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jugs
06-06-2010, 12:13 PM
Seen a few good ones doted about the forum, thought it maybe an idea to kep them in one place. What think you ?

I'll make a start -




The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwords, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.. Then, you will massage my feet and hands... Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

:D
A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
__________________

:D


An engineer, a Surgeon and a Lawyer meet up for golf every Saturday. One week they find themselves behind the three slowest golfers they've ever come across and it's starting to bother them. They spot the owner of the course passing on his golf buggy and flag him down to ask how come the guys in front are so slow.

The course owner informs them that the three guys in front are firefighters, who were rescuing his daughter from their burning house when there was an explosion and they were all blinded. As a thank-you for saving his daughter's life, he allows them to play any time on the course for free.

"That's so sad" says the lawyer. "I'm going to pursue a compensation case for them free of charge."

The surgeon says "I'm going to speak to my buddy in the eye hospital and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer scratches his head and says "Why can't they play at night?"

:D

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions,
the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man.
'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies.
'She was here and you could have.'

:D

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great.How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof!
the light goes off.''Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?' 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!


Next...

Peter.
06-06-2010, 12:29 PM
There was this guy round our way who used to go all around the world looking at old tractors and going to conventions etc. Years after he gave that all up he saved a bunch of people who were stuck in a burning building. He just opened the doors and sucked out all the smoke, then blew it out down the street. When they interviewed him later and asked him how he performed such an impossible and amazing feat he replied:














"It's simple - I'm an EX-TRACTOR-FAN"

Deja Vu
06-06-2010, 03:59 PM
Thanks jugs!
My favorite so far...

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions,
the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man.
'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies.
'She was here and you could have.'

:D

Kenwc
06-06-2010, 04:28 PM
One of my favorites:

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

rolland
06-06-2010, 04:32 PM
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

jack3140
06-06-2010, 07:40 PM
the old indian was feeling poorly so he went to see the doctor doctor found he was constipated so gave him a bottle of laxative and told him to take a tablespoon before bed and come back the next day next day the doctor asked did you move yet the indian replied no me no move the doctor then sais take three tablespoon before bed and come back tomorrow next day the doctor asked did you move yet same answer no me no move doc said drink the rest of the bottle and come back tomorrow next day doc asks you move yet ? indian says no me no move but me move soon teepee full of s..t

smalltime
06-06-2010, 09:14 PM
Three guys show up early in the morning for a golf game.

Just as they are getting ready to hit, the starter runs out and says he has a fourth. All are dissapointed, 'till they see the golfer.

Out strolls a lovely blond lady carrying a bag of clubs. She greets them, and smacks a driver straight down the middle, past all three of them.

As the game goes on, she is doing great, and golfing as well as they are, if not better. When they get to 18, she hits on in regulation,and has a huge smile on her face.

They all get to the green and scan the puts, as the lady makes an announcment.

"If I make this put, it will be the best game of my life. If any one of you can give me the correct read for this put, I will give you oral sex."

First guy says, "dead straight uphill, don't leave it short."

Second guy says, "you really need to hit it left edge, not too hard."

Third guy looks at it for a few more seconds and says'

"Pick it up, it's a gimme."

Bill736
06-06-2010, 09:51 PM
A ventriloquist was on his way to a show, and decided to stop at a farm and have some fun . He told farmer Brown that he can talk with animals , and they can talk to him. The farmer said "naw, I don't believe you ." The ventriloquist walked up to a horse, and said " Hello horse, how are you and how does this farmer treat you?" The horse apparently answered back " I'm ok, and farmer Brown treats me fairly well." Farmer Brown shook his head, and again said " naw, you can't really talk with animals." So they walked up to cow, and again the ventriloquist asked the animal how Farmer Brown treats him, and the cow answered back " he treats me fairly well". Farmer Brown still did not believe the animals were talking. Then they walked up to a sheep . Suddenly Farmer Brown's eyes got as big as saucers, and he yelled out " Don't you believe a word she says. Them sheep is liars !"

Evan
06-06-2010, 09:52 PM
Condoms are commonly sold in three packs, 6 packs and an even dozen.

There is a reason for this.

The black studs buy the three packs and label them Morning, Afternoon and Evening.

The Italians buy the 6 packs and label them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc but never Sunday.

But the Englishmen buy the 12 packs and label them January, February, March......

Jack F
06-07-2010, 12:52 PM
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.


Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

3jaw
06-07-2010, 02:30 PM
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...
only two left."

3jaw
06-07-2010, 02:37 PM
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your blinding headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suitit fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion-Priceless!!!

gvasale
06-07-2010, 06:15 PM
a man who is looking for a favor from a friend, and also to make some money. His friend is a moonshiner, and he asks if there is any product available. His friend says yes, but unfortunatly its not top quality. He advises to take it to the pharmacist to see if it toxic. The pharmacist says it is not good moonshine, and is slightly poisonous. The man asks, "How bad is it?" The pharmacist says " "it won't kill you, but it could make you go blind." The man says thanks and takes the moonshine with him. The pharmacist says" what are you doing?" The man says "I know someone who is already blind!"

Spin Doctor
06-07-2010, 06:34 PM
But the Englishmen buy the 12 packs and label them January, February, March......

I thought it was 2001, 2002, 2003........................

Spin Doctor
06-07-2010, 06:40 PM
The young Indian* boy asks his father how he got his name.
"Well my son as with your older sister and brother I named them after the first thing I saw when I stepped outside the tepee the morning you where born. Your sister I saw a deer prancing and so She is Deer Prancing. Your brother I saw a hawk soaring and so he is named Hawk Soaring. Why do ask Two Dogs Mating?

*OK Native American

jugs
06-07-2010, 06:43 PM
BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Evan
06-07-2010, 08:26 PM
The lawyer/cigar/arson story is an ancient urban legend.

From Snopes:


This legend began its Internet life after it was posted to the newsgroup alt.smokers.cigars in early 1996, and it has continued to circulate as a "true story" in newsgroups and e-mail ever since, despite its having been identified as an "urban legend" when it was first posted. The version posted was, in fact, nearly identical to one that has been circulating since at least the mid-1960s:


http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

smalltime
06-07-2010, 09:02 PM
Thanks for a great story Jugs.
Don't worry about Evan, When he sees a campfire he just HAS to pee on it.:D

Nothin' but love Evan;)

saltmine
06-07-2010, 09:12 PM
WARNING! WARNING!


________________________________________
If you have older men in your life please pass this along so they don't fall
prey to this. Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at
the mall and in parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for
men.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Sam's
Club customers. This one caught me by total surprise. Over the last month I
became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get
supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to
think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls
come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you
for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the
way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
26th & 28th, three times on the 27th during the Black Friday Sale, and very
likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper
ones for $1.99 at Kmart but I bought them all out. Also, you never will get
to eat at McDonalds, but I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and
forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Sam's.

Excuse me for a few moments....I have to get a box of 10-24 X 1" Socket head cap screws at Lowe's...What the heck, I think I'll get them one at a time.

Arcane
06-07-2010, 11:04 PM
But the Englishmen buy the 12 packs and label them January, February, March......
I thought it was 2001, 2002, 2003........................


You're thinking of the Scotsmen, Spin Doctor. :D

duckman
06-07-2010, 11:32 PM
I was going to get a female friend of mine a set of those daily underwear you know Mon.,Tues., etc. but then I remembered that she likes to ride Harley so I got her 12 pack you know Jan., Feb., March, etc. :D :D

jugs
06-08-2010, 03:31 AM
The lawyer/cigar/arson story is an ancient urban legend.



As indeed are you
:)

914Wilhelm
06-08-2010, 04:13 AM
The patient, a well known drug addict, went to the Emergency Department complaining of a headache. After a history and physical the patient was straightforward in requesting Dilaudid pain pills. The physician was a bit reluctant to give this known drug addict any strong narcotics and suggested a different therapy. The doc said "when I get a terrible headache at work (no doubt from dealing with assholes like you) I go home and have my wife draw me a warm bath. While I'm soaking she will wrap my head with the hottest importrd Turkish towel I can stand for five minutes. Then she'll massage my scalp with some scented oils. Afterward we retire to the bedroom for some lovemaking and when I awake, it's like magic, my headaches gone. I suggest you try this". The drug addict was pissed off he wasn't going to score and ran out the door cursing.
Surprisingly a week later the druggie came back in. He said "dammit doc I was so pissed off when I took off from here I though about slashing your tires or something. But I got to thinking maybe the old man was on to something. So I got the old lady to run me a bath, wrap my head, massage my scalp, then screw the bejeebers out out of me and damned if it didn't take care of my headache. I just don't know how to thank you enough.". The doc said "its quite alright, just glad I could be of service to you." the drug addict said back "by the way, you have a really nice house".

jugs
06-08-2010, 05:10 AM
Thanks for a great story Jugs.
Don't worry about Evan, When he sees a campfire he just HAS to pee on it.:D

Nothin' but love Evan;)

Dont worry I'm thick skined. He does seem to pi$$ a lot of people off though ! Still a man needs a hobby.

Lets try & keep this thread a happy place.
:D

Abner
06-08-2010, 06:45 AM
once was a man named Dave
who kept a dead whore in his cave
when asked about the smell
he said 'Oh, what the hell'
'look at the money I save'

jugs
06-08-2010, 12:28 PM
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. ***king hot down here!

jugs
06-08-2010, 12:41 PM
Can I have some Irish Sausages please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked, "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.

"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on,

"Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?"

"Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said, "Well, no."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.

"If I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?"

"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well no, I probably wouldn't." conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied................












"Because you're in Homebase."

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 02:38 PM
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

The Artful Bodger
06-08-2010, 03:16 PM
We were shearing on a big station in Western Queensland when a great ruckus erupted when a young rousie was found 'interfering' with the sheep in the back pens.

Some wanted him gone and others said to give the boy another chance, eventually the squater himself got involved and he said, "It is nothing, lots of the boys experiment with this sort of thing, he will grow out of it" then the union delegate shouted "You dont understand, we are shearing the rams this week!"

Alistair Hosie
06-08-2010, 03:53 PM
Guy goes into a variety agent ,and when in the room drops his trousers, turns round and starts to sing beautifully through his a$$ .Anyway the agent nearly falls off the chair "brilliant " he exclaims ,he immediatelly telephones his boss and said wait till you hear this he puts his telephone to the guys proud behind and a melody comes out OH sole mio. The agent said what do you think Oh said his boss not bad but singers like that are ten a penny no no you don't understand said the agent he sings beautifull through his a$$ .Oh don't lie to me said his boss.Allright I'll bring him right over said the agent dieing to show the new found skill to his boss.They get into a taxi and head off.When they arrive at the managers office the guy duly drops his trousers and after a few moments sh**s on the expensive rug Oh don't mind that said the singer to the furious boss I'm just clearing my throat .Alistair

Weston Bye
06-08-2010, 04:41 PM
During a meeting at work, the conversation turned to the unusual styling of the Pontiac Aztek. One of the engineers related that his neighbor had one and loved it. He related that the neighbor stated: "once you get past the ugly, it's nice."

