This is a play in two acts. I have written ACT I. You write ACT II. I’ll post the real ACT II after it happens.
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As we enter THE SHOP, sun is shining through the side window. The garage-style doors front and back are open and a gentle breeze is blowing through. It’s a nice day. PRACTICAL SELF and EMOTIONAL SELF are having a spirited discussion about the acquisition of a new piece of lathe tooling.
By this time, PRACTICAL SELF and EMOTIONAL SELF are sitting on shop stools, back to back. EMOTIONAL SELF pouts as he looks out the front door, PRACTICAL SELF is obviously annoyed as he looks out the door opposite as we
OK metalheads. You write ACT II.
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TANGENTIAL TOOLHOLDERS – EMOTIONAL SELF VS. PRACTICAL SELF
ACT I
THE SHOP
THE SHOP is a typical home machinist shop. It contains the usual light duty lathe, small milling machine and drill press, and the other bits and pieces commonly found therein. The shop owner is a reasonably neat person who puts his tools away at the end of each phase of each project. Nevertheless, tent spiders keep draping the windows with their craft, and there are oil stains and tiny bits of swarf on the workbenches.ACT I
THE SHOP
As we enter THE SHOP, sun is shining through the side window. The garage-style doors front and back are open and a gentle breeze is blowing through. It’s a nice day. PRACTICAL SELF and EMOTIONAL SELF are having a spirited discussion about the acquisition of a new piece of lathe tooling.
EMOTIONAL SELF
You know, I really want one of those tangential tool holders. They look like they would work well for me. I’m really tired of jerking around trying to get the right edge on toolbits, and this floppy old lathe chatters any time the moon is not full.
PRACTICAL SELF
(Projecting an air of frustration; sort of a “Here we go again,” response.)
(Projecting an air of frustration; sort of a “Here we go again,” response.)
Aw 'cmon now. We've been through this before. Last time I checked, you just HAD to have that Atlas 7-inch shaper and as I recall, you've only used it three times in SIX YEARS! You were whining for a Bridgeport, and before that it was a Monarch lathe or some such toy. You've done just fine without either of those and you don't need this overpriced toolholder. You haven’t even finished making all bits you need for your quick change toolpost.
EMOTIONAL SELF
(A little annoyed at the attitude of PRACTICAL SELF.)
(A little annoyed at the attitude of PRACTICAL SELF.)
I bought the shaper because I didn't have one, and the stuff I did with it couldn't have been done any other way. And I'm happy with the lathe and mill I have now. Those were just springtime urges. But I'm not happy with this toolpost setup. Think of how much better I could do if I had something that would let me sharpen toolbits with one quick whiz on the grinder.
PRACTICAL SELF
Look, those tangential toolholders have the cost/price ratio of a hearing aid. You’re doing this for fun, so taking time to properly sharpen toolbits should not be an issue. And if you can’t do it right, learn.
EMOTIONAL SELF
Yeah, but I looked at the video on the net, and those toolholders are really cool. I think one would solve my chatter problem.
PRACTICAL SELF
You want to fix your chatter? J.B.-Weld your lips shut. You need to learn how to use your tools.
EMOTIONAL SELF
(Starting to get angry now.)
(Starting to get angry now.)
Look, this is an ATLAS lathe. It’s going to chatter. That’s just the way they are. Every gib and bearing is tighter than an old maid’s grip on her virginity. I’ve honed my toolbits to scalpel sharpness and set them with a vernier height gauge, and that iron cow patty still chatters unless I light a stick of incense before every time I try to use it.
PRACTICAL SELF
(Speaking firmly and forcefully but not getting visibly upset.)
(Speaking firmly and forcefully but not getting visibly upset.)
Listen to what you tell your photography students. The quality of the work is no more related to equipment than the quality of a photo is related to the camera it's taken with. You just spent a hundred bucks putting a rectifier on that buzz box welder and your welds still look like turkey turds. Why don't you go take a machining class at City College and learn to use what you have?
EMOTIONAL SELF
Yeah, but if the lens on the camera is cut from the bottom of a pickle jar -- I’ve been working metal for over 20 years, and I think I know at least a few of the basics. Besides, think how much I would save on toolbits. I could make one quarter-inch toolbit last almost forever.
PRACTICAL SELF
The basics? The only useful thing you’ve made so far is three pads of steel wool. Look at your sig line, buddy. Furthermore, that toolholder is a hundred and forty bucks. How many quarter-inch toolbits could you buy for that kind of dough? If you want one of those goof-ball things, make one. You’ve got all the plans and photos you can find on the Net. If you just want to get rid of some money, put it in your IRA.
EMOTIONAL SELF
(Really mad now.)
(Really mad now.)
Life is for living. What am I supposed to do? Save all my money for a fancy plaque at the mausoleum? I made the extra cash on a side job, and putting it in my IRA isn't going to take one more day off my sentence at the asylum.
(EMOTIONAL SELF refers below to She Who Must Be Obeyed. EMOTIONAL SELF places emphasis on the following lines. )
Not only that, but my SWMBO wants me to have this. She likes my hobby and thinks its good for me. She goes with me when I travel to play with the toys I make and has just as much fun as I do.
PRACTICAL SELF
So you haven’t answered my question: why don’t you just make one?
EMOTIONAL SELF
You know the answer to that. My hobby is building a live steam locomotive, not making tools to make more tools. If I took on that philosophy, I’d be out there mining ore to smelt down so I could pour my own iron to make my own castings to make hammers and anvils so I could forge my own....
PRACTICAL SELF
(Interupts)
(Interupts)
You did that. You made your own lathe, and it came out pretty good, remember?
EMOTIONAL SELF
Yeah, but that’s why I bought this one. There’s only so much time in life and I’m already busy as a two-peckered possum.
PRACTICAL SELF
You made a lathe so you bought one? Being a man possessed of such superior logic, you should run for Congress! That toolholder is just a wallet magnet. If you’re going to spend that kind of money on a shop tool, why don’t you buy something that is worth that much? If the price was seventy-five or eighty bucks, it could probably be rationalized, but this thing is priced like it was part of a government contract. If you hadn’t seen the ads, you wouldn’t even know it was there and you’d be just as happy.
EMOTIONAL SELF
But I WANT a tangential tool holder.
PRACTICAL SELF
Suck it up!
By this time, PRACTICAL SELF and EMOTIONAL SELF are sitting on shop stools, back to back. EMOTIONAL SELF pouts as he looks out the front door, PRACTICAL SELF is obviously annoyed as he looks out the door opposite as we
FADE TO BLACK
ACT II
THE SHOP
(The next day....)
ACT II
THE SHOP
(The next day....)
OK metalheads. You write ACT II.
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