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View Full Version : What not to say to your wife!!!



Black Forest
08-29-2011, 08:08 AM
This morning my wife asks me, "Do you still love me?"

I reply, "Yes, you are everything I ever wanted in a woman plus more." She smiles and says, "More." Then I couldn't resist. (pause) Yes dear, about twenty pounds more!"

It might be a long cold winter!

davidwdyer
08-29-2011, 08:32 AM
It's funny, but I'm hoping you really didn't say that.

Boucher
08-29-2011, 08:35 AM
It may be. The sheep may get prettier also.

A.K. Boomer
08-29-2011, 08:59 AM
I spank girls if they let themselves get a little to heavy --- trouble being is some of them actually like that and this can result in binge eating and turn into a vicious cycle...

Black Forest
08-29-2011, 09:09 AM
I did really say that this morning.

PixMan
08-29-2011, 09:20 AM
I wouldn't worry too much then. She's apparently got a great sense of humor....she married you. :D

gary350
08-29-2011, 09:23 AM
To Cuddle with a skinny woman is like cuddleing with a plastic manikin. I like women that are a little on the plus size.

Weston Bye
08-29-2011, 09:32 AM
She was the answer to my prayers - but not what I prayed for.

Been married 42 years.

KiddZimaHater
08-29-2011, 09:41 AM
Women marry men hoping to change them...
Men marry women hoping they WON'T change.:(

1-800miner
08-29-2011, 10:13 AM
When mine asks that question I am expected to hand over the credit card,with a smile and say"You are everything I ever hoped for"

brian Rupnow
08-29-2011, 11:26 AM
Bruce---Time for a quick shuffle, and "Yes Dear, There's just that much more to love!!!"

Dr Stan
08-29-2011, 11:32 AM
This morning my wife asks me, "Do you still love me?"

I reply, "Yes, you are everything I ever wanted in a woman plus more." She smiles and says, "More." Then I couldn't resist. (pause) Yes dear, about twenty pounds more!"

It might be a long cold winter!

Yes, I do believe you are in trouble. :eek:

lazlo
08-29-2011, 11:50 AM
I spank girls if they let themselves get a little to heavy

Too... much.... information...

John Stevenson
08-29-2011, 11:57 AM
This morning my wife asks me, "Do you still love me?"

I reply, "Yes, you are everything I ever wanted in a woman plus more." She smiles and says, "More." Then I couldn't resist. (pause) Yes dear, about twenty pounds more!"

It might be a long cold winter!

You could always try that old classic just to check if you are in the dog house.

"I suppose a jump is out the question ? " :D

TGTool
08-29-2011, 12:06 PM
I've got nothing against a large woman.

They're warmth in the winter ...

...and shade in the summer. :D

toolmaker76
08-29-2011, 12:28 PM
Years ago I worked in one of those Japanese/ American factories. My Japanese advisor was a very shy sort of person, and weighed every bit of 88 pounds!

He had an awful crush on one of the good looking female employees who would not give him the time of day. We kept trying to tell him she was way out of his league; there was another woman there who was also single, but a little (actually a lot) on the heavy side. We tried to steer him in her direction, overcoming as best we could the language barrier.

"Big woman- very warm on cold night!" I said.

"I have furnace for cold night!"

Poor little guy struck out on both!

Black Forest
08-29-2011, 12:45 PM
John, even if I hadn't said that to her your approach would not work.

It is OK now. I told her A.K. Boomer told me to say that to her!!!

RPM22
08-29-2011, 02:13 PM
While I can commiserate with Black Forest on the occasional temptation to actually speak the truth to one's spouse, this may help in a future confrontation:
Wife: "Honey, be honest, do I look fat?"
Husband: "Darling, do I look stupid?"
Works every time, and you won't be asked again - heaven :-)

Richard in Los Angeles

Evan
08-29-2011, 02:32 PM
40 years ago my wife learned that if she asks my opinion of how she looks or about what she is wearing I will tell her what I think. Now she only asks when she wants a brutally honest opinion.

The other day:

"How do I look?"

me "It makes you look fat. You know you shouldn't wear horizontal stripes."

"But it's the only thing I have that matches."

me "So wear it then"

She goes and changes...

HWooldridge
08-29-2011, 02:42 PM
When our four sons still lived at home, I would make some comment like that to my wife and one of the boys would be sure to sing out, "Dead man walkin'!"

garagemark
08-29-2011, 02:50 PM
I have the same take as Evan. She asks- I tell. And she does ask. And I do tell. And I still have her after 35 years of wedded bliss (ish).

