View Full Version : OT losing my dad

02-23-2015, 12:39 AM
Got a call today that my dad is in the hospital and now is not expected to make the night. It's not a shock or a tragedy- he's 89 and has been close to death a few times. At this point I'm sure he's excited to be seeing mom again- she's been gone for about 60 years now. I'm almost excited for him, though sad to see him go. We've talked about all this, but it's still jarring to be at this point- many of you have been there and know what it's like. I'm not looking for sympathy, just appreciating the connections I have with others such as the members here.

My sisters are going to need support. My myriad projects can wait. I'll have to work it out with my day job- the usual things.

02-23-2015, 12:43 AM
I'm sorry to hear that Darryl. I'm sure he's had a full life and he's obviously done well by you, so I'm sure he has plenty to be proud of. It's not what you take with you, it's what you leave behind.

02-23-2015, 12:56 AM
Sorry to here about your Dad. I am one of those you mentioned, so know what you are going through and facing.
In my case my mom passed a few years after my dad. I then realized I was the senior member of out family and that is a bit of a shock in itself.
I lost an old friend about a week ago whom I will also miss. I used to have lunch with him quit often.
He spent his life as a machinist so I have learned a lot from him and will think of him often while working in my shop.

Mike Burdick
02-23-2015, 12:56 AM
My Father died in 2012 - he was 96. I don't think one ever gets over losing someone - they just learn to live with it.

02-23-2015, 12:57 AM
I'm sorry Darryl. Losing parents is tough. But let's hope they will be together again.

02-23-2015, 01:08 AM
My father died (in his sleep) on Veteran's Day 1983, at the age of only 63. He had heart disease but his passing came suddenly and unexpectedly. My mother also died in her sleep in January of 1996, at the age of 74. She also had heart problems, aggravated by smoking, but again it happened without warning. It may be easier on us to have it happen at the end of a long illness, with time to reminisce and say goodbye, but it's harder on the loved one to suffer. In any case, it's never easy, and I wish you strength during this difficult time.

02-23-2015, 01:09 AM
Sorry to hear that Darryl. My wife and I have both lost our parents--we're now the elders of the family. Losing a parent is not an easy thing to do but it's part of the cycle of life. Cherish your memories.

And hey, if you ever get down this way let me know you're coming and I'll buy you a coffee...

02-23-2015, 01:19 AM
Yes I hope they will be together again.

I've lost friends and family members, and I suppose you don't really get over it. I tend to remember them for whatever reasons I was fond of them, and I try to forget any reasons why I may have been less than happy with them. I like a wake where you celebrate a persons life rather than mourn their death, and I hope my siblings will take this tack.

Dad has had a full life- ironically just a few weeks ago he was thinking about getting married again- some chick he met at his extended care home. She was just a young thing, 80 something:)

Thanks for the support, everyone. And Keith, I know you're just an hour down the road from me- one day I'll take you up on that coffee.

02-23-2015, 02:44 AM
Losing someone close like that is not easy. Try to think of the good times. Know that he will finally be at rest.

Sounds like it has been a relatively quick decline. Far better than watching them waste away over a decade or so. RIP Dad.

02-23-2015, 02:50 AM
Hi Darryl; my heart goes out to you and family. My mother, 93, has already made her peace with all. Including funeral and cremation. My MIL has not. She is dithering about everything so we are here in Victoria trying to sort things out. She has turned alien, especially when it come time to help with the bills. I can understand because she has had so many years of independence but boy is it hard to get her to move on stuff that we have to do when we sell the house. Good luck with you guys, wayne.

02-23-2015, 03:55 AM
I'm so sorry to read of your dad, you sounded close, always harder to deal with, I found my dad dead in the bathroom when I was 16, I dont think you ever get over it, the only consolation is the fact we are all closer to leaving than arriving as it were, I don't like the idea of my family mourning me, that disturbs me the most, I wish I could say they won't, but I can't, I don't think any parent wants to inflict sadness on their kids, after all we are all guaranteed to be going.
I hope you come through it ok, sorry

02-23-2015, 08:39 AM
I have also been through this, July 17 of 2013.

As others have said, it's painful but the way things are supposed to work. You never want to outlive your children.

02-23-2015, 09:16 AM
I'm sorry to hear about your dad, Darryl. It must be very difficult for you to lose him. My dad is 86 and while thankfully he's still healthy, I know none of us gets out of here alive and that all of our clocks are ticking. Sooner or later I'll be facing what you are now facing so I can emphasize what you have been going through up to this point. God bless you and your dad and I pray He give you strength and comfort in the coming difficult days.

brian Rupnow
02-23-2015, 09:54 AM
Darryl---Sorry to hear this. I hope your dad goes to a better place. It is always hard to lose a loved parent.---Brian

02-23-2015, 10:06 AM
I then realized I was the senior member of out family and that is a bit of a shock in itself.

