A parents responsibility

[Wayne02]

Ok, I realize that a parent’s responsibility is to raise a kid so that they turn out to be a caring, productive, responsible member of society. That’s a nice global view.

Now, let’s talk some specifics with regards to what you feel are a parent’s responsibility when it comes to footing the bill for some typical items. Do you believe the parent should feel some obligation to help pay for all or part of the following expenses?

Let’s start with the big nut; college education. Will you be paying for all or part of your Child's college education? Do you feel it is your responsibility to do so? Did your parents foot the bill for your education?

How about your Child's first car, will you pay for all or part of your Child's first car? Did your parents buy your first car for you?

How about car insurance for your Child's first car, do you feel it’s your responsibility to pay for that? Did your parents pay for your insurance on your first car?

On a smaller level, how about your Child's first cell phone? Many parents like to play the “safety card” as justification for this purchase. But did you have a cell phone when you were growing up? You made it to adulthood ok without a cell phone in your youth didn't you?

How about paying for all or part of the down payment on your Child's first home?

Bonus question, at what age do you kick them out of the house, or start charging rent?

Wayne

[vinito]

OK I'll bite.
Just to make this on topic, I'll say that you should buy your child's first lathe or milling machine once you feel they are old enough to learn how to use it safely. I wish I had that kind of early start.

My dad paid for my first car, half the insurance for it, most of the repair bills until I was on my own, and for college tuition and living expenses for the first three years, and my folks were not wealthy at all. They taught me to live pretty frugally, so I didn't blow these expenses up like a lot of kids I knew.
BUT... If I could do it over I wouldn't let him pay for any of these things. I would rather try my best to start as early as possible to learn how to make my own money and deal with it well so he and Mom could take a few well-earned vacations instead. I suppose the family situation makes a difference. I was fortunate to have really great parents with not a single deadbeat cell in their veins. I didn't fully realize the financial sacrifice they were making until my third year in college. There is a tradeoff that working takes time away from studies, but it becomes easier over time so starting early is a good idea. If I worked as a machinist part-time in college, I could have easily handled my expenses (back then, tuition and books were less than $1800/semester).
After my third year revelation, I "cut them off" and started trying to contribute in whatever way I could instead of bleeding them dry. They won't accept money so I had to get creative. By the time I got around to buying my first house, I made sure they didn't need to make another sacrifice.

Before you start to think I'm tooting my own horn, don't. I think I was stupid and irresponsible back then. I still feel regret that I didn't turn it around much sooner.

[vinito]

time stamp bump

[Sandy H]

My parents were true civil servants (i.e. teachers) and therefore had only a minimal amount of college cash. I asked for none, they gave $2500. I chose to go out of state, so it disappeared the first semester. I paid the rest myself.

I bought my first car at 13 and worked on getting it running until 16 1/2. They loaned me theiS10 or '66 Monaco as I required at their convenience.

My parents never paid my insurance, nor was I 'on their policy' at any time.

I purchased my first cell phone to call them at less than the rate of my regular phone company, since I moved out of state for college.

If they had spare money, they would have offered to pay for it all. If someone else had raised me, I would have accepted it. My parents raised me to be a responsible person and that is about all that stuck, I'd guess. My parents would likely not be happy with who I am, but society raised me after I went to college. I wish I was still that ‘glass bubble baby.’.

My parents taught me to give my all to others (i.e. they gave their all to me), but taught me not to take from anyone. That, in my mind, is a lesson we all need to have. The US would be better for us if everyone thought that way.

My parents are two of the best people any of us would be privileged to meet in any of our lifetimes.

Sandy.

[Bob-O]

Ok, here's my take as my 18 year old daughter started college last month.
1 Car - No, we did not buy her a car. She has been working and saving since her early teens. She was able to buy a $7000 1st vehicle herself, not too shabby in my book. I pay the insurance (DON'T ASK $), and we split repair costs. She had a minor fender bender, we split the cost to keep the insurance out of the picture. I was not given a car by my parents, I was given a job by my Dad in a machine shop. I bought a car, but Dad paid the insurance. I have always bought everything, including my first house, myself. I still have 2 boys (14 & 10) at home and they will be treated the same way. No free rides here.
2 - College I got a 1/2 scholarship to engineering school. Mom & Dad paid the other half. My Mom went back to work to pay for my and my sister's college cost. My wife put herself thru college. My daughter got more than 1/2 scholarship to college based mostly on academics, and some on sports (lacrosse). My wife and I are paying the remainder. We have always tried to live within our means when it comes to discretionary spending. We try to live off my income, leaving my wife's for the extras. Even so, the monthly tuition payment for my daughter is more than than the sum of my mortgage, property taxes, and homeowner's insurance. That comes out of my wife's income. If the boys get their act together, they will be treated the same. If not, local community college or I'll find a trade school for them.
When I graduated college, my friends all bought new cars, took fancy vacations, and paid rent. I worked 3 years, saved like hell, and bought my 1st house. I didn't buy my 1st new car until I was 30 years old. I'm very thankfull that my Dad was tough on my since day one because life is tough.
My $.02,
Bob

[This message has been edited by Bob-O (edited 10-05-2004).]

