View Full Version : I heard a new one today

02-17-2012, 10:10 PM
Today we had to air hammer some concrete with a lot of rebar in it.

The bits were constantly wedging under the rebar.

My helper gets frustrated,throws the hammer down and yells
"This is worse than skinning a bowling ball with a potato peeler"

I laughed so much we had to take a break.:D

02-18-2012, 04:08 AM
When I was in my early 20's I got a jackhammer wedged behind a rebar with my back against a wall. The rebar turned the hammer and pushed the handles into my abdomen pinning my fingers around the trigger with the trigger full on and just kept driving it in getting tighter and tighter into my gut until my workmate spotted it and shut the air off.

I never got caught out like that again.

02-18-2012, 08:13 AM
A freind of mine with a welding/fab/repair shop has a saying i've heard a few times when he gets a job in that is horribly worn:

Damned thing was worn thinner than a mosquitoes bag!!:D

02-18-2012, 08:30 AM
Two that I've always loved are from the old cartoon strip "Pogo"

"If brains were shoes I'd be barefoot all the way to my knees"

"If stupidity were music he'd be a brass band"

And then there's one from an old record album, I can't recall the title.

"That's slicker 'n deer guts on a door knob".

Lets hear some more guys!


02-18-2012, 09:29 AM
"If brains were dynamite he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose"

02-18-2012, 09:48 AM
"If BS was airplanes this place would be Logan Airport".

Use your own local high-volume mode and transportation center.

02-18-2012, 09:51 AM
One that used to go around was "Slicker than snot on a glass doorknob."

I had a friend with a certain genius for turns of phrase. I've heard him singing snatches of songs like "In the morning when we writhe". He'd explain something he wanted me to do for him and often had a notion of how to do it. He'd preface his dissertation on HOW by saying, "I'm not trying to tell you how to f**k your goat, but ..." and off he'd go.

Shuswap Pat
02-18-2012, 10:29 AM
Slicker than snot on a Roosters beak!;)

Lew Hartswick
02-18-2012, 10:33 AM
< "Slicker than snot on a glass doorknob." >

That was the one I grew up hearing from dad etc.

02-18-2012, 10:35 AM
"Darker than a stack of black cats."

02-18-2012, 10:50 AM
Shakes worse than a dog s**tting razorblades.

02-18-2012, 10:53 AM
I've been saying "Subtle as a hand grenade in a vat of oatmeal" my whole life.

Saw this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LCsiWL6gn0) a couple months ago and realized how much of my childhood comes from him.

02-18-2012, 11:01 AM
If B.S. was music, that guy would be a brass band.


02-18-2012, 11:06 AM
Raining like a cow pi$$ing on a flat rock.

02-18-2012, 11:06 AM
It's hotter than a wh_rehouse on dollar day.

Along the same lines:

Sweating like a wh_re in church with a bunch of paying customers waiting outside.

Weston Bye
02-18-2012, 11:16 AM
We're off like a herd of turtles.

02-18-2012, 12:07 PM
Handles like a six legged cat on shag carpet.

02-18-2012, 12:22 PM
"If you stuffed his brain up a gnat's ass, it'd rattle around like a BB in a boxcar." Or
"If you rolled his brain down the edge of a razor blade, it'd look like a pea rolling down the middle of a four lane highway."

Black Forest
02-18-2012, 12:27 PM
I'm fücking this dog. You just hold it!

Said to me when I was a kid and offered some advice to the older teenager I was working with on how to do something fixing a fence.

02-18-2012, 12:28 PM
I've used 'slicker than snail snot' as the ultimate in slippery since I was a kid.

02-18-2012, 12:34 PM
for lack of power; That thing wouldn't turn over the dynamo in a lightning bug's ass.

02-18-2012, 01:20 PM
That man's so crooked he has to sleep in a round house.
If I came down to your level, I'd have to hiss.
He's so low he could s--- off a snake.
He didn't carve a career, he chiseled it.

02-18-2012, 02:03 PM
"Hotter than a Mexican's lunch." :D
"That boy's about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice." - Foghorn Leghorn

02-18-2012, 02:14 PM
If it's got wheels or tits, it's gonna be trouble.


Mister ED
02-18-2012, 02:22 PM
The two I remember growing up (odd both are temp related):
'Colder than a welldigger's ass in Montana'
'Colder than a whitches titty in a brass bra'

I think the latter was used for colder temps than the former. And that was before Modanna actuallly wore the brass bra thing, back in the '80s.

oil mac
02-18-2012, 02:27 PM
As useless as an ashtray on a motorcycle

As useless as a chocolate firescreen

He would put tits on a bull

02-18-2012, 02:37 PM
"Handy as a pocket in a shirt."
"Cold enough to freeze the nuts off a John Deere plow."
"Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs."