I well remember the same feeling. Wait, what, I can't be the oldest member of my direct family, somebody must be miscalculating something, I was still a kid a few years, er, well, a few decades, ago?

02-23-2015, 10:09 AM
My heart is with you Darryl.

It sounds like you have a handle on it, but it can still be a difficult transition.


02-23-2015, 10:29 AM
Sorry to hear of this Darryl. It's been almost eight years since my father passed away and yet I can still see him sitting across the table from me now. We had a lot of good times together and a few not so good ones, but even those brought us closer together.
I was with him when he passed away and I'm glad that I was fortunate enough to be with him at that time as he was always there in my time of need.
Sounds like you and your dad have had a close relationship as well, treasure those moments. As always it's harder for those left behind then those leaving. Like your dad mine too was looking forward to seeing mom again, so at least he had something to look forward to.
Not as easy for us, but we still have a lifetime of fond memories to share.

A.K. Boomer
02-23-2015, 11:58 AM
heavy duty post...

All's you can do is thank him for his guidance tell him you love him and give him a Hug,

it's healthy for you to feel a little excited for him in his journey - might even be a little healthy if he picks up on some as I would rather leave seeing people with that in their eyes more than anything, Take care Darryl...

02-23-2015, 12:20 PM
Very sorry to read this. Remember the good times with him & he'll never really be gone, still in your heart & thoughts & just waiting in a better place.

02-23-2015, 12:59 PM
Thanks for sharing Darryl. 89 is a very good goal to achieve. All the best to you and your family... JR

02-23-2015, 01:42 PM
You're lucky. My dad died two months after my eighth birthday.

02-23-2015, 03:30 PM
My thoughts are with you and your family

02-23-2015, 03:42 PM
I also have lost both of my parents, you never get over it you just learn to cope.

Weston Bye
02-23-2015, 04:17 PM
Thirty years ago my dad passed away, me doing CPR to the end.

Two months ago, my mother fell ill. I drove her to the hospital where she lingered until my brother and sisters arrived. It fell to me to make the decision to "pull the plug", in accordance with her living will.

02-23-2015, 04:23 PM
My condolences to you and you family Darryl.
I lost my Dad in 2002, we were not all that close but I felt the loss. My sister died last summer at 52 and it has effected me much more profoundly than my Dad. The only good this has brought is that I have learned to not take for granted the time I have with family and friends.

02-23-2015, 06:01 PM
I'm also sorry to hear about your dad. Both my parents and my wife's parents are gone. It is always a shock but it does get easier with passage of time. You still miss them though. Good luck and god be with you!

Richard King
02-23-2015, 06:31 PM
You have my heartfelt sympathy too. My Mom and Dad have both passed and it was pretty rough......But my mom also told me she was looking forward to seeing her Ma and Pa again. Her faith in the Almighty helped her and she was prepared. Be sure to say good bye and How you love him and will miss him if you can even if its a whisper in his ear if he is sleeping or in a prayer . God Bless. Rich

02-23-2015, 06:50 PM
Simply put, sorry.
Lost my father almost 20 years ago to lung cancer. I still find myself reaching for the phone to call him and that is the hard part At the end he was happy to leave us as his pain was very bad. Knowing he is no longer in pain is what helps me.
My you have that same great memories I have of my father and not have to remember the pain.

02-23-2015, 07:27 PM
I'm new to this forum, but want to send along my condolences for your loss. My Dad passed away in 2008, about a month after having a stroke at the age of 84. My Mom followed at the age of 78, a couple of years later.

I still miss them both; a lot at times. But recently I went up in my attic, where I'd stored a lot of the gun parts, tools, and stuff that I'd inherited from Dad, and integrated it into my shop. He had a bunch of home-made tool racks, filled with punches, files, and other small hand tools that he kept on his workbench for working with guns. I'm a home gunplumber myself - and now every time I reach for a little punch or other tool, it brings a smile to my face. It's like ol' Dad is standing right beside me, helping to guide the hammer. I still miss him, but the memories now bring smiles more often than tears. I hope it will be the same for you.

02-23-2015, 08:44 PM
I really do know how you feel now, the crunch comes a little later.
I lost my 94 year old mother, then four months later, my wife. It has taken me 3 years to get my life back on track and into the land of the living.
It isn't condolences that are required, but friends and family to stick with you until the grieving is all finished with. I was unlucky, and didn't have that support, and that is why I think it took me much longer.
My prayers are with you.


