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bborr01
02-01-2010, 12:16 PM
Hi,

I thought I would try to inject a little humor into the forum.

The following is something a friend of mine who is a shop owner sent me.

I hope I am not violating any copyrights here and I have nobody to attribute it to.

Hope it gives you a smile. It did me.

Brian


> DRILL PRESS:
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
> snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
> smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
> room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
> carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL:
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
> somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
> removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
> in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh,
> ****!"
>
> SKILL SAW:
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
> short.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt
> heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool
> commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
> refinishing jobs.
>
> HACKSAW:
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the
> Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a
> crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
> influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
> completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
> heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
> Used almost entirely for lighting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also
> handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
> which you want to remove a
> bearing race..
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool
> commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
> integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the
> jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power
> saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet
> into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
> can after you cut on
> the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
> opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
> on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
> strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for
> opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
> screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the
> metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove
> in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER:
> A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER:
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
> most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
> hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE:
> Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
> particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
> liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
> checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
> slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
> Son of a b*tch TOOL:
> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
> garage while yelling "Son of a b*tch" at the top
> of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
> you will need.

Alistair Hosie
02-01-2010, 12:19 PM
I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA we say BAAAAAAASTARD.:D ALISTAIR

Pete F
02-01-2010, 12:20 PM
I laughed out loud at the last one... so true :D

-Pete

Dawai
02-01-2010, 12:27 PM
My german buddies used to curse in English cause it had more descriptive terms.

I was amazed how many foul words they knew.

When the old german brought his quart of beer into the break room to have with his lunch, they shut the plant down and called the police to take him away. Funny how there is so many difficulties working abroad.

It came down to... do you want his senior expertise to make your german machine run, or .... From then on after a apology from the plant manager he got to drink his beer in his company vehicle daily.

vpt
02-01-2010, 12:31 PM
I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA we say BAAAAAAASTARD.:D ALISTAIR


I think the more words to build up to the final cuss the better. The 'son-of-a' just helps you build steam.

Evan
02-01-2010, 12:43 PM
I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA

Dogs aren't particular about thier partners.

Scishopguy
02-01-2010, 02:25 PM
That last one made me laugh out loud! A buddy, who used to work construction while putting himself through school, told of a guy hanging sheetrock on a job that accidently shot a drywall screw through his glove and into his bird finger. He let out a blue streak of cuss words and flung the driver across the room. He soon discovered that he needed it to back the screw out of his finger so he could get down from the ladder. :( He then had to get one of his crew members to stop laughing long enough to fetch the tool back and reverse it for him. :D

gregl
02-01-2010, 03:20 PM
I was in the Navy, and when I am using certain adjectives and nouns in the shop, my wife refers to it as Navy language. It's very therapeutic.

Mark Twain was a connoisseur of uninhibited self-expression, and here are a few quotes from him on the subject. Found at www.twainquotes.com:

----
I was...blaspheming my luck in a way that made my breath smell of brimstone.
- Roughing It

...quadrilateral, astronomical, incandescent son-of-a-bitch.
- Letter to W. D. Howells, (attacking an enemy)

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still
be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way.
- Private and Public Morals speech, 1906

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have
to repress an emotion like that.
- Mark Twain, a Biography

When it comes down to pure ornamental cursing, the native American is gifted
above the sons of men.
- Roughing It

Let us swear while we may, for in Heaven it will not be allowed.
- Notebook, 1898

If I cannot swear in heaven I shall not stay there.
- Notebook, 1898

My swearing doesn't mean any more to me than your sermons do to you.
- comment made to Rev. Joe Twichell, quoted in Mark Twain and Hawaii, by
Walter Francis Frear

Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances,
profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
- Mark Twain, a Biography
----

Evan
02-01-2010, 03:37 PM
Here is something to ponder:

Cursing is not a function of the normal speech centre of the brain. Frequently a person that suffers a stroke that leaves them unable to speak even a word in normal conversation can still swear a blue streak.

The Artful Bodger
02-01-2010, 03:43 PM
When the occasion calls, such as at the mother-in-law's meeting of the Womens' Guild, a good phrase to remember is "Daub and plaster the muddy bucket".