02-18-2012, 02:42 PM
His brains are as scarce as the grace of god in a whore house.

02-18-2012, 02:46 PM
I worked on a ranch east of Williams Lake (B.C.) in the mid 60s. Guy I worked for was an American and he had been a road and rail construction superintendent for the McLeod River Logging Co. in northern California before he bought the ranch and moved up north. He was a tough old bird but we got along just fine.

Three things I remember about him were his Bull Durham Navy Cut tobacco, strong black coffee and this phrase...

"Tighter than a bull's ass in fly time."

02-18-2012, 02:48 PM
He's as sharp as a bowling ball.
He reminds me of a light bulb, bright but no brains.
I'm as busy as a cat with two asses on a tin roof.
Lucky as a two peckered billy goat.
These are a few that I've heard over the years.

02-18-2012, 02:52 PM
Sorry about the language in this one, but I did hear it used to good effect against someone who had far too much to say for himself.

He was told that he'd got "more mouth than a cow's got c**t".

Quite descriptive, I thought.


02-18-2012, 02:53 PM
He's as sharp as a soccer ball and three times as vacant.

Weston Bye
02-18-2012, 02:56 PM
He had all the charm of the business end of a plunger.

02-18-2012, 03:41 PM
I feel like the fifth leg on a dog.

02-18-2012, 04:16 PM
hotter than a milkmaid's armpit

daryl bane
02-18-2012, 05:16 PM
My favorite, "that wouldn't pull a greasy string out of a cats ass."
And.."if it flies, floats or f****, rent it. "

02-18-2012, 05:39 PM
i watched dodgeball the other week, the comment as much use as a dick flavoured lollypop crackd me up

Doc Nickel
02-18-2012, 05:50 PM
When referring to vehicles that don't have much power, for cars it's usually "Can't get out of it's own way", and for trucks it's usually "couldn't pull a fat girl off a tricycle". Or, alternatively, "Couldn't pull the skin off a tapioca".

For people, the epithet is "Doesn't have the brains god gave a crowbar".

Or, for the BIG stupid types, "He's big enough to eat hay and s**t in the street". Or "He's big as an ox and damn near as smart".


02-18-2012, 06:22 PM
"she's got a set of lungs that could air start a harley"

"finer than frog hair"

02-18-2012, 06:51 PM
"Like trying to put a condom on with a tire iron"

02-18-2012, 07:21 PM
"About as usefull as tits on a boar pig," was one of my foremans favourite expressions when it came to describing a new worker,

02-18-2012, 07:22 PM
"Hotter than two rats f*cking in a wool sock"

"Colder than a stainless steel toilet on the shady side of an iceburg"

Jon Leary
02-18-2012, 07:38 PM
Those tires are so thin you can see the air in "em. If brains were gasoline he wouldn't have enough to prime the carburator on a piss ant's motorcycle.

02-18-2012, 08:08 PM
"got the personality of a blood clot"

02-18-2012, 08:15 PM
You're fuc*ing this cat. I'm just holding the tail.

02-18-2012, 08:20 PM
"His elevator doesn't go right to the top!"

02-18-2012, 08:27 PM
Sharp as a meatball.


02-18-2012, 08:38 PM
When referring to a particularly tough material -

"Harder than woodpecker lips"

02-18-2012, 08:42 PM
"Hornier than a twin peckered owl!!"

02-18-2012, 09:00 PM
On a more cheerful note:

"Busier than a puppydog with two tails"

02-18-2012, 09:15 PM
One I use quite often is " I'm madder than a bare footed centipede standin' on a hot rock!":D


02-18-2012, 11:06 PM
"Darker than a stack of black cats."

Darker'n the inside of cow.

Busy as a one-legged man at an a$$-kicking contest.

Finer'n a frog hair split eight ways.

02-19-2012, 03:37 AM
"He couldn't pour piss out of a boot, even with instructions printed on the heel."

"Grinning like a jackass eating cactus."

"He came out of the shallow end of the gene pool."

"As busy as the one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest."

02-19-2012, 04:08 AM
Dumber than a sack of hammer handles.

So brainless the light's brighter comin out one ear than goin in the other.

02-19-2012, 04:20 AM
Fits like a stocking on a chicken's lip.


