OTM Humor Subject: Calling in sick - this is hilarious!

[davidfe]

Subject: Calling in sick - this is hilarious!
Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm
lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I
had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly
because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come
reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the
shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going
and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only
take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my
silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the
sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its
gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating
dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been
poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at
the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost
all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising
at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging
from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight'
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I
know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the
sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than
finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group
of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

[Mad Scientist]

[oil mac]

David,
The kitty, bless the little soul, could have caused some damage to your well being, and not above your shoulder height ! I dread to think the outcome if it should happen to me with my fully grown old cat, (masquerading as a tiger with claws like sabres)
The funniest thing i heard on a not dissimilar vein, over here was a man, who was an avid home improvement type, Visualise the scene--
1) man builds his wife upstairs bathroom to die for.
2) Man is upstairs having a bath.
3) Wife is downstairs having get together with all her pals.
4) heavy king size bath, full of water+man, proves too much for
beam at end of bath, Bath tilts, other beam gives way.
5) bath +man in nuddie comes crashing down through ceiling
amongst genteel lady visitors&wife (all thoroughly soaked
and shocked)
6) further horrors! pipework all ripped out, electrical system all
blown, bricks, water storage tank etcdown on top of
delicious food ,and state of the art cooker, thus kitchen ruined,
not to mention further structural damage.

Moral of story, Have structural calculations correct I wonder how the ladies viewed our man in future?

[oldtiffie]

Justice.