PDA

View Full Version : Way OT: Etiquette in dealing with F-F pairings



Orrin
02-19-2008, 07:01 PM
I need to be pointed to a new version of "Emily Post" that tells me how to deal with folks who prefer female-female pairings. Does anyone know of a place where I can find such a thing?

Apparently, I made a horrendous breach of etiquette when I tried to be kind to a female friend of mine who attempts an androgynous appearance, speaks with a husky voice, walks with Paul Bunyan strides and speaks often of her female "friend."

She is under a great deal of stress, right now, because she has undertaken a whole new job assignment with a steep learning curve and she also has to look after the welfare of her elderly parents.

I thought it would brighten her day and take her mind off her stress by sending her flowers at her work place on Valentine's Day, but had the florist sign her dogs' names to the card. I didn't want her to know I sent them because I didn't want it to appear as if I were being sweet on her. I understand her gender confusion, or so I thought.

To make a long story short, there was a big explosion! She got the florist to blow my cover and now she is madder than he11.

I'm bewildered. I thought flowers were supposed to brighten anyone's day.

Now I'm the one who is confused. :(

Orrin

Uncle O
02-19-2008, 07:15 PM
Just tell her the truth...Knowing she was under alot of stress, You were simply trying to brighten her day but remain anon. Nothing more , nothing less. If she won't listen long enough for you to tell her, send her a short note.
Once she cools down and / or realizes her mistake, she should come around.
if she doesn't.....at least you tried.

The Doctor
02-19-2008, 07:16 PM
Orrin, if she acts that badly over your good intensions, she is simply a miserable bitch. Her sexual preference does'nt really play into it at all. Tell her you're sorry and were trying to cheer her up. If she can't handle that, tell her to f___ off!

Ed

rantbot
02-19-2008, 07:21 PM
Sent by her dogs, huh? (That's pretty cute, actually.)

Maybe it's not primarily a gender-confusion issue. Maybe she's just like me, and thinks you send people flowers only after they're dead.

Evan
02-19-2008, 07:32 PM
Sending her flowers from a dog was probably taken to mean that she is a bitch. I don't blame her for blowing up.

Forrest Addy
02-19-2008, 07:32 PM
I know what you mean. Some people are walking talking minefields of sensitivities. I had a Jewish feminist girlfriend. When she was in a touchy mood she could make life hell for her friends. And she's a doctor of psychology. Talk about a minefield of conflicts. You learn to handle people like this with metaphorical snake hooks. If you keep out of striking range you won't get bitten --maybe.

Mcgyver
02-19-2008, 08:06 PM
reminds of a great come back I've been itching to use.....In holding a door open for a women, the man is attacked "DID YOU JUST DO THAT BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN?!" "On the contrary, I did it because I'm a gentleman".

Orrin, you did something nice for someone, whether she likes flowers or not, that she reacted that way to someone attempting something kind shows what you're dealing with. her shortcoming not yours.

tony ennis
02-19-2008, 08:19 PM
No one sends ME flowers :mad:


the man is attacked "DID YOU JUST DO THAT BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN?!" "On the contrary, I did it because I'm a gentleman".

Version 2:
"DID YOU JUST DO THAT BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN?!" "No, I was checking out yer ass. Why?"

-=-=-=-
I sign our dogs names to my wife's presents all the time. "But honey, I didn't spend that much money on you, Bentley Whippet did!"

Orrin
02-19-2008, 08:23 PM
Sending her flowers from a dog was probably taken to mean that she is a bitch. I don't blame her for blowing up.

Good point, Evan. I hadn't thought of that; but, it was not her reason for blowing up. She was mad for me embarrassing her with anonymous flowers. Besides, she loves those dogs with all her heart. The cute little doggie-themed Valentine card should have pointed a normal person's thoughts in the right direction.

She took this as an opportunity to vent on several other grievances. Her perceptions of recent events and conversations were so far from reality it convinced me she has more problems than her job and eldercare. So, for me this turned out to be a fortuitous event. I have turned my back on this person and I will no longer have to expend emotional energy by feeling sorry for her.

I tried. I've always said people create their own heaven or he11 right here on earth. This incident lent credence to my way of thinking.

Orrin

IOWOLF
02-19-2008, 08:40 PM
Perhaps she just needs a good F*****G.

