 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
> Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
> Christian Fish emblem on the trunk Naturally... I assumed
> you had stolen the car."

BillH
08-15-2006, 12:54 AM
How is a gynocologist and a pizza delivery boy similiar?
They both can smell it but neither can ...
Ah ok this aint the forum for this joke, lol.

IOWOLF
08-15-2006, 07:16 AM
"TATTOOMIKE68"





All in good fun,huh

lynnl
08-15-2006, 12:35 PM
OK, here's one:

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are
the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler
who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff,Fffff,
Fffff'...and before he could say, "F--k," the rottweiler ate him!"

Evan
08-15-2006, 05:58 PM
A gift for those difficult people you know...

http://vts.bc.ca/pics/teepee.jpg

Norman Atkinson
08-15-2006, 06:03 PM
Evan,

We are grate-full to you.

Norm

Evan
08-15-2006, 06:05 PM
Thank my wife, she sent it to me.

Alistair Hosie
08-15-2006, 06:16 PM
A little boy pesters his mother till her ears get hot can I have a bike mah? no !came the reply can I mah? no can I mah? no! this went on for hours till he slumped in the chair looking misserable .In an effort to cheer him up the mother said why don't we play a few games we could play cards! no thanks !he said.Well something else she said why don't you name whatever game you like .Okay said the boy after thinking for a minute I want to play Mummies and Daddies.She is startled but decides to humour him a little ,get up them stairs, and get your selve undressed, and get into bed, said the boy sporting his fathers jacket and scarf and furiously pretend puffing on his fathers pipe.The mother does as she is told.A few minutes later the boy goes upstairs to find his mother in bed waiting for him, what shall I do now husband ! she asks a little embarrased well said the boy clearing his throat yell get your lazy arse up and dressed at this time of day and get down to that shop and get my boy a f$$$king bike woman.

John Stevenson
08-15-2006, 06:20 PM
Thank my wife, she sent it to me.

So someone has a sense of humour

.

Evan
08-15-2006, 06:33 PM
:D
http://vts.bc.ca/pics/pixel.gif

Norman Atkinson
08-15-2006, 06:35 PM
There's guy in another posting wanting to split his nuts.
Sir John- youre the Bridgy Guy!

And who will help another to harden his parts?

Where, pray, are we all going?

Time we did some serious script writing.

Norm

HWooldridge
08-15-2006, 07:19 PM
Another Cajun joke...sorry, it's all I know...

Two Cajuns, named Clarence and Thibodeaux, were always yelling at each other across the bayou - screaming obscenities, nasty hand gestures, the whole nine yards. This went on for years. Finally, the parish road utility came by and built a bridge across the bayou. When it was finished, Thibodeaux's wife Marie says to him, "Say, Thibodeaux, all dese years you been yelling 'crost dat bayou at dat Clarence. Why doan you go ober dere and kick his tail?"

She kept at him so finally he worked into a lather, "By God, you right, mon cher, I'm going right ober dere and give him a thrashing." Off he marches in the direction of the bridge. Five minutes later, he comes back trembling and pale. He said, "Oh my Marie, I done t'ink I make a big mistake. I go off to whip dat Clarence but when I get to de bridge, it say clarence is 15' 9" - but I can tell you he doan look dat big from 'crost de bayou!"

John Stevenson
08-15-2006, 07:38 PM
There's guy in another posting wanting to split his nuts.
Sir John- youre the Bridgy Guy!

And who will help another to harden his parts?

Where, pray, are we all going?

Time we did some serious script writing.

Norm

Sorry Norm I hate the bloody things, over rated, crude, wimpy and did I mention over rated ?

As regards the hardening thread yet another post with no idea where he's located.
How the bloody hell can people help if they can't help themselves.

There is a hardening plant just across the road from me, literally 5 minutes walk but I don't suppose that will help him if he's in North Carolina.

.

cuemaker
08-15-2006, 08:14 PM
A Mexican family at home. Mom is in the kitchen baking. Little boy put flour on his face and says "look mama, I am a white boy!" Mama slaps him in the face and tells him to go show his dad.

" Look Papa, I am a white boy!" his dad slaps him hard across the face and tells him to go see his Grandmother.

"Nana, look! I am a white boy!" His Grandma slaps him acros the face and sends him to his mother.

He enters the kitchen and his mother asks if he has learned anything.

The little boy replies " Yes Mama, I have been white for only 5 minutes and I already dont like you Mexicans!"

wierdscience
08-15-2006, 09:19 PM
Little boy was born in Cajun country and his parents named him Poopoo Thibodeaux.From that day forward everybody he meet made fun of his name.This went on till he was 30 years old and one day he got tired of it and got his name changed.

First thing he did after leaving the courthouse was go home and tell his mama.
'Mama,I got my name changed because I was tired of all these people making fun of me".

She asked,"well son what did you change it too?"