MotorradMike
02-01-2010, 03:44 PM
My mother never did get the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. -- Jack Nicholson

John Stevenson
02-01-2010, 03:51 PM
Here is something to ponder:

Cursing is not a function of the normal speech centre of the brain. Frequently a person that suffers a stroke that leaves them unable to speak even a word in normal conversation can still swear a blue streak.

Well fück me, you learn something everyday.

.

Walter
02-01-2010, 03:57 PM
Well fück me, you learn something everyday.

.

ROFL!

I have as of yet, to find any one thing as effective for fast pain relief, anger control, or pesky person scattering, as swearing up a blue streak.

Pete F
02-01-2010, 04:03 PM
Swearing reduces pain. (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/07/12/swearing-reduces-pain/)

-Pete

mlucek
02-01-2010, 04:16 PM
Anyone seen the book "The F-Word"

Amazon link (http://www.amazon.com/F-Word-Jesse-Sheidlower/dp/0195393112/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265058806&sr=8-1)

A whole book (I'm sure there's been others in the past too) about the F word.



Product Description

We all know what frak, popularized by television's cult hit Battlestar Galactica, really means. But what about feck? Or ferkin? Or foul--as in FUBAR, or "Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition"?
In a thoroughly updated edition of The F-Word, Jesse Sheidlower offers a rich, revealing look at the f-bomb and its illimitable uses. Since the fifteenth century, no other word has been adapted, interpreted, euphemized, censored, and shouted with as much ardor or force; imagine Dick Cheney telling Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy to "go damn himself" on the Senate floor--it doesn't have quite the same impact as what was really said. Sheidlower cites this and other notorious examples throughout history, from the satiric sixteenth-century poetry of James Cranstoun to the bawdy parodies of Lord Rochester in the seventeenth century, to more recent uses by Ernest Hemingway, Jack Kerouac, Ann Sexton, Norman Mailer, Liz Phair, Anthony Bourdain, Junot Diaz, Jenna Jameson, Amy Winehouse, Jon Stewart, and Bono (whose use of the word at the Grammys nearly got him fined by the FCC).
Collectively, these references and the more than one hundred new entries they illustrate double the size of The F-Word since its previous edition. Thousands of added quotations come from newly available electronic databases and the resources of the OED, expanding the range of quotations to cover British, Canadian, Australian, New Zealand, Irish, and South African uses in addition to American ones. Thus we learn why a fugly must hone his or her sense of humor, why Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau muttered "fuddle duddle" in the Commons, and why Fanny Adams is so sweet. A fascinating introductory essay explores the word's history, reputation, and changing popularity over time. and a new Foreword by comedian, actor, and author Lewis Black offers readers a smart and entertaining take on the book and its subject matter.
Oxford dictionaries have won renown for their expansive, historical approach to words and their etymologies. The F-Word offers all that and more in an entertaining and informative look at a word that, while now largely accepted as an integral part of the English language, still confounds, provokes, and scandalizes.



Review


"Sheidlower's 'The F Word' has provided inordinate delight and distraction from my normal working day."--The New Yorker
"It wasn't so long ago that the dear old F-bomb was barely uttered outside of private conversation, let alone written into literature or film or television. Here to educate you on its illustrious lineage--not to mention its present and future--is The F Word, a handsome, concise and erudite history of the term."--Very Short List
"Funny, yet surprisingly informative... The F Word is an encyclopedia for all things, well, f***ed."--Entertainment Weekly
"A meticulously researched 320-page hardcover reference tome, robust enough to sit alongside the OED."--SF Weekly
"The F Word is a gem in its lexicographical expertise and its scholarly explication. There will be nothing better, at least until Jesse Sheidlower produces a fourth edition."--Jonathon Green, editor of Chambers Slang Dictionary
"A thoroughgoing exploration of the most celebrated verb/noun/adjective/adverb/interjection/infix in English, with ample citations of its use over the past five and a half centuries."--John McIntyre, You Don't Say blog
"God bless lexicographers, you know? The F-Word is no thin bathroom book, either, but a meticulously researched 320-page hardcover reference tome, robust enough to sit alongside the OED." --SF Weekly
"Sheidlower's introduction undertakes a swift and no-nonsense debunking of some common myths about the word...This is vulgarity at its most erudite."--Inside Higher Ed
"The detailed lexicon of the word's many uses and compounds is fascinating."--Milwaukee Shepherd Express
"Investigat[es] every possible combination, situation, and divagation in which the most notorious expletive in English can be found. For a word that can't be printed in most newspapers, it's certainly leading a rich, full life." --Erin McKean, Boston Globe
"A must for anyone interested in the most notorious of English obscenities. This is not one of those pro forma 'revisions' that correct a few errors, toss in a few added items, and add a new preface; the text of the dictionary is twice as large as the second edition, over a hundred new words and senses have been added, and it now aims to cover the entire English-speaking world. This book makes me proud to be a part of a civilization that could produce such a thing." --Stephen Dodson, The Millions

