Page 101 of 106 FirstFirst ... 519199100101102103 ... LastLast
Results 1,001 to 1,010 of 1059

Thread: Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

  1. #1001

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by lynnl View Post
    Ah.. so! I'd figured maybe some biblical connection ("turneth"). Guess I need to spend more time with my scripture study.
    I wouldn't discourage your reading, but it you're expecting your bible study to bring more humor into your life I'm afraid you're in for a long slog.
    .
    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

  2. #1002
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    Central Ohio
    Posts
    1,098

    Default

    Yes, but the retirement plan is great.
    mark costello-Low speed steel

  3. #1003
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    6,822

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 3 Phase Lightbulb View Post
    I'd love to do that in real life with a non-alcoholic beer. Maybe keep one in the glove box just for an occasion like that.
    Here in Germany they have lots of police controls for drinking while driving. I was waved over once so I pulled over and rolled down my window and waited for the cop to come to my car. As he reached the car he asked me if I had been drinking any alcohol and as he said that he bent over and stuck his head in the car. My dog in the backseat came up over my seat back and just missed taking his face off by literally millimeters. The cop falls back on his butt. I told him I had not had any alcohol but the dog had a few! He actually laughed and said it was his fault. I told him I was glad he didn't get hurt but it wasn't very smart to enter a car uninvited!! Two other cops were running up as he landed on his butt but the officer waved them off.
    How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

  4. #1004

    Default

    A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a Cat have died. All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

    The German Shepherd says: "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master."

    "Good," says God, "then sit down on my right side."

    "Doberman, what do you believe in?" asks God.

    The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master."

    Aha," said God, "you may sit to my left."

    Then he looks at the Cat, and asks: "And what do you believe in?"

    The Cat then answers, "I believe you're sitting in my seat."
    .
    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

  5. #1005
    3 Phase Lightbulb Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Black Forest View Post
    Here in Germany they have lots of police controls for drinking while driving. I was waved over once so I pulled over and rolled down my window and waited for the cop to come to my car. As he reached the car he asked me if I had been drinking any alcohol and as he said that he bent over and stuck his head in the car. My dog in the backseat came up over my seat back and just missed taking his face off by literally millimeters. The cop falls back on his butt. I told him I had not had any alcohol but the dog had a few! He actually laughed and said it was his fault. I told him I was glad he didn't get hurt but it wasn't very smart to enter a car uninvited!! Two other cops were running up as he landed on his butt but the officer waved them off.
    Why didn't he tell the other cops to look in the back of the car for him

  6. #1006
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Southwestern Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    5,491

    Default

    Why is Donald Trumps book "The Art of the Deal" so thick?

    Because it has four chapter elevens.
    The shortest distance between two points is a circle of infinite diameter.

    Bluewater Model Engineering Society at https://sites.google.com/site/bluewatermes/

  7. #1007
    3 Phase Lightbulb Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by loose nut View Post
    Why is Donald Trumps book "The Art of the Deal" so thick?

    Because it has four chapter elevens.
    So they have SNL in Canada? I guess so

  8. #1008
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Southwestern Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    5,491

    Default

    Yup. I put that one on here because a lot of the old guys on the forum have gone to bed before SNL comes on and it's funny because it's true, in an ironic sort of way. Of course most of the things "the Donald" does are funny in a sad sort of way.
    Last edited by loose nut; 11-20-2018 at 11:02 AM.
    The shortest distance between two points is a circle of infinite diameter.

    Bluewater Model Engineering Society at https://sites.google.com/site/bluewatermes/

  9. #1009
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Big Prairie Mi.
    Posts
    2,356

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Black Forest View Post
    Here in Germany they have lots of police controls for drinking while driving. I was waved over once so I pulled over and rolled down my window and waited for the cop to come to my car. As he reached the car he asked me if I had been drinking any alcohol and as he said that he bent over and stuck his head in the car. My dog in the backseat came up over my seat back and just missed taking his face off by literally millimeters. The cop falls back on his butt. I told him I had not had any alcohol but the dog had a few! He actually laughed and said it was his fault. I told him I was glad he didn't get hurt but it wasn't very smart to enter a car uninvited!! Two other cops were running up as he landed on his butt but the officer waved them off.
    Back in the 80s, I had a Jeep CJ7 and an English mastiff. Buford (the mastiff) weighed in at over 200lbs, huge dog could put his pays on my shoulders and look me straight in the eyes.

    He loved riding in the jeep and would sit in back looking out the window while driving, then when I'd stop and get out he'd jump into the driver's seat and watch what I did.
    One day, I stopped for gas and Buford jumped in the driver's seat as normal. There was some guy that had walked up to several people to with a sheet of paper in his hand, trying to get directions to somewhere.

    And he walked up to the driver's door of the jeep looking at the paper, He got as far as asking "hey do you know where....", when Buford stuck his head out the window.
    Next thing I know the guy is running down the sidewalk saying "Oh sh**, O my God, holy crap". I never did hear where he was going, he was getting somewhere fast.

  10. #1010

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kendall View Post
    Back in the 80s, I had a Jeep CJ7 and an English mastiff. Buford (the mastiff) weighed in at over 200lbs, huge dog could put his pays on my shoulders and look me straight in the eyes.

    He loved riding in the jeep and would sit in back looking out the window while driving, then when I'd stop and get out he'd jump into the driver's seat and watch what I did.
    One day, I stopped for gas and Buford jumped in the driver's seat as normal. There was some guy that had walked up to several people to with a sheet of paper in his hand, trying to get directions to somewhere.

    And he walked up to the driver's door of the jeep looking at the paper, He got as far as asking "hey do you know where....", when Buford stuck his head out the window.
    Next thing I know the guy is running down the sidewalk saying "Oh sh**, O my God, holy crap". I never did hear where he was going, he was getting somewhere fast.
    Well, if the guy was actually collecting signatures on a Koch brothers petition, Buford did his good deed for the day. And boosted some clothing store's profits by one pair of new shorts.
    .
    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •