View Full Version : That old chestnut again

John Stevenson
12-20-2006, 05:40 PM
That time of the year again, sorry if you have read this before but we have some new members.



Once upon a time a long while ago in a land far from the internet there
lived three wise men. Their names were Frank, Darrin and Ray.
Originally there were four but the fourth one, Judeas Alistair could
never make up his mind if a lathe needed to be painted green, thereby making his
wiseness null and void.
So it came to pass that Darrin Frank and Ray were thoroughly pissed off
with nothing to do at night having been banned from all the local bars
in the area for either letchering, being drunk, fighting or fFranking
out loud, but not necessarily in that order.
Now Ray who could be classed as an up upmarket version of Jed Clampett
leant on his zimmer frame and said " I'm pissed off" which proved he
was a wise man as not everybody realises that there are two peas in
"Lets do something exciting tonight". This caused a few moments
hesitation and silence as our hero's try to remember what exciting is.
The last exciting thing Frank can remember was putting pork scratchings
in the Rabbi's handbag. Frank's hobby was fishing and he never liked the
Rabbi because he considered the Rabbi had the best bait.
After a few more moments silence Ray realised that he hadn't done
anything exciting since Grade school when he stretched cling film
over the bog in the staff room toilet and hid outside to listen to the
headmasters version of rain on a galvanised iron roof.
In his present position of bouncer at Mothercare life seemed a little
" Lets go pick some women up" said Frank. "The last women you got
picked you up and that was only because she drove the crane at the
local foundry" said Darrin.
"Lets follow that bright star in the sky". said Ray. "What are you
some kind of a pratt?" asked Frank. "Well we haven't anything better
to do". said Ray, which in a way summed up the whole of his life.
"It's pointing towards the desert, how do we get across then?"
"We'll hire some camels from that Dutch immigrant Hertz Van Rental".
So they all troop over to Hertz's place to hire three camels. "How
long will you be going across the desert?" asked Hertz. "Dunno said
Frank, maybe three, four days". "In that case your camels will want
watering up then". "What's that asked Ray? "Well you give the camels
a trough of water to drink and just as it's finishing you creep round
the back and squash it's bollocks with two house bricks, when it gasps
with the pain it swallows two more days water" said Hertz.
"What happens if it's a female camel? asked Darrin. "Well unless it's got
a satisfied smirk on it's face forget the house bricks and use a yard
brush instead" answered Hertz.
So two tries later because Frank got his thumbs between the bricks
see's our intrepid hero's on there way with a slight detour to Oasis
Ben WallmFrank for supplies.
Exit Ray carrying three bottles of Yousef Walker Red Label Whisky, 25
six packs of Tureg Lager and three bags of smoky bacon crisps. "Bloody
hell said Frank "what have you bought all those crisps for?"

Anyway to continue with the story 'cause I'm getting a bit pissed off
typing with one finger, our hero's cross the desert and arrive at a
little Town called Bethlehem which was a bit like Pitsburg before they
discovered smoke.
Finding the one and only bar called "Two birds in the hand" because as
everyone knows, one in Kate Bush is worth two in the hand, our
travelers enter to enjoy a jar or seven.
"This place is bloody crowded tonight, what's going on?" asked Darrin who
is always the last to know anything. Ray asked a passing barmaid for
an explanation but finds out that she's German and the only German he
knows is "Tits un floppen mit der hand un kranken" which roughly
translated means "Could you direct me to the cheapest brothel please".
After further inquires are made it turns out that according to local
hearsay the local Messiah will be appearing. "Well he's not liable to
get much appearance money at this dump "said Frank. Thank God your an
atheist said Darrin, "anyway I've got to go for a piss" and left by the
back door to look for the bog. Whilst he's gone Frank and Ray get a
couple of swift halfs in out of the kitty without Darrin knowing and
stFrank looking at the local talent. "My God some of these are rough"
said Ray "Yes and the women aren't much better, you need a dog
licence for some of these". said Frank.
Just then Darrin comes running back in "Quick come and have a look
there's this bird dropping a kid out in the stable". "Piss off your
pulling my leg said Frank.
"No I'm not, straight up there's this bird dropping a kid in the
stable". said Darrin. "If she has a misscarriage can I have the wheels
off it for my zimmer frame? said Frank.

So they all go out to the stable Darrin in front, then Ray followed by
Frank because he'd stopped to finish everybody else's drink.
Darrin and Ray walked into the stable to witness the birth followed by
Frank. As Frank walks in he steps on a rake which hits him straight
between the eyes. "Jesus Christ" he shouted sinking down onto one
knee with the pain.

"My that a nice name " said Mary "We were going to call him Evan"

Any references to any persons living or dead is purely intentional

PS. Have a nice one

12-20-2006, 07:38 PM
Bless you my son.

Tom Buchanan
12-20-2006, 08:38 PM
Thanks for the story,Sir John.BTW,didn't your local sherrif and Robin Hood have a bit of a tiff?

12-20-2006, 08:52 PM
Oh man that paty was one wicked pissa:D

Lew Hartswick
12-21-2006, 12:38 PM
I remember a simmilar story by SirJohn a LOOOONG time ago with a different
set of characters. I also remember asking him about the followup he promised
for Easter but never was forthcomming. :-) :-)
Anyone else here remember that far back. ?
Any comments John?

12-21-2006, 01:12 PM
Good one John! :D

12-21-2006, 06:34 PM
Hmmmph, irreverence and blasphemy!! :D