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Thread: Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

  1. #911
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
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    SW Michigan
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    I told my son, "you will marry the girl I choose." he said, "no."

    I told him, "she is Bill Gates' daughter." he said, "yes."

    I called Bill Gates and said, "i want your daughter to marry my son." Bill Gates said, "no."

    I told Bill Gates, "my son is the CEO of the world bank." Bill Gates said, "ok."

    I called the president of world bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, "no."

    I told him, "my son is Bill Gates' son-in-law." he said, "OK."

    And that's exactly how politics works.
    You can lead people to knowledge but you can't make them think.
    "Lead, follow, or get out of the way." George Patton
    "I don't believe in a government that protects us from ourselves".
    Ronald Reagan

  2. #912
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    Jul 2007
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    West Michigan
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    I hope this one is cleanish enough.

    Guy goes to a hooker and asks her how much for sex. She tells him $200. He said that is pretty expensive. She said that's my price, take it or leave it. He decides to take it and pays her the $200.

    Takes his clothes off and starts masturbating. She looks at him and asks him what he is doing. He says "for that price you don't think you are getting the easy one, do you"?
    OPEN EYES, OPEN EARS, OPEN MIND

    THINK HARDER

    BETTER TO HAVE TOOLS YOU DON'T NEED THAN TO NEED TOOLS YOU DON'T HAVE

    MY NAME IS BRIAN AND I AM A TOOLOHOLIC

  3. #913
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    Dec 2007
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    South Wales
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    Funny, Id marry gates but I dont think hes going to like my wardrobe

    Mark

  4. #914
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    Jan 2013
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    Michigan
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    1,463

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    Quote Originally Posted by boslab View Post
    Funny, Id marry gates but I dont think hes going to like my wardrobe
    What, you think he hates foundry boots?

  5. #915
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    Apr 2011
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    SW Michigan
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    Missing Ex-Wife…..

    The day after his ex-wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

    "We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your ex-wife," said one of the officers.

    "Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

    The troopers looked at each other.

    One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

    Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

    The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
    your ex-wife's body in the bay."

    "Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn.

    Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

    The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

    Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

    The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
    You can lead people to knowledge but you can't make them think.
    "Lead, follow, or get out of the way." George Patton
    "I don't believe in a government that protects us from ourselves".
    Ronald Reagan

  6. #916
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
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    SW Michigan
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    8,758

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    a good blonde joke
    A blonde is driving her little red sport car too fast on the interstate and she gets pulled over by a female trooper who also happens to be a blonde. The trooper approaches the car and asks for the driver’s license. The driver frantically searches through her purse but can’t find it. She then becomes very upset and starts to cry. Between her sobs she asks, “What does it look like?” The cop replies, “It’s rectangular and has your picture on it.” After a little more digging the driver locates her mirror, looks at it and then hands it to the officer. The trooper takes a look and says, “Oh, you’re free to go, I didn’t realize you were a trooper too!”
    You can lead people to knowledge but you can't make them think.
    "Lead, follow, or get out of the way." George Patton
    "I don't believe in a government that protects us from ourselves".
    Ronald Reagan

  7. #917
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Barrie, Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    8,902

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    Why do ducks have webbed feet?---To stamp out forest fires!!!
    Why do elephants have such big feet?---To stamp out flaming ducks!!!
    Brian Rupnow

  8. #918
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Lancaster County PA
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    367

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    My daughter is a 1st grade teacher and she is always doing things to keep the kids entertained, engaged and learning at the same time.
    So she took a bag of lifesavers to school and gave each student 5 lifesavers, lemon, lime, orange, cherry and honey.
    She had them all taste the yellow one and asked, "OK class what flavor is that"? Little Johnny said that's lemon and was right.
    She then did the same with the lime, orange and cherry and they guessed all of them correctly.
    The last one was the brown honey flavored Lifesaver. After passing them out and all of the students tasted them no one could answer the question of what flavor it was.
    She tried some hints but they still didn't get the answer, so she tried another hint and said it is something that your mom might call your dad at times.
    Little Debbie yelled "spit it out it's an a$$hole.

  9. #919
    Join Date
    May 2011
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    802

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    And the Lord said to Lazarus, "COME FORTH AND RECEIVE ETERNAL LIFE!!!" ....... but Lazarus came fifth and all he got was a toaster.

  10. #920
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    Aug 2018
    Location
    Alaska
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    Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

    A: A mechanic.
    My recommendation?

    No matter what I tell you, get a second opinion.

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