Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[jugs]

Seen a few good ones doted about the forum, thought it maybe an idea to kep them in one place. What think you ?

I'll make a start -




The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwords, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.. Then, you will massage my feet and hands... Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'


A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
__________________




An engineer, a Surgeon and a Lawyer meet up for golf every Saturday. One week they find themselves behind the three slowest golfers they've ever come across and it's starting to bother them. They spot the owner of the course passing on his golf buggy and flag him down to ask how come the guys in front are so slow.

The course owner informs them that the three guys in front are firefighters, who were rescuing his daughter from their burning house when there was an explosion and they were all blinded. As a thank-you for saving his daughter's life, he allows them to play any time on the course for free.

"That's so sad" says the lawyer. "I'm going to pursue a compensation case for them free of charge."

The surgeon says "I'm going to speak to my buddy in the eye hospital and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer scratches his head and says "Why can't they play at night?"



Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions,
the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man.
'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies.
'She was here and you could have.'



An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great.How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof!
the light goes off.''Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?' 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!


Next...

[Peter.]

There was this guy round our way who used to go all around the world looking at old tractors and going to conventions etc. Years after he gave that all up he saved a bunch of people who were stuck in a burning building. He just opened the doors and sucked out all the smoke, then blew it out down the street. When they interviewed him later and asked him how he performed such an impossible and amazing feat he replied:














"It's simple - I'm an EX-TRACTOR-FAN"

[Deja Vu]

Thanks jugs!
My favorite so far...

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions,
the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man.
'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies.
'She was here and you could have.'

[Kenwc]

One of my favorites

One of my favorites:

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[rolland]

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[jack3140]

the old indian was feeling poorly so he went to see the doctor doctor found he was constipated so gave him a bottle of laxative and told him to take a tablespoon before bed and come back the next day next day the doctor asked did you move yet the indian replied no me no move the doctor then sais take three tablespoon before bed and come back tomorrow next day the doctor asked did you move yet same answer no me no move doc said drink the rest of the bottle and come back tomorrow next day doc asks you move yet ? indian says no me no move but me move soon teepee full of s..t

[smalltime]

Three guys show up early in the morning for a golf game.

Just as they are getting ready to hit, the starter runs out and says he has a fourth. All are dissapointed, 'till they see the golfer.

Out strolls a lovely blond lady carrying a bag of clubs. She greets them, and smacks a driver straight down the middle, past all three of them.

As the game goes on, she is doing great, and golfing as well as they are, if not better. When they get to 18, she hits on in regulation,and has a huge smile on her face.

They all get to the green and scan the puts, as the lady makes an announcment.

"If I make this put, it will be the best game of my life. If any one of you can give me the correct read for this put, I will give you oral sex."

First guy says, "dead straight uphill, don't leave it short."

Second guy says, "you really need to hit it left edge, not too hard."

Third guy looks at it for a few more seconds and says'

"Pick it up, it's a gimme."

[Bill736]

A ventriloquist was on his way to a show, and decided to stop at a farm and have some fun . He told farmer Brown that he can talk with animals , and they can talk to him. The farmer said "naw, I don't believe you ." The ventriloquist walked up to a horse, and said " Hello horse, how are you and how does this farmer treat you?" The horse apparently answered back " I'm ok, and farmer Brown treats me fairly well." Farmer Brown shook his head, and again said " naw, you can't really talk with animals." So they walked up to cow, and again the ventriloquist asked the animal how Farmer Brown treats him, and the cow answered back " he treats me fairly well". Farmer Brown still did not believe the animals were talking. Then they walked up to a sheep . Suddenly Farmer Brown's eyes got as big as saucers, and he yelled out " Don't you believe a word she says. Them sheep is liars !"

[Evan]

Condoms are commonly sold in three packs, 6 packs and an even dozen.

There is a reason for this.

The black studs buy the three packs and label them Morning, Afternoon and Evening.

The Italians buy the 6 packs and label them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc but never Sunday.

But the Englishmen buy the 12 packs and label them January, February, March......

[Jack F]

Older may be better

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.


Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[3jaw]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...
only two left."

[3jaw]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your blinding headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suitit fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion-Priceless!!!

[gvasale]

a man who is looking for a favor from a friend, and also to make some money. His friend is a moonshiner, and he asks if there is any product available. His friend says yes, but unfortunatly its not top quality. He advises to take it to the pharmacist to see if it toxic. The pharmacist says it is not good moonshine, and is slightly poisonous. The man asks, "How bad is it?" The pharmacist says " "it won't kill you, but it could make you go blind." The man says thanks and takes the moonshine with him. The pharmacist says" what are you doing?" The man says "I know someone who is already blind!"

[Spin Doctor]

But the Englishmen buy the 12 packs and label them January, February, March......

I thought it was 2001, 2002, 2003........................

[Spin Doctor]

The young Indian* boy asks his father how he got his name.
"Well my son as with your older sister and brother I named them after the first thing I saw when I stepped outside the tepee the morning you where born. Your sister I saw a deer prancing and so She is Deer Prancing. Your brother I saw a hawk soaring and so he is named Hawk Soaring. Why do ask Two Dogs Mating?

*OK Native American