"Harrumph," said the boss, "I wonder what his wife looks like."


True story - I was there.

John Stevenson
06-08-2010, 05:13 PM
Old couple were in a pub having a drink, the guys says 'Mabel do you remember this was the pub we first had a date in in 1944, you wore that red dress and we went outside and had a knee trembler behind the pub'

'Yes I remember she says, it was sixty five years ago in the blackout, do you fancy trying it again for old times sake ?

Well unknown to them they had been over heard by a couple of youths who thought this was hilarious and watching a couple of wrinklies sounded like sport to them.

So Bert and Mabel disappeared round the back, Mabel leaned on the fence and Bert lifted her dress leaned over here and got on with it.

Bert was going like a train, his knees were shaking, spit was coming out the side of his mouth and he was shagging for England.

The youths were amazed, they had only see things like this on porn films, the stamina of the man was unbelievable, finally they broke apart and Mabel went to the ladies to tidy up.
Bert was sill on the floor trying to get his breath back when one of the youths approached him and said.

"Look we only took a look as we thought it would be a good laugh but we were dead impressed, were you as virile as this sixty five years ago ?

Eee lad I don't rightly know, that electric fence weren't here then......................

.

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 05:42 PM
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a senator in the Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 05:47 PM
Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary" said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!" but before she could say "F*#k Off!", the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.............

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 05:51 PM
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league'.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club'.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

Please pray for Bob.

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 05:53 PM
Aussie stockman’s honeymoon.

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

jugs
06-08-2010, 06:17 PM
Old couple were in a pub having a drink, the guys says 'Mabel do you remember this was the pub we first had a date in in 1944, you wore that red dress and we went outside and had a knee trembler behind the pub'

'Yes I remember she says, it was sixty five years ago in the blackout, do you fancy trying it again for old times sake ?

Well unknown to them they had been over heard by a couple of youths who thought this was hilarious and watching a couple of wrinklies sounded like sport to them.

So Bert and Mabel disappeared round the back, Mabel leaned on the fence and Bert lifted her dress leaned over here and got on with it.

Bert was going like a train, his knees were shaking, spit was coming out the side of his mouth and he was shagging for England.

The youths were amazed, they had only see things like this on porn films, the stamina of the man was unbelievable, finally they broke apart and Mabel went to the ladies to tidy up.
Bert was sill on the floor trying to get his breath back when one of the youths approached him and said.

"Look we only took a look as we thought it would be a good laugh but we were dead impressed, were you as virile as this sixty five years ago ?

Eee lad I don't rightly know, that electric fence weren't here then......................

.

John, next time you post something like that, please have the decency to post a warning, thanks to you I've got snot & coffee all over me keyboard & my ribs hurt.
:D

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 06:26 PM
Jugs, I reckon it might have been John sans fence when he got lucky at the pub.

Just goes to show that a session of the "DT's" can be of some use.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delirium_tremens

You can imagine the scene when he's shaking his dick after a leek!!! Getting it out and in for the performance would just as bad/entertaining.

The Artful Bodger
06-08-2010, 06:32 PM
Now there was this lawyer from Sydney retired to a cottage by the sea and he bought 3 sheep to keep the grass tidy. Time came to have them shorn so he checked the Yellow Pages and made to the call:=

[ring ring] "Hello, Barry's shearing contractors"

[Sydney Lawyer] "I have got some sheep to be shorn"

[Barry] "Yea, thats what I do, but I must warn you that if its more then 10,000 I cant do them this year"

[SL] "Ummm, not that many"

[Barry] "A thousand or so I could fit in next week"

[SL] "Errr, not a thousand"

[Barry] "Well exactly how many then?"

[SL] "Aaaah, three"

[Barry] Sighs, "OK, what are their names?"

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 06:38 PM
AB,

I thought you were bloody well "ear-wigging" (listening in) when I called that shearer.

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 06:39 PM
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ar$e, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 06:41 PM
One for the girls.

Think about it fellers.


An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

Are you ready for this...........?

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful.
Have a great day.

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 06:45 PM
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"says Sister Helen

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen .

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off the windshield! "

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 06:47 PM
An old NAVY Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old NAVY flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Alistair Hosie
06-08-2010, 06:53 PM
good one tiffe my friend :D Alistair

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 06:54 PM
Being of Irish extraction thse really got to me!!

Irish are the Best!


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

Sorry - not!!

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 07:02 PM
Inner Peace:
This is so true


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs . . .

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

And mine at that!

Bill736
06-08-2010, 10:06 PM
Two Irish men come home from work, and find that their wives, Mary and Shawn, have just been in a terrible fight with each other. When asked what happened, Mary explains; I went to me doctor today, and he gave me a bottle and told me to bring him back a "specimen". I had no clue what he wanted, so I asks Shawn what to do. She says " you just piss in yer bottle". So I says " and you just crap in yer hat ", and the fight was on !

Liger Zero
06-08-2010, 10:26 PM
The leaders of the Navy, Marine Corps and Air Force are playing golf.

After a few drinks the question came up: who had the most guts, biggest balls, the most courage.

The leader of the Marine Corps points at a passing Gunnery Sargent and shouts "YOU! RUN INTO TRAFFIC NOW!" The Gunny drops what he is doing and runs halfway across the expressway before he is hit by a bus.

The leader of the Air Force nods and says "Now watch this." He pulls out a radio, calls a jet fighter overhead and orders the pilot to point the nose at the ground and hit the afterburner, and don't pull up until ordered to do so. Seconds later the plane hits the ground full speed, killing the pilot.

The Admiral shakes his head and says "I can top that." He turns to the dock, looks high into the air and spots a seaman working aloft on an aircraft carrier.

He shouts: "YOU THERE! SEAMAN! JUMP!"

The Seaman shouts back "Sir, repeat that sir!"

The Admiral shouts again "I SAID JUMP!"

The Seaman looks down, frowns, and looks directly at the Admiral: "F*UCK YOU SIR" turns around and goes back to work.

HSS
06-08-2010, 11:16 PM
Old couple were in a pub having a drink, the guys says 'Mabel do you remember this was the pub we first had a date in in 1944, you wore that red dress and we went outside and had a knee trembler behind the pub'

'Yes I remember she says, it was sixty five years ago in the blackout, do you fancy trying it again for old times sake ?

Well unknown to them they had been over heard by a couple of youths who thought this was hilarious and watching a couple of wrinklies sounded like sport to them.

So Bert and Mabel disappeared round the back, Mabel leaned on the fence and Bert lifted her dress leaned over here and got on with it.

Bert was going like a train, his knees were shaking, spit was coming out the side of his mouth and he was shagging for England.

The youths were amazed, they had only see things like this on porn films, the stamina of the man was unbelievable, finally they broke apart and Mabel went to the ladies to tidy up.
Bert was sill on the floor trying to get his breath back when one of the youths approached him and said.

"Look we only took a look as we thought it would be a good laugh but we were dead impressed, were you as virile as this sixty five years ago ?

Eee lad I don't rightly know, that electric fence weren't here then......................

.

SOB, I laughed so hard at this one, I was crying. Took me forever to read it to my wife, trying to read thru the tears. This is the best one yet. Thanks John

Patrick

Arcane
06-08-2010, 11:31 PM
We were shearing on a big station in Western Queensland when a great ruckus erupted when a young rousie was found 'interfering' with the sheep in the back pens.

Some wanted him gone and others said to give the boy another chance, eventually the squater himself got involved and he said, "It is nothing, lots of the boys experiment with this sort of thing, he will grow out of it" then the union delegate shouted "You dont understand, we are shearing the rams this week!"



So............did you get to stay on the station?? :D:D:D

oldtiffie
06-08-2010, 11:43 PM
Why not? All he had to do was go to the back of the queue and give everyone else a go. When you are on a good thing - stick to it.

But have you ever considered getting both rear legs or a very big very irate ram out of your gum-boots while you're wearing them?

It ain't easy - but us from OZ and NZ, being the stalwarts that we are just press on regardless.

We've nearly fought wars with the Kiwis over wide-comb shearing heads - they are very dangerous around the family jewels and if that big ram bucks it could do you quite an injury.

oldtiffie
06-09-2010, 02:32 AM
The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

A) Sparrow

B) Thrush

C) Magpie

D) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple; It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

Ian B
06-09-2010, 10:42 AM
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I so miss mine."

malbenbut
06-09-2010, 12:41 PM
Posted by Evan
Condoms are commonly sold in three packs, 6 packs and an even dozen.

There is a reason for this.

The black studs buy the three packs and label them Morning, Afternoon and Evening.

The Italians buy the 6 packs and label them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc but never Sunday.

But the Englishmen buy the 12 packs and label them January, February, March......
__________________
You've got it wrong Evan - Its one pm- two pm- three pm-four pm- five pm right through till 12pm after that he has two hours sleep then goes to work for ten hours.
MBB

oldtiffie
06-09-2010, 04:37 PM
neurotics build castles in the sky,
psychotics live in them,
psychiatrists collect the rent,
I wonder who they call for home repair

=========================================

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

================================================== ==========
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16... Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs..A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

================================================== ===================


What has

THE RANGE OF

8

INCHES

LONG.

THE

FUNCTIONING

OF

WHICH

IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.

IS

USUALLY

FOUND

HUNG,

DANGLING

READY

LOOSELY

FOR

INSTANT

ACTION.

IT

BOASTS

OF

A

CLUMP

OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END

AND

SMALL

HOLE

AT

THE

OTHER.

IN

USE,

IT

IS

INSERTED,

ALMOST

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES

SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES

QUICKLY,

INTO

A

WARM,

FLESHY,

MOIST

OPENING

WHERE

IT

IS

THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT

AGAIN

AND

AGAIN

MANY

TIMES

IN

SUCCESSION,

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED

BY

SQUIRMING

BODILY

MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING

IN

WILL

MOST

SURELY

RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING

SOUND,

RESULTING

FROM

THE

WELL

LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.

WHEN

FINALLY

WITHDRAWN,

IT

LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITE

STICKY

SUBSTANCE,

SOME

OF

WHICH

WILL

NEED

CLEANING

FROM

THE

OUTER

SURFACES

OF

THE

OPENING

AND

SOME

OF

FROM

ITS

LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT.

AFTER

EVERYTHING

IS

DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS

HAVE

CEASED

EMANATING,

IT

IS

RETURNED

TO

ITS

FREELY

HANGING

STATE

OF

REST,

READY

YET

FOR

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY

REACHING

ITS

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES

A

DAY,

BUT

OFTEN

MUCH

LESS.


WHAT AM I?


AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,

THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN...