Mcgyver
08-29-2011, 03:28 PM
...and shade in the summer. :D


:D :D :D too funny

firbikrhd1
08-29-2011, 03:35 PM
Smart women don't ask questions that could get their men in trouble. Women have a choice; do they want their men to be liars or honest? If they choose liars then they should expect their men won't be honest about other things when they give the answer they think their women want to her rather than the honest answer. Bottom line, women, save those questions for your girlfriends; you don't sleep with them, they can afford to be honest because you won't hold it against them.
As to a woman's weight: I like mine toned not flabby. If they look like they swallowed another person they need to practice a little diet restraint.

shipto
08-29-2011, 03:53 PM
I made a similar under-estimation of my wifes sense of humour. Going out the door the other day I remembered i hadnt kissed the wife so went back.
"oh I'm a bloody afterthought now am I" so me trying to be clever quoted Richard sharpe from the Bernard Cornwell books and said "I try not to but your easy to overlook" didnt go down quite as well as it should have done :)

Black_Moons
08-29-2011, 03:56 PM
My 100lb, ex-gf used to ask if she looked fat.
I would simpley reply "Sex is the best excercise you know"...

It did'nt get me laid, But it did stop her from asking if she looked fat so often.

Oldbrock
08-29-2011, 04:01 PM
My buddy's wife was skinny and he said she should put on a little weight, he said it was like hugging a sack of garden tools. Peter

oil mac
08-29-2011, 04:46 PM
Blackforest, Make someone else take the blame for your statement,
Women are gullible, Just say---

The Devil Made Me Say It !:D

Bob D.
08-29-2011, 06:00 PM
When we are out with people who don't know very much about us, often a common topic in conversation is " How long are you married"

My standard answer is " 18 years of wedded bliss...... but we've been married for 29."

Usually good for a slap on the arm.

Whenever she hears that one of her friends is getting divorced, she tearfully asks me : "will we ever get divorced?" I usually reply " Don't be ridiculous, Of course not" and she smiles until I say : " don't forget, I have a chipper/shredder".

good for a quiet evening, to say the least....:)

loose nut
08-29-2011, 08:23 PM
Did you get the number for a good divorce lawyer. Get preemptive before you loose the shop.

mike4
08-29-2011, 08:49 PM
Its better to tell it like it is , then they will give up asking.

Michael

Bob D.
08-29-2011, 09:01 PM
Did you get the number for a good divorce lawyer. Get preemptive before you loose the shop.

My real intentions didn't fare well in my post. We are inseparable,

We've known each other since 1973. Scary how often we can complete each other's sentences. Seriously. I wouldn't last a month without her. There's no way we would split up. way too much history. I just like to make jokes, She may not enjoy some of them, but she tolerates me pretty well.

2 examples:

While on vacation, in a crowded hotel elevator, I asked her " so what time will your husband be back?"

She was in another room, I thought she was making up a shopping list and when she called in to me " do you need anything from the store?" I replied loudly " I'm out of condoms at work". I didn't know she was on the phone with here mother at the time....:eek:

MaxxLagg
08-29-2011, 09:17 PM
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
At him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "SH!T."

flutedchamber
08-29-2011, 09:22 PM
I've got nothing against a large woman.

They're warmth in the winter ...

...and shade in the summer. :D


You forgot the third line...

..and protection year 'round.

Paul Alciatore
08-29-2011, 09:38 PM
I have a quandry. Either I can show this to my wife to demonstrate that I am not the only husband that makes such idiot remarks or hide it to not trigger any memories of my last such utterance.

In any case BF, rest assured that you are not the only one. You have much company. Good luck and two words of advise, "grovel" and "presents".

J. Randall
08-29-2011, 09:38 PM
I've got nothing against a large woman.

They're warmth in the winter ...

...and shade in the summer. :D

and someone to walk ahead of you on thin ice.

TDmaker01
09-01-2011, 12:33 AM
Whenever the little lady is tearin' a strip off me (which seems to be often) for lord know what, I look her right in the eyes and say in a firm affirmative voice.:mad:

God you turn me on when you yell at me. :cool: Works every time for me, try it

Arcane
09-01-2011, 01:10 AM
Ask a girl if she is pregnant or just fat...see what that gets you...:D (and yes, I did it, but just once!)

polepenhollow
09-01-2011, 02:28 AM
It's not only a question of what not to say, but of what not to do also.
In a moment of quiet humility and revelation, my wife told me that she had sat down on the toilet and the seat had broken.
I started laughing and tried to stifle it. I only laughed harder and more uncontrollably.
She said a few more things (not very nice) and I only laughed harder.
I was laughing so hard I COULDN'T BREATHE.
Do you know how pi$$ed she was. ??
You know what,
It's still funny.

K Liv

Bob D.
09-01-2011, 03:55 AM
Ask a girl if she is pregnant or just fat...see what that gets you...:D (and yes, I did it, but just once!)

My wife put on a few pounds around the waist and she met with a female cousin she hadn't seen for a few years who said "Congrats! When the baby due??

At least I didn't start that turd storm. I make enough trouble on my own...

Black Forest
09-01-2011, 05:17 AM
So in the interest of seeing just how much I could piss off my wife....

I don't know how we got on the subject exactly but she made the comment that she was glad that now that I was getting older I am losing some of my interest in sex. I told her....(drum roll) "Only with you!"

Exit stage right!

Mcgyver
09-01-2011, 10:55 AM
So in the interest of seeing just how much I could piss off my wife....
!