He answered-"Poopoo Boudreaux"

gizmo2
08-16-2006, 12:11 AM
Jose is out on the stoop on a Friday night with his young family. His buddies come cruising by, say "Hey, Jose! Come on man, come with us!"
"No, I can't, I gotta do little Jose's diapers."
"What are you talking about, 'doin diapers'. Ain't you never heard of Huggies, man?" NO, what are Huggies? "Come on man, we'll go get you some Huggies!"
So they take Jose off to the WalTarg and buy some disposables.

Next Friday rolls around, Jose and Little Jose out front again. Little Jose is waddling around like a duck, his diaper is LOADED, practically to his knees. His buddies roll up again and spot the rugrat. "Damn, man, you got to change that thing!"
Jose grins, "No man, it says right on the package; 12 to 18 pounds!"

rsr911
08-16-2006, 01:26 AM
A blond's housecatches fire so she calls the fire department in a panic,

"Hurry, hurry come quick my house is on fire" she exclaims, "Settle down ma'am, now how do we get there" replies the dispatcher. A dumbfounded bond in here best blond voice replies, "uh the big red truck, duh...." :D

Seems the local autoparts store has been making a fortune lately, what with that 100% markup on "710" caps...


Why do blondes have bruises around their belly buttons? Blond guys are dumb too...

10 blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes

10 blondes standing shoulder to shoulder? Windtunnel

Brunnette between two blondes? Interpreter

A blonde with her hair dyed brunnette? Artificial intelligence.

A somewhat wealthy but not so suave man notices a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar and decides to sit down next to her. Rather than small talk he gets right to the point and asks if she'd sleep with him for one million dollars, the woman thinks for a moment and replies that she will. The guy, happy to hear the reply says "how about for five dollars" to which the woman replies in an angry voice "what do you think I'm a prostitute!" "Well we've already established that..." replies the man "...now we're just bartering on the price of the goodies"

A.K. Boomer
08-16-2006, 01:58 AM
I heard this in fifth grade and its the only joke iv been able to retain,


Two ovaries are talking to each other and the
conversation goes something like this --- Right Ovary; Say, did you order any new furniture latley?, Left ovary; No --- why?, Right ovary; cuz there's two nuts down there pushing up an organ...:o

Evan
08-16-2006, 01:58 AM
If you turn three blondes upside down what do you have?






Two brunettes and a redhead.

lugnut
08-16-2006, 02:21 AM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
“It’s worse than that” said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!":eek:
Mel

dewat
08-16-2006, 04:17 AM
The Guys' Rules********************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Peter N
08-16-2006, 04:36 AM
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Peter

Peter N
08-16-2006, 04:40 AM
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say,
"It's all right?" When it isn't all right !

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Peter

dewat
08-16-2006, 05:02 AM
Two lawyers are in a bar, in walks a pretty woman. One lawyer says I'd like to screw her, the other says, Out of what?

john clements
08-16-2006, 06:08 AM
Even dumb blondes have intelligent DNA in them at some point in their lives - but 95% of them spit it out.

John C

HTRN
08-16-2006, 06:45 AM
How is a blond like a full bottle of beer?

They're both empty from the neck up!


HTRN

TGTool
08-16-2006, 10:53 AM
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first." Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN an other until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And, just like you said, he became as gentle a s a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear."

tonydacrow
08-16-2006, 11:49 AM
The President of the United States decides he wants a western Whitehouse located someplace in California, so he orders the Secret Service to come up with a good location. The Secret Service decides upon a piece of property near Los Angeles in the Cleveland National Forrest.

However, as it turns out, President Bush is allergic to rabbits. Therefore, the Secret Service decides it needs to determine if rabbits exist at or near the proposed site.

First, the Secret Service contacts the CIA. The CIA proposes using their array of spy satellites to gather and analyze infrared heat signatures for potential rabbit sign. They then advise flying drones over the area to monitor cell-phone “chatter”. Finally, they suggest sending “ground assets” into the area to gather direct intelligence regarding the potential presence of the unwanted Leporidae.

Next the Secret Service contacts the FBI. They propose convening a grand jury to conduct an extended financial inquiry. They suggest a subpoena for bank and other financial records in order to initiate a tax investigation into the potential fiscal activity of rabbits which could point to their presence in the disputed area. The final stage of the investigation involves FBI agents in bunny suits, neckties and dark glasses attempting to “infiltrate” bunny organizations in the area.

Then the Secret Service contacts the LAPD. The LAPD immediately sends in two patrol cars. Within fifteen minuets, they come out of the area with a large grizzly bear in handcuffs. The bear has a broken jaw, a black eye and several cracked ribs. As the bear is being pushed into the back seat of one of the cruisers, he can be heard screaming “OK, ok, I’m a bunny. I’M A BUNNY!”

lynnl
08-16-2006, 05:41 PM
Here's one more cajun joke:

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana,was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

HWooldridge
08-16-2006, 07:03 PM
Philo and Baswon crossed paths one day during Easter season. After a few moments of chitchat, Philo says to Baswon, "Say man, whatchu done give up for Lent?". Baswon replies, "Wal, I give up dranking for dem 40 days." Philo says, "Hoo mon, I tole you right now I could not do dat - but I done gave up sex." The other man sympathizes, "Hoo mon, dat is a heavy burden - I tole you right now I could not do dat neither."