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

TOOTHBRUSH...

what were you

thinking?

You PERVERT!

oldtiffie
06-09-2010, 04:51 PM
You gotta read this

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb..

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

================================================

A must read for Grandparents.

Those who aren't will love it, too.


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded yes.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?'

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sports-manship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?'

Again the little boy nodded.

'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.

================================================== ================

An elephant asked a camel, why are your breasts on your back?'

'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.'

=====================================

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Love, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.

Now I have a £500,000 home, a £45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.

It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

===========================================

A little known fact...

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

================================================

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they
carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

A short time later over the PA system:

'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

=======================================

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?

Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order".

Weston Bye
06-09-2010, 06:30 PM
The Violin: A device that employs the tail of a horse to extract music from the entrails of a cat.

John Stevenson
06-09-2010, 06:39 PM
Weston,
That is a classic, may thanks for that insight on the world of music.

I was forced as a child at school to learn this abomination of an instrument. After three years the only decent sound I got out of that thing was an impersonation of Mike Hawthorn dropping 5 gears for Keppel Gate in the Isle of Man. :rolleyes:

smalltime
06-09-2010, 08:24 PM
Weston,
That is a classic, may thanks for that insight on the world of music.

I was forced as a child at school to learn this abomination of an instrument. After three years the only decent sound I got out of that thing was an impersonation of Mike Hawthorn dropping 5 gears for Keppel Gate in the Isle of Man. :rolleyes:

And THAT would be the sound worth hearing!

OKChipmaker
06-10-2010, 01:42 AM
High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

oldtiffie
06-10-2010, 07:39 AM
As there is a lot of use of icons - and emoticons? - as well as a lot of references to ar$e***s of one sort or another here, I thought I'd dig out this oldie and post it here.

E-MOONING!!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'AR$ICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ar$e

(__!__) a fat ar$e

(!) a tight ar$e

(_*_) an ar$ehole

{_!_} a swishy ar$e

(_o_) an ar$e that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ar$e

(_X_) leave my ar$e alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart ar$e

(_$_) Money coming out of his ar$e

(_?_) Dumb Ar$e

You have just been e-mooned!

gnm109
06-10-2010, 10:40 AM
THE POWER OF PRAYER IS A WONDERFUL THING!

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

Rex
06-11-2010, 09:41 AM
Weston,
That is a classic, may thanks for that insight on the world of music.

I was forced as a child at school to learn this abomination of an instrument. After three years the only decent sound I got out of that thing was an impersonation of Mike Hawthorn dropping 5 gears for Keppel Gate in the Isle of Man. :rolleyes:

Well, that's certainly a worthwhile result!

Rex
06-11-2010, 12:11 PM
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

oldtiffie
06-11-2010, 12:34 PM
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns in Women's Magazines!

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the lady from next door. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

oldtiffie
06-11-2010, 12:55 PM
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong !

========================================

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...

it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O
P Q R $ T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
( 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-$-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-$-$-K -I-$-$-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there,
it's the Bull$hit and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE
IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'
=========================================

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known
As 'C.S.D.'



Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D .
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own efen lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'

Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers,
Or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH. I love this One!!!

From a MOM
(Mean Old Mother.)

====================================

1 in 5 People will suffer from depression.

The "Mental Health Hotline": is available to anyone suffering from this disease

The instructions for the hotline are as follows.

"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you".

oldtiffie
06-11-2010, 01:10 PM
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for Ed

=========================================

An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Irishman shouts "Na ol ant-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow sh!t.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you".

The Irishman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

===========================================

MEN:
Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be King.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another public loo because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $1000. Morning suit rental $150.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

You have something to play with in your pocket all the time.

Your tummy usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a penknife.

You know how wide your car is.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache....

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it.

And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

============================================

A Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

Only one question was asked:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world ?"

The survey was a huge failure however because:

In Africa, they didn't know what *food*meant,

In India, they didn't know what *honest* meant,

In Europe, they didn't know what *shortage* meant,

In China, they didn't know what *opinion* meant,

In the Middle East, they didn't know what *solutions* meant,

In South America, they didn't know what *please* meant,

And lastly....

In the USA, they didn't know what *the rest of the world* meant.

jugs
06-11-2010, 07:25 PM
woman helping her husband set up their new computer,
for a password husband types PENIS, wife falls off her chair laughing when the computer replies password rejected.....









....not long enough
:)

jugs
06-12-2010, 03:13 AM
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.


Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.



One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.


The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?



Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?



It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it says:

Polish Remover!!!
:)

Weston Bye
06-12-2010, 06:01 AM
First a disclaimer: my wife is half Polish and consequently so are my children to some degree. All my sons-in-law, too.

Now the joke:

Polish boy tries out for the football team. The coach hands him a football and says " Can you pass this football?" Polish boy looks at it, turns it over, judges weight, considers, then says "Coach, I don't even think I could swallow it."

oldtiffie
06-12-2010, 07:54 AM
Aussie Customs

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai .He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, He sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pi$$ing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about $hit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs'.

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent say to become true Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink pi$$, and listen to bull-$hit. "

==============================================

Bunnings (big harware chain in OZ) Story !


Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his very sexy wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

That is why you can't send a woman to get something from Bunnings!

=========================================

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I say
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'

Mobile (cell) phones..... don't you just love them!

Jack Burns
06-13-2010, 04:19 AM
Two young women are strolling down the sidewalk chatting when one glances across the street and says "Hey, isn't that your boyfriend leaving the flower shop? And look what a beautiful bouquet he's carrying."

"Oh great" replied the other. "That just means I'll be spending the rest of the week flat on my back with my legs in the air."

Looking a bit puzzled, the first one blurts-out "Couldn't you just get a vase or something?"

jugs
06-28-2010, 03:28 PM
Paddy tells Mick that he's thinking of buying a labrador.
'Not on your life' say's Mick,

'Have you seen how many of their owners go blind'.

john
:)

Alistair Hosie
06-28-2010, 03:45 PM
Irish IRA man sent out to blow up tanks comes back with his lips badly burned on the exhaust pipes.Alistair

Black Forest
06-28-2010, 04:28 PM
eighty year old lady is admitted to the hospital emergency room with a gunshot wound to the knee.

The doctor asks her how she came to have a gunshot wound to the knee.

She explains that her dear husband died a while back and she just wanted to join him in heaven. So she asked someone where would be the best place to shoot someone to kill them right away. That person tells her the best place is direct in the heart. So she calls her doctor and asks him where exactly is her heart located. He told her just under your left breast!

loosewatches
06-29-2010, 01:57 AM
This is a great thread after the unfortunate, but entertaining Motorcycle mystery debate and hate thread. I submit the following, of unknown origin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, British people. Are you kidding me? “Washing-up liquid”?

It’s soap. Possibly detergent. “Washing-up liquid”?

I tried to use your ‘Queen’s English’ the other day, and I’ve got to tell you it’s not very convenient.

I was at home and I said to my wife, “Lovey, please save me some hot sprinkling-down-all-over-me liquid, I need to take a shower. Do we have any rub-it-into-my-hair-before-I-rinse-it-out-and-repeat-again liquid? **** it, I’ll just use me new bar of get-the-dirt-off-my-ass.”
“By the way, wifey, has the dog been drinking out of the flushing-it-down-the-toilet liquid-holder again? Bloody hell, that’s gross. Throw his buggar ass outside and show him his slurping-it-out-of-the-bucket fluid on the porch.”

I had to leave just then. I was going to the hardware store. It was a beautiful day and I thought I’d fetch me some brushing-it-all-over-the-outside-of-my-house substance. The only trouble was I didn’t know what color to paint the trim. Second-one-of-the-American-national-colors color would be good, but perhaps too plain. Every house on the block is like that. Maybe the true-shade-of-my-skin-even-though-everyone-says-I’m-a-second-one-of-the-American-national-colors-colored-guy color would be nice. Not so plain.

You guys kill me. Soap. Water. Shampoo. Soap. Toilet. Dog-Water (I’ll let you have that one.) Paint. White. Beige.

dp
06-29-2010, 02:03 AM
Stop me if you've heard this...

A PR guy goes into a machinist's BBS and says "hey guys - I have a Diesel-electric bi-folding motorcycle I'm designing for the past decade and I am looking for some well heeled investors".

Eh, say what? You've heard it? Damn

loosewatches
06-29-2010, 02:05 AM
In response to the list of ten fine puns a page or two back:

I'm a tipi! I'm a wigwam! I'm a tipi! I'm a wigwam!

No, settle down son. You're just two tents.

Ian B
06-29-2010, 03:59 AM
News just in - the magical motorcycle shapeshifted unexpectedly during test riding and threw its rider and passenger:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1289279/A-tight-squeeze-Couple-wedged-drainage-pipe-catapulted-motorbike.html

Ian

John Stevenson
06-29-2010, 04:13 AM
This is a great thread after the unfortunate, but entertaining Motorcycle mystery debate and hate thread. I submit the following, of unknown origin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, British people. Are you kidding me? “Washing-up liquid”?

It’s soap. Possibly detergent. “Washing-up liquid”?

I tried to use your ‘Queen’s English’ the other day, and I’ve got to tell you it’s not very convenient.

I was at home and I said to my wife, “Lovey, please save me some hot sprinkling-down-all-over-me liquid, I need to take a shower. Do we have any rub-it-into-my-hair-before-I-rinse-it-out-and-repeat-again liquid? **** it, I’ll just use me new bar of get-the-dirt-off-my-ass.”
“By the way, wifey, has the dog been drinking out of the flushing-it-down-the-toilet liquid-holder again? Bloody hell, that’s gross. Throw his buggar ass outside and show him his slurping-it-out-of-the-bucket fluid on the porch.”

I had to leave just then. I was going to the hardware store. It was a beautiful day and I thought I’d fetch me some brushing-it-all-over-the-outside-of-my-house substance. The only trouble was I didn’t know what color to paint the trim. Second-one-of-the-American-national-colors color would be good, but perhaps too plain. Every house on the block is like that. Maybe the true-shade-of-my-skin-even-though-everyone-says-I’m-a-second-one-of-the-American-national-colors-colored-guy color would be nice. Not so plain.

You guys kill me. Soap. Water. Shampoo. Soap. Toilet. Dog-Water (I’ll let you have that one.) Paint. White. Beige.

Don't worry Loose watches, one day you too will learn joined up writing.

.

winchman
06-29-2010, 04:14 AM
Forgive me if this is a repeat, but I just heard that Al Gore and his wife are getting a divorce. It seems she caught him boring another woman.

gnm109
06-29-2010, 10:37 AM
Forgive me if this is a repeat, but I just heard that Al Gore and his wife are getting a divorce. It seems she caught him boring another woman.


Very good.

I heard that one day Al gore was out on a date with Hillary Clinton. He told her "Gosh, you're a lot nicer than Tipper". Hlllary responded, "Why yes, that's what Bill says".

