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Thread: Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
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    Winchendon MA
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    Default jokes

    I was going to get a female friend of mine a set of those daily underwear you know Mon.,Tues., etc. but then I remembered that she likes to ride Harley so I got her 12 pack you know Jan., Feb., March, etc.

  2. #22
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    the sub-tropical island of Anglesey, North Wales
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Evan
    The lawyer/cigar/arson story is an ancient urban legend.
    As indeed are you

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
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    Somewhere between Portlandia & Salvation
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    Default A headache story.

    The patient, a well known drug addict, went to the Emergency Department complaining of a headache. After a history and physical the patient was straightforward in requesting Dilaudid pain pills. The physician was a bit reluctant to give this known drug addict any strong narcotics and suggested a different therapy. The doc said "when I get a terrible headache at work (no doubt from dealing with assholes like you) I go home and have my wife draw me a warm bath. While I'm soaking she will wrap my head with the hottest importrd Turkish towel I can stand for five minutes. Then she'll massage my scalp with some scented oils. Afterward we retire to the bedroom for some lovemaking and when I awake, it's like magic, my headaches gone. I suggest you try this". The drug addict was pissed off he wasn't going to score and ran out the door cursing.
    Surprisingly a week later the druggie came back in. He said "dammit doc I was so pissed off when I took off from here I though about slashing your tires or something. But I got to thinking maybe the old man was on to something. So I got the old lady to run me a bath, wrap my head, massage my scalp, then screw the bejeebers out out of me and damned if it didn't take care of my headache. I just don't know how to thank you enough.". The doc said "its quite alright, just glad I could be of service to you." the drug addict said back "by the way, you have a really nice house".

  4. #24
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by smalltime
    Thanks for a great story Jugs.
    Don't worry about Evan, When he sees a campfire he just HAS to pee on it.

    Nothin' but love Evan
    Dont worry I'm thick skined. He does seem to pi$$ a lot of people off though ! Still a man needs a hobby.

    Lets try & keep this thread a happy place.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    NW Oregon
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    1,016

    Default

    once was a man named Dave
    who kept a dead whore in his cave
    when asked about the smell
    he said 'Oh, what the hell'
    'look at the money I save'

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
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    the sub-tropical island of Anglesey, North Wales
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    Default This story may not be true but an ancient urban legend.

    A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

    Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

    The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    Date: October 16, 2009

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

    I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

    Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P.S. ***king hot down here!

  7. #27
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    Default

    Can I have some Irish Sausages please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

    The assistant looked at him and asked, "Are you Irish?"

    "If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.

    "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

    Then, warming to his theme, he went on,

    "Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

    "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?"

    "Would Ya? Would Ya?"

    The assistant said, "Well, no."

    Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.

    "If I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?"

    "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

    "Well no, I probably wouldn't." conceded the assistant.

    So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,

    "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

    The assistant replied................












    "Because you're in Homebase."

  8. #28
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    Nov 1999
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    SE OZ
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    3,963

    Default A dog's life

    My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

    The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

    The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

    The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

    The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

  9. #29
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    Apr 2009
    Location
    Ashburton, near Christchurch New Zealand
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    Default

    We were shearing on a big station in Western Queensland when a great ruckus erupted when a young rousie was found 'interfering' with the sheep in the back pens.

    Some wanted him gone and others said to give the boy another chance, eventually the squater himself got involved and he said, "It is nothing, lots of the boys experiment with this sort of thing, he will grow out of it" then the union delegate shouted "You dont understand, we are shearing the rams this week!"

  10. #30
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    Aug 2002
    Posts
    8,946

    Default

    Guy goes into a variety agent ,and when in the room drops his trousers, turns round and starts to sing beautifully through his a$$ .Anyway the agent nearly falls off the chair "brilliant " he exclaims ,he immediatelly telephones his boss and said wait till you hear this he puts his telephone to the guys proud behind and a melody comes out OH sole mio. The agent said what do you think Oh said his boss not bad but singers like that are ten a penny no no you don't understand said the agent he sings beautifull through his a$$ .Oh don't lie to me said his boss.Allright I'll bring him right over said the agent dieing to show the new found skill to his boss.They get into a taxi and head off.When they arrive at the managers office the guy duly drops his trousers and after a few moments sh**s on the expensive rug Oh don't mind that said the singer to the furious boss I'm just clearing my throat .Alistair
    Last edited by Alistair Hosie; 06-08-2010 at 04:12 PM.
    Please excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease

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