Say you are sorry, If that doesn't do it, Steal her girlfriend.

SGW
02-19-2008, 09:39 PM
You tried. What you did seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to me. I think some people love to wallow in misery...or do end up wallowing in misery as they work out life issues. It's too bad. Taking on the role of amateur therapist is not to be recommended.

Carld
02-19-2008, 11:50 PM
Orrin, your right, dump her as a friend. It's not worth the effort to save that friendship.

speedsport
02-20-2008, 12:09 AM
you are trying to figure out a carpet muncher?, forget it!, you should have sent her a sawzall with a carbide dildo attached, variable speed of course.

barts
02-20-2008, 12:50 AM
[Jeez folks, a little less insensitive commentary sure wouldn't be out of line. I'm sure everyone on this forum is a white male heterosexual, but still, leaving the trash talk elsewhere would sure class up the place.]

What makes you think the problem is that she's in a lesbian relationship?

Sending a woman flowers is easily misconstrued, since women get hit on a lot. (I've talked to several hetero women who felt more comfortable in lesbian bars because the women there didn't push so much). Pick something not likely to be seen as romantic, and do it openly - and better yet, get someone else to participate. If she got a card & chocolate from her dogs crediting a little help from her co-workers this prob. would have gone more smoothly.

malbenbut
02-20-2008, 04:04 AM
When my wifes sister got married she marched down the aisle like John Wayne her husband to be glided down to his doom like Ginger Rogers, needless to say the marriage didn't last long. However they did produce a son who is a great guy he loves women and they love him so they must have done something right you never can tell.
MBB

John Stevenson
02-20-2008, 04:26 AM
reminds of a great come back I've been itching to use.....In holding a door open for a women, the man is attacked "DID YOU JUST DO THAT BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN?!" "On the contrary, I did it because I'm a gentleman".



I got to use one once it was magic. :D :D

Delivering some part and asked the young girl / lady/ nuclear bomb in disguise / [ delete as nessesary ] on reception "Excuse me miss but could you tell me............"

Got no further than this, she exploded and I was told "It's not Miss it's Miz "

" Very sorry is that one Z or two "

John Stevenson
02-20-2008, 04:29 AM
Sending her flowers from a dog was probably taken to mean that she is a bitch. I don't blame her for blowing up.

Sorry Evan your views don't count as you have proved time and time again on this forum you have the social graces of a caveman. :D :rolleyes:



.

Evan
02-20-2008, 06:02 AM
That wasn't my opinion. I asked my Beardog what she thought of the situation.

John Stevenson
02-20-2008, 08:05 AM
That wasn't my opinion. I asked my Beardog what she thought of the situation.

In which case that was fine :D

.

Your Old Dog
02-20-2008, 08:20 AM
I tend to think Evan hit it on the head. I would expect women in lesbian relationships to always expect the worst in any comments or deeds they don't expect or completely understand from others. Flowers from a dog would suggest to some the possibility of bestiality or the same as telling her to "sit down and guard your pups". If you in-fact felt enough of this woman to try to be this kind to her I would send her a note that says essentially this.

"Hi, didn't mean to offend or upset you. I spent $30 to send you flowers to brighten your day, had I wanted to offend you I didn't need to spend near as much. If I didn't value our friendship I wouldn't have done anything but I thought you were going through some trying times here at work and so I thought my efforts would go a long way to make you feel better." Sending her a note removes the waving red flag of your face. It also allows you to compose your thoughts without being interrupted by her. If she's smart she'll think about what she just read as she runs you down in the shop. Lifes to short to be creating adversarial relationships and you'll feel ugly thoughts everytime you see this person

Had a similar incident where a new girl was hired into the newsroom and her old staff sent her roses for her desk. Someone stole them overnight and she was visibly po'd and asked, "what the hell kind of place did I come to?" I took up a collection and nearly everyone donated to replace her roses. She and I are like brother and sister some 25 years later. In my case it was worth the effort.

Good luck
Ann Landers!

Evan
02-20-2008, 08:36 AM
One of the very first commecials that Xerox ever produced for the brand new just released easy to use 914 photocopier in 1962 featured a chimp that had been trained to hop up on the console, put the sheet of paper on the platen glass and press the button, complete with following chimp smile and self congratulatory hooting.