:)

saltmine
06-29-2010, 01:10 PM
Poetic justice?
The Fire Chief Explains

In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.



A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.. 6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor... The couple survived the fire.



Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera.
They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?



The fire chief said, "They were at work"

WAS Jr
06-29-2010, 10:23 PM
I know Hillary appreciates a good joke. I don't know her personally, just exchanged a few words with her from the next urinal at the mens room at the airport once. Bill S

gnm109
06-30-2010, 12:46 AM
I know Hillary appreciates a good joke. I don't know her personally, just exchanged a few words with her from the next urinal at the mens room at the airport once. Bill S


Yes, I've heard that she's a "stand up" kind of a girl. :)

Liger Zero
07-04-2010, 12:53 PM
On a warm summer's morning
' on a bus bound for Fairport...

I met up with The Operator...

we were both too tired to sleep.

So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness

'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, "Son, I've made my life out of make'n people's product,

And knowin' what their lies were by the way they held their eyes


so if you don't mind my sayin', I can see running short-shots...


For a taste of your coffee I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my thermos and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the bus got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.


Said, "If you're gonna run the press, boy, ya gotta learn to run it right.

You got to know how to mold 'em know where to hold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know what to run.
You never trim your product when you're working at the press boy.
There'll be time enough for trimming when the mold'n done.

Ev'ry Operator knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.

'Cause blisters can be fixed boy and every crack a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

When he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere before sunrise... The Operator, he changed over.
But in his final words I found some product I could ship...

....

You got to know how to mold 'em know how to hold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know what to run.
You never trim your product when you're working at the press...
There'll be time enough for trimming when the mold'n done.

Black Forest
07-06-2010, 06:13 AM
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held togethe by renergy sucking forces called lawyers, which are surrounded by vast quantities of leach like particles called democrats. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more lawyers to become neutrons, forming iso-dopes.


This characteristic of lawyer promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever democrates reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, and all energy is lost.
Reply With Quote

Black Forest
07-06-2010, 07:43 AM
"Fluctuations"

When I got back from Montreal last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I
needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local
bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me ... An Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of
yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says;
.
.
"Fluc you white people too!"

crancshafter
07-06-2010, 08:09 AM
One guy up north was reading in the paper about a gay down south who had been beath do death by his wife, with a fryingpan, shocked hi shaked his head and said to him self: "what the h..l was he doing at the kitchen???"
CS

lynnl
07-06-2010, 01:38 PM
The "Finals" day for the national collegiate men's extemporaneous poetry contest had arrived. One of the finalists, a liberal arts student from Yale stood before the panel of judges and was selected to go first.
His opponent, a co-op 4th year sophmore from West Virginia awaited his turn.

The lead member of the judge panel gave the Yale student his instructions: Construct a short visually oriented poem using the word Timbuktu.

The Yale man thought for a few moments then began:
"Slowly 'cross the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu"

"Very good" the judge said, "and now you sir...", nodding to the West Virginia lad.

He stepped forward and immediately began:
"Tim and me, a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They wuz three, and we wuz two
So I bucked one, and Tim bucked two"

Black Forest
07-06-2010, 02:05 PM
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time
to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who
have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a
Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to
be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

lynnl
07-06-2010, 02:36 PM
Here's a couple from Click and Clack, the tappet brothers', cartalk radio show this weekend, in case some of you might've missed it. :rolleyes:

Back in the 1800's, one of the best watch makers in the country was a family owned company in Connecticut, "Tates' Watch Company."

With the westward migration and expansion, made more arduous and hazardous by the lack of any signs or directions for westward travel, the Tates company decided to start producing compasses to aid the travelers in their journeys, (not to mention further enriching the company.)

As it turned out though, their compasses did not reflect the high quality of workmanship and dependability that their watches did. So a lot travelers destined for Calif., for example, might end up in Mexico, or the Pacific northwest.
So it was this case of manufacturing ineptness that gave rise to the expression "He who has a Tates is lost."

-------------------------------------------

Many years ago a world renowned botany professor led a team of graduate students on an expedition into the Amazon jungles, to discover and catalog any previously unknown plant species they might find.

He had the students go out and establish working relations with some of the remote villages and solicit the natives' help in the discovery process.

A few weeks later one of the top students returned and told of a rare fern the natives were using which served as a very effective laxative. The student showed some of the ferns to the professor who was very impressed, and said "My gosh! With fronds like this, who needs enemas."

------------------------------------------

A small local company opened for the new work week one Monday, to find that over the weekend some vandals or thieves had stolen every bathroom fixture, from every restroom in the facility.

When the TV news crew showed up to interview the company president about any progress in the investigation he said "right now we don't have a thing to go on."

-------------------------------------------

Remember William Tell, the great archer, famous for shooting the apple off his son's head?
What many people don't know is that William Tell, and his entire family were very avid bowlers, and helped initiate league bowling.
Unfortunately a fire destroyed the bowling facility, and all the records were lost in the fire.
As a result, "no one knows for whom the Tells bowled."

jugs
07-06-2010, 07:08 PM
This is a bricklayer's accident report. which was printed in the
Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a TRUE story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award. The letter begins:

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-storey building.

When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull; minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed on Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep in the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Mark McGrath
07-06-2010, 07:52 PM
This is a TRUE story.

Don`t know about a true story but I remember it as a song about twenty years ago.

Mark.

jugs
07-07-2010, 10:36 AM
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
.
.
.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
.
.
.
.
.
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Evan
07-07-2010, 11:23 AM
This really is a true story. I had no idea that a politician existed with a sense of humour.



A London hospital was today at the centre of controversy after an MP claimed that it hired out one of its wards to a film company to shoot a porn movie.

Portsmouth North MP Penny Mordaunt told the Commons that the movie had ended up generating “substantial income” for the hospital. She did not want to identify the hospital.

But the Standard understands it is St Charles Hospital off Ladbroke Grove in west London. Local health chiefs were unable to confirm or deny this.

Ms Mordaunt raised the case to highlight the need for transparency in public spending.

“When I was director of Kensington and Chelsea council, I discovered that one of our local hospitals was hiring out one of its closed — but fully equipped — wards to a film company to use as a film set,” she said.

“To add insult to injury, the movie was a pornographic one. Although I cannot claim to have seen the final picture — as I understand these things are no longer claimable on parliamentary expenses — it was a big-budget affair and generated substantial income for the hospital. But apart from cheering up a few of the inpatients, it cannot be said to be contributing to the objectives of the primary care trust.”


http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23853101-big-budget-porn-movie-filmed-in-london-hospital.do

Rustybolt
07-07-2010, 12:38 PM
Young man;
Had I known you were a virgin I would have taken my time.
Young lady;
Had I known you had more time I would have taken off my pantyhose.

John Stevenson
07-07-2010, 02:50 PM
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

.

fishfrnzy
07-08-2010, 12:57 AM
An oldie.

A rabbi has been performing circumcisions for many years and has been saving the foreskins in a jar with alcohol. One day the jar becomes full and he ponders what to do with them. An idea comes up and he takes them to a taxidermist and says " can you make anything with these " taxidermist says "come back in 2 weeks.'

The rabbi returns and says "what do you have for me?" Taxidermist says "you're going to love it." Then he produces a small pale wallet. The rabbi is a little underwhelmed but says " ok , how much for the wallet?" "two hundred dollars," says the taxidermist. Flabbergasted the rabbi says "why so much for such a little wallet?"

Taxidermist says, " how many people do you know that have a wallet that when you rub on it, it turns into a briefcase?"

jugs
07-09-2010, 08:18 AM
A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for ?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says,
.


.
"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"

john
:)

mlucek
07-09-2010, 09:25 PM
This is a bricklayer's accident report. which was printed in the
Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a TRUE story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award. The letter begins:

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-storey building.

When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull; minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed on Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep in the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry. The MythBusters show did a segment where they tried to duplicate this urban legend/myth. They were actually somewhat successful and considered the tale to be "plausible" That was one of the funnier episodes from that show too :D

Mike

jugs
07-17-2010, 05:05 PM
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are ******ed because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

:)

JanvanSaane
07-17-2010, 05:51 PM
My daughter told me a joke today. "Good news, GM has just invented a car that runs on water,,, but the bad news is you have to use water from the Gulf of Mexico". Jan

Arcane
07-23-2010, 06:23 PM
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning",said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".

"Go away!" said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.


''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Wrongway
07-27-2010, 06:38 AM
Two painters, and old guy and a youngster, were working in a large home and late in the day they got to the 2nd floor where they were greeted with a rather large corridor. The youngster says,"I've had enough for one day, I'm going home" The old painter says, "Not me, I'm in it for the long hall"

A pony was giving a speech at a convention and a fellow in the back couldn't hear and shouted for the pony to speak up. The pony says,"Excuse me, I'm a little horse"

speedy
07-27-2010, 07:16 AM
Hey Mate,


Really need your advice for a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.

The usual signs; phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid beside the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her
purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the
boat, I noticed...a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket...Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?


Terry

----------------------------------------------

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGANPARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , "IN 1967. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-B*TCH ASKED: "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

---------------------------------------------

Paddy and Murphy


Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."

Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

speedy
07-27-2010, 07:31 AM
..................

saltmine
07-27-2010, 11:47 AM
http://i643.photobucket.com/albums/uu155/saltmine_album/superchicken-1.jpg


”You knew the job was dangerous when you took it!"
Super Chicken and his faithful companion Fred, the lion are cruising high above the city, in his “Super Coop”. Super Chicken is looking down upon the city with an unusually large pair of binoculars. Fred notices the optical aids and comments, “Super Chicken, why don’t you use your Super Vision?”
To which Super Chicken replies, ”If I had supervision, do you think they would let me fly around above the city in a chicken coop with a lion?”

Arcane
07-30-2010, 02:43 AM
http://ensign.ftlcomm.com/ensign2/mcintyre/pickofday/2007/september/september24/food4thought.jpg

Liger Zero
08-09-2010, 12:26 PM
Next up on Mechanical Engineering Radio... The Number One smash-hit single from the movie Lack Of Grease: HOPELESSLY CORRODED TO YOU.

jugs
08-09-2010, 06:21 PM
An Irish man had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irish man stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home..
Again, he fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.


He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"


Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"



"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."
.

jugs
08-12-2010, 05:37 AM
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared th e daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

:)

DICKEYBIRD
08-12-2010, 03:11 PM
Y'know what's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish farmer?

The Stones say "Hey you, get offa my cloud" the farmer says "Hey McCloud, get offa my ewe!":D

Errol Groff
08-13-2010, 10:32 PM
A fellow was arrested on a charge of having sex with a goat. So he searches around for an attorney to defend him and finally finds a man who will work cheap and has a reputation for his uncanny ability to pick a jury.