02-20-2012, 08:38 AM
"This is worse than skinning a bowling ball with a potato peeler"

That's sounds about as tough as trying to f*ck a greasy beach ball. But I wouldn't know because... I've never tried to skin a bowling ball.

02-20-2012, 08:51 AM
#1.."The road to hell is paved with good intentions"

#2..if a parakeet had his/her brains, it would hang upside down & fly backwards

#3..He/she has the cranial capacity of a canary

#4..He/she has the mental agility of a small sponge

#5.. one must use caution when conversing with a fool, that he is not likewise engaged

:D :D :D

02-20-2012, 10:11 AM
"Looks like I just picked a whole handful of oopsie-daisies."

02-20-2012, 12:17 PM
who's screwin this cat! you or me? used when receiving unnescesary instruction
worthless as tits on a boar hog.

02-20-2012, 12:26 PM
If only i could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth....

02-20-2012, 12:29 PM
Dumber then a box of rocks.
Slick as gorilla snot
Stupid enough to be twins
Horny as an acre of three peckered billy goats

02-20-2012, 02:07 PM
"If I owned him I would trade him off for stale bottle of pi$$, pour out the pi$$, break the bottle, and call it a good deal."

"Busier than a three legged cat covering up $hit."

02-20-2012, 03:07 PM
he would have to be bigger to be any dumber he's full right now.

02-20-2012, 03:50 PM
Dumber than dead dog sh_t.


02-20-2012, 04:52 PM
Shakes worse than a dog s**tting razorblades.

I heard that as "Shaking like a dog passing a peach pit"

02-20-2012, 05:06 PM
I would challenge him to a battle of witts, but I won't fight an un-armed man.


02-20-2012, 05:13 PM
Layer to dirty old man accused of rape..."About all they can charge you with is assault with a dead weapon."


02-20-2012, 05:35 PM
"He has hit rock bottom, and continued to dig"

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

After listening to a badly told joke:
Well, There's five minutes of my life I'll never get back.

02-20-2012, 10:30 PM
< "Slicker than snot on a glass doorknob." >

That was the one I grew up hearing from dad etc.

We couldn't afford glass doorknobs :(

02-20-2012, 11:44 PM
They call him Lump Lump because one lump of clay isn't dumb enough.

02-21-2012, 12:19 AM
That machine has more handles than a fat lady's coffin.

02-21-2012, 01:39 AM
On a generously proportioned potential date "She's big enough to burn diesel and have air brakes..."

"If brains were gasoline, he couldn't run a flea's minibike around the inside of a Cheerio"

"He's so slow, a five minute conversation with him takes half an hour"

02-21-2012, 11:59 AM
"His IQ score and shoe size are the same number!"

"They have to take off their shoes to count to any number greater than 10."

"If his IQ was one point higher, he'd be a rock."

"He's two cards sort of a full deck."

02-21-2012, 12:58 PM
Sharp as a bag of hair

Slicker'n greased hog sh*t

02-21-2012, 02:27 PM
A lack of intellengence/common sense:
"Lights on - no one home"
"Sharp as a brick"
"One bottle shy of a sixpack"
On dating prospects:
"The gene pool in this town needs too much chlorine"

02-21-2012, 02:47 PM
Lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rut.

02-21-2012, 03:24 PM
sheeit! `atz finer `n frog hair!

George Bulliss
02-21-2012, 03:31 PM
Heard a carpenter use this one when asked what he had been up to all day. The boss wasn’t amused. "Been screwing the pooch all day and hope to sell the pups.” (changed the verb of course)

02-21-2012, 04:14 PM
While trucking to L.A. one time I stopped in to get a bite to eat at this roadside burger joint(heard tell the burgers were really great) the gal behind the counter says " Gads man, you look hungry'er that a six pack of gerbils in heat" what can I get ya? Dont know why, but I just started laughing and had a hell of a time getting my order put together!

Black Forest
02-21-2012, 04:20 PM
I heard someone say, "You look more nervous than a chicken in Ethiopia!"

02-21-2012, 04:54 PM
Referring to an older gentleman: "He's about as old as white dog sh__."
Referring to someones morality: "He's about as low as whale sh__."

