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OT: Some humour before the weekend

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  • OT: Some humour before the weekend

    My daughter just sent me this. A smile on your dial has to be good for you...yeah?.
    Ken
    -----------------------
    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
    together.
    One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began
    to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go
    get the farmer for help!
    Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
    and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town
    with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's
    new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with
    a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

    Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken
    arrive on the shiny Harley. The horse managed to get hold of the loop of
    rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear of
    the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the
    aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
    Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and
    the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

    The friendship between the two animals was cemented; best buddies, best
    pals.
    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into the mud pit and soon, he too,
    began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
    thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking
    underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he
    would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken took a good grip, and
    the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

    The moral of the story? .......................(Yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

    When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up
    chicks."
    Ken.

  • #2
    A woman decides she would like a parrot for a pet so she goes shopping at the pet store. She discovers that parrots are extremely expensive and is very disappointed as she cannot afford one. She asks the clerk if he has anything that costs less.

    The clerk replies that they do have one parrot that they haven't been able to sell. She asks him "why"?

    Well, he explains, this parrot used to live in a whorehouse and picked up some vocabulary that most people find objectionable. If you don't mind retraining it I will give him to you at half price.

    The lady thinks about that for a minute and decides that she can take a little vulgarity from the parrot until she is able to break him of the habit so she buys him. She takes him home and sets him up in his new cage. She takes the cover off the cage.

    The parrot looks around and says " Squawkk, New house, new madam". For a moment the lady is horrified but then begins to see the humor of it and decides it wasn't that bad. Then her two daughters arrive home from school.

    The parrot says "Squawkk, New house, new madam, new girls". This does upset the woman but the girls think it is funny and persuade their mother to keep the parrot.

    Later that evening the woman's husband Keith arrives home from work. As he walks in the door the parrot sees him and says "Hi Keith!"
    Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here

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    • #3
      Two machinists walk into a bar. The third one ducked
      You never learn anything by doing it right.

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      • #4
        DEFINITIONS

        AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

        You have two cows.
        You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You
        are surprised when the cow drops dead.
        _____
        A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION

        You have two cows.
        You go on strike because you want three cows.
        They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal someone
        else's cows and shoot the owner.
        _____
        A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION

        A farmer has two cows.
        You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international
        community to supply more.
        _____
        A JAPANESE CORPORATION

        You have two cows.
        You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
        produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images
        called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
        _____
        A GERMAN CORPORATION

        You have two cows.
        You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
        milk themselves.
        _____
        A BRITISH CORPORATION

        You have two cows.
        Both are mad.
        _____
        AN INDIAN CORPORATION

        You have two cows.
        You pray to them for food.
        _____
        AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

        You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
        You break for lunch.
        _____
        A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

        You have two cows.
        You count them and learn you have five cows.
        You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
        You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
        You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
        _____
        A SWISS CORPORATION

        You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
        You charge others for storing them.
        _____
        A CHINESE CORPORATION

        You have two cows.
        You have 300 people milking them.
        You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
        newsman who reported the numbers.
        _____
        AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

        You have two cows.
        The one on the left is kinda cute.. .
        Ken.

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        • #5
          Psychologist arrives at machine shop, driving a medium sized boxvan. Nothing inside van, except three steel bowling balls.

          Noble experiments:

          1) Put Forest A. inside with the three steel bowling balls, close the doors and open an hour later. Forest leaning on one wall, the three balls neatly lined up in a row on the other side of the van. Very nice, Forest.

          2) Put Evan inside, same balls, close doors, open an hour later. Evan sitting against one wall of the van, the three balls neatly placed in a triangle configuration on the floor. Nice, Evan, very accurate.

          3) Put Allistair H. inside, same balls, close doors, open in ten minutes. One ball is missing, the second ball is smashed flat, the third ball is neatly split in two. What the hell, Hosie, what happened to the balls? Mr. Hosie: 'Hey, don't look at me, those balls were like that when you put me in here'.

          G

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          • #6
            An implement dealer in Iowa drove up to a farm with the intention of selling the farmer a new tractor. He rung the doorbell and was invited inside by the farmer and his wife. Sitting in the corner on a very expensive easy chair was a three legged pig.
            The salesman went into his spiel, but curiosity got the better of him."Whats the story on that pig?" he asked the farmer. "Well. he saved the barn and all the animals in it from a fire." "Oh. My" said the salesman"How did he do that?"
            "Why that pig ran into the barn, opened all the stalls and got all the horses and cows out. Not only that, he turned on the water and got the hose and fought the fire until the fire department got here."
            "WOW. That's impressive!" said the salesman. "that's not all" said the farmers wife. "When I fell down and broke my hip, he ran out to the field and got my husband and then dialed 911."
            "That sure is an amazing animal.He must be very valuable" said the salesman.
            "You bet he is." said the farmer.
            "But tell me," said the salesman, why does he only have three legs?"
            "Well." said the farmer. "A pig that valuable, you don't want to eat him all at once."

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            • #7
              ...A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

              He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
              .
              "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill

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