The trial starts and the chief witness against him is on the stand. The prosecutor asks the witness to describe what he saw. Well he says, I saw that fellow there (the defendant) having sex with a goat. Then what happened asks the states attorney, the witness replied that then the goat turned around and liked him clean!

The defendant thought, I am doomed. Just then one juror leaned over and whispered to the man next to him "a good goat will do that you know"!

Errol Groff

Arcane
09-07-2010, 09:00 PM
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 300 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

Weston Bye
09-08-2010, 05:41 AM
My wife and I went to the restaurant, my wife ordered first, but incomplete. "And the vegetable madam?" The waiter prompted.

"Oh, he'll have the same."

That's when the fight started...

oldtiffie
09-20-2010, 03:51 AM
Things are getting a bit stoic and "dry" here so I thought I'd add a couple of "oldies" that have re-appeared in my In-box for the umpteenth time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joining the OZ Army:

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pi$$! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Harley Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage.

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked. "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks $1millon plus when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...........

"Try doing it with the engine running."

Arcane
09-30-2010, 09:06 PM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

gary350
09-30-2010, 10:01 PM
These are called clean jokes. When I was in high school clean jokes were very popular.

In 1967 and 68 do you remember the Tony the Tiger TV commercial?

Q: How do you get a tiger in your gas tank?
A: Kick him in the gas hole.

Q: How do you catch a polar Bear?
A: Cut a hole in the ice then sprinkle some peas around the hole. When he comes to take a pea kick him in the ice hole.

Q: What does a Bowing 707 have in common with a Bleach Blond.
A: They both have a black box.



Telephone Ringing....Hello this is the Police.

FRED....My neighbor George is hiding drugs in his wood pile some how he is hiding them inside the wood.

POLICE....Thanks for the tip.

Police arrive at Georges house and split every piece of wood but find no drugs so they leave.

Telephone Ringing......Hello this is George.

Fred.....Did the police come to your house and split all your wood?

George......Yes they did Fred.

Fred.....Habby Birthday George.



Gene made a machine.
Joe made it go.
Frank turned the crank.
Art let a fart blew it all apart.

Darrp
10-01-2010, 09:03 PM
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

Darrp
10-01-2010, 09:49 PM
A police officer in Penticton stop at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The Police officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Police officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......


With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs......

"Your badge. Show him your F***ing "BADGE"!

dsquire
10-01-2010, 10:20 PM
I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and a special novena/tv evangelist has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE When traveling in Canada I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician .
. .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


Cheers :)

Don

JCHannum
10-01-2010, 10:38 PM
It helps to be smarter than the fish;

http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers/

spope14
10-01-2010, 11:59 PM
I was at my 30th class reunion last year. My old friend George came over to me and said, "Hey, you remember Pete?".

Yeah, I said.

"He dated your old High School sweet heart for three years after you dumped her, then they broke up and he hasn't quit drinking since then, guess that has been about 25 years" said my friend.

Quickly I replied...."Cripes, that's a long time to celebrate"

jugs
10-10-2010, 05:55 AM
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?



A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,
his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He

opened his newspaper and began reading.



After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"



The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."



The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry.

I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"



The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."



MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

jugs
10-10-2010, 05:58 AM
*"Morning Sex"*

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"







She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

jugs
10-10-2010, 06:21 AM
He's 80, she's 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"He answered, "You've got to keep the old keep the old motor running.

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "you're amazing! How do you do it?" he again said: "you've got to keep the old motor running.



"The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!!! You certainly are quite a man!"He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running.



"The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil, this one's black!!

jugs
10-10-2010, 06:31 AM
Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HADTO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER..

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

jugs
10-11-2010, 05:03 PM
I was asked to go and see an ex-girlfriend today. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex.



The police weren't too pleased as I was only supposed to be identifying the body.

john
:)

jugs
11-09-2010, 06:28 PM
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the EntranceExam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'



And the Blonde entered into Heaven...:D

Arcane
11-09-2010, 07:42 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjkCl3-PId8

Oldbrock
11-09-2010, 08:02 PM
and then confucious say secretary not fixture in office 'till screwed on desk

Arcane
11-13-2010, 11:49 PM
Sitting together on a train traveling through the Canadian Rockies were a fellow from Saskatchewan , a fellow from Quebec, a little old lady and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later, there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The little old lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have groped the blond in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blond girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The fellow from Quebec thinks:That fellow from Saskatchewan must have groped the blond in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The fellow from Saskatchewan thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that a**hole from Quebec again. :D

jugs
12-04-2010, 04:58 PM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers: "Hello."

"Can I speak to Mrs Jones please."

"That's me"

"Mrs Jones, I'm calling about your husband's test results, I'm afraid the lab has mixed up the results from your husband's biopsy with those from another Mr Jones and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs Jones asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS, we can't tell which is your husband's"

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs Jones.
"Normally we can, but with the NHS cuts, they will only pay for these expensive tests one time"

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"We recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town"

"What then?"

"If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him"

:D

38_Cal
12-04-2010, 05:09 PM
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"

Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."

David

saltmine
12-04-2010, 05:09 PM
I won't say there's a lot of stupid people in Kingman, just a few real stupid ones.

Dental hygiene has never been on the top of the list for most of our "lower classmen"....Did you know that the toothbrush was invented here? Yeah, had it been invented anywhere else, it would have been named a "Teethbrush".

We have problems with our juvenile delinquents, just like most everywhere else. The other day I was in the hardware store and watched one of the local "taggers" shop-lift four spray cans of "satin clear" enamel.

38_Cal
12-04-2010, 05:13 PM
I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds. My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem. Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line.

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and now you do, don't you?

David

TGTool
12-23-2010, 09:25 PM
The season reminded me of this one.

The postman was beginning his deliveries just before Christmas and at one of the houses a very good looking woman meets him at the door. She says, "It's a cold day out there and you've got an extra load of mail these days. Why don't you come in. I've got a breakfast for you all ready."

Why not? So he goes in with him, she leads him to the kitchen and seats him at the table with a scrumptious breakfast, eggs, bacon, rolls, fresh fruit, the whole works.

As he finishes the meal and gets up she says, "You know, you work awfully hard and deserve something really special to perk up your day. How about taking a few more minutes, come into the bedroom and let's have sex."

What an offer! So he goes in and has a great round of vigorous sex with her. After getting dressed and thanking her, she's seeing him to the door when she stops him and says, "Just one more thing. This is for you." And she gives him a one dollar bill.

All this is just too much. He stops her and says, "Lady, I don't want to sound ungrateful because I really appreciated the breakfast and really enjoyed the sex with you, but I've got to ask, what's the deal with this dollar?"

"Oh," she says, "I was talking to my husband last week saying you've done such a great job of delivering the mail all year that we really ought to give you something for Christmas. I asked him what he thought was appropriate and he said "F**k him. Give him a dollar.' But the breakfast was my idea."

gary350
12-23-2010, 10:38 PM
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was that once you opened a door to a new floor, you either had to choose a man from that floor, or ascend to the next floor. You could not go back down a floor, except to leave the store, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the store to find a husband each.

First floor.

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign saying, "Well that's better than not having a job and not loving kids, but I wonder what's up further?" So up they went.

Second floor.

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.

gary350
12-23-2010, 10:43 PM
Telephone ringing........Hello, this is the police department, can I help you?

GEORGE. My neighbor Fred is hiding marijuana in his wood pile. Some how he is hiding it inside the wood, not sure how he is doing it.

POLICE. Thank you very much, we will check into it.

The police arrive at the neighbors house with a search warrent and search the wood pile. They find no marijuana so they split each piece of wood into several smaller pieces. Finding no marijuana they leave.

Telephone ringing.........Hello, this is Fred.

GEORGE. Hi Fred did the police come to your house and split all of your fire wood for you?

FRED. Yes they did George.

GEORGE. Happy Birthday Fred.

OKChipmaker
12-23-2010, 11:18 PM
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for thetraditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Arcane
12-31-2010, 03:57 PM
A friend sent me this and I bet it applies to a few of us here, a least a little bit. :)

Forgetter Be Forgotten?


My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke


For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the devil was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

mike os
12-31-2010, 03:59 PM
hmm.... talking about me are we?:D

Mcruff
12-31-2010, 04:08 PM
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

****ed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he focuses his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his thingy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Alistair Hosie
12-31-2010, 05:05 PM
You're thinking of the Scotsmen, Spin Doctor.
Wrong again they don't make condoms big enough for Scotsmen.:DAlistair a true Scotsman once I was asked is anything worn under your kilt Alistair I replied no miss it's all in good working order:D

Rex
12-31-2010, 08:23 PM
A farmer knocked on the door of a neighboring farmhouse and a youngster answered his knock. The farmer asked: "Is your father or mother at home?" The child said that they were both in town.

The farmer then asked if his brother, Harold, was at home. The youngster said he was at the other farm doing chores.

The youngster said: "I'm nine years old, sir, and I know where all the tools and wrenches are located, so I can get that for you."

The farmer said he had a problem he had to talk to his father about. The farmer's daughter was pregnant, and his brother, Harold, was the father.The youngster looked the man in the eye for a minute and said: "I don't know what to tell you, mister, Dad gets $50.00 for the boar, $500.00 for the bull, but I'm not sure what he charges for Harold."

oldtiffie
12-31-2010, 11:38 PM
I am all but certain that a Kiwi put the OZ tag on this:

Aussie Poem....

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree. He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

jugs
01-07-2011, 06:20 PM
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!!



Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."




My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.




Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.




I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.




After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.Nothing.




A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."




Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think..





2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

john
:)

TGTool
01-07-2011, 07:16 PM
The Darwins are out!!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a
hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger
again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine
and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was
approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to
a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies..
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the
lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head
to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer..$15. [If someone
points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him unconscious The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event
was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive
ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The
clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without
a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR
STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for..
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and
family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant
relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope
they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce, and they vote!!!!!

jugs
01-16-2011, 06:41 PM
From another forum

Here is an actual sign at a golf club in Scotland, UK.....




1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.



WELL DONE...







NOW FLUSH THE URINAL,

WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

john
:)

bob ward
01-16-2011, 06:54 PM
A retirement joke.

Wife "What are you going to do today?"

Husband "Nothing"

Wife "But you did that yesterday"

Husband "I didn't get it finished"

TGTool
01-16-2011, 10:46 PM
SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

Mcostello
01-20-2011, 10:40 PM
Dad took his Son nightcrawler hunting to get some worms for fishing. Teenage son was acting smart, Dad says if you are so smart, put one of these worms back in a different hole than it came out of. Son runs back to the house with a worm, trots back and pushes worm into a different hole. Dad said "How did you do that?" Son says "hairspray.) Dad runs back to the house, and reappears in a little bit quite happy, and hands the boy $10. Dad said that works great. Son asks why the $10. Dad says "Oh that is from your mother."

