View Full Version : OT but Humorous - Tools And Their Proper Use

06-10-2008, 03:00 PM
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou sheeeet...."

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs, and fingers too short.

5. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

6. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

7. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

8. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

9. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

10. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

11. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

12. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

13. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

14. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

15. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

16. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

17. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

18. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

19. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

20. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

21. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

22. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

23. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

24. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

25. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

26. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

27. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

28. DAMMMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMMMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need!

06-10-2008, 03:46 PM
Thats a great list, thanks for the laugh. :)

06-10-2008, 03:56 PM
Yep, I'm guilty

Mad Scientist
06-11-2008, 11:00 AM
You Know You’re A Gear Head When:

When the first thought that comes to mind when you see an old worn out car. Is it restorable?

Or you can't look at some old car without sizing it up for all the good parts you can scavenge from it.

You have to move engine parts off the dining room table at mealtime to make room to eat.

You cannot throw out something without first taking it apart to see “just” what broke, and why.

When your neighbors routinely ask you if you want something before they throw it out.

When your trashcan is both a source of amusement and frustration for the trash man. It's the only one on the street that they always have to use the hoist on, rather than heave it manually like the rest of them. And it makes the most noise being emptied.

When your searching for change at the grocery store and you hand the clerk a few quarters a dime two pennies plus a few nuts, washers, and a cotter pin.

Your family routinely finds grease and oil stains in strange places throughout the house.

You find the plastic bushing on the shower door worn out. So you make new a one from old car parts without even checking the hardware store for replacements.

Your coffee table book is a Summit Catalog

You think it is normal to spend a half hour and buy a $5.00 tool to make a part you can buy for two bucks.

The thought of “calling” a repairman would never occur to you.

Walking around in a junkyard is your first though for a fun family outing.

You wash your hands “before” going to the bathroom.

You cannot look at some custom car without thinking of some ways to make it better.

When the guys at the junkyard know you by name and save things they think you might want.

The photos you carry in your wallet are of all the cars that you owned.

When your idea of an ideal date is teaching your girl friend how to replace brakes on her car.

When you bring more home from the junkyard dump than you take.

When you can't understand how anybody can manage to keep a car going without a complete shop in the basement.

When the shower stall curtain rod is made from parts of an old luggage rack because you just happened to have it lying around.

When you need to pay bills but strategically look at all their due dates so you can get something from Summit first...

When differential oil is your after shave...

When the spare change dish on your dresser has no money in it, only nuts, small screws, washers, cotter pins, and all the other stuff that ended up in your pockets.

When you pull up one of your socks in the morning --- hear a tear and immediately get excited cuz you know you got another shop rag...

When you've grabbed a piece of chrome trim from the dish rack to make a peanut + jelly sandwich!

When your teenage daughter had to show her boyfriend how to replace the horn relay on his car, and put the tools back in the right drawers in the toolbox.

When you wake up on a cold winter morning and find ice on the windshield and no scraper in the car so you hurry down to the shop and make one so you will not be late for work.

doctor demo
06-11-2008, 01:13 PM
LOL,you guys are killing me I can't read any more i'm laughing so hard.
But you both missed a very important tool,the lugwrench/bumper jack handle used for destroying realy rare and expensive hub caps right befor discovering that the spare is flat.

06-11-2008, 02:20 PM
Always funny, No matter how many times it has been on this forum.

06-11-2008, 03:50 PM
Don't forget the Dremel- the tool voted "Most Likely to Break Something Already Working"

06-11-2008, 10:19 PM
[QUOTE=Mad Scientist]You Know You’re A Gear Head When:

LMAO, THIS is pretty much ME ! and i live on a farm with buildings. . . and an 19 year old boyhead thats a chip off the old block.

i keep telling the wifey she will have one hell of an auction some day. . .

06-12-2008, 01:36 AM
Talk about the junkyard guys knowing you by name, three of the junkyards up by my old place would send people to my house if they were looking for some hard to find part, or just needed to know what parts would interchange.

With me, when looking at a car, new doors, fenders trunk lid, hood, floorboards, transmission, engine and rear end is the same as needing a tune up.
If I don't like a car a broken fan belt is enough to part it out.


