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rws
12-15-2011, 08:12 AM
DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'YOW!! Shee----ooot!' This is usually accompanied by “the dance.”



SKIL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Can also be used to create an excuse to go to the urgent care clinic for stitches on fingers or thumbs.



SON-OF-A-BENCH TOOL:

(A personal favorite!) After you injure yourself, any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BENCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

MichaelP
12-15-2011, 08:43 AM
Based on the title of the thread, I thought somebody was going to discuss Viagra. :)

gizmo2
12-15-2011, 09:10 AM
Viagra: for the abuse of the last tool in your tool collection when all the other tools are recovering from abuse from your time in the shop.

mtraven
12-15-2011, 02:27 PM
hahaha....I've had a cold, rough morning outside today, came in for lunch & read this....and was cracking up...hard...great stuff!

Scottike
12-15-2011, 03:02 PM
Nail Gun:
A device used to insert multiple nails into lumber in less than a second, none of which are located in the correct place.
Occasionally used to fasten fingers, clothing and shoes to lumber.
edit: See Son of a Bench tool above.

oil mac
12-15-2011, 05:11 PM
Add in the Hilti gun to your list, In the wrong hands, as lethal as a British army .303 rifle!

Where i once worked "The Brain of Britain" AKA shop labourer,
For a task he was asked to carry out, like hanging a glass framed factories act or something similar up on a brick wall, in his infinite wisdom!, instead of using a simple masonry drill, to drill a hole, & tap in a rawlplug, Went down the route, of firing a Hilti nail into the brickwork

Bang straight through it went, missed a girls head, by about 1/16" she was in the next room having her teabreak

Bill736
12-15-2011, 10:12 PM
RWS- Very clever descriptions ! This thread should continue . A couple of my own humble contributions are as shown;

Cutting oil- a dark liquid substance designed to obscure the location of the center punch or scribe line you just carefully made.

Safety Full Face Shield- A large plastic shield designed to quickly accumulate enough condensation so that you cannot see to do the job, thereby contributing to your safety.

Shop Clock- A time keeping device carefully designed to run 12 minutes slower than your house clocks.

Mechanics Gloves- Gloves designed to be too thick to actually use for precision work, but too thin to protect your knuckles from that razor sharp frame rail under your riding mower.

Equipment Tarps- covers designed to give you peace of mind , even though your piles of stuff are still getting soaked from either leaks or condensation .

Sump Pumps and Well Pumps- Electric Pumps so carefully designed that they only fail on Saturday nights, Sundays, and major holidays.

rws
12-17-2011, 07:26 AM
I can't take credit for them, got it in an email. But I thought the folks here could certainly relate to a bunch of them.

dwentz
12-17-2011, 09:42 AM
Here is a list I made a while back that is along the same lines!

http://www.wentztech.com/metalworking/reference/know-your-tools/

Dale

Bill736
12-17-2011, 08:01 PM
dwentz- Those are funny ! Well done.