Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a
general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday
and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Alistair thinks, "Yadancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general
knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come on ya radge, a lang
weekend fir me."
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what your
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"
Wee Alistair shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking
round picks Richard at the front. "Yes, Richard?"
Richard (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy-
inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Richard. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will
see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Alistair is even more determined.
Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them
in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"
Wee Alistair's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting " I know. I know.
Me Miss, me Miss "
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is
Winston Churchill, 1940 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Timothy , you may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Alistair is hyper, he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?"
Wee Alistair's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,
jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes
miss, that was Neil Armstrong 1969, The first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back
into class on Tuesday."
Wee Alistair loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at
the wall. He throws his hat on the floor & jumps up and down on it shouting
"Where the f**k did all these English b*st*rds come from?"
Teacher looking round the class, angrily: "Who said that?"
Wee Alistair, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince
Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."