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Fart noise for a cell ringtone?? Got a joke?

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  • Fart noise for a cell ringtone?? Got a joke?

    OKAY, I give, I live in the most redneck part of the world,, WHY has bubba not come up with a fart ring tone.. PHFFT FART, HUK HUK,. answer that phone,,

    I carried a electronic fart machine around for about a month till I got bored, then gave it to a nurse who works in maternity ward locally.. SHE had so much fun she nearly wet herself a few times. Over the last 35 years Mikey and I have rubbed off on her I guess. Nothing like a woman with her knees apart and triggering one of them things.. a woman who has had a epidural probably would not notice passing gas..

    You heard a good one lately? I could use a laugh.
    Excuse me, I farted.

  • #2
    Here ya go David....
    Home, down in the valley behind the Red Angus
    Bad Decisions Make Good Stories​

    Location: British Columbia


    • #3
      One of the local toolmakers is about 6'6" and weighs about 250 #
      He does weekend work on the doors at local clubs, nice guy but looks mean.
      When his phone went off the other week i pissed myself with the tone.

      It makes a load hooting like a sub going down and this VERY LOUD voice says,
      "Warning I am stood next to a Wanker " "Warning I am stood next to a Wanker "

      You can't help but laugh when you see the size of this guy.


      Sir John , Earl of Bligeport & Sudspumpwater. MBE [ Motor Bike Engineer ] Nottingham England.


      • #4
        This has nothing to do with Cell phones , but a friend of mine told me he was asked not to wear his Boarder Patrol hat into a Walmart he frequents,Quote It bothers our employees,Unquote.

        He is 74 years old, and would never be mistaken for an B/P Officer.

        I want one now.


        • #5
          Originally posted by IOWOLF
          This has nothing to do with Cell phones , but a friend of mine told me he was asked not to wear his Boarder Patrol hat into a Walmart he frequents,Quote It bothers our employees,Unquote.

          He is 74 years old, and would never be mistaken for an B/P Officer.

          I want one now.
          I'll bet it would sure shorten the lineup at the hospital or the laundromat!
          Home, down in the valley behind the Red Angus
          Bad Decisions Make Good Stories​

          Location: British Columbia


          • #6
            Originally posted by Willy
            I'll bet it would sure shorten the lineup at the hospital or the laundromat!
            Perhaps even the wellfare line,or Foodstamp line.


            • #7
              ***Disclaimer--This post may contain non-polically correct content--turn back now if you're so inclined***

              On the radio today they announced that Ellen Degeneres had been found dead An apparent victim of drowning...

              Wait for it....

              She was found face down in Ricki Lake

              My apologies in advance...Sidegrinder


              • #8
                Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

                Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

                Here are the scorecards from the event:

                Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

                JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

                JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

                FRANK: Holy $hit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

                Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

                JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

                JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

                FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

                Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

                JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

                JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

                FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels likeI have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $hit-faced.

                Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

                JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

                JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

                FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

                Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

                JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

                JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

                FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F*ckin' rednecks!

                Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

                JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

                JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

                FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone!

                Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

                JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

                JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

                FRANK: You could put a f*cking grenade in my mouth, pull the f*cking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f*cking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like $hit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F*ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the f*cking 4 inch hole in my stomach.

                Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

                JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

                JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make. Poor Yank.

                FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
                "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


                • #9
                  I have a friend that has a tee shirt with this on it. He say when he goes into a truck stop in the US it clears the place.

                  Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here


                  • #10
                    The IRS sends an annoying auditor to audit a synagogue.

                    The auditor is going through the checks, and turns to the Rabbi and says, "I notice that you buy a lot of candles."

                    "Yes," answered the Rabbi.

                    "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

                    "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

                    "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question.

                    "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do ... with the crumbs from the matzo?"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

                    "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

                    "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? ""Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

                    "The Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
                    "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And... about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."


                    • #11
                      'Scuse me - but

                      Last edited by oldtiffie; 08-18-2007, 12:56 AM.


                      • #12
                        Ring tone? The voice of the sphincter, a ring-shaped muscle.
                        Weston Bye - Author, The Mechatronist column, Digital Machinist magazine
                        ~Practitioner of the Electromechanical Arts~


                        • #13
                          Nahh, I thought sitting around, a FART noise ring tone would get giggles from everyone. Imagine planting it under the mother in laws chair and calling it.

                          (I did that with the fart machine) MY lil white haired Christian mother in law did not even smile.

                          Jail? do most the guys in jail still make a "POOT" sound? I thought they just make a "whisshh" sound.. the sound of POOT or FART denotes a virgin? At 50 I still make a freight train horn noise when I pass gas.

                          THE main detraction of having a windshield and wind wings on the roadking? When you fart you get one or two smells at 60mph. I'd just as soon it blow away myself.

                 Redneck 911 call..
                          Last edited by Dawai; 08-09-2007, 12:00 PM.
                          Excuse me, I farted.


                          • #14
                            Don't kid us David at 50 you check your drawers each time you Fart. Don't ask me how I know.


                            • #15
                              NOW Wolfie...

                              I keep socks in my drawers.
                              Excuse me, I farted.