[wierdscience]

First the way I was brought up we had things that were required of us.These things were expected and required before an privleges like driving,going out on a date etc were given.

I was not given a car,I worked my way into a hand-me-down,key word here is WORKED,taking self incentive and painting the house,mowing the grass etc without being asked or otherwise provoked inabled this to happen.
My parents did im the begining pay the insurance,but in exchange maintence on ALL of the family vehicles fell to me as my responsibity,they bought the parts,I did the labor.
As for college,I didn't go,but my brothers did,they went through on scholorships and work,my parents did provide them with co-signature on a car.

As far as college is concerned,if your kid scores low on the exams or is otherwise a screw up,do us and them a favor and don't send them to college until they spend a few semisters in the school of hard knocks.Otherwise its a waste of money to send them to college.

I live at home with my folks,some people frown on this,but in times past children didn't leave home,they stayed home and took care of their parents when they got old.Like it or not we will all find ourselves in this situation.My parents will be 70 next year,it is my and my brothers responsibility to take care of them,not the government.I contribute to the household and share the burden of the work load,so will my wife if I should marry.

If you find one of your kids living at home remember the "whats expected" part of the formula.
As for the cell phone,they are okay for girls,boys should be able to fend for themselves.either way they should remember it is a mode of communication,not entertainment period.Plus there is no substitute for them being responsible,if you call them on their cell phone are they really at the library?

Down payment on a house?Never,they can have yours when you kick the bucket.Otherwise introduce them to the hard realities of life.After all at some point in time they WILL have to fend for themselves.If they don't learn they will live on welfare education or not.

[PeteM]

Looking back, I give my folks the lion's share of credit for whatever good has come of me. One thing they always managed to do was make sure I put some effort into things like those on your list. First car was bought with savings from a summer job; but an allowance from my folks let me save most of it. Insurance they paid. College was about a 50-50 deal, made easy by with help from both a co-op (work study) program and scholarships. First home, between undergrad and grad school, they helped with most of the down payment. I remain grateful for all they did and also for what they expected me to do.

[speedy]

Oh the joys of parenthood!! Firstly the biggest mistake we made was not allowing our children to take responsibility for themselves at the earliest oppertunity and I mean from as soon as they were able to communicate and comprehend. During a recent spat with the offspring it was suggested by the youngest son that he paid enough board and could come and go as he pleased and did not have to assist with the physical upkeep of the household and besides we were making plenty out of him. Well I saw red, said a few select words and retired to the garage to regain my composure. I returned and sat down with my son and put forward this suggestion: My wife and I would pay board to the son and he could take care of the finances,cooking,cleaning, washing, house maintainance and we would enjoy the our new found freedom, after all if there was profit in being a parent and charging board then we wished him to have some of that wealth. Well what a turnaround, suddenly the profit arguement he espoused no longer looked so attractive to him anymore We make mistakes in the upbringing of our children , no question, the big mistake we make is feeling guilty for our efforts. There comes a time when our children are their own person and the sooner we see that the better for all. We assist our children but do not stop them from faling over, how else can they learn to be adult?? There is more but that would be a loooong book and I`m sure others have a chapter or two of their own.
cheers, Ken

[BillH]

I never had my own car, its the families car, one of three. Many of my friends got new cars when they turned 16.
My parents are paying my full way thru college. Works for me.
Now, if you don't pay for your own childrens way thru college, thank you, the less people with a 4 year degree, the more mine will be worth.

[decoy91288]

I have a relatively simple answer to the questions based on personal experience with my parents and a lifetime of working with young people, first in the Army then as a high school teacher.
It makes no difference if a parent decides to pay all the expenses of college, car, insurance, etc nor does it matter if the youngster is put out on the street at the first opportunity or allowed to hang around for years -- so long as the PARENTS TELL THE CHILD WHAT TO EXPECT AND THEN STICK TO IT. Resentment and self pity result when a parent says they will (for example) pay for college, then at high school graduation beg off because "they just cant afford it." If that was going to be a possibility the kid needed to know as soon as possible. The same goes for such luxuries as cars, free rent, cell phones ad nauseum. The only part of the equation that counts is being absolutely consistent -- either willing to pay for whatever, or limiting the offerings, makes no difference -- just make sure that what you promise you give.