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Thread: Shop Tool Humor

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    2,999

    Default Shop Tool Humor

    Hi,

    I thought I would try to inject a little humor into the forum.

    The following is something a friend of mine who is a shop owner sent me.

    I hope I am not violating any copyrights here and I have nobody to attribute it to.

    Hope it gives you a smile. It did me.

    Brian


    > DRILL PRESS:
    > A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
    > snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
    > smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
    > room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
    > carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
    >
    > WIRE WHEEL:
    > Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
    > somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
    > removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
    > in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh,
    > ****!"
    >
    > SKILL SAW:
    > A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
    > short.
    >
    > PLIERS: Used to round off bolt
    > heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    > blood-blisters.
    >
    > BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool
    > commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
    > refinishing jobs.
    >
    > HACKSAW:
    > One of a family of cutting tools built on the
    > Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a
    > crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
    > influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    >
    > VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
    > completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
    > available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
    > heat to the palm of your hand.
    >
    > OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    > Used almost entirely for lighting various
    > flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also
    > handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
    > which you want to remove a
    > bearing race..
    >
    > TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool
    > commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
    > integrity.
    >
    > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    > Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    > after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the
    > jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    >
    > BAND SAW: A large stationary power
    > saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet
    > into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
    > can after you cut on
    > the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
    >
    > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    > A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
    > everything you forgot to disconnect.
    >
    > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    > Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
    > opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
    > on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
    > strip out Phillips screw heads.
    >
    > STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for
    > opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
    > screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
    >
    > PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the
    > metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove
    > in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    >
    > HOSE CUTTER:
    > A tool used to make hoses too short.
    >
    > HAMMER:
    > Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
    > nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
    > most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
    > hit.
    >
    > UTILITY KNIFE:
    > Used to open and slice through the contents of
    > cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
    > particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
    > liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
    > checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
    > slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    >
    > Son of a b*tch TOOL:
    > Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
    > garage while yelling "Son of a b*tch" at the top
    > of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
    > you will need.
    OPEN EYES, OPEN EARS, OPEN MIND

    THINK HARDER

    BETTER TO HAVE TOOLS YOU DON'T NEED THAN TO NEED TOOLS YOU DON'T HAVE

    MY NAME IS BRIAN AND I AM A TOOLOHOLIC

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Posts
    8,946

    Default

    I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA we say BAAAAAAASTARD. ALISTAIR
    Please excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Solvang, CA, USA
    Posts
    332

    Default

    I laughed out loud at the last one... so true

    -Pete
    I just like to make stuff.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    4,442

    Default

    My german buddies used to curse in English cause it had more descriptive terms.

    I was amazed how many foul words they knew.

    When the old german brought his quart of beer into the break room to have with his lunch, they shut the plant down and called the police to take him away. Funny how there is so many difficulties working abroad.

    It came down to... do you want his senior expertise to make your german machine run, or .... From then on after a apology from the plant manager he got to drink his beer in his company vehicle daily.
    Excuse me, I farted.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Stevens Point, WI
    Posts
    8,143

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Alistair Hosie
    I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA we say BAAAAAAASTARD. ALISTAIR

    I think the more words to build up to the final cuss the better. The 'son-of-a' just helps you build steam.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Vancouver's Island
    Posts
    41,977

    Default

    I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA
    Dogs aren't particular about thier partners.
    Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Bruno, Arkansas and Tallahassee, Florida
    Posts
    948

    Talking

    That last one made me laugh out loud! A buddy, who used to work construction while putting himself through school, told of a guy hanging sheetrock on a job that accidently shot a drywall screw through his glove and into his bird finger. He let out a blue streak of cuss words and flung the driver across the room. He soon discovered that he needed it to back the screw out of his finger so he could get down from the ladder. He then had to get one of his crew members to stop laughing long enough to fetch the tool back and reverse it for him.
    Jim (KB4IVH)

    Only fools abuse their tools.

  8. #8
    gregl Guest

    Default

    I was in the Navy, and when I am using certain adjectives and nouns in the shop, my wife refers to it as Navy language. It's very therapeutic.

    Mark Twain was a connoisseur of uninhibited self-expression, and here are a few quotes from him on the subject. Found at www.twainquotes.com:

    ----
    I was...blaspheming my luck in a way that made my breath smell of brimstone.
    - Roughing It

    ...quadrilateral, astronomical, incandescent son-of-a-bitch.
    - Letter to W. D. Howells, (attacking an enemy)

    The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still
    be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way.
    - Private and Public Morals speech, 1906

    There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have
    to repress an emotion like that.
    - Mark Twain, a Biography

    When it comes down to pure ornamental cursing, the native American is gifted
    above the sons of men.
    - Roughing It

    Let us swear while we may, for in Heaven it will not be allowed.
    - Notebook, 1898

    If I cannot swear in heaven I shall not stay there.
    - Notebook, 1898

    My swearing doesn't mean any more to me than your sermons do to you.
    - comment made to Rev. Joe Twichell, quoted in Mark Twain and Hawaii, by
    Walter Francis Frear

    Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances,
    profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
    - Mark Twain, a Biography
    ----

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Vancouver's Island
    Posts
    41,977

    Default

    Here is something to ponder:

    Cursing is not a function of the normal speech centre of the brain. Frequently a person that suffers a stroke that leaves them unable to speak even a word in normal conversation can still swear a blue streak.
    Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Ashburton, near Christchurch New Zealand
    Posts
    6,698

    Default

    When the occasion calls, such as at the mother-in-law's meeting of the Womens' Guild, a good phrase to remember is "Daub and plaster the muddy bucket".

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