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Shop Tool Humor

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  • Shop Tool Humor


    I thought I would try to inject a little humor into the forum.

    The following is something a friend of mine who is a shop owner sent me.

    I hope I am not violating any copyrights here and I have nobody to attribute it to.

    Hope it gives you a smile. It did me.


    > A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
    > snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
    > smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
    > room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
    > carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
    > Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
    > somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
    > removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
    > in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh,
    > ****!"
    > SKILL SAW:
    > A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
    > short.
    > PLIERS: Used to round off bolt
    > heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    > blood-blisters.
    > BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool
    > commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
    > refinishing jobs.
    > HACKSAW:
    > One of a family of cutting tools built on the
    > Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a
    > crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
    > influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    > VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
    > completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
    > available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
    > heat to the palm of your hand.
    > Used almost entirely for lighting various
    > flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also
    > handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
    > which you want to remove a
    > bearing race..
    > TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool
    > commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
    > integrity.
    > Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    > after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the
    > jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    > BAND SAW: A large stationary power
    > saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet
    > into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
    > can after you cut on
    > the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
    > A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
    > everything you forgot to disconnect.
    > Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
    > opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
    > on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
    > strip out Phillips screw heads.
    > opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
    > screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
    > PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the
    > metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove
    > in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    > A tool used to make hoses too short.
    > HAMMER:
    > Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
    > nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
    > most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
    > hit.
    > Used to open and slice through the contents of
    > cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
    > particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
    > liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
    > checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
    > slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    > Son of a b*tch TOOL:
    > Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
    > garage while yelling "Son of a b*tch" at the top
    > of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
    > you will need.




  • #2
    I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA we say BAAAAAAASTARD. ALISTAIR
    Please excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease


    • #3
      I laughed out loud at the last one... so true

      I just like to make stuff.


      • #4
        My german buddies used to curse in English cause it had more descriptive terms.

        I was amazed how many foul words they knew.

        When the old german brought his quart of beer into the break room to have with his lunch, they shut the plant down and called the police to take him away. Funny how there is so many difficulties working abroad.

        It came down to... do you want his senior expertise to make your german machine run, or .... From then on after a apology from the plant manager he got to drink his beer in his company vehicle daily.
        Excuse me, I farted.


        • #5
          Originally posted by Alistair Hosie
          I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA we say BAAAAAAASTARD. ALISTAIR

          I think the more words to build up to the final cuss the better. The 'son-of-a' just helps you build steam.


          • #6
            I always wanted to know why SON OF A BITCH is so popular in good old USA
            Dogs aren't particular about thier partners.
            Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here


            • #7
              That last one made me laugh out loud! A buddy, who used to work construction while putting himself through school, told of a guy hanging sheetrock on a job that accidently shot a drywall screw through his glove and into his bird finger. He let out a blue streak of cuss words and flung the driver across the room. He soon discovered that he needed it to back the screw out of his finger so he could get down from the ladder. He then had to get one of his crew members to stop laughing long enough to fetch the tool back and reverse it for him.
              Jim (KB4IVH)

              Only fools abuse their tools.


              • #8
                I was in the Navy, and when I am using certain adjectives and nouns in the shop, my wife refers to it as Navy language. It's very therapeutic.

                Mark Twain was a connoisseur of uninhibited self-expression, and here are a few quotes from him on the subject. Found at

                I was...blaspheming my luck in a way that made my breath smell of brimstone.
                - Roughing It

                ...quadrilateral, astronomical, incandescent son-of-a-bitch.
                - Letter to W. D. Howells, (attacking an enemy)

                The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still
                be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way.
                - Private and Public Morals speech, 1906

                There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have
                to repress an emotion like that.
                - Mark Twain, a Biography

                When it comes down to pure ornamental cursing, the native American is gifted
                above the sons of men.
                - Roughing It

                Let us swear while we may, for in Heaven it will not be allowed.
                - Notebook, 1898

                If I cannot swear in heaven I shall not stay there.
                - Notebook, 1898

                My swearing doesn't mean any more to me than your sermons do to you.
                - comment made to Rev. Joe Twichell, quoted in Mark Twain and Hawaii, by
                Walter Francis Frear

                Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances,
                profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
                - Mark Twain, a Biography


                • #9
                  Here is something to ponder:

                  Cursing is not a function of the normal speech centre of the brain. Frequently a person that suffers a stroke that leaves them unable to speak even a word in normal conversation can still swear a blue streak.
                  Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here


                  • #10
                    When the occasion calls, such as at the mother-in-law's meeting of the Womens' Guild, a good phrase to remember is "Daub and plaster the muddy bucket".


                    • #11
                      My mother never did get the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. -- Jack Nicholson

                      My Dad always said, "If you want people to do things for you on the farm, you have to buy a machine they can sit on that does most of the work."


