We all need a little chuckle
A typical Texan was visiting a fellow rancher in Australia and was in the process of touring the man's ranch. He asked, "How much land do you have on this spread?"
The Aussie replied, "Oh! I guess about 50 acres."
The Texan replied, "Well I guess that's a nice little stump farm."
Back came the Aussie with, "And how much land do you have back in Texas?.
"A little over 50,000 acres, " came the reply.
And so it went, everything the Aussie said was put down until he finally quit talking.
Luck came his way that afternoon when a kangaroo hopped across the road in front of their vehicle. This led the Texan to exclaim," What the hell was that?.
Instantly the Aussie tried to get revenge by answering in a condescending voice, "What, haven't you got field mice in Texas?.
Once again the Texan outwitted him by saying, Well sure, but I guess I never seen a baby one before."
I dont know how big ranches are in Texas but 50 acres would be little more than a 'life style block' in NZ and 50,000 acres would be a typical 'ranch', however in Australia a 'ranch' would be more like 500,000 or a million acres.
Of course we dont call them 'ranches' in NZ or Australia, here the nearest equivalent word would be 'station'.
Jokes like this will send Old Tiffie into a tailspin
Well the Brits came over and set up a nice little ranch in North Texas known as the XIT. That was ten counties in Texas.
A Texan, Mexican, Englishman and a Frenchman were on a two engine commuter plane. After a half hour the pilot came on the intercom and said that they where losing power on both engines and everything would have to be jettisoned if they didn't want to crash. Quickly the four men through everything out of the plane that they could including the door and seats. The pilot came on again and said it's not enough and if they didn't lose more weight the plane wouldn't make it to a airport.
The Frenchman goes over to the open door and says "I will sacrifice myself to save all of you", jumps out yelling "Viva La France" and fell to his death.
The Englishman not to be outdone by a Frenchman goes to the door, Yells "long live the Queen" and jumps out falling to his death.
The Texan and Mexican run to the door amazed by what they had seen and the Texan says "I will not be outdone by Europeans", yells "Remember the Alamo" and though the Mexican out the door.
Texan cattlle baron talking to a small Norfolk (UK) farmer and asks how big his spread is?
'500 acres' said the old boy proudly, 'How big is your farm.
The Texan tells the old guy that, if he got iin to his car, he couldn't drive round the fence between sunrise and sunset.
'I had a car like that.'
An Texan died and they couldn't find a coffin big enough for him so they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.
I remember dating a girl in high school, she was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake?
There's a small town, I think it's in Canada somewhere that has had the same exact population for more than 100 years. Turns out, every time a baby is born, a man leaves town.
Letter to a men's helpline...
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife
may have been cheating on me, but!
There's the usual signs:
If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;
She goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for
her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
And it was at that moment crouched behind the boat
that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld,
or do I need to replace the whole bracket?