OT - What Not to Say

[Forrest Addy]

On the topic of marital discord, a friend of mine jokes about needing a TV in the dog house.

[vpt]

This is why some guys garages look like this:

[flylo]

Once when my wife was almost ready to drop a son we were out to dinner. The kinda shy waitress asked when was she do. With a straight face & acting a little annoyed I said she's not pregnant & I thought the waitress was going to die. I finally cracked a smile & let her off the hook & left her a nice tip, You guys (and my wife) are right I do suck!

[Your Old Dog]

We had company over one night and I broke wind. My wife says, "What's wrong with your voice? Not that I'm complaining, your breath smells better". I try real hard not to break wind now when company is around but that has it's problems too. I squeeze my cheeks so hard it comes out as high E, nearly in dog range.

[flylo]

This has nothing to do with saying anything but it still a blast. I bear hunt & a gal where i worked did also & had a skinned bear paw. I went thru the drive thru to make the company deposit & when the teller push out the drawer I fropped in the skinned paw. When she pulled it back in I screamed my hand I pulled my hand into the truck acting like my hand was cut off. She freaked. By then I could not control myself it was so funny. Good thing I knew her, it was a small town & she had a sence of humor. We had a blast with that thing like pulling your hand up your sleeve while holding it out to shake hands. I ought to market them. Haveahand.com. I'll be rich! Only the state won't let you sell parts. Many thousands of valuable gallbladders go to waste every year.

[John Stevenson]

Was married about 6 months & my new bride & I ran into an older gal I hadn't seen for a while & introduced my wife & the gal said I didn't know you were married you don't act married. Dead silence as I hadn't seen her for over a year & we'd been married a few months, then she started back peddling. I still have no idea why she said that.

Always comes back to haunt you doesn't it ?

I started going out with Gert when I was about 20, nothing serious just good friends but being young we both drifted away. I left home and got into some wild times.

Interesting and enjoyable but could see that it was a slippy slope and I needed to back down a notch or two.

Got my old job back at the truck garage as I reckoned the old boss was a real hard case and took no crap off anyone so he'd make sure I didn't stray.

Rang Gert up and arranged to take her out, went to a quite pub in the country, sat her down and told her everything I'd been up to in the three years, left nothing out.
Then asked her if she wanted taking home.

Fortunately for me she said no and we went from there which was a good job because at a steam rally one day whilst Gert was stood a few paces away from me talking to someone this guy I used to knock around with but hadn't seen in ages came up to me and in a loud voice asked if I was still shagging Janice.

Could have been nasty but fortunately the Janice episode had been included in the confession and it ended up with him being the embarrassed one.

[flylo]

We had company over one night and I broke wind. My wife says, "What's wrong with your voice? Not that I'm complaining, your breath smells better". I try real hard not to break wind now when company is around but that has it's problems too. I squeeze my cheeks so hard it comes out as high E, nearly in dog range.

Tried a new church when my boys were young & the pastor took us to lunch. Both boys started that "pull my finger dad, pull my finger" it's funny now.

[sasquatch]

Back many years ago my buddy and i stopped in one sat night to see a friend and we knew he had started dating a girl we all knew , so we're sitting there and he's saying he's tired and needs to go get some sleep.

So on the way out my buddy says out loud,, "So, are you getting into Mandy's pants yet"??

The guy looked kinda strange and changed the subject immediately.

Next day we found out she was there right in the next room listening to all this!!

[justanengineer]

Hope you got the couch made up.

#1 reason I made sure the bed in the guest room was extra comfy when we bought it - an inability to contain bad jokes.

If only my mouth had a spin-on filter...

[jocat54]

We had company over one night and I broke wind. My wife says, "What's wrong with your voice? Not that I'm complaining, your breath smells better". I try real hard not to break wind now when company is around but that has it's problems too. I squeeze my cheeks so hard it comes out as high E, nearly in dog range.

That's way to much info