06-12-2008, 11:42 AM
Hell, I know guys that will hang the ashtray on a chainblock and fit a new car!

Paul Alciatore
06-12-2008, 02:48 PM
Yea, how do you fix a Ford?

Jack up the radiator cap and slide a new car under it.

I like the recent commercial where Ford actually claims to be just as good as Toyota now. What an advertising slogan. Henry turned over in his grave. It was a 7.5 on the Richter scale.

06-12-2008, 03:08 PM
And what does that tell folks who've bought the previous model? That their truck is a piece of scheiss? That really inspires confidence!

Montezuma, IA

06-30-2008, 05:25 PM
ADMIN please sticky this thread.

Interrupted Cuts: Used for commercial production of coarse tungsten carbide grit.

Way Lubricants: Used to adhere metal chips to metal ways

TOol Post Grinder: Used for lapping overly tight ways and dovetails

Fly Cutters: For breaking tool bits and disassembly of mini-mill drivetrains.

Spindle Lock: For decommissioning motors

Cutting Oil: Used to produce theatrical smoke

06-30-2008, 05:34 PM
ADMIN please sticky this thread.

Interrupted Cuts: Used for commercial production of coarse tungsten carbide grit.

Way Lubricants: Used to adhere metal chips to metal ways

TOol Post Grinder: Used for lapping overly tight ways and dovetails

Fly Cutters: For breaking tool bits and disassembly of mini-mill drivetrains.

Spindle Lock: For decommissioning motors

Cutting Oil: Used to produce theatical smoke

theatical smoke.......?

ADMIN please sticky this thread so we can all use it for a reason to proof read.

Frank Ford
06-30-2008, 07:20 PM
Oops, posted my mistake. . .deleted now.

John Stevenson
06-30-2008, 07:31 PM
When you are dragged screaming and kicking on a foriegn holiday and you realise that the internal butress returns in some 1,000 year old cathedral are ideal for hanging line shafting off.

You spend two weeks tramping round Morroco and realise how poor the country is because you haven't seen one lathe ?


06-30-2008, 08:26 PM

Didn't you get "put through the mill" when you were "down in the bazaars"? There's lots of "shafting" going on down there.

06-30-2008, 09:47 PM
13. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

imagine trying to jack this thing up:

it's got air suspension, so i can usually just inflate the airbags to get it off the ground, but there's been a few times where i wanted to jack it up to work on it and that didn't really work out so well. i need to find myself a toe jack that will reach below the bumper and to the frame rails.

07-01-2008, 03:11 AM
Wouldn't want to drive a truck that low, but would make it easy to load a machine or bike if you backed it up to the curb!


07-01-2008, 04:29 AM
Wouldn't want to drive a truck that low, but would make it easy to load a machine or bike if you backed it up to the curb!


The actual driving height is about 5-6 inches off the ground. The airbags I have on here are basically magic and give me just over a full foot of suspension travel front and rear from fully deflated to fully inflated. I can get another two inches or so using 400 psi nitrogen, but that's massive overkill and I only had to do it once to see that it really was possible. It's a lot lower than stock, but if you had a chance to drive it, you'd understand. I can easily push all ~4500 pounds through corners harder and faster than I can in my mom's Accord.

The bed is basically useless now. I had to cut a 2 foot strip of sheet metal and the wheel tubs out for clearance. The c-notch pieces I welded on the frame make it possible to lay frame on a 26" wheel in the rear if I had the desire to do so. They also stick about 4 inches above the bed floor and the differential housing and Watt's linkage are sometimes up in the middle of the bed too.

I'll post pics from the build in a few minutes.

Norman Atkinson
07-01-2008, 05:23 AM
An insulated screw? Something that you screw on the bed at night and in the morning makes tea for you.

07-14-2008, 07:08 PM
Vacuum Cleaner: For plugging hoses

Taps: Hole plugs hardened to Rockwell C 999999999999999.9999

Carbide taps: Improved hole plugs hardened to Rockwell C 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 999999999999999.

End Mill Sharpener: A device designed to sharpen the parts of end mills that do not dull quickly.