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Evan
                        Here is something to ponder:

                        Cursing is not a function of the normal speech centre of the brain. Frequently a person that suffers a stroke that leaves them unable to speak even a word in normal conversation can still swear a blue streak.
                        Well fück me, you learn something everyday.


                        Sir John , Earl of Bligeport & Sudspumpwater. MBE [ Motor Bike Engineer ] Nottingham England.


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by John Stevenson
                          Well fück me, you learn something everyday.


                          I have as of yet, to find any one thing as effective for fast pain relief, anger control, or pesky person scattering, as swearing up a blue streak.


                          • #14
                            Swearing reduces pain.

                            I just like to make stuff.


                            • #15
                              Anyone seen the book "The F-Word"

                              Amazon link

                              A whole book (I'm sure there's been others in the past too) about the F word.

                              Product Description

                              We all know what frak, popularized by television's cult hit Battlestar Galactica, really means. But what about feck? Or ferkin? Or foul--as in FUBAR, or "Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition"?
                              In a thoroughly updated edition of The F-Word, Jesse Sheidlower offers a rich, revealing look at the f-bomb and its illimitable uses. Since the fifteenth century, no other word has been adapted, interpreted, euphemized, censored, and shouted with as much ardor or force; imagine Dick Cheney telling Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy to "go damn himself" on the Senate floor--it doesn't have quite the same impact as what was really said. Sheidlower cites this and other notorious examples throughout history, from the satiric sixteenth-century poetry of James Cranstoun to the bawdy parodies of Lord Rochester in the seventeenth century, to more recent uses by Ernest Hemingway, Jack Kerouac, Ann Sexton, Norman Mailer, Liz Phair, Anthony Bourdain, Junot Diaz, Jenna Jameson, Amy Winehouse, Jon Stewart, and Bono (whose use of the word at the Grammys nearly got him fined by the FCC).
                              Collectively, these references and the more than one hundred new entries they illustrate double the size of The F-Word since its previous edition. Thousands of added quotations come from newly available electronic databases and the resources of the OED, expanding the range of quotations to cover British, Canadian, Australian, New Zealand, Irish, and South African uses in addition to American ones. Thus we learn why a fugly must hone his or her sense of humor, why Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau muttered "fuddle duddle" in the Commons, and why Fanny Adams is so sweet. A fascinating introductory essay explores the word's history, reputation, and changing popularity over time. and a new Foreword by comedian, actor, and author Lewis Black offers readers a smart and entertaining take on the book and its subject matter.
                              Oxford dictionaries have won renown for their expansive, historical approach to words and their etymologies. The F-Word offers all that and more in an entertaining and informative look at a word that, while now largely accepted as an integral part of the English language, still confounds, provokes, and scandalizes.

                              "Sheidlower's 'The F Word' has provided inordinate delight and distraction from my normal working day."--The New Yorker
                              "It wasn't so long ago that the dear old F-bomb was barely uttered outside of private conversation, let alone written into literature or film or television. Here to educate you on its illustrious lineage--not to mention its present and future--is The F Word, a handsome, concise and erudite history of the term."--Very Short List
                              "Funny, yet surprisingly informative... The F Word is an encyclopedia for all things, well, f***ed."--Entertainment Weekly
                              "A meticulously researched 320-page hardcover reference tome, robust enough to sit alongside the OED."--SF Weekly
                              "The F Word is a gem in its lexicographical expertise and its scholarly explication. There will be nothing better, at least until Jesse Sheidlower produces a fourth edition."--Jonathon Green, editor of Chambers Slang Dictionary
                              "A thoroughgoing exploration of the most celebrated verb/noun/adjective/adverb/interjection/infix in English, with ample citations of its use over the past five and a half centuries."--John McIntyre, You Don't Say blog
                              "God bless lexicographers, you know? The F-Word is no thin bathroom book, either, but a meticulously researched 320-page hardcover reference tome, robust enough to sit alongside the OED." --SF Weekly
                              "Sheidlower's introduction undertakes a swift and no-nonsense debunking of some common myths about the word...This is vulgarity at its most erudite."--Inside Higher Ed
                              "The detailed lexicon of the word's many uses and compounds is fascinating."--Milwaukee Shepherd Express
                              "Investigat[es] every possible combination, situation, and divagation in which the most notorious expletive in English can be found. For a word that can't be printed in most newspapers, it's certainly leading a rich, full life." --Erin McKean, Boston Globe
                              "A must for anyone interested in the most notorious of English obscenities. This is not one of those pro forma 'revisions' that correct a few errors, toss in a few added items, and add a new preface; the text of the dictionary is twice as large as the second edition, over a hundred new words and senses have been added, and it now aims to cover the entire English-speaking world. This book makes me proud to be a part of a civilization that could produce such a thing." --Stephen Dodson, The Millions