Page 2 of 106 FirstFirst 12341252102 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 1059

Thread: Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Western, Kentucky
    Posts
    376

    Default

    Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
    soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
    shelves set up.

    One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
    walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
    curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
    asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."

    Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...
    only two left."

    "The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is." Winston Churchill

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Western, Kentucky
    Posts
    376

    Default

    The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your blinding headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

    Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suitit fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

    Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years.'
    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

    Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

    New suit - $400
    New shirt - $36
    New underwear - $6
    Second Opinion-Priceless!!!


    "The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is." Winston Churchill

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    webster, ma
    Posts
    950

    Default

    a man who is looking for a favor from a friend, and also to make some money. His friend is a moonshiner, and he asks if there is any product available. His friend says yes, but unfortunatly its not top quality. He advises to take it to the pharmacist to see if it toxic. The pharmacist says it is not good moonshine, and is slightly poisonous. The man asks, "How bad is it?" The pharmacist says " "it won't kill you, but it could make you go blind." The man says thanks and takes the moonshine with him. The pharmacist says" what are you doing?" The man says "I know someone who is already blind!"
    gvasale

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Kenosha, not the pass the other one
    Posts
    2,784

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Evan
    But the Englishmen buy the 12 packs and label them January, February, March......
    I thought it was 2001, 2002, 2003........................
    Forty plus years and I still have ten toes, ten fingers and both eyes. I must be doing something right.

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Kenosha, not the pass the other one
    Posts
    2,784

    Default

    The young Indian* boy asks his father how he got his name.
    "Well my son as with your older sister and brother I named them after the first thing I saw when I stepped outside the tepee the morning you where born. Your sister I saw a deer prancing and so She is Deer Prancing. Your brother I saw a hawk soaring and so he is named Hawk Soaring. Why do ask Two Dogs Mating?

    *OK Native American
    Forty plus years and I still have ten toes, ten fingers and both eyes. I must be doing something right.

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    the sub-tropical island of Anglesey, North Wales
    Posts
    1,335

    Default

    BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

    This took place in Charlotte North Carolina .

    A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

    The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

    Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

    NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

    This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

  7. #17
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Vancouver's Island
    Posts
    41,977

    Default

    The lawyer/cigar/arson story is an ancient urban legend.

    From Snopes:

    This legend began its Internet life after it was posted to the newsgroup alt.smokers.cigars in early 1996, and it has continued to circulate as a "true story" in newsgroups and e-mail ever since, despite its having been identified as an "urban legend" when it was first posted. The version posted was, in fact, nearly identical to one that has been circulating since at least the mid-1960s:
    http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp
    Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    KC Mo.
    Posts
    188

    Talking

    Thanks for a great story Jugs.
    Don't worry about Evan, When he sees a campfire he just HAS to pee on it.

    Nothin' but love Evan

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Kingman Arizona
    Posts
    1,736

    Default

    WARNING! WARNING!


    ________________________________________
    If you have older men in your life please pass this along so they don't fall
    prey to this. Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at
    the mall and in parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for
    men.

    A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Sam's
    Club customers. This one caught me by total surprise. Over the last month I
    became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get
    supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to
    think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls
    come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They
    both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
    almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you
    for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the
    way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
    and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.


    I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
    20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
    26th & 28th, three times on the 27th during the Black Friday Sale, and very
    likely again this upcoming weekend.

    So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
    older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

    By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper
    ones for $1.99 at Kmart but I bought them all out. Also, you never will get
    to eat at McDonalds, but I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and
    forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Sam's.

    Excuse me for a few moments....I have to get a box of 10-24 X 1" Socket head cap screws at Lowe's...What the heck, I think I'll get them one at a time.
    No good deed goes unpunished.

  10. #20
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
    Posts
    3,099

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Evan
    But the Englishmen buy the 12 packs and label them January, February, March......
    Quote Originally Posted by Spin Doctor
    I thought it was 2001, 2002, 2003........................

    You're thinking of the Scotsmen, Spin Doctor.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •