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Thread: OT - Modern Britain?

  1. #1
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    Talking OT - Modern Britain?

    Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'

    Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'

    Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?'

    Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'

    Nelson (reading aloud): '' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability- What gobbledegook is this?'

    Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'

    Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

    Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.'

    Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.'

    Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.'

    Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead.'

    Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.'

    Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.'

    Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'

    Nelson: 'What?'

    Hardy: 'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'

    Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'

    Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.'

    Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

    Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'

    Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.'

    Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

    Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

    Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

    Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

    Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'

    Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny!'

    Hardy: 'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'

    Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'

    Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'

    Nelson: 'We're not?'

    Hardy: 'No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

    Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'

    Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report.'

    Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.'

    Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life'

    Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'

    Nelson: 'What about sodomy?'

    Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.'

    Nelson: 'In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy.'


    Ian

  2. #2
    tattoomike68 Guest

    Default

    LOL thats messed up...


  3. #3
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    Default

    It would be even more funnier it it wasn't true. .................

    .
    .

    Sir John , Earl of Bligeport & Sudspumpwater. MBE [ Motor Bike Engineer ] Nottingham England.




  4. #4
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    Default Men and Ships

    Thanks Ian B - I thoroughly enjoyed that.

    Actually is was said (truly) that "the Navy ran on "Rum, bum and 'baccy" or "Rum, bum and the lash" - probably true.

    It is also said that in Nelsons time there were "iron men on wooden ships" and latterly it became "wooden men on iron ships" and now "plastic men in plastic ships".

    Bit rough that tho'.

    The poem in the OP was pretty close to the truth - OH&S notwithstanding.

    A lot of workshops are not all that much different either.

    There is a legend (true story??) that when Nelson died on "Victory" that he was "preserved" in a barrel of Royal Navy rum (for the rum ration aka "the Tot" - a VERY sacred daily ritual) but sailors being what they were (are?) "broached" the barrel and drank the rum, hence the Rum being known as "Nelson's blood".

    I think it was that "do-gooder" Lady Astor who when elected to Parliament had the rum ration ("Tot") abolished. From what I've seen and heard she was the most hated woman in UK - closely followed by the gutless male politicians who "passed" the legislation.

    I am rather hoping that some other "Navy" people or comments along this line will appear on this thread.

  5. #5
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    Default

    Talking about Nancy Astor, I'm reminded of the infamous quip between her and Winston Churchill late one night in the Houses of Parliament.

    When Lady Astor came across Churchill in a somewhat inebriated condition, she attemped to reproach him by saying;

    "Sir, you are drunk"
    to which Churchill replied;
    "And you Madam, are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning.."

    Peter

  6. #6
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    Default Trafalgar Night Approaches

    Hi to the Forum, my first post, some my know me as ERA from the 'Other Forum'.

    Nelson was preserved in a barrel of Brandy rather than Rum as alluded to by Old Tiffie. I have heard rumours of the tars on board the ship carrying the body trying to tap the barrel.

    On the subject of Plastic Ships, my last sea job was as MEO (finished Jan 06)on a GRP 'Sweeper, which was when the class was built one of the largest GRP ships afloat (60M). Our platitude was that if God had meant ships to built from GRP he'd have made trees from the stuff!

    Traf Night is the 21st Oct which is celebrated by the Wardroom (Officer's Mess), we Senior Rates celebrate 'Pickle Night' which is 4th Nov and commemorates the arrival in Falmouth of HMS Pickle carrying the Trafalgar Despatch with news of the 'glorious victory'.

    The French on the other hand I'm told celebrate not the battle but the Death of Nelson.

    The Tot was abolished in the RN mid 1970, some old salts still mourn it's loss. I believe the RNZN had it until quite recently but that may be folk myth. What was issued to the Junior Ratings wasn't neat rum but Grog which was diluted with water so it wouldn't keep. Senior rates had 'neaters' some of which was kept, pooled and consumed dring 'black masses'

    Al
    Last edited by DickDastardly40; 10-04-2007 at 03:06 AM.

  7. #7
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Peter Neill
    Talking about Nancy Astor, I'm reminded of the infamous quip between her and Winston Churchill late one night in the Houses of Parliament.
    And there is the other reputed exchange between these two:

    Lady Astor: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

    Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
    Allan

  8. #8
    Norman Atkinson Guest

    Default OT- Modern Britain

    Churchill is reputed to have been in a railway carriage- rather worse for wear.
    The lady sitting opposite and Churchill opened up as follows:-

    C Madam, you are ugly, bloody ugly

    L Sir, you are drunk. Bloody drunk

    C Madam, tomorrow, I will be sober

    And you will be still ugly- bloody ugly!

  9. #9
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    Default

    Well this is unfortunate. I was hoping there would be an English speaking country somewhere I could go to when our liberal affirmative action policy gets carried too far Hell, it don't sound any better over there then it is over here!

    Not a student of history but confess I am more and more intrigued by Churchill with each passing story.
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Thank you to our families of soldiers, many of whom have given so much more then the rest of us for the Freedom we enjoy.

    It is true, there is nothing free about freedom, don't be so quick to give it away.

  10. #10
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    Default True

    Quote Originally Posted by DickDastardly40
    Hi to the Forum, my first post, some my know me as ERA from the 'Other Forum'.

    Nelson was preserved in a barrel of Brandy rather than Rum as alluded to by Old Tiffie. I have heard rumours of the tars on board the ship carrying the body trying to tap the barrel.

    On the subject of Plastic Ships, my last sea job was as MEO (finished Jan 06)on a GRP 'Sweeper, which was when the class was built one of the largest GRP ships afloat (60M). Our platitude was that if God had meant ships to built from GRP he'd have made trees from the stuff!

    Traf Night is the 21st Oct which is celebrated by the Wardroom (Officer's Mess), we Senior Rates celebrate 'Pickle Night' which is 4th Nov and commemorates the arrival in Falmouth of HMS Pickle carrying the Trafalgar Despatch with news of the 'glorious victory'.

    The French on the other hand I'm told celebrate not the battle but the Death of Nelson.

    The Tot was abolished in the RN mid 1970, some old salts still mourn it's loss. I believe the RNZN had it until quite recently but that may be folk myth. What was issued to the Junior Ratings wasn't neat rum but Grog which was diluted with water so it wouldn't keep. Senior rates had 'neaters' some of which was kept, pooled and consumed dring 'black masses'

    Al
    Thanks Al.

    Welcome to the Forum.

    In an other era (sorry for the pun) I too was a "Tiffie" (COAW). My guess is that you were "Engine Room" - you'd have to be as MEO.

    I stand corrected re. the "rum" being "brandy" - hope it wasn't French.

    The OZ Navy lost the "tot" a long time ago - in antiquity - bummer.

    I can re-call being invited to senior Sailors Messes on several RN vessels in the Far-East during the 50's and 60's. It was an honour in itself to be so invited - even more so to be offered "sippers" and a huge honour to be offered "Gulpers" of the precious "tot" that the members of the Mess had saved. The ultimate insult to your/our hosts was to take "gulpers" when offered "sippers". One memorable ship was HMS "Belfast" - 6"' or was it 8" Cruiser - with the biggest "rivetted on" bandage that you have ever seen to repair an otherwise broken and lost ship - has it been "done up" and anchored in the Thames?.

    I can vividly recall what I think was an urban myth if not an urban legend concerning an RN Officer "on Loan" to the RAN (OZ). It was about this time of year. He remonstrated with one of "ours" about the importance of "Tradition" and "Trafalgar" and its commemoration and what it meant etc. etc. - as they did. "Our lot" seemed to be not sufficiently awed or impressed. "On-loan" asked "our lot" if he knew what "Trafalgar" meant to which reply was "Like a Sailors "dirty week-end", Sir"". "On loan" was set-aback and made the mistake of asking "Why is that?" to which reponse was "It was another navel engagement with a great loss of semen". You can fill in the rest for yourselves.

    Sorry.

    Sort of confirms many RN-ers view that "those blo**y "Colonials" (Orstrayluns) are an ignorant lot/rabble ..............."

    Which is probably true.

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