Oldbrock
01-20-2011, 11:29 PM
Sister Mary and Sister LaChance are taking their usual morning bike ride around town and Sister Mary said "lets go this way for a change" and turned down a cobblestone street. Soon after Sister LaChance said "I've never come this way before". Sister Mary smiled and said "I know, it's the cobblestones.

jugs
01-23-2011, 12:35 PM
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were very impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

Milton, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. But thank you anyway."

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was nice, though. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious.

Thank you."

john
:)

David S Newman
01-23-2011, 01:48 PM
An old golfer in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar.

COLD BEER £3.00
HAMBURGER £3.50
CHEESEBURGER £4.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH £4.25
HAND JOB £40.OO

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

Yes? she inquires with a wide knowing smile. May I help you ?

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady are you the one that gives the hand jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with a wide smile and purrs "Yes sir, I sure am"
The old golfer leans closer into her left ear and says softly,
"Well wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger.

jugs
01-24-2011, 07:26 PM
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her... But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' "Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

jugs
01-24-2011, 07:31 PM
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Mazda convertible. It was wonderful and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop.
She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the fuel injectors," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How often should I do that?"

jugs
01-24-2011, 07:45 PM
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says, "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister," says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the wagon to the dog's "privates."

"Little girl," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

jugs
01-24-2011, 08:12 PM
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.'

SteveF
01-25-2011, 08:17 AM
School is out for the summer and a 9 year old boy goes across the street to watch a construction crew build a house. One of the workers calls to the boy "Hey, if you are going to be here you need to get to work". The boy says "OK!". Surprised by this answer the worker puts the boy to work cleaning up scraps and such and putting them in the dumpster. At the end of the day the workers decide the boy had done such a good job they all chipped in some cash to pay him. The next day the boy shows up and the workers put him to work again helping out and pay him at the end of the day.

By the end of the week the boy has a fair bit of cash so his proud mother takes him to the bank to open his first savings account. After opening the account and depositing the money, the banker says "You did very well for your first week of work. Will you be working again next week?". The boy replies "I will if those a$$holes at Home Depot remember to deliver the gawddammed drywall!".

jugs
04-01-2011, 01:23 PM
A professor at Oxford University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his class, he asks, 'How many of you believe in ghosts?' 90 pupils raise their hand. 'Of those who believe in ghosts, how many think you've seen a ghost?' 40 pupils raise their hand. That's really good.
'Anyone here ever touched a ghost?' 3 ...pupils raise their hand. Fantastic. Now let me ask you one further question. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' At the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience'.

The Middle Eastern pupil replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have s*x with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said goat"

jugs
04-02-2011, 05:53 AM
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.


"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.


"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"


"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.












"YOU'RE GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE!"

john
:)

Bill736
04-02-2011, 11:10 PM
This joke is reportedly a real story once told by Art Linkletter, from his show "Kids Say the Darnest Things".
A young girl was in the front row of church on Easter Sunday, all dressed up in her fancy Easter best. The church pastor walked over to the girl, and complimented her pretty dress, and asked her if she was going to wear it again to church some Sunday. The girl shook her head "no" . The surprised pastor asked the girl why not, and the girl replied " Mommy says it's a bitch to iron".

jugs
04-28-2011, 07:10 PM
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:


"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"

John Stevenson
04-29-2011, 05:49 AM
A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store
for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

mike os
04-29-2011, 07:29 AM
A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store
for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

i thought that was a programmer joke :D

jstinem
04-29-2011, 06:46 PM
It's not a programmer joke. A programmer would have gotten seven cartons of milk...and what would be funny about that?

Joe, an old programmer

Ridgerunner
04-29-2011, 08:09 PM
Two ridgerunners from West Virg???? rent a boat and go fishing on a lake. They are having great luck so pappy says to Luke "We better mark this spot". So Luke reaches over the side of the boat and puts a big red X on it.

Pappy looks at him and says "How dumb can you be? How do you know we will get this same boat tomorrow"?




A minister, a priest, and a Rabbi win a car in a raffle. The minister goes over to the car and says a prayer. The priest goes over and sprinkles some Holy water on it. The Rabbi goes over and cuts an inch off the tailpipe.

bob_s
04-29-2011, 08:44 PM
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

jtrain
04-29-2011, 10:14 PM
OLD BUTCH



John was in the fertilized egg business.. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.




He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.




This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.



Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing..



Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.




John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!



When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.




To John 's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.




John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.




Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Arcane
04-29-2011, 11:14 PM
That's a good one, jtrain! :D

Black Forest
04-30-2011, 05:01 AM
Old Butch was a Democrat!

Jack F
04-30-2011, 10:31 AM
jtrain,
Love that one.

Jack.

mike os
04-30-2011, 12:54 PM
It's not a programmer joke. A programmer would have gotten seven cartons of milk...and what would be funny about that?

Joe, an old programmer

quite right Joe.... who said it was funny?:D

Dawai
05-01-2011, 06:08 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0kEMR1hQOQ
I don't do drugs, but if I figure out what these fellas are on.. I might have to try some..

mnrjohnson
05-03-2011, 08:44 PM
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were filling for divorce. Mickey was checking on procedings when the judge informed him he didn't belive he could grant the divorce just because he thought Minnie was cazy. Mickey stated that he didn't think she was crazy he said she is f****** Goofey!

jugs
05-19-2011, 05:49 PM
paddy took his goldfish to the vets and told the vet that the fish was suffering from epilepsy,

the vet turned to paddy and said it looks calm enough to me,

paddy says i havnt taken it out of the bowl yet

DATo
05-19-2011, 06:02 PM
Baptizing a drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher *grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found him."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes, sputters, coughs, catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

jtrain
05-20-2011, 10:11 AM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies", he responded.

"Oh ! Killing any?", she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she inquired, "How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

TGTool
05-20-2011, 10:29 AM
A turtle stumbles into the police station and tells them he's just been mugged by three snails. So they sit him down to calm him and take down details of the attack.

They ask, "Can you describe any of these snails who attacked you?"

"Gee," the turtle says, "I don't know. It all happened so fast"

cuemaker
05-20-2011, 10:42 AM
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall???

"Dam"

DATo
05-20-2011, 06:37 PM
An old couple went over to their friends house for dinner. The women went into the kitchen, and the men were talking.

"So," the host asks, "Where was that place that you went for vacation?"

The guest stops to think. "What's that flower called? It's red and has thorns..."

"Rose?" asks the host.

"Yeah!" then he turns and calls into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! Where did we go for vacation again?"

Guido
05-22-2011, 12:22 PM
New shop hires a psychiatrist to evaluate the employees.

Psycho puts Sir John in an empty room, three large, heavy steel balls laying on the floor, closes the door. In 1 hour, psyco opens the door to find Sir J. sitting in a corner and the three large balls all lined up in a row.

Psycho then puts Evan in the room with the three steel balls, closes the door for an hour then opens and finds Evan sitting in the corner and the steel balls placed in an exact, perfectly/accurately placed equilateral triangle.

Psycho puts Dawai in the room, again with the three balls, closes the door, then opens in a short while, and finds Dawai sitting in a corner, but one of the steel balls is missing, another is smashed flat and the third is broken into a dozen pieces scattered about the room.

Dawai says to not blame him, cause those balls were just like that when they put him in there.

--G

danlb
05-22-2011, 02:24 PM
A preacher walking along the street encountered a lady of the evening proposing to ply her trade. He was shocked, told her that he was a man of the cloth and proceeded to lecture her on the errors of her ways. Proceeding on home, he was much troubled by the incident and prayed about her far into the night.

The next morning he was walking down the same street when he saw the same woman again.

"Madam", he said, "I prayed for you last night."

"Well, Reverend, you didn't have to do that. If you'd phoned I'd have come right over."

1-800miner
05-24-2011, 12:04 AM
A woman complains to her doctor that she has two green spots on her inner thighs,she has done everything she can think of and they won't go away.

The doc says"Lets take some tests and when the results come back next week I will call you"

Next week he calls"Before I tell you what I think is happening,I need you to answer a question.That woman sitting by you in the waiting room last week,would that be your girlfriend?"

Woman replies "why yes,how did you know I have a girlfriend?"

Doctor"You need to let her know that her ear rings are not real gold."

Jack F
05-25-2011, 11:23 AM
Back in the olden days a southern lady takes her two daughters to the photo studio to have their portrait taken. The cameraman sets the two down in front of the scene then goes behind the camera and drapes the black cloth over his head and adjusts the lens. First little girl asks the other..."what he gona do"? The sister says..."he gona fucus". First little girl lets out a schreek then says..."bofus"?

Jack.

DATo
05-30-2011, 02:09 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip and Sherlock says to Watson. "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce." Watson looks up and after awhile says, "Well the constellation Orion is in a position to suggest that we are in the northern hemisphere, and by following the handle of the Big Dipper I should say that we may deduce the direction of 'North', and also by the position of Venus over the horizon we can deduce that the sun will rise in about an hour and a half." Sherlock replies, "No Watson, you insufferable idiot, it means someone has stolen our tent."

HWooldridge
06-03-2011, 12:22 AM
Two Cajuns, Monroe and Thibeaux, meet on the streets of Lafayette. After some chit-chat, Monroe says, "Say, mon, tole me wot you done give up for Lent dis year?". The other Cajun replies, "Well, I tink about it awhile an finally I give up whiskey and all dat devilish drinkin". Monroe replied, "Ohh, mon Cherie, no way I could do dat".

The two commiserate a minute then Thibeaux asks Monroe, "So, tole me now, wot you done give up for Lent? The other responds, "Well, I tink about it awhile and I give up sax wit de wife". His buddy remarks, "Ohh, mon, I tole you no way I could do dat". They commiserate a while longer then a long pause ensues.

Finally, Monroe says, "You know, givin up da sax is purty tuff. De udder day, de old lady, she bend over and I cannot help myself so climb right on." The other Cajun whispers in a hushed tone, "You know, pard, dey t'row you out de church for breakin' de vows an' dat stuff."

Monroe says sadly, "Well, I don't know bout de church but dey sure t'row you out McDonald's."

batt-man
06-03-2011, 02:55 AM
Boy walks into school a couple of hours late and sits down at his desk.

Teacher says "Johnny - why are you so late getting to school?"

Johnny replies "sorry miss but my father got burnt this morning"

"oh no" says the teacher "i hope it's not too serious?"

Johnny looks at her and says "they do not piss about down the crematorium"

neksmerj
06-10-2011, 06:58 AM
After the evening meal, Shaun announces to his missus, "I'd be taking meeself off to a fancy dress ball, by meeself. Just gotta pick up me Mickey Mouse costume on the way", and off he goes leaving his missus to clean up.

Shaun's missus is furious, and decides to go to the fancy dress ball by herself.

On the way she picks up a Minnie Mouse costume from the local shop.