Philo replies, "Well, it pretty tough cause de udder day, my ole lady bent ober and I could not he'p myself but just climb right on top her."

Baswon whispered, "Say mon, be careful wid dat cause you get t'rowed out de church!"

Philo says, "I doan know bout de church but you sure get t'rowed out McDonald's."

tattoomike68
08-16-2006, 09:16 PM
"TATTOOMIKE68"





All in good fun,huh

IOWOLF

http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f24/snoopdog6502/iodope.jpg

http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f24/snoopdog6502/biglaugha.gifhttp://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f24/snoopdog6502/biglaugha.gif LOL http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f24/snoopdog6502/biglaugha.gif

lynnl
08-17-2006, 10:51 AM
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole..it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

pkastagehand
08-17-2006, 11:21 AM
Try this one: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/35289/blondstar/

garyphansen
08-17-2006, 09:59 PM
A young boy grows up in a very , very poor faimly. He work hard and pays his way through college and becomes a Civil Engineer. Durning his working life he designs, roads, dams, bridges, and skyscrapers and becomes very wealthy. However, he still fears that he will someday end up poor again, so he prays several times a day asking God for just one thing. This goes on for years because the man lives to be 98. Finally, an angel appears to him and tells him that God has decided to give him the request of his parys and that in a few hours he would be on his way to heaven. This makes the old man very happy and he goes to pack his suit case. Sure enough, in a few hours he dies and meets St. Peter at the gates of heaven with his suit case in one hand and a big smile on his face. St. Peter stops him and telles him that no one is allowed to bring anything to heaven with them. The old man tells St. Peter that he prayed all his life asking God to let him bring his suit case with him and just before he died an angle told him that God had granted his request. St. Peter says, in that case I guess it is all right, but because this has never happened before St. Peter asks the old man if he can look in his suit case. The old man says sure. When St. Peter opens the suit case he finds it full of gold bars. St. Peter says to the old man I see you were a Civil Engineer back on earth. The old man says yes but how did you know. St. Peter says who else would want to bring payment samples to heaven. Gary P. Hansen

speedy
08-17-2006, 10:09 PM
Do you all remember the television show " Thats Incredible"?
Well, at in one episode they had two Kiwi guests.
One had a job and the other one didn`t drink.

TECHSHOP
08-17-2006, 11:25 PM
A few of my k-june jokes are posted in other threads, I won't repost them because SWMBO don't like me talkin' about her relatives, (bones don't float!)

Here's my simple "church joke":
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

and my 2nd favorite policeman line:
"Sure we have a quota, two more tickets and my wife gets a new toaster oven."

My all time favorite policeman line:
"If I smoke this and get high, you're busted!"

dewat
08-18-2006, 12:07 AM
Whats the difference between O.J. Simpson and Pee Wee Herman ?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Sophiedoc
08-18-2006, 10:28 AM
In the early days when men only were astronauts and well paid for test flights the astronaut fell sick before the scheduled flight.The wife thought she could take his place and suited up no one would notice.The ship came down hard and she was knocked unconscious.On awakening someone was pushing down on her breasts and the person remarked."Don't worry-As soon as we get your testicles down your penis will probably come out too."

Boomer
08-18-2006, 09:03 PM
Hey Gary, you sure that isn't "pavement samples"?

Ed Tipton
08-30-2006, 12:07 PM
Do you know why blonds prefer tilt steering wheels?
More headroom!!

Locksmith
09-05-2006, 12:26 AM
Little Brooklyn Tony is sitting on a park bench next to an old man, eating one candy bar after another.
The old man says "Son, if you keep eating all those candy bars, you're going to get sick" Tony says "My grandfather lived to be 110 years old". The old man says "Did he eat as many candy bars as you?" Tony says "No, but he minded his own f*****G business".

Locksmith
09-05-2006, 12:30 AM
A guy goes blowing past a cop, who starts chasing him. Guy finally slows down after 3 miles. Cop says " How come you didn't stop when you saw my lights?" Guy says "Last week my wife ran off with a police officer and I thought you were him trying to bring her back."

Evan
09-05-2006, 02:02 AM
Guy comes up to stop sign and slows down but doesn't quite stop as he cruises through it. Cop sees him and pulls him over.

"Sir, I am giving you a citation for failing to stop."

"But officer, I slowed down."

"You didn't stop."

"But I really slowed down."

Becoming rather annoyed, "You didn't stop!!!"

"BUT I SLOWED DOWN!"

The officer, becoming extremely annoyed, "YOU DIDN"T STOP!!!"

"BUT I..."

The officer, having had enough, pulls out his billy club and begins to beat the driver severely about the head. The driver cries "STOP, STOP!!!"

The officer replies, "Are you sure you don't just want me to slow down?"