02-23-2015, 09:00 PM
Very sorry for your loss. My mom passed about 4 years ago at age 80 in her sleep, having been in the hospital just once her whole life. Lucky women. Dad is the energizer bunny, despite a broken back, stroke, pace maker, heart valve, two broken hips, and a hip replacement! He's 86 now and in an assisted living facility. We go out for breakfast every weekend, but I am just waiting for that call that says he is gone. We are very close so it will be tough. I hope your dad had a good life, and left you with good memories.

Gary H. Lucas

02-23-2015, 10:33 PM
Sorry to hear. Like many others here, I've been through this. Even when you see this coming it does not get a lot easier to swallow. Hang in there.

All the best to you and your family.

oil mac
02-24-2015, 02:46 PM
PLease accept my condolences on your loss, No matter when passing over of a loved one comes along it is a horrible cold time Try to remember all the happy times you both had together, You both seemed to be very close It is now 40 years since my Dad passed away , My Mother thirty years even after all those years I still have a sadness , that Dad especially is no longer around with his wisdom, You & yours will be in my prayers

A.K. Boomer
02-24-2015, 07:44 PM
You're lucky. My dad died two months after my eighth birthday.

Man that puts things in perspective...
no matter what it's always tough but that's heavy duty... :(

02-25-2015, 11:34 PM
Thanks for all the support- I appreciate it greatly. As I first posted this, he was still alive, but fading fast. The decision was made to pull the plug, and he was gone. So he's winging his way to wherever now-

I lost my mom when I was three, and that was tragic. I knew she was gone but it didn't have a large impact on me as I didn't really know her. What I remember is the stuff that went on after that- a lot of not very good- not what any child needs to be witness to that's for sure. Two of us ended up in a foster home, and after awhile Dad had had enough of that. True story- he came to the back door of the place one evening and quietly told us to get our clothes, and out the door we went. It was a joyride for us, ending up at the train station where grandma waited for us. Next thing we know, we're leaving Saskatchewan and heading for BC. He basically stole us from the foster home and drove all around the countryside, timing it to arrive at the train station moments before it departed. We didn't see him for weeks after that, but as it turned out he was in big ka ka and had to fight that, then he and grandpa arrived in BC with the furniture, etc. Our new poor life had begun.

Anyway, not to ramble on- but this was the kind of man my dad was.

We have all dealt with his passing, but I'm sure there will be future impacts to each of us in some ways. We will deal with that too.

Again, thanks for the support. At Dads request, we are not having a funeral, but are having a wake of sorts. Dad hated those somber, crying affairs with the melancholy organ music, etc- we're having a family and friends get-together instead! Thanks Dad-

02-26-2015, 04:29 AM
/QUOTE.........Again, thanks for the support. At Dads request, we are not having a funeral, but are having a wake of sorts. Dad hated those somber, crying affairs with the melancholy organ music, etc- we're having a family and friends get-together instead! Thanks Dad-[/QUOTE]

My Dad was not a fan of funerals or Memorial services either. However, we came a small town with very strong traditions. Knowing this, Dad asked my brother to throw a party after he passed, then the family could check the neighbor's boxes and do a service. The end result was we held a rollicking Irish style wake around a campfire in the yard for the immediate family the night after he passed. Some of us were still hungover during the service 2 days later. Everyone got to say goodbye in their own way.....

02-26-2015, 04:47 AM

You have my deepest sympathies and I am sorry for your pain.

As much as one person can understand what another is experiencing I believe I can say I know some of what you are going through.

I am the Caregiver for my father who is on Hospice at home and as I write this message (1:45 am) he is a few feet away struggling through the night. Earlier, I made the "Call" to family warning the end may imminant. The stress for me is close to unbearable. As far back as I can remember we have been "buddies" and got on greatly. He may pull through, but each down cycle is taking time off his clock.

Again, you have my heart felt sympathies.

02-27-2015, 12:47 AM
Low-alloy and others- the impact to me of my dads passing has been relatively minor compared to what others have gone through or will go through. I feel for you all, now having first hand knowledge of some of what you might go through as well. We're all here for each other.

02-27-2015, 07:22 AM
Sorry to hear of your loss and that of others too, I had it easier. Both my folks are gone now, having lived long lives of relatively good health.
I'm an adult, have been for years, never needing my parents for financial support, but it struck me that I had lost someone having my back, a void that has never filled. I was warned that stuff would crop up, sights, sounds, smells, locations that would bring back memories out of the blue and I have found that to be true.
I have come to the conclusion that missing someone is a sign that they were important to you, and an important part of your life. As much as I can I put missing someone as a positive, not that I wouldn't want them back, but if I didn't miss them exactly what does that say. When I find myself missing them I remind myself that this is a good sign, it helps somewhat for me.