No announcement yet.

That old chestnut again

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • That old chestnut again

    That time of the year again, sorry if you have read this before but we have some new members.



    Once upon a time a long while ago in a land far from the internet there
    lived three wise men. Their names were Frank, Darrin and Ray.
    Originally there were four but the fourth one, Judeas Alistair could
    never make up his mind if a lathe needed to be painted green, thereby making his
    wiseness null and void.
    So it came to pass that Darrin Frank and Ray were thoroughly pissed off
    with nothing to do at night having been banned from all the local bars
    in the area for either letchering, being drunk, fighting or fFranking
    out loud, but not necessarily in that order.
    Now Ray who could be classed as an up upmarket version of Jed Clampett
    leant on his zimmer frame and said " I'm pissed off" which proved he
    was a wise man as not everybody realises that there are two peas in
    "Lets do something exciting tonight". This caused a few moments
    hesitation and silence as our hero's try to remember what exciting is.
    The last exciting thing Frank can remember was putting pork scratchings
    in the Rabbi's handbag. Frank's hobby was fishing and he never liked the
    Rabbi because he considered the Rabbi had the best bait.
    After a few more moments silence Ray realised that he hadn't done
    anything exciting since Grade school when he stretched cling film
    over the bog in the staff room toilet and hid outside to listen to the
    headmasters version of rain on a galvanised iron roof.
    In his present position of bouncer at Mothercare life seemed a little
    " Lets go pick some women up" said Frank. "The last women you got
    picked you up and that was only because she drove the crane at the
    local foundry" said Darrin.
    "Lets follow that bright star in the sky". said Ray. "What are you
    some kind of a pratt?" asked Frank. "Well we haven't anything better
    to do". said Ray, which in a way summed up the whole of his life.
    "It's pointing towards the desert, how do we get across then?"
    "We'll hire some camels from that Dutch immigrant Hertz Van Rental".
    So they all troop over to Hertz's place to hire three camels. "How
    long will you be going across the desert?" asked Hertz. "Dunno said
    Frank, maybe three, four days". "In that case your camels will want
    watering up then". "What's that asked Ray? "Well you give the camels
    a trough of water to drink and just as it's finishing you creep round
    the back and squash it's bollocks with two house bricks, when it gasps
    with the pain it swallows two more days water" said Hertz.
    "What happens if it's a female camel? asked Darrin. "Well unless it's got
    a satisfied smirk on it's face forget the house bricks and use a yard
    brush instead" answered Hertz.
    So two tries later because Frank got his thumbs between the bricks
    see's our intrepid hero's on there way with a slight detour to Oasis
    Ben WallmFrank for supplies.
    Exit Ray carrying three bottles of Yousef Walker Red Label Whisky, 25
    six packs of Tureg Lager and three bags of smoky bacon crisps. "Bloody
    hell said Frank "what have you bought all those crisps for?"

    Anyway to continue with the story 'cause I'm getting a bit pissed off
    typing with one finger, our hero's cross the desert and arrive at a
    little Town called Bethlehem which was a bit like Pitsburg before they
    discovered smoke.
    Finding the one and only bar called "Two birds in the hand" because as
    everyone knows, one in Kate Bush is worth two in the hand, our
    travelers enter to enjoy a jar or seven.
    "This place is bloody crowded tonight, what's going on?" asked Darrin who
    is always the last to know anything. Ray asked a passing barmaid for
    an explanation but finds out that she's German and the only German he
    knows is "Tits un floppen mit der hand un kranken" which roughly
    translated means "Could you direct me to the cheapest brothel please".
    After further inquires are made it turns out that according to local
    hearsay the local Messiah will be appearing. "Well he's not liable to
    get much appearance money at this dump "said Frank. Thank God your an
    atheist said Darrin, "anyway I've got to go for a piss" and left by the
    back door to look for the bog. Whilst he's gone Frank and Ray get a
    couple of swift halfs in out of the kitty without Darrin knowing and
    stFrank looking at the local talent. "My God some of these are rough"
    said Ray "Yes and the women aren't much better, you need a dog
    licence for some of these". said Frank.
    Just then Darrin comes running back in "Quick come and have a look
    there's this bird dropping a kid out in the stable". "Piss off your
    pulling my leg said Frank.
    "No I'm not, straight up there's this bird dropping a kid in the
    stable". said Darrin. "If she has a misscarriage can I have the wheels
    off it for my zimmer frame? said Frank.

    So they all go out to the stable Darrin in front, then Ray followed by
    Frank because he'd stopped to finish everybody else's drink.
    Darrin and Ray walked into the stable to witness the birth followed by
    Frank. As Frank walks in he steps on a rake which hits him straight
    between the eyes. "Jesus Christ" he shouted sinking down onto one
    knee with the pain.

    "My that a nice name " said Mary "We were going to call him Evan"

    Any references to any persons living or dead is purely intentional

    PS. Have a nice one

    Sir John , Earl of Bligeport & Sudspumpwater. MBE [ Motor Bike Engineer ] Nottingham England.

  • #2
    Bless you my son.
    Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here


    • #3
      Thanks for the story,Sir John.BTW,didn't your local sherrif and Robin Hood have a bit of a tiff?


      • #4
        Oh man that paty was one wicked pissa
        I just need one more tool,just one!


        • #5
          I remember a simmilar story by SirJohn a LOOOONG time ago with a different
          set of characters. I also remember asking him about the followup he promised
          for Easter but never was forthcomming. :-) :-)
          Anyone else here remember that far back. ?
          Any comments John?


          • #6
            Good one John!
            I have tools I don't even know I own...


            • #7
              Hmmmph, irreverence and blasphemy!!