If we add a competitive element this could become like fight club :D



she was glad that now that I was getting older I am losing some of my interest in sex.


I think that makes open season on the insult, wtf, was it that bad? :eek:

flutedchamber
09-01-2011, 11:00 AM
Soon after we were married my wife tried on a pair of pants and asked me if they made her ass look too fat.

I asked too fat for what?

We both laughed until we had tears in our eyes.

alanganes
09-01-2011, 11:20 AM
Then there is the other standard reply:

"Do these pants make my butt look big?"

"Well, no bigger than it actually is..."

Ian B
09-01-2011, 11:36 AM
Wife married to husband for 30 years undresses in the bedroom, looks in the mirror. She says to her husband, "My tits have sagged, my belly's all wrinkled. Say something complimentary to cheer me up."

He replied, "Your eyesight's still pretty damn good."

John Stevenson
09-01-2011, 11:39 AM
There is nothing I wouldn't do for Ower Gert.

There is nothing Ower Gert wouldn't do for me.

And that's how we get thru life, doing fück all for each other :D

lynnl
09-01-2011, 12:03 PM
These are all funny. But I especially like Bob D.'s line:

"While on vacation, in a crowded hotel elevator, I asked her " so what time will your husband be back?"

I'm gonna try to remember that one. Maybe precede the line with a conspicuous pinch on the rear, or some such suggestive gesture. :D

TGTool
09-01-2011, 12:41 PM
Ask a girl if she is pregnant or just fat...see what that gets you...:D (and yes, I did it, but just once!)

Which also opens the opportunity for "backhanded compliments" such as:

You sure don't sweat much for a fat girl!

rkepler
09-01-2011, 05:29 PM
I used to introduce my wife as my "first wife". Good for puzzled looks. She finally started introducing me as her "latest husband". More/better puzzled looks.

bobw53
09-01-2011, 06:51 PM
Had a girlfriend that always wanted to call me DEAR. DEER is what you shoot and put in a stew, its what my grandmother calls me.

So just for fun, I started calling her 4 legged antlered animals everytime she called me a Deer... Elk, Antelope.... Never gave it a thought, didn't see the storm coming, didn't make the connection, and I called her MOOSE.

My old lady now, her little game is she talks me into a corner and gets me to say something stupid or incriminating. Then she laughs her ass off about how dumb men are.

The other day I needed to get rid of some weeds at the house, and my hoe is at the shop. So we're sitting there and I said, not thinking AGAIN. "I need to run into town tomorrow and get another Hoe, that way I can have a Hoe at the shop, and a Hoe at home".

Should have seen the look on her face.

Ron of Va
09-01-2011, 08:47 PM
I like to tell this joke to a bunch of feminists who look at me with distain after the first statement. Then laugh their asses off at the punch line.

“I have been married for forty years, and (with a pointed finger) MY WIFE GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES TO ME!”
Pause,
……and she says, “You better come out from underneath that bed!”

jkilroy
09-01-2011, 09:04 PM
Wife: "Do these pants make my butt look big?"

Me: "Does this shirt make me look stupid?"

Weston Bye
09-01-2011, 09:38 PM
Me: "Does this shirt make me look stupid?"

Careful, she might reply: "Oh, you don't need the shirt for that."

Bob D.
09-02-2011, 01:31 AM
I used to introduce my wife as my "first wife". Good for puzzled looks. She finally started introducing me as her "latest husband". More/better puzzled looks.

Back maybe 15-20 tears ago. women's gold necklaces that spelled out "#1 WIFE " were quite popular, and naturally my spouse wanted one. I replied, "you're the only one I have , there's no need to keep track of my wives by number, when I get another 2 or 3, I 'll get you tags to rank you. Until then you don't need a dog tag, do you? "

Never bought her that article of jewelery ( lots of other stuff, of course,,,):)
-----------------------------------
I meant years, not tears- helloooo Dr Freud,,,,

Bill736
09-02-2011, 02:24 AM
When I find I'm in a no-win situation , my standard bailout statement for my lady friend is " Darling, you look wonderful " .

mich_88_13
09-04-2011, 05:27 AM
Funny stuff... Glad I ain't got that problem!!!

G1K
09-05-2011, 11:54 AM
Wife: "Do these pants make my butt look big?"

Me: "Does this shirt make me look stupid?"


When asked that question I always answer "no"

If feeling a little cheeky, "No, it's not the pants"

R

danlb
09-05-2011, 12:38 PM
I learned a lot from my first wife.

1) never complement a bad meal unless you want to eat it again.
1a) ALWAYS complement a meal that you enjoy so that she will prepare it again.

2) If you give a false opinion, she will forever use that as a measure of what you really like.

3) Was not till my third wife that i figured out the best answer to "does this make me look fat" kind of questions....

"How would I know? I'm too blinded by love to tell."

Dan

Alistair Hosie
09-05-2011, 03:17 PM
Wow your no skinny malinky yourself bud, better watch out otherwise she could retaliate in kind .We! Us all ! well none of us are perfect.Alistair