At the ball, she spots Mickey Mouse, and asks for a dance. Before long, she leads Mickey outside, and takes him around the back of the hall. After a bit of heavy kissing, it's not long before a bit of hanky panky takes place, if ya know what I mean.

Later that evening, Shaun comes home to find his missus still up, waiting for him, looking rather disheveled and out of breath. "How was your night" Shaun asks? "Boring" she replies, "how was yours?"

"Top of the evening, top of the evening it was". "The only problem I had was the costume hire shop, he gave my costume to another fella, so I had to go as Donald Duck".

neksmerj
06-10-2011, 07:09 AM
Shaun and Paddy are on a flight to Dublin, when the Captain announces "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are experiencing a problem with engine No.4, and will have to shut it down. There's no need for alarm, we can fly safely on 3 engines. We will be 15 minutes late getting in".

Ping, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a vibration in engine No.3 and will have to shut it down". There's no need for alarm, we can fly safely on 2 engines. We will be 30 minutes late getting in".

15 minutes later, Ping, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a vibration in engine No.2 and will have to shut it down". There's no need for alarm, we can fly safely on 1 engine. We will be 45 minutes late getting in".

Paddy leans over to Shaun, and says, "Shaun, I hope we don't lose the last engine, we'll be up here all night".

duckman
06-10-2011, 12:44 PM
3 nuns are talking 1 says I saw our priest buying condoms, the second says I saw him put them in his bureau and I poked them full of holes, the third nun faints.:D

DATo
06-10-2011, 06:27 PM
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "Really? What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph ..... "I've got the airbag!"

jugs
06-20-2011, 03:01 AM
Dan was a single bloke living at home with his Dad and working in the family business.

When Dan found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his forthcoming fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary bloke," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my widower father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.



Three days later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

john

DATo
07-04-2011, 06:46 AM
A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight."

saltmine
07-04-2011, 11:11 AM
Ok, enough of this.
Oh, alright one more......

A duck walks into a tavern.

The bartender goes over to see what he wants..

"What do you want?" the barkeep asks.

The duck replies, "Have you got any crackers?"

"No, I don't have any crackers." says the bartender.

About an hour later, here comes the duck again.

The barkeep meets him at the bar and says,"What do you want, this time?"

The duck looks up at him and says,"Have you got any crackers?"
"No! I don't have any darned crackers!" the bartender roars, " And if you come back here again asking for crackers, I'm going to nail your beak to the counter!"

Sure enough, two hours later, the duck walks in, right up to the bar.

"Now what do you want?" the barkeep yells.

The duck calmly looks up at him, and says, "Have you got any nails?"

"NO! I don't have any nails!" says the bartender.

"Ya got any crackers?" says the duck.....

lynnl
07-04-2011, 11:24 AM
A duck walks into a drug store, tells the clerk he wants to buy a condom.

The clerk gets the condom and asks "will that be cash or credit card."

The duck says "just put it on my bill."

TGTool
07-05-2011, 09:21 PM
Ole and Sven were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

Ole said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."

"What's dat, den?" asks Sven.

"Send my lawn away to be mowed."

Evan
07-05-2011, 09:48 PM
http://ixian.ca/pics8/trade2.jpg

DATo
07-06-2011, 03:58 AM
A modern day American Indian reservation in the West had lost their chief to old age and a new chief was installed. The old chief had known the ways of the wild and was locally famous for his ability to predict the coming winters with amazing accuracy.

The new chief was younger and had not learned to read the signs. At the Autumn Council, as was their tradition, the Indians asked the chief about the coming winter. The chief, not wanting the people to be caught short, replied, "It's going to be cold. Start gathering wood."

A few days later the chief called the National Weather Service and asked what the winter would be like and received the answer that "We expect a fairly cold winter."

The chief went back and told the people to gather more wood in preparation for a very cold winter."

A week later he called the NWS again and received the reply, "We expect a very cold winter with extended periods of snow."

The chief told the people to gather anything that would burn in anticipation of an extremely cold winter.

A week later he calls the NWS again and is told "We expect a severe winter with below zero temperatures, extreme snowfall and dangerous condittions."

The chief asks, "How can you predict that this early in the season?"

The NWS guy says, "Man, the Indians are gathering wood like crazy."

jugs
07-22-2011, 03:28 AM
Always Listen Carefully…
When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashing continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 67 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding, in pain, and crawling away from the Pearly Gates, an angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

john
:)

Arcane
07-22-2011, 10:49 AM
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded
weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive"

OKChipmaker
07-22-2011, 11:15 AM
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen

gary350
07-22-2011, 11:19 AM
These are OLD CLEAN JOKEs from the 60s, they were called CLEAN JOKES. Anyone remember the Tony the Tiger GAS advertisement on TV from the 60s.

How do you get a Tiger in your fuel tank?
Kick him in the gas hole.

How to you catch a Polar Bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, sprinkle peas around the hole, when a bear comes to take a pea kick him in the ice hole.

Gene made a machine.
Joe made it go.
Frank turned the crank.
Art let a fart blew it all apart.


There was a real funny joke about the old woman diarrhea TV commercial I can't remember how it goes.

There were 100s of clean jokes these are all I remember.

OKChipmaker
07-22-2011, 11:19 AM
A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine? 'asked the solicitor.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for anymore details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question please. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer, and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine, he was in fact Ok. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign, and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his pistol and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in his hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now in all honesty yo honor, wot would you say

OKChipmaker
07-22-2011, 11:22 AM
The doctor, upon hearing screaming from one of the hospital rooms entered and recognizing the dyslectic nurse yelled "No No, the chart says you were to prick his boil!"

mike os
07-22-2011, 11:46 AM
now I need to clean my monitor & keyboard...covered in coffee :D

HWooldridge
07-22-2011, 09:52 PM
An old German farmer made a point to walk the 2 miles distance from his farmhouse to the local pub. A vicious dog lived near the path and would chase the old man every time he went by. The man finally got tired of this so he dropped a revolver in his pocket the next time out. As usual, the dog attacked but this time the farmer shot him four times. The dog ran back home and died under the porch. Unfortunately, the dog belonged to a local wealthy businessman who brought the farmer up on charges.

At the trial, the attorney for the plaintiff was questioning the old farmer, who was also very deaf, in an attempt to make him look bad. He asked the following:

Lawyer: Are you aware of the case against you?
Farmer: Nein, Ich hab nicht Case; only got a John Deere.

Lawyer (mildly annoyed): No, I mean do you recognize these grounds?
Farmer: Ja, of course, der grounds are mein 125 acres.

Lawyer (now perturbed): Sir, did you ever beat the dog up?!
Farmer (also starting to get mad): Ach no, dummkopf! Der damn dog vast up every time I valked by!

Lawyer (exasperated): Mr. Schmidt, can you tell us if you shot the dog in self defense?
Farmer (now smiling broadly): Nein, nein - Ich shot him in der ass und den he jumped de fence!

Judge: Case dismissed!

jugs
07-23-2011, 02:20 AM
Some simple things to make you smile.
John

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
they've lost the plot!!


I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the
channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand
the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!! not likely I thought, I can
get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
country?'


john
:)

DATo
07-23-2011, 03:06 AM
President Clinton was walking along with a beautiful dog. A gentleman came up to the President and said, "My, what a lovely dog!" The President responded, "Thank you very much. I got it for Hilary." To which the gentleman said, "Nice trade."

sasquatch
07-23-2011, 09:16 AM
Blonde Jokes again:

Two blondes are caught in a big hailstorm, while driving.
Their car has now little dents on the hood roof etc.
They go to a body shop to see about getting it repaired,
The guy looking at the dents notices how clueless these blondes are, are decides no he don't want anything to do with this job.
So to get rid of them he tells them this is very simple to fix your'e self, just go home and then blow up the tailpipe real hard and the dents will just pop out.
Oh how cool!! that is so easy, we can do that they say!!!
At home the one blonde gets down and blows and blows as hard as she can,, the other is watching, and the dents are still there.
So,,, she trys again and again, still nothing,, the dents are still there,, The other blonde, suddenly says WAIT,, your,e so dumb,,,,,


LOOk,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and she points at the car,,,, "THE WINDOWS ARE STILL DOWN"!!!!!:rolleyes:

jugs
07-27-2011, 05:08 PM
The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Camaron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."


Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived.
He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all colored with Union Jacks with small writing on each one: MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL


john
:)

boslab
07-27-2011, 08:19 PM
wrt the wonderful condom joke;
XXXL?

During World War II, British soldiers discovered that placing a condom over a gun's barrel would keep the weapon dry and prevent it from corroding (near the sea) or icing up (in winter conditions).
No such condoms existed for larger weapons, however, and it was suggested to Winston Churchill one day that 18" long specimens be made to cover larger artillery pieces.
Churchill agreed, with two stipulations. First, the larger condoms would clearly be labeled "For Use By British Servicemen." And second? The condoms would also be labeled "Small"!


i thought that was funny!

sasquatch
07-28-2011, 09:30 PM
Guy goes into the public washroom to take a leak.

Stands beside a guy at the next urinal,, and as he turns to leave he happens to notice the other guy has the word
Swan" tattoed on his penis.
Curious the the guy says , not trying to be nosey but just got a glance of the word "Swan" tattooed on your'e penis,, and wondering what the meaning of that was?

The guy replies,,,, oh my girlfriend runs a tattooe parlour, and she did that,, it actually reads ,,, "Saskatchewan".:eek: :D

shipto
07-29-2011, 06:20 PM
A blonde is driving down a country lane when she notices another blonde in the middle of a field in a row boat using the oars to get herself to the other side of the field.
Fuming the blonde stops her car by the side of the road and storms up to the fence then starts shouting at the other blonde "YOU KNOW ITS STUPID DUMB BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE ALL US BLONDES A BAD NAME AND IF I COULD SWIM I WOULD PUNCH YOU ON THE NOSE"

deeman
07-29-2011, 08:50 PM
Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favourite bar drinking beer.
Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic? ' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.'

DATo
07-30-2011, 05:02 AM
It was a rather loud disturbance in the wee hours of the morning outside the pub ... An Irishman wandered back and forth on the sidewalk into the street; onto the sidewalk and back into the street in front of the pub, hollering and swearing as he stumbled back and forth while holding half a pint in one hand and a key in the other...

A small crowd begins to grow and, finally, the constables arrive on the scene. Seeing that what they were dealing with is one rather inebriated and irate young man, one approached him and asked, "Can I help you lad?"

"Yesss, schur," the Irishman slurred. "sshumbody stoll me car!"

"Well now, lad," the constable inquires."Where was your car last time you saw it?"

Waving his car key in the air in front of him, as if to put it into the ignition, the Irishman "Wey, the lorst time I saw it it were at the eind of me key."