What followed was a huge uproar as secretaries all over the US rebelled at implication that they were no smarter than chimps.

John Stevenson
02-20-2008, 08:37 AM
Had a similar incident where a new girl was hired into the newsroom and her old staff sent her roses for her desk. Someone stole them overnight and she was visibly po'd and asked, "what the hell kind of place did I come to?" I took up a collection and nearly everyone donated to replace her roses. She and I are like brother and sister some 25 years later. In my case it was worth the effort.

Good luck
Ann Landers!

What a generous person. I would have stopped by the local crematorium and got some off someones headstone, far cheaper and spent the money on some more tooling.


.

tryfred
02-20-2008, 08:52 AM
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a
booming voice, the Lord said," Because you have tried to be faithful to
me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your
request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that
kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of
something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman
truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Your Old Dog
02-20-2008, 09:32 AM
What a generous person. I would have stopped by the local crematorium and got some off someones headstone, far cheaper and spent the money on some more tooling.


.

Bull$h1t. No you wouldn't. You would have invited her over to clean your shop, maybe change your oil :D

oldtiffie
02-20-2008, 09:48 AM
What a generous person. I would have stopped by the local crematorium and got some off someones headstone, far cheaper and spent the money on some more tooling.


Bull$h1t. No you wouldn't. You would have invited her over to clean your shop, maybe change your oil :D

Well, well YOD.

Are you suggesting that John get a good scrubber in his shop?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scrubber

Pete H
02-20-2008, 09:49 AM
There are people who just wait around for an excuse to get p***ed off. Gender orientation may have little to do with it. I've known a fair number of plain-vanilla heteros of both genders who've made everyone around them walk on eggs. By the same token, I've known women of the "imitation man" persuasion who were perfectly OK with dealing with straights, others who were as touchy as old dynamite. Never met any real hostile "femmes", though.

If it were me I'd offer an apology and make it clear that I wasn't hitting on her (privately and quietly, and NOT on paper or via e-mail - not in these days of political correctness). Then wait. If she accepts, fine, if not, well, some people are best avoided.

Good luck in the minefield... Pete in NJ

Carld
02-20-2008, 10:07 AM
Over time I have had contact with people I know well or have never met make a surrly or smart ass remark. I used to make a come back if one poped to mind. Sometimes now I just stare at them with a grim unemotional face, say nothing and continue to stare. Very few people can handle a silent stare like that for long and will leave. By doing that I have expressed my displeasure and indicated they have crossed the line and are headed for trouble. It's their choice then how far they want to go.

Don't ever try to appease a person that makes a rude comment or displays anger. To them it is a sign of weakness and only makes them more agressive. It's no time to be a diplomat, ignore them or stare them down.

Orrin
02-20-2008, 10:11 AM
I would expect women in lesbian relationships to always expect the worst in any comments or deeds they don't expect or completely understand from others.

I have very deliberately stayed away from the word "lesbian." It doesn't apply, here, although my implications gave that impression. I didn't know how else to say it.

Everything else in Your Old Dog's sentence describes recent events, perfectly. My way of stating it would be: "I would expect gender-confused women to always expect the worst in any comments or deeds they don't expect or completely understand from others."

By the end of January it became obvious my former friend chose to contort almost every one of our communications--whether by deed, e-mail or spoken word--in a way that suited her own agenda. Because of the hopelessness of the situation, I proposed that we discontinue exchanging e-mails of a social nature. It has occurred to me that perhaps she does not take rejection very well.

Orrin

Evan
02-20-2008, 10:56 AM
Who needs Dear Abby when we have a bunch of Lucy van Pelts? :D

Orrin
02-20-2008, 02:15 PM
I think Lucy van Pelt came up with a plausible explanation for the megatonnage of the outrage. Here is what Lucy told me:

Let's take any serious relationship, hetero or otherwise. Let's call it Friend #1 and Friend #2. On Valentine's Day Friend #1 receives a lovely bouquet of flowers from some unknown source. Friend #1 is outraged because it will appear to Friend #2 that #1 is being unfaithful, carrying on some serious hanky-panky with #3.

So #1 puts on a big show of outrage in front of #2 in order to convince #2 of #1ís undying loyalty. In this case it was in the form of an e-mail sent to the "no-hanky-panky" #3" and cc:-ed to #2

I think I get it, now.

