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Thread: Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

  1. #991

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    A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

    "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

    "Well, I can think of one thing." The man offers. Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone motorcyclists who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and told him 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."

    St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago."
    .
    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

  2. #992
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    Jul 2015
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    Definition: Boat, a hole in the water you throw money into!

  3. #993
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    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
    She asks him why he is staring.
    He replies: “I have something to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
    She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
    The cabbie says, "Sister, I’ve always had a fantasy about what it would be like to have a nun kiss me.”
    She responds, “Well, that's not all that unusual, but there are a couple of requirements that have to be met for me to be able help you out. First, you must be Catholic and you have to be single."
    The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m Catholic and I'm single!”
    “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
    “My dear child,” asks the nun, “why are you crying?”
    The cabbie replies, “Forgive me sister, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm Jewish and I’m married too.”
    The nun says, “Oh, that’s okay, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
    �� Things aren't always as they seem to be!
    “I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence”

    Lewis Grizzard

  4. #994

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    There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: * 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
    * 2 French men and 1 French woman
    * 2 German men and 1 German woman
    * 2 Greek men and I Greek woman
    * 2 English men and I English woman
    * 2 Bulgarian men and I Bulgarian woman
    * 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
    * 2 Irish men and I Irish woman

    One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
    * The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
    * The 2 Frenchmen and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"
    * The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
    * The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
    * The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
    * The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
    * The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
    * The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
    .
    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

  5. #995
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    Dec 2002
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    2,293

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    An old man was sitting by the road, crying. Someone went up to him, asked why he was crying.
    "I'm 94" said the old man.
    "That's no reason to cry" said the stranger
    "No, you don't understand, I'm married to a stunning 22 year old underwear model"
    "Oh, and you're crying because she doesn't want to have sex?"
    "Oh, no - just the opposite - twice when she wakes up, lunchtime, afternoonsies, then at least 3 times at night, she's insatiable and crazy about me"
    "It sounds wonderful" said the stranger. "Is it that you can't keep up with her demands in bed?"
    "Not at all" said the old man, "I'm as potent as a teenager"
    "Then why the hell are you crying?" asked the stranger
    "Because I can't remember where I live..."
    All of the gear, no idea...

  6. #996

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    Joe Petroski was a romantic man, and a big believer in marriage - such a believer that he married eight times. Remarkably, he maintained good relations with each of his ex-wives and their children, to the point that, for Joe, Christmas season ran for two weeks, as he visited each of his families. Not just that, but his wives became good friends as well.

    After his unexpected death, the wives gathered to plan the memorial service. Joe had asked to be cremated, and the wives decided that half of his ashes would go into the crypt he had purchased (with eight spaces around it for their ashes), and the families would divide the rest so that each family, spread out across the country, could keep his memory alive. At this point, Marie, his first wife and the shy one of the group spoke up. “You all know,” she said, “that Joe was 18 when we married. I feel like I taught him how to be a good husband, and we both learned, with our six children, how to be good parents. I think I even helped him learn how to be a good ex-husband."

    Joe’s fourth wife, Ariel, from his years in Marin County, California, responded, “Oh, Marie, I think I speak for all of us when I tell you how grateful we are for starting him out right. When I think of my first husband, may he be the dirt on which devils walk in Hell, and how much Joe and I still loved each other, and how we became an extended family thanks to Joe - well, we owe you a lot. And you helped him get over that name thing. I love your kids, Joe Jr., Joan, Joellen, Jonah, Jocasta, and Jonas, like my own. But I was so glad that I could give our kids more creative names.” The other wives all murmured their complete agreement with Ariel’s statement.

    “Thank you, Ariel, and well, all of you,” said Marie. “And I love your Sunbird and Treesong like my own, too. But I was leading up to a request. I know Joe lost a lot of weight toward the end there, and so there’s not many ashes; but I want to divide his ashes up among the children. Would it be too selfish for me to ask for a cup o’ Joe?"

    ---------

    After a field trip to the Middle West, Sarah came back to the university Anthropology Department with dollar signs in her eyes. As she explained to her office mate, Richard, she had confirmed the rumors of a huge treasure left behind by James Hansen, a 19th century pencil baron in his summer mansion in Usta, South Dakota. As always with these tales, of course, there was a hitch. The pencil baron was a greedy SOB, and, after he was bitten to death by black flies, his ghost haunted the mansion, which fell into disrepair, and attacked anyone trying to get to the treasure, filling them full of lead (well, actually graphite and clay baked into a stick form, usually 9H for its hardness, but I digress). As the story went, the ghost would consent to release the treasure only to someone who could solve the riddle he posed; but it was an impossibly difficult riddle, and the front steps of the mansion were littered with the pencil-filled skeletons of the people who’d failed. Sarah, who’d been unable to get any grants for her study of Norwegian settlement in the Dakotas (though she was ever hopeful, she was up for tenure soon and really needed to publish something), was filled with a desire to get the treasure, but stuck on how to get past the ghost. Richard smiled, and said, "Hey, sure, I can help." During Spring break, they headed back to Usta. It had, fortunately, been a cold winter, and the black flies were not yet out when they arrived.

    They parked their car in front of the mansion, and Richard retrieved bags from the trunk, then confidently walked up the front steps, Sarah trailing nervously behind. As Richard put his foot on the porch, a ferocious roar shook the air, and the birds stopped singing; the freshly unfurled leaves on the trees stopped rustling; the nearby creek stopped burbling. An ominous chord sounded from nowhere (Sarah, an amateur musician, noted, in her fear, that it was an Fminor7). A stern-looking ghost in 19th century dress clothes appeared, looking exactly like the portraits of James Hansen in the local museum (that is, really uncomfortable in those stiff wool clothes) , and intoned, “Do you wish to die in this moment, or shall you essay the riddle?” Richard responded, “Let me hear your riddle.” The ghost smiled and said, “Elucidate the etymological relationship between Usta and uff-da.” Sarah, standing next to Richard, could barely hear him respond, “I’m a doctor of cultural anthropology, Jim, not a linguist.” The birds resumed tweeting, as they placed bets on how many pencils would skewer this latest idiot. But the ghost turned away and, bowing, invited them into the house, mentioning, as they passed, that the treasure would be in the morning room.

    Sarah and Richard loaded up on gold pieces, and staggered back to the car. As they drove away, Sarah said, “I can’t stand it. You didn’t answer the riddle at all. Why did the ghost not kill us both immediately?” “Ah,” said Richard, “I learned long ago that a soft answer turneth away wraiths."
    Last edited by Bill Houghton; 10-25-2018 at 03:34 PM.

  7. #997
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bill Houghton View Post
    ........... “Ah,” said Richard, “I learned long ago that a soft answer turneth away wraiths."
    Hmmm... I'm guessing there's some word play in that response. But I'm not getting it. Somebody help me out, please.

  8. #998
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    Quote Originally Posted by fastfire View Post
    most awesome

  9. #999
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    Quote Originally Posted by lynnl View Post
    Hmmm... I'm guessing there's some word play in that response. But I'm not getting it. Somebody help me out, please.
    A Proverb in the Bible says "A soft answer turneth away wrath." A wraith is a ghost.

  10. #1000
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    Ah.. so! I'd figured maybe some biblical connection ("turneth"). Guess I need to spend more time with my scripture study.

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