Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[38_Cal]

How to raise a Jewish dog

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"

Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."

David

[saltmine]

I won't say there's a lot of stupid people in Kingman, just a few real stupid ones.

Dental hygiene has never been on the top of the list for most of our "lower classmen"....Did you know that the toothbrush was invented here? Yeah, had it been invented anywhere else, it would have been named a "Teethbrush".

We have problems with our juvenile delinquents, just like most everywhere else. The other day I was in the hardware store and watched one of the local "taggers" shop-lift four spray cans of "satin clear" enamel.

[38_Cal]

Tenjooberrymuds

I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds. My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem. Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line.

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and now you do, don't you?

David

[TGTool]

The season reminded me of this one.

The postman was beginning his deliveries just before Christmas and at one of the houses a very good looking woman meets him at the door. She says, "It's a cold day out there and you've got an extra load of mail these days. Why don't you come in. I've got a breakfast for you all ready."

Why not? So he goes in with him, she leads him to the kitchen and seats him at the table with a scrumptious breakfast, eggs, bacon, rolls, fresh fruit, the whole works.

As he finishes the meal and gets up she says, "You know, you work awfully hard and deserve something really special to perk up your day. How about taking a few more minutes, come into the bedroom and let's have sex."

What an offer! So he goes in and has a great round of vigorous sex with her. After getting dressed and thanking her, she's seeing him to the door when she stops him and says, "Just one more thing. This is for you." And she gives him a one dollar bill.

All this is just too much. He stops her and says, "Lady, I don't want to sound ungrateful because I really appreciated the breakfast and really enjoyed the sex with you, but I've got to ask, what's the deal with this dollar?"

"Oh," she says, "I was talking to my husband last week saying you've done such a great job of delivering the mail all year that we really ought to give you something for Christmas. I asked him what he thought was appropriate and he said "F**k him. Give him a dollar.' But the breakfast was my idea."

[gary350]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was that once you opened a door to a new floor, you either had to choose a man from that floor, or ascend to the next floor. You could not go back down a floor, except to leave the store, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the store to find a husband each.

First floor.

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign saying, "Well that's better than not having a job and not loving kids, but I wonder what's up further?" So up they went.

Second floor.

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.

[gary350]

Telephone ringing........Hello, this is the police department, can I help you?

GEORGE. My neighbor Fred is hiding marijuana in his wood pile. Some how he is hiding it inside the wood, not sure how he is doing it.

POLICE. Thank you very much, we will check into it.

The police arrive at the neighbors house with a search warrent and search the wood pile. They find no marijuana so they split each piece of wood into several smaller pieces. Finding no marijuana they leave.

Telephone ringing.........Hello, this is Fred.

GEORGE. Hi Fred did the police come to your house and split all of your fire wood for you?

FRED. Yes they did George.

GEORGE. Happy Birthday Fred.

[OKChipmaker]

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for thetraditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

[Arcane]

A friend sent me this and I bet it applies to a few of us here, a least a little bit.

Forgetter Be Forgotten?


My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke


For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the devil was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

[mike os]

hmm.... talking about me are we?

[Mcruff]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

****ed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he focuses his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his thingy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[Alistair Hosie]

You're thinking of the Scotsmen, Spin Doctor.
Wrong again they don't make condoms big enough for Scotsmen.Alistair a true Scotsman once I was asked is anything worn under your kilt Alistair I replied no miss it's all in good working order

[Rex]

A farmer knocked on the door of a neighboring farmhouse and a youngster answered his knock. The farmer asked: "Is your father or mother at home?" The child said that they were both in town.

The farmer then asked if his brother, Harold, was at home. The youngster said he was at the other farm doing chores.

The youngster said: "I'm nine years old, sir, and I know where all the tools and wrenches are located, so I can get that for you."

The farmer said he had a problem he had to talk to his father about. The farmer's daughter was pregnant, and his brother, Harold, was the father.The youngster looked the man in the eye for a minute and said: "I don't know what to tell you, mister, Dad gets $50.00 for the boar, $500.00 for the bull, but I'm not sure what he charges for Harold."

[oldtiffie]

Jocks 'n' stock

I am all but certain that a Kiwi put the OZ tag on this:

Aussie Poem....

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree. He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

[jugs]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!!



Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."




My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.




Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.




I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.




After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.Nothing.




A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."




Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think..





2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

john

[TGTool]

Darwin Awards

The Darwins are out!!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a
hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger
again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine
and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was
approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to
a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies..
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the
lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head
to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer..$15. [If someone
points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him unconscious The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event
was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive
ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The
clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without
a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR
STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for..
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and
family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant
relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope
they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce, and they vote!!!!!