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  • OT/Your favourite old joke..

    Clean one that is..
    This time of year always reminds me of my all time favourite... outside at night, chopping wood to last the next day.
    Using my old heavy single bit axe!

    A city woman happens upon an old farm.
    She is very intrigued with the place.
    She drives in and strikes up a conversation with the old farmer sitting on the step.
    She gets him to show her around the old place with all its wonderful antique items from long ago in a much tougher time.
    At the end of the tour...she asks the old man what he thought was the oldest thing on the place.
    He thought for a moment...spat a stream of chew out the side of his whiskered mouth..
    And pointed to an axe that was almost beside them...stuck into a chopping block.
    "That right there...that's the oldest thing here by a long shot.
    My great grandfather built the first cabin in this valley...right behind this newer house...he built most of it with that axe."
    The woman looked at him like he'd lost his mind...
    She blurted... "But Sir..that axe looks like it is almost brand new.."
    He slowly drawled... "Well what would you expect Missy?
    The ol' thang has had 5 or 6 new heads and about 15 or 20 new handles over the years..."
    I have tools I don't even know I own...

  • #2
    ---Do you hear crickets??---

    --Doozer
    DZER

    Comment


    • #3
      "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
      not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car."
      Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

      Comment


      • #4
        A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

        The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

        'You talk?' he asks.

        'Yep,' the Lab replies.

        After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

        The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

        'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

        'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

        The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

        'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

        'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

        'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap..
        I'm in it for the parking....

        Comment


        • #5
          These three guys are about to gradguate from the FBI school. The instructor says there is one more test. This test is to see how well you follow directions. In the next room is a chair, a table and a gun. Your wife is sitting in the chair. The instructor tells the first guy to go in and shooy your wife. The guy says we just got married, and I can't do it. The instructor says you failed the test. The next guy has the same instructions. He says I just love my wife too much to do that, Ok says the instructor you also failed. Third guy goes in and they hear six shots, then silence. Then all of a sudden they hear screams, and crashing noises. The guy comes out. Says some sob put blanks in the gun. I had to kill my wife with a table leg. Stan

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          • #6
            Originally posted by torker
            Clean one that is..
            This time of year always reminds me of my all time favourite......"
            Russ, You need to start eating better, or drinking more, or ....?
            The realy sad thing is....You were proly laughing Your a$$ off while typing that.

            Steve

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            • #7
              The only joke my mom knows and it is old.

              What did the elephant say to the naked man......?

              .... How do you breathe through that little thing.


              I did not understand that when I was 3 years old.

              Comment


              • #8
                Have you been to that new restaurant on the moon?
                .
                .
                .
                .
                .
                .
                .
                .
                .
                .
                .
                .
                .
                .


                Great food, no atmosphere.
                --
                Tom C
                ... nice weather eh?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Paddy's Fingers

                  Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
                  cut off all 10 of his fingers.

                  He went to the emergency room in Cork hospital.

                  The doctor looked at Paddy and
                  said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

                  Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

                  'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
                  Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!
                  We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
                  I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

                  Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

                  And Paddy said,
                  ' And just how da feck was I 'spose to pick them up?? '

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Peter Neill
                    Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
                    cut off all 10 of his fingers.

                    He went to the emergency room in Cork hospital.

                    The doctor looked at Paddy and
                    said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

                    Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

                    'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
                    Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!
                    We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
                    I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

                    Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

                    And Paddy said,
                    ' And just how da feck was I 'spose to pick them up?? '
                    LMAO - The accents made that joke fantastic, sir. I applaud you. Unfortunately, I will be unable to retell the joke properly without spending some serious time "across the pond"

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      This made me laugh when I first heard it!

                      Man walks into a bank joins the queue for the cashier, he finally gets to her nad says " I want one of those F**#ing checkbook thingamies"
                      Taken aback she says WHAT!
                      " I want one of those F**#ing checkbook thingamies" he says.
                      She rushes off to find the bank manager.
                      He arrives says to the man "Juast what do you mena by speaking to my cashier like that"
                      The man says " I've just won the lottery and thought I would open a bank account"
                      The manager turns to the cashier and says " give him a F**#ing checkbook!"


                      Just about sums banking up!

                      Have a nice christmas one and all.

                      Peter
                      I have tools I don't know how to use!!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Knock Knock joke told to my by my 10 year old grandson.

                        Knock Knock.

                        Who's there?

                        The interupting cow.

                        The int MOOOO!

                        MBB

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          A young man on his first date with a new girl friend is desperate to impress her, but being somewhat nervous says to her,

                          "Do you like Kipling?"

                          To which she replied,

                          "I don't know, I've never kippled"

                          Malc.

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                          • #14
                            A man gets a call from the hospital,his wife was in an accident and was in a coma.He then sped over and was briefed on her condition.During a sponge bathe the nurse said everytime she goes around her privates the vital signs improve and they have an idea to bring her out of this state.They suggest to the husband that oral sex might just be the ticket...he was shocked...right here you have to be kidding?The hospital staff told him they would be in a private room and not to be nervous.The door closes and the doctor is watching the monitoring machine...minutes tick by with no improvement and then...beeeep.The patient stop breathing and the medical team came busting through the door...what the hell happened they shouted.The startled husband looked up and said...i think she choked.

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                            • #15
                              Personally, I prefer my humor in the visual medium. Linked samples.

                              XKCD
                              Bad Gods
                              Vexarr
                              Wondermark
                              Girl Genius
                              Air Force Blues

                              Doc.
                              Doc's Machine. (Probably not what you expect.)

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