Sleazey
02-01-2010, 04:57 PM
There is an old story about Mark Twain (IIRC). For a short time in his life, he drove a freight wagon, which undoubtedly offered many opportunities for advanced invective.

Now, in Twain's day, invective was a respected and versatile art form. A true artist could could curse for 10 minutes without repeating themselves, unlike today, when most people run through their repertoire of a few four letter words, a couple of phrases, and they're done.

One day, Twain was driving a freight wagon loaded with 1 ton of potatoes. The team struggled up the top of a long hill on a rough road, Twain cursing the horses, the wagon, the potatoes, and life as a freight driver, every inch of the way. Near the top, a deep rut produced a bigger jolt than any before; the poorly secured tailgate opened up, and 2000 lbs of small potatoes rolled down the hill, scattering all the way down the road to the bottom of the hill.

Twain jumped out, whipped off his hat, and drawing a deep breath, prepared to give it his all. Then he drooped, exhaled in defeat, and said, "It's no use, I just can't do the thing justice."

Silence reigned as he proceeded to pick up the potatoes one by one.

.RC.
02-01-2010, 05:02 PM
I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA we say BAAAAAAASTARD.:D ALISTAIR

The different slur words in different countries are interesting..

The word c&^t is very commonly used here, but people in the US seem to find it highly offensive and it is never uttered..


Fanny is another one...

In the US is means the Buttocks

Here it means the Vulva.

saltmine
02-01-2010, 05:09 PM
Curley, of "The Three Stooges" fame. is on the witness stand, being sworn in.

The bailiff intones the swearing in,"Do you solemly swear...."

"No!" Curley replies," But I know all of the words!"

Evan
02-01-2010, 06:15 PM
Here is the canonical analysis of the F-Word, audio clip in wma format 160Kb

THIS IS NOT WORK SAFE :D

http://ixian.ca/pics7/fword.wma


and in mpg format (higher quality)

http://ixian.ca/pics7/fword.mpg

Dawai
02-01-2010, 06:33 PM
The word c&^t is very commonly used here, but people in the US seem to find it highly offensive and it is never uttered..

Yes, it was a common word in the late 70s.. meaning any female.. "(c)an't (u)nderstand (N)ormal (t)hinking"

Whilst I lived with a muscular buxomly redhead who had been trained in hand to hand combat in the Rangers.. I broke myself of that word habit.. She and I cleaned out a bar one night, tossing all the drunks out the door. Some of them Manly drunks had a real surprised look on their face. A deep respect for her afterwards, till one night she stuffed me into a corner. We separated soon afterwards.

Weston Bye
02-01-2010, 06:43 PM
Here is something to ponder:

Cursing is not a function of the normal speech centre of the brain. Frequently a person that suffers a stroke that leaves them unable to speak even a word in normal conversation can still swear a blue streak.

Yep, my wife's grandmother, a saintly church lady had a stroke. The undamaged part of her brain did a good job of telling my father-in-law what it thought of him. She subsequently recovered, her normal speech and (mostly) saintly aspect.

camdigger
02-01-2010, 07:01 PM
Another place in the hospital where normally demure creatures that wouldn't say Sh!t if they had a mouthful let loose, is labor and delivery. Many a man has had his manhood, character, and lineage questioned in some very creative ways in those halls....:D

Evan
02-01-2010, 07:33 PM
You should have heard my wife when she was delivering our first. The doctor put the oxygen/nitrous mask on her face but forgot to turn on the gas. She used her last exhale to alert him to that fact. :D

murph64
02-01-2010, 08:01 PM
Well fück me, you learn something everyday.

.