02-21-2012, 05:08 PM
(A car I had) "Handles like a greased pig on an ice rink"
"Twice the brains and he'd be dangerous..."
"Darker than a black cat in a coal hole"
"Cooler than a cool thing kept in the freezer in a marinade of creme de menthe and cocaine" - I guess that must be pretty cool :)
"Tighter than a camel's arse in a sandstorm"

Dave H. (the other one)

02-21-2012, 06:48 PM
"About as nervous as a hen at a coyote convention."
"She is so skinny she could take a shower in a shotgun barrel."
"She is a pirates dream: sunken chest."
"He is lower than whale s**t on the bottom of the ocean."
When watching two guys work on something unsuccessfully: "Like watching two monkeys trying to f**k a football."
While looking at a fat woman's ass as she walks away: "Like two pigs wrestling under a blanket"
Same fat woman: "Where does she buy her clothes? Abdul the Tent Maker?"
"More excuses than a jail house lawyer."
"A few cards short of a full deck."

02-21-2012, 06:58 PM
"He's a few bricks shy of a load!"

(Could very well apply to a few women too!!):D

02-21-2012, 07:19 PM
"Shining like a dime in a goat's butt"
"Faster'n a striped-ass ape"

02-22-2012, 11:39 AM
"Smoother than a cashmere codpiece."

02-22-2012, 01:06 PM
For the affirmative smart-ass response:

"Does Howdy Doody have a mahogany ass?"

Frank K
02-22-2012, 01:45 PM
At the firing range: Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.

About the overly endowed: If she ever had to haul a**, she'd need to make two trips.

Black Forest
02-22-2012, 01:53 PM
When ever someone said, "WOW, that is slicker than sh!t!" it made me wonder how they knew or what type of ****. I only have experience with horse, cow and sheep and they are not that slick when stepped on. I never tried to rub it between my fingers as I might if testing some lubricant.

02-22-2012, 02:36 PM
When ever someone said, "WOW, that is slicker than sh!t!" it made me wonder how they knew or what type of ****. I only have experience with horse, cow and sheep and they are not that slick when stepped on. I never tried to rub it between my fingers as I might if testing some lubricant.

I can assure that in a milking parlor that has a smooth concrete floor, fresh hot bovine dung can be slippery especially when mixed with copious amounts of bovine pee.

In my pre-teen years, my buddies and I got into several cow-**** slinging fights. Don't ask, it's not something I really want to remember. :rolleyes:

"Love Tractor" - Referring to a very large woman on the prowl.

Black Forest
02-22-2012, 02:42 PM
I am a rancher not a dam farmer. Milking parlor. Now that is funny.

02-22-2012, 02:44 PM
I had a mate who often used to be "sick as a parrot" but if he was really peed off, he would be "Sick as a Skegness donkey paddling up and down Blackpool beach with a big fat mama on me back up to me KN****rs in sand!"
Phil UK

02-22-2012, 03:49 PM
Overheard one frazzled housewife to another: "Kids. Should have ate them while their bones were still soft!"

02-22-2012, 04:40 PM
He'd lose a game of Jeopardy to a corn flake.

Half the people in the world are a**holes - and 99 percent of those live within five miles of you.

He'd steal a hot stove without gloves - and come back later for the smoke.

I'm sure I can come up with a few more.


02-22-2012, 05:18 PM
For the affirmative smart-ass response:

"Does Howdy Doody have a mahogany ass?"

Or: "Does a big bear sh**t in the woods?"

Slicker than owl sh**t. (don't ask me how I know.)

02-22-2012, 06:41 PM
Best one a mate came out with when describing a girl

" I wouldn't say she was ugly but she had a face like an angry bulldog licking pi$$ off a nettle "

02-22-2012, 08:07 PM
Buddy's wife was thin as a rail, he said it was like making love to a sack of garden tools.

02-22-2012, 11:49 PM
Shakes worse than a dog s**tting razorblades.

I must be a horrible person 'cause that made me crack up laughing ... which is hard to do at midnight the night before a quantum mechanics exam!

Here's one I picked up at the book store... it's a title of a little book full of funny sayings:

"Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!"

Pete F
02-23-2012, 01:45 AM
midnight the night before a quantum mechanics exam!

Oh, lordy, lordy. Good luck to you tomorrow!

(and I do mean that - I have recently begun appreciating my physics education, now that I have an opportunity to apply it outside school)


BMW Rider
02-23-2012, 10:58 AM
Have to give credit to my dad for these gems.

Regarding difficulty of a task: "Its like pickin fly s**t outta sugar with boxing gloves on.".

Measurment of accuracy: "Flatter than piss on a plate." (also also used to refer to the condition of roadkill).

02-23-2012, 01:39 PM
exclaimed at the funeral of a dishonest dude

'look, he's been so crooked their gonna have to screw him into the ground"

Weston Bye
02-23-2012, 01:48 PM
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice card to say that I approved. - Mark Twain