John Stevenson
02-20-2008, 03:21 PM
I know one thing Orrin, G - Code isn't as complex as your problem...............

.

tattoomike68
02-20-2008, 04:36 PM
you are trying to figure out a carpet muncher?, forget it!, you should have sent her a sawzall with a carbide dildo attached, variable speed of course.

...And a T shirt, if she dont like the T Shirt she can screw herself...

oldtiffie
02-20-2008, 04:48 PM
I've seen a few "hissy fits" on here at times.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hissy+fit

And a few "Grumpy old Women":
http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/bbcworldwide/worldwidestories/pressreleases/2004/12_december/grumpy_old_women.shtml
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&q=grumpy+old+women&btnG=Search&meta=

Grumpy old men too:
http://shop1.abc.net.au/browse/product.asp?productid=744536
http://www.grumpieroldmen.co.uk/
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&q=grumpy+old+men&btnG=Search&meta=

Lew Hartswick
02-20-2008, 05:56 PM
Don't ever try to appease a person that makes a rude comment or displays anger. To them it is a sign of weakness and only makes them more agressive. It's no time to be a diplomat, ignore them or stare them down.
This is starting to sound like either politics or our foreign relations
in the mid east.
Please don't carry this idea any further. :-)
"Thats a joke son"
...lew...

jim davies
02-20-2008, 11:29 PM
>>Are you suggesting that John get a good scrubber in his shop?

Don't forget the rubbers before skanking with the scrubbers.

As far as dealing with the anger, forget it IMO. PC is built like shark's
teeth; they point inward. Once impaled, the more you struggle the sooner
you become shark crap. There is no way to wiggle out of it. Consider
yourself lucky. If you worked at a public institution, you would already
have been fired.

wierdscience
02-21-2008, 01:46 AM
Be totally,brutally honest at all times and these things never happen.

I blame being PC for all this nonsense,political correctness is nothing more than a false front sham covering up peoples inability to speak the truth or their inability to accept it no matter how ugly.

Orrin your far to gentle and forgiving,me I would have sent her a broom and the reciept for same with the instructions to keep the reciept for frequent flyer miles credit:D

I was invited to a Chrismas party last time round at a friends house who works for Nasa.At this party were quite a few other government PC drones and some related idiot savants.Only I and one other where approaching normal human beings with normal honest opinions.The rest tread thin ice for living,I don't respect that,but hey to each his own right?

During the course of the night the subject of the crazy astronaut bitch came up.This topic was started by my friend who was the host with him knowing full well I would say just exactly what was on my mind.My addition to the conversation was "Pisses me off royal,I'm stuck here on Earth while this crazy unhinged bitch wearing a diaper and toting a BB gun gets to fly on the shuttle".

Jaws dropped,eyes bulged people couldn't believe I just said that,one even tried to draw me down lest I be fired,then they remembered they weren't at work and I said what they all were thinking.After that the tone of the party changed for the better and we all had a good time:D

oldtiffie
02-21-2008, 03:51 AM
>>Are you suggesting that John get a good scrubber in his shop?

Don't forget the rubbers before skanking with the scrubbers.
.........................................
........................................


Thanks Jim.

Depends on what John wants in or from a scrubber - maybe just a brush, hot water, soap, a bucket and elbow grease.

Yeah .......................................

Skanking?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=skanking

Bit too energetic for me.

Shanking?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=shanking

Depends - probably not as I'm not likely to do anyone any harm - other than myself - or do anyone any good either - very much inclusive of myself.

Rubbers?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rubbers

Take your pick.

kjbllc
02-21-2008, 12:44 PM
so how does the story end?

Evan
02-21-2008, 03:16 PM
Eventually everyone dies. See Hamlet.

oldtiffie
02-21-2008, 04:35 PM
so how does the story end?



Eventually everyone dies. See Hamlet.

Well kjbllc,
its a toss-up as to which will die first - this bl**dy thread or some of the participants in it.

Agreed, Evan - good quote.

Asquith
02-21-2008, 04:53 PM
Reminds me of the bloke who gave a girl a big bunch of flowers.

She tore all her clothes off, lay on the floor, legs akimbo, and said 'There, that's for the flowers'.


'Oh, says he. Haven't you got a vase?'