Fook Me...Fook you...


http://archives.starbulletin.com/2002/07/30/features/artb.jpg

:D

Evan
02-01-2010, 08:33 PM
This is going down hill fast. :D



There once was a girl from Regina
Who put fiddle strings across her vagina
With the proper size cocks
instead of sex she got Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor

Issac Asimov

AussieChris
02-01-2010, 08:37 PM
Murph64, another Austin Powers fan I see.

Shortly after that scene would be "Twins, Basil, Twins…"

Chris
Brisbane Australia.

vpt
02-01-2010, 09:08 PM
One of my friends girlfriend absolutely hate the word c()nt. I remind her of it every time I see her. :D

Dragons_fire
02-01-2010, 09:17 PM
i was half way through this thread, and was working on a project. I dropped a small motor covered in grease and it hit the desk, the chair and then rolled across the floo leaving a streak of grease behind it. The first thing out of my mouth was "son of a B*tch"!!

oldtiffie
02-01-2010, 10:05 PM
The different slur words in different countries are interesting..

The word c&^t is very commonly used here, but people in the US seem to find it highly offensive and it is never uttered..


Fanny is another one...

In the US is means the Buttocks

Here it means the Vulva.

Slight local variation here Ringer.

Here it means every other c&^t but me as there is NOBODY that can make a bigger c&^t of me than I can - and that's really saying something.

Its much easier being a wanker and taking the pi$$ out of myself if (as I have) a dick between my eyes instead of my legs.

We are also noted for our caring, charm and modesty "down here" - in the off-chance that you hadn't noticed it or appreciated it.

Being so introverted and shy can be quite a challenge here - but there is a lot of us here in OZ with that "special talent".

NZ-ers are admitted on a select case-by-case basis (Rugby players and cricketers need not apply).

oldtiffie
02-01-2010, 10:20 PM
Originally Posted by John Stevenson
Well fück me, you learn something everyday.

Thanks for the generous offer John - but I will regretfully have to give it a "Pass" as in Naval parlance it is beyond ships local resources and is clearly a "Dock-yard job".

The tears are running down my face just thinking about you having a preparatory "pre-refit" DRE by a "HM Dockyard Matie" in his role as your Urologist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digital_rectal_examination

Please post the results of the "repair" and the Post-refit "tests and trials" and "setting to work".

Just hope that you don't get a "full on (in?)" "extended" re-fit.

Such is the lot of "those who go down to the sea in ships".

Suggestion: practice your pelvic floor exercises!!!

TGTool
02-01-2010, 11:19 PM
Perhaps this will help.

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f244/TGTool/FoulLanguage.jpg

vpt
02-01-2010, 11:26 PM
hahaha :D

hardtail
02-02-2010, 10:36 AM
Fella at work brought this in.........funniest part was our boss is Chinese and we had left in on the table so at coffee time he starts reading the can and is thinking it's legit when he fiinally pronounces FU2 we all cracked up.

http://i509.photobucket.com/albums/s337/corn56/100_0620.jpg

http://i509.photobucket.com/albums/s337/corn56/100_0619.jpg

murph64
02-02-2010, 10:50 AM
<right click> save as...


:D

SDL
02-02-2010, 11:57 AM
<right click> save as...


:D

Good reminder too many gems to lose:)

Steve Larner

Highpower
02-02-2010, 12:44 PM
This is going down hill fast. :D


instead of sex she got Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor

Issac Asimov
Hey, that's my favorite piece! ;)

ptjw7uk
02-02-2010, 01:59 PM
If you get chatter of an insert tool, next time look for a male one!

peter

pigpen60
02-02-2010, 03:42 PM
a fine bunch of plonkers! pigpen

ligito
02-02-2010, 06:18 PM
I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA we say BAAAAAAASTARD.:D ALISTAIR

Because you can be much more emphatic while saying it.
And because it has more syllables with which to be emphatic.

JanvanSaane
02-02-2010, 08:03 PM
The politically correct saying for the old one is, "Why don't you take an aeronautical intercourse into a revolving pastry". I fix the trucks in the back part of the building, I thought I had a foul mouth until I had to use dispatches computer because mine was broke. Some of the dispatchers missed their calling, they should of been mechanics. The spray can brought back memories, I remember one friend of mine spraying another friend with a can labled "Bull$#!^ Repellant". John

George Hodge
02-02-2010, 08:28 PM
The wife of 53yrs.says it really should be 'Son Of A Bachelor'
George