At about this time the other cop has noticed that the Irishman's zipper is down - and it's all there to be seen, so he quietly asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The Irishman looks down, drops his shoulders woefully and moans "OOH ME GOD... they got me girl too!!!"

OKChipmaker
07-30-2011, 11:54 AM
THE DEAD PARROT
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Rod."

"WHAT FUNERAL???!!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep do-do."

lynnl
08-03-2011, 12:00 PM
(this just in from the CarTalk guys)

A little, silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Dawai
08-03-2011, 12:29 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3SFXQfE4kk
Obama frustrated.. kicks door in... ALL in good humor...

jugs
08-03-2011, 05:44 PM
Some sentences in letters written to councils in the UK (nearly English):




1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.

11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13.. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14.. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15.. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16.. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17.. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something
about it.

18.. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on
top of me every night.

19.. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23.. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.













john
:)

John Stevenson
08-03-2011, 05:53 PM
Stopped at the traffic lights today and this mini bus full of muslims pulled up at the side of me.
Suddenly there is a big squeal of brakes followed by an enormous crash and an 18 wheeler runs right into the back of the mini bus killing all the occupants.

I was overwhelmed with shock and grief, I thought that could have been me.

So I went and enrolled on a HGV driving course..............

Black Forest
08-03-2011, 09:47 PM
Two men were out hunting. One of the men has to take a leak and goes over behind a tree starts to pee. Then his friend hears a loud scream so he goes over to his friend behind the tree. The man is laying on the ground writhing in pain. He says a rattle snake bite him on the end of his penis. The fit friend says he will go get the doctor. He runs back to camp, jumps in his truck and drives to town to get the doctor. He finds the doctor and tells him his friend has been bitten by a rattle snake. The doctor tells him he is on his way to deliver a baby and he can't come but that he should not worry. All he has to do is go back and make two slits on the teeth marks and then suck out the poison and his friend will be fine. He asks the doctor what will happen if I don't do that? The doctor tells him in all probability your friend will die!

So he drives back to camp and then hikes back and finds his friend. The man asks did he find the doctor and what did he say?

He replies, " He says you are going to die."

HWooldridge
08-03-2011, 11:19 PM
A primate biologist finds an orphan male gorilla in the African rain forest and decides to raise it as a human. He teaches it to do everything except speak - but it can wear clothes, dance, eat with utensils, drive a car, go to the office and work, play golf, etc. Arnold Palmer reads about it on CNN and decides enough is enough so he challenges the gorilla to a golf game for a grand pot of one million dollars and a bonus of $100,000 per hole. Word leaks out and the media shows up from all over the world, headlines blaring, "Arnold Palmer vs. Ape Man - Match of a Lifetime!"

The gorilla shows up alone except for the biologist, who acts as his interpreter. Palmer shows up with over fifty people in his entourage. The gorilla is wearing a complete set of golf togs, accurate down to his shoes and has a complete set of Callaway golf clubs. Arnold is pretty disgusted so he readily agrees to let the gorilla go first. Hole 1 is a 430 yard, par 5, with three sand traps and a dogleg to the left to make par. The gorilla steps up to the tee, checks the wind, and proceeds to hit a massive drive, which sails out to make a vast hook to the left and eventually drops to the green, finally rolling perfectly to make a hole in one.

Arnold is smart enough to know a good thing when he sees it and quickly decides discretion is the better part of valor so he concedes the match. After the press departs, he quietly pulls the biologist aside and says, "He drives like no one in the history of golf - how is his putting game?". The biologist replies a bit slyly, "Same way, 430 yards, dog-leg to the left."

DATo
08-04-2011, 04:39 AM
An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

"What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out:

"Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

Lord, bless this food,
which I am about to receive
from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord,
Amen.

Black Forest
08-29-2011, 02:21 PM
Dear Lord,

This Year You Took My Favorite Actor, Patrick Swayzie.

You Took My Favorite Actress, Farah Fawcett.

You Took My Favorite Singer, Michael Jackson.

I Just Wanted To Let You Know, My Favorite President Is Barack Obama. Amen

Ian B
09-05-2011, 07:21 AM
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed off if it's not ready on time."
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a tin of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?"
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his arse."

lugnut
09-05-2011, 12:04 PM
Obama walks into a bar with parrot on his shoulder.
The bar tender says, Where did you get that?
In Africa.......... they are all over the place says the Parrot.

DATo
09-05-2011, 02:32 PM
A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny from New York. I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks. The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedabout it......"

"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."

Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."

The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?

Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree'n dirty tree' n dirty tree-dat's 99".

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."

Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."

The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"

New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a crap on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd - which makes a hunnert. Bada boom, bada bing. When do I freakin' start?"

John Stevenson
09-05-2011, 04:06 PM
So five blokes go for a job on a building site.
There is Wack who comes from Liverpool, Mick who comes from Northern Ireland, Paddy who comes from Southern Ireland, Mac who comes from Scotland and a coloured gentleman from Jamaica.

So the foreman explains the hours, facilities and the fact they will be on a months trial and have to work the first week in hand.

All nod OK except the coloured gentleman who tells the foreman he's flat broke and needs to pay his rent and can he have an advance.

Forman turns round to the others and says

"Mick, Mac, Paddy, Wack, give the wog a loan.

.

Bob D.
09-05-2011, 06:03 PM
Stolen from Brownell's web newsletter:
---------------------------------
There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve poles.Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!""Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground."

Rex
09-13-2011, 03:35 PM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said:

"Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

Abner
09-13-2011, 04:06 PM
Give a man a fish you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will be too busy fishing to realize you are fooling around with his wife.

Jim Caudill
09-13-2011, 04:24 PM
A couple had been trying, for years, to get pregnant. They had used all sorts of techniques and home remedies, but couldn't afford the new medical procedures.

Finally the woman announced she was pregnant at a social gathering. A gentleman congratulated her and told her a story. He said he used to be in the egg business and that he was having an awful time getting the hens to lay. Finally, out of desperation, he said he got a new cock, and everything seemed to work out fine.

Hmmm, said the woman, what a coincidence.

OKChipmaker
09-13-2011, 10:51 PM
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the
> woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
>
> "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
>
>
> "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
>
>
> "Look around,"said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
> size, color and material imaginable.
>
> "Actually, even with all of this variety,
> there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."
>
> Relieved, the man asked about the types.
>
> The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
> Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
> Which one would you prefer?"
>
> Now totally befuddled, the man asked about
> the differences between them.
>
> The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. .
>
>
>
> The Catholic type supports the masses;
>
> The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
> The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
> The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
>
> Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
> to define bra sizes?
>
> If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it
> is about time you became informed!
>
>
> (A} Almost Boobs...
> {B} Barely there...
> {C} Can't Complain!...
> {D} Dang!...
> {DD} Double dang!......
> {E} Enormous!...
> {F} Fake...
> {G} Get a Reduction...
> {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...
>
>
> Send this to all who will appreciate it!
>
>
> They forgot the German bra:
>
> Holtzemfromfloppen

Toolguy
09-14-2011, 12:24 PM
And the Arkansas one - Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder.

Dawai
09-16-2011, 06:11 AM
Who blinked first the pitt bulldog or the chicken.. the pitt ran like hell.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpwN2kn1QV8

I keep expecting someone to "steal" this beautiful healthy dog for a dog fighting ring.
He's the same color as mine, looks like him, acts like him with a pleasant nature, listens when you talk, and understands a lot more than is possible..

Still funny as hell, the chicken ran him a block..

jugs
09-28-2011, 09:21 AM
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.




http://uk.mg40.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f133995%5fAHG2ktkAAXmjToMB%2fQqMXn 1tgoo&pid=1.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1



On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit.He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."



"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Evan
09-30-2011, 04:54 PM
A couple of nurses are discussing the patients on the ward. The older nurse comments to the younger "Did you notice that the handsome young man with the broken leg in #27 has his initials "SN" tattooed on his "member"? The younger nurse replies "Those aren't his initials, it spells Saskatchewan..."

Arcane
09-30-2011, 08:39 PM
No, it doesn't spell just Saskatchewan...it spells SASKATOON SASKATCHEWAN! :D

And my leg has healed up very well, thank you!

jack3140
09-30-2011, 09:00 PM
No, it doesn't spell just Saskatchewan...it spells SASKATOON SASKATCHEWAN! :D

And my leg has healed up very well, thank you!
BRAGGART lol

gary350
09-30-2011, 10:18 PM
How can you tell if there is an elephant hiding under your bed?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
His tricycle will be in the driveway.

DATo
10-01-2011, 03:06 AM
Killer Biscuits Wanted for Attempted Murder (the actual AP headline)


Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of breaddough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

gizmo2
10-02-2011, 10:47 AM
An old gal likes to hang out in the Alzheimer's ward at the nursing home. On Monday morning, she stops three gents heading her way. "I bet I can tell how old you are just by feel," she claims. "I'd sure like to see that!" one of the gents answers. So she shoves her hands down the front of his pants, noodles around for a minute, then pronounces, "You are 87 years old."

"That's amazing! How do you do that?" he asked. "You told me, last Thursday."

Scottike
10-02-2011, 03:11 PM
A beautiful young blond driving a brand new Masseratti parks in front of a bank in downtown Manhattan and goes inside.
She goes up to the bank manager, and says to the manager,
"I need to fly to Europe, and am a little short of funds, would you loan me $2000?"
The manager replies that they might be able to do that if she has some collateral to guaranty the loan with.
She points the Masseratti out to the manager and asks, "Would you be willing to accept my car as collateral?, It cost about $500,000 when I bought it last week."
The manager, amazed, and somewhat suspicious that someone would be willing to put a car like that up as collateral for such a small loan, tells her,
"Yes we will accept the car as collateral, but we'll have to take possesion of the car until the loan is repaid."
The young woman agrees, gives the manager her car keys, gets her $2000 and flys off to europe.
After she leaves, the manager investigates the blonds background and finds out that she comes from a very prominant, wealthy family, has millions of dollars of her own, and is even more amazed and that she needed to borrow a measly $2000 when she could have withdrawn a thousand times that from her own bank.
Two weeks later, the young blond walks into the bank, and repays the manager the $2000 she had borrowed plus the interest due.
As the manager hands the young woman her car keys, his curiosity gets the better of him, "You come from a very prominent and wealthy family, and are very rich yourself, may I ask why you needed to borrow $2000 from our bank?
The young blond just smiled, and replied, "Have you ever tried to find parking in Manhattan?"

Jack F
10-02-2011, 07:20 PM
Gary 350,

How do you tell there has been a female elephant in your bedroom?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Your mattress is missing and there is a quarter on the night stand!

When I first heard that joke it was a dime, but that was 20 years ago.:D

jugs
10-13-2011, 06:22 AM
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.

The foreman grins at the bear and says .....



"Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

OKChipmaker
10-13-2011, 11:40 AM
Lizard Birth

If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent,absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . .. its . . . teeny little . .. .."

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!