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Thread: Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

  1. #811
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    Nov 2007
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    Young boy walks into his classroom and sits down
    Teacher: "Freddie - why are you late for school?"
    Freddie: "sorry miss, my dad got burned this morning"
    Teacher: "oh Freddie, I'm sorry to hear that. Was it bad?"
    Freddie: "they do not piss about down the crematorium!!"

  2. #812
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    When a teenager my friend had an old beater car the gas tank leak so he had one in the trunk. This was the era of 200 mpg carbs, etc & real gas station with real service. We'd pull in & ask if the had a water hose & park where they could see us & put a gallon or 2 in the real tank then carefully put 2 asprins in the tank & close the lid, smile, wave & drive away while anyone watching's chin hit the ground. Worked every time.
    You can lead people to knowledge but you can't make them think.
    "Lead, follow, or get out of the way." George Patton
    "I don't believe in a government that protects us from ourselves".
    Ronald Reagan

  3. #813
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    Back on the '60s someone where I worked bought a Volkswagen, and he bragged about his great fuel economy, about 30 MPG compared to the 15 or so most of us were getting in our typical Detroit Iron. So some of he guys waited until he was busy, and they put a gallon or two of gas in his tank for a while. He bragged that he was now getting 40 MPG, then 50, and finally 100! Then the guys started siphoning gas from his tank, and he got very quiet...

  4. #814
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    I had 2 diesel Rabbits that got 55 mpg on diesel & were very comfortable. Used to drive 1200 miles to the cabin & screw around a weekend on $25.
    You can lead people to knowledge but you can't make them think.
    "Lead, follow, or get out of the way." George Patton
    "I don't believe in a government that protects us from ourselves".
    Ronald Reagan

  5. #815
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
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    Southwestern Ontario, Canada
    Posts
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    Remember the "perfect" woman.

    38-24-36

    38 years old
    looks like a 24 year old
    has an IQ of 36

    ------------------------------------------------

    How many Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, he pays anything he screws $120,000 to deny it happened.

    -----------------------------------------------------

    What do camels and women have in common. They never forget, they hold a grudge and the bigger the humps the better.

    ----------------------------------------------------

    Two soldiers are in a trench, during WW1, up to their knees in mud and $#!+, rats crawling all over them, infested with lice and fleas and the smell of the rotting corpses everywhere. Suddenly an airplane flies overhead and one of the soldiers says “I hear that the life span of a pilot is only about 2 weeks”. The other reply’s “lucky bastards”.
    Last edited by loose nut; 04-15-2018 at 09:25 AM.
    The shortest distance between two points is a circle of infinite diameter.

    Bluewater Model Engineering Society at https://sites.google.com/site/bluewatermes/

  6. #816
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    Sep 2006
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    Big Prairie Mi.
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    Quote Originally Posted by PStechPaul View Post
    Back on the '60s someone where I worked bought a Volkswagen, and he bragged about his great fuel economy, about 30 MPG compared to the 15 or so most of us were getting in our typical Detroit Iron. So some of he guys waited until he was busy, and they put a gallon or two of gas in his tank for a while. He bragged that he was now getting 40 MPG, then 50, and finally 100! Then the guys started siphoning gas from his tank, and he got very quiet...
    Had a coworker who always ragged on anyone that mentioned using 4x in the snow, always bragged that he never used 4 wheel drive except of road in deep mud.
    One of the guys noticed that he always had his hubs locked in and having seen the way he drove, we were doubtful to say the least, So unlocked his hubs.
    He called in the next day because he had to be towed out of the ditch.
    He didn't live that down.

  7. #817
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    Mar 2015
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    Central Ms
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    756

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    Quote Originally Posted by kendall View Post
    Had a coworker who always ragged on anyone that mentioned using 4x in the snow, always bragged that he never used 4 wheel drive except of road in deep mud.
    One of the guys noticed that he always had his hubs locked in and having seen the way he drove, we were doubtful to say the least, So unlocked his hubs.
    He called in the next day because he had to be towed out of the ditch.
    He didn't live that down.
    I worked with a guy that made the same claims. Never have to use four wheel drive. His vehicle was a 1974 Chevrolet Blazer. No locking hubs, because it was full time four wheel drive. He didn't understand the concept, or how to use the dual range transfer case. Dipsheet.
    “I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence”

    Lewis Grizzard

  8. #818
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave C View Post
    I worked with a guy that made the same claims. Never have to use four wheel drive. His vehicle was a 1974 Chevrolet Blazer. No locking hubs, because it was full time four wheel drive. He didn't understand the concept, or how to use the dual range transfer case. Dipsheet.
    My younger brother used to always tell me I was wasting my money always buying 4x4 pick-ups. In that four wheel drive only helped you get stuck faster and deeper. So one day he calls me from his pick-up telling me he was stuck and could I come pull him out. I drove out to where he was stuck and drove circles around his truck and the while rubbing it in that my 4x4 had to rescue his 2x4. He never mentioned anything ever again about four wheel drive being a waste but I rubbed it in every chance I got about having to pull him out!
    How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!

  9. #819
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    Jan 2002
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    Huntsville Ala
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    Quote Originally Posted by PStechPaul View Post
    Back on the '60s someone where I worked bought a Volkswagen, and he bragged about his great fuel economy, about 30 MPG compared to the 15 or so most of us were getting in our typical Detroit Iron. So some of he guys waited until he was busy, and they put a gallon or two of gas in his tank for a while. He bragged that he was now getting 40 MPG, then 50, and finally 100! Then the guys started siphoning gas from his tank, and he got very quiet...
    Over the last 40 or 50 years I've probably read or heard that story told at least a thousand times, and in far too many cases to believe, the teller claims personal involvement or knowledge.

    I admit it makes a nice little story to repeat anytime fuel economy, practical jokes, workplace pranks, etc. are discussed, but it sounds a little more credible told in the third person.

  10. #820
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    Jan 2002
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    Huntsville Ala
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    5,381

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    Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks "Olive or Twist?"

    What usually happened when John Milton was included in party board games? A pair of dice lost.

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