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Your Old Dog
07-22-2009, 10:14 AM
I haven't got much quality shop time in lately as I have been troubled by some burning questions. With all the fine minds on this board I thought I might be able to find some answers here.


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my most burning question of all...
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Evan
07-22-2009, 10:24 AM
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


Because he is a machinist.

oldtiffie
07-22-2009, 10:38 AM
And if he is a typical machinist are all or most machinists pecker-heads who win the Darwin Awards every day of the year?

Evan
07-22-2009, 11:03 AM
Some would contend that running large, heavy floor mounted power tools with deadly sharp spinning cutters alone at night qualifies one for a possible Darwin award.

BadDog
07-22-2009, 03:32 PM
Because he is a machinist.
Or to be accurate, a Home Shop Machinist.

mototed
07-22-2009, 06:04 PM
I recall some of those questions, and you threw some new ones. Thanks for the laughs.
Ted
PS> Yes I think you can cry under water.

Alistair Hosie
07-22-2009, 06:11 PM
A lot of people got infested with a kind of tapeworm from rotten ham and they employed people called curers or in those days ham doctors to doctor the ham (before refigeration) .So that it could be sold past it's sell by date so to speak.They discovered it was from the ham because in New york in those days were it went on The jewish comunity didn't get the worm infestaions and that's how ham doctoring or curing came about another two cents worth of valuable knowledge:D:D:DAlistair

Carld
07-22-2009, 06:47 PM
:eek: good questions YOD.

tattoomike68
07-22-2009, 06:51 PM
Why do eggs come in a flimsy carton but a hard steel file comes in an unopenable blister pack you have to attack with a butcher knife or band saw?

bob308
07-22-2009, 09:29 PM
if a man says something and no woman hears him is he still wrong ?

Lew Hartswick
07-22-2009, 09:46 PM
< Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?>
Well. FWIW. Pants have always been singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
...lew...

Guido
07-22-2009, 11:11 PM
Why do most welders, when about to strike an arc, suggest that all bystanders "watch 'yer eyes"?

G

andy_b
07-22-2009, 11:49 PM
why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

why do people who believe in human-caused global warming want to let people who live in grass huts and ride donkeys to work into the United States so they can live in 5,000 sq. ft. houses and drive Hummers to work?

andy b.