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Thread: Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

  1. #981

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    So a guy is coming up for his citizenship hearing but is worried about how hard that might be and asks a friend who'd passed it not long back.

    "Well," the friend says, "It's not that hard. They only ask you three questions. Who was the first president of the United States, how many states are there, and what are the colors of the American flag? But just to make sure, I wrote the answers on the waistband of my shorts so I could cheat if I needed to."

    "Brilliant!" the first guy says. "Say, ... what would you take for that pair of shorts?"

    After some hard bargaining he buys them for twenty five dollars and is filled with new confidence for his hearing. So the day for his hearing arrives and he's all set.

    The judge looks down and asks him, "So, what is the name of the first president of the United States?"

    Peeking down in his waistband he says, "J C Penney"

    "And how many states are there in the United States?"

    Peeking again, "Thirty-four and a half"

    "And what are the colors of the American flag?"

    "Brown and white."
    .
    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

  2. #982
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
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    Three men were sentenced to be executed by guillotine; a priest, a Muslim, and an Engineer.


    First was the priest and he asked: "Can I face upwards to see Heaven and my Creator?".


    His wish was granted, the blade fell, but stopped 1/2 inch from his neck, sparing his life.


    The executioner replied: "Since the guillotine has spared you, so shall be your life. You are allowed to leave."


    Next was the Muslim and he asked: "May I also face upwards to look to Allah before my death?"


    Again the guillotine stopped just short and his life was spared as well.


    The Engineer was last and he too asked to face upwards given what happened with the first two.


    As he lay there, he looked up at the mechanism and said: "Aha, I see the problem! The rope has jumped out of the pulley groove!"
    Work hard play hard

  3. #983
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
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    Huntsville Ala
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    ...then what happened?

    They brought him in for a job interview -right? Or maybe hired him on the spot.

  4. #984
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    Dec 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by lynnl View Post
    ...then what happened?
    They fixed the problem and re-sentenced all three for a successful execution.
    Work hard play hard

  5. #985
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    805

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    More Quotes

    I don’t know what Scrope Davies meant by telling you I liked children, I abominate the sight of them so much that I have always had the greatest respect for the character of Herod.
    George (Lord) Byron

    I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
    Rodney Dangerfield

    My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
    Rodney Dangerfield

    In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and backside and Brigit staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

    Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

    "Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

    Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first
    hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole. The first one
    to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right
    for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split
    down the middle and the ball rolled through. The ball finally stopped
    about 5 ft from the hole.
    Jesus looked at Moses and said "Good shot Moses."
    Jesus was up next. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it was
    also heading directly for the water puddle. So Jesus opened his eyes very
    wide and the golf ball sprouted legs and walked on the water. The ball
    finally stopped about 3 ft from the hole.
    Moses looked at Jesus and said "Good shot Jesus."
    Finally, it was the older man's turn. He swung and being a weak old
    man he only hit the ball about 15 ft. but before the ball stopped a gopher
    picks the ball up and begins to run away, then an eagle swoops down and
    grabs the gopher and begins to fly away with it, then a bolt of lightning
    strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gopher, the gopher hits the ground, the
    ball flies out of its mouth and into the hole.
    Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Good shot Dad."

    haiku
    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the blue screen of death.
    No one hears your screams.

    Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks; you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f**king cross?
    Bill Hicks

    Conservative: A liberal who has just been mugged.
    Anonymous

    Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.
    - John Galsworthy

    I’m Catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!
    Richard Jeni

    Baptists never make love standing up; they're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing!
    Lewis Grizzard Jr.

    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
    - G.K. Chesterton

    You might be a redneck if… you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
    - Jeff Foxworthy

    My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
    - Charles 'Chic' Murray

    From time to time, my mother puts on her wedding dress; not because she’s sentimental, she just gets really far behind on her laundry.
    - Brian Kiley

    Grandchildren can be f**king annoying – how many times can you go ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
    - Joan Rivers

    The Vatican is against surrogate mothers; good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
    Elayne Boosler

    Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.
    Denis Diderot

  6. #986
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
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    East Coast, USA
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    Easy way to tell if it's turned on or off.

    Work hard play hard

  7. #987
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    24

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    Way back when, I worked for a company called Gates Rubber Co. In the machine shop was a sign that rear: "If it won't fit, don't force it! Get a bigger hammer".

  8. #988
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    East Coast, USA
    Posts
    7,038

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    Quote Originally Posted by 3 Phase Lightbulb View Post
    Easy way to tell if it's turned on or off.

    Note: Does not work consistently with 2-ways, 3-ways, etc.
    Work hard play hard

  9. #989
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Ashburton, near Christchurch New Zealand
    Posts
    6,559

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    Switch is 'on' when down in major countries of the world.

  10. #990
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    1,483

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Artful Bodger View Post
    Switch is 'on' when down in major countries of the world.
    My dad told me I had a foreign switch because after I installed it the writing said NO FFO.

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