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View Full Version : Fart noise for a cell ringtone?? Got a joke?



Dawai
08-08-2007, 07:42 PM
OKAY, I give, I live in the most redneck part of the world,, WHY has bubba not come up with a fart ring tone.. PHFFT FART, HUK HUK,. answer that phone,,

I carried a electronic fart machine around for about a month till I got bored, then gave it to a nurse who works in maternity ward locally.. SHE had so much fun she nearly wet herself a few times. Over the last 35 years Mikey and I have rubbed off on her I guess. Nothing like a woman with her knees apart and triggering one of them things.. a woman who has had a epidural probably would not notice passing gas..

You heard a good one lately? I could use a laugh.

Willy
08-08-2007, 08:24 PM
Here ya go David....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TpkTAq4KhE

John Stevenson
08-08-2007, 08:24 PM
One of the local toolmakers is about 6'6" and weighs about 250 #
He does weekend work on the doors at local clubs, nice guy but looks mean.
When his phone went off the other week i pissed myself with the tone.

It makes a load hooting like a sub going down and this VERY LOUD voice says,
"Warning I am stood next to a Wanker " "Warning I am stood next to a Wanker "

You can't help but laugh when you see the size of this guy.

.

IOWOLF
08-08-2007, 09:16 PM
This has nothing to do with Cell phones , but a friend of mine told me he was asked not to wear his Boarder Patrol hat into a Walmart he frequents,Quote It bothers our employees,Unquote.

He is 74 years old, and would never be mistaken for an B/P Officer.

I want one now.

Willy
08-08-2007, 09:24 PM
This has nothing to do with Cell phones , but a friend of mine told me he was asked not to wear his Boarder Patrol hat into a Walmart he frequents,Quote It bothers our employees,Unquote.

He is 74 years old, and would never be mistaken for an B/P Officer.

I want one now.

I'll bet it would sure shorten the lineup at the hospital or the laundromat!:D

IOWOLF
08-08-2007, 09:35 PM
I'll bet it would sure shorten the lineup at the hospital or the laundromat!:D

Perhaps even the wellfare line,or Foodstamp line.:rolleyes:

sidegrinder
08-08-2007, 09:49 PM
***Disclaimer--This post may contain non-polically correct content--turn back now if you're so inclined***



On the radio today they announced that Ellen Degeneres had been found dead :( An apparent victim of drowning...




Wait for it....





She was found face down in Ricki Lake;)

My apologies in advance...Sidegrinder

TGTool
08-08-2007, 10:25 PM
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy $hit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels likeI have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $hit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F*ckin' rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a f*cking grenade in my mouth, pull the f*cking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f*cking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like $hit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F*ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the f*cking 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Evan
08-08-2007, 10:30 PM
I have a friend that has a tee shirt with this on it. He say when he goes into a truck stop in the US it clears the place.

http://vts.bc.ca/pics2/fbi.gif

Boomer
08-09-2007, 12:11 AM
The IRS sends an annoying auditor to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is going through the checks, and turns to the Rabbi and says, "I notice that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do ... with the crumbs from the matzo?"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? ""Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"The Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And... about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

oldtiffie
08-09-2007, 09:26 AM
Deleted/edited-out

Weston Bye
08-09-2007, 11:37 AM
Ring tone? The voice of the sphincter, a ring-shaped muscle.

Dawai
08-09-2007, 12:55 PM
Nahh, I thought sitting around, a FART noise ring tone would get giggles from everyone. Imagine planting it under the mother in laws chair and calling it.

(I did that with the fart machine) MY lil white haired Christian mother in law did not even smile.

Jail? do most the guys in jail still make a "POOT" sound? I thought they just make a "whisshh" sound.. the sound of POOT or FART denotes a virgin? At 50 I still make a freight train horn noise when I pass gas.

THE main detraction of having a windshield and wind wings on the roadking? When you fart you get one or two smells at 60mph. I'd just as soon it blow away myself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja-dg89wr-s Redneck 911 call..

IOWOLF
08-09-2007, 02:15 PM
Don't kid us David at 50 you check your drawers each time you Fart. Don't ask me how I know.:(

Dawai
08-09-2007, 02:36 PM
NOW Wolfie...

I keep socks in my drawers.

Boomer
08-09-2007, 05:51 PM
NOW Wolfie...

I keep socks in my drawers.
Does that help?

Dawai
08-09-2007, 06:37 PM
NO, but ..... Dating a nurse at a local hospital for a bit? there was this guy with a cucumber taped to his leg. THE doctor started laughing so hard he almost had to leave the room.

He had been in a car accident coming back from a club in Chattanooga.

Mom always wanted me to have on clean drawers in case I got in his predicament. She knew I'd wake up in the hospital in my undies sooner or later.

fart ringtone
http://www.ringophone.com/results.asp?searchfield=fart&index=0&type=all&Submit2.x=0&Submit2.y=0
BY the way, a fart is a ringtone at this place.

ulav8r
08-10-2007, 12:26 AM
A Springfield woman wrote a let and sent it to her son in Australia.
Dear Son:
Your Pa has a good job now. The first he has had in 48 years. We are a great deal better off now than we was.
Your Pa gets $14.95 cents every Thursday so we thot we would do a little fixing up.
We sent to Monky Wards for one of them new fandangle things they call a bath room you have heard about it. In some new homes it is put in shape by a man called a plumer on one side of the room is a big long thing like the pigs drink out of only you get in that thing and wash all over. An on the other side is a little white thing called a sink. This is for light washing such as your hands and face and over in the other corner now son I’ll tell you something We really got something. This little contrapsion you just put in 1 foot in and wash it clean and then you pull a little chain and you have clean water for the other foot. 2 lids came with this darn thing and we haven’t had any use for them in the bath room so I am using one for a bread board and the other one has a round hole in it so we just framed grandpa’s picture, they are awful nice folks to deal with they gave us free a big roll of writing paper also. Take care of yourself son.

I am still your mom.

Thomas Staubo
08-10-2007, 10:50 PM
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/herman/archive/images/herman2007229140809.jpg



Thomas
Norway

wbleeker
08-11-2007, 05:12 AM
The IRS sends an annoying auditor to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is going through the checks, and turns to the Rabbi and says, "I notice that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do ... with the crumbs from the matzo?"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? ""Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"The Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And... about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

sidegrinder
08-11-2007, 10:07 AM
That one sounds familiar :)

Too_Many_Tools
08-11-2007, 02:36 PM
LOL...this is the kind of discussion you normally see going on over on the "Practical Joke" Machinist site.

http://www.practicalmachinist.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php/topic/1/27952.html

Any jokes concerning divining rods?

http://www.practicalmachinist.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php/topic/1/12327.html#000000

TMT