Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[jugs]

Golf club sign

From another forum

Here is an actual sign at a golf club in Scotland, UK.....




1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.



WELL DONE...







NOW FLUSH THE URINAL,

WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

john

[bob ward]

A retirement joke.

Wife "What are you going to do today?"

Husband "Nothing"

Wife "But you did that yesterday"

Husband "I didn't get it finished"

[TGTool]

Sister Mary Ann's Gasoline

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

[Mcostello]

Dad took his Son nightcrawler hunting to get some worms for fishing. Teenage son was acting smart, Dad says if you are so smart, put one of these worms back in a different hole than it came out of. Son runs back to the house with a worm, trots back and pushes worm into a different hole. Dad said "How did you do that?" Son says "hairspray.) Dad runs back to the house, and reappears in a little bit quite happy, and hands the boy $10. Dad said that works great. Son asks why the $10. Dad says "Oh that is from your mother."

[Oldbrock]

Sister Mary and Sister LaChance are taking their usual morning bike ride around town and Sister Mary said "lets go this way for a change" and turned down a cobblestone street. Soon after Sister LaChance said "I've never come this way before". Sister Mary smiled and said "I know, it's the cobblestones.

[jugs]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were very impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

Milton, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. But thank you anyway."

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was nice, though. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious.

Thank you."

john

[David S Newman]

The Old Golfer

An old golfer in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar.

COLD BEER £3.00
HAMBURGER £3.50
CHEESEBURGER £4.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH £4.25
HAND JOB £40.OO

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

Yes? she inquires with a wide knowing smile. May I help you ?

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady are you the one that gives the hand jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with a wide smile and purrs "Yes sir, I sure am"
The old golfer leans closer into her left ear and says softly,
"Well wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger.

[jugs]

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her... But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' "Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

[jugs]

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Mazda convertible. It was wonderful and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop.
She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the fuel injectors," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How often should I do that?"

[jugs]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says, "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister," says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the wagon to the dog's "privates."

"Little girl," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[jugs]

The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.'

[SteveF]

School is out for the summer and a 9 year old boy goes across the street to watch a construction crew build a house. One of the workers calls to the boy "Hey, if you are going to be here you need to get to work". The boy says "OK!". Surprised by this answer the worker puts the boy to work cleaning up scraps and such and putting them in the dumpster. At the end of the day the workers decide the boy had done such a good job they all chipped in some cash to pay him. The next day the boy shows up and the workers put him to work again helping out and pay him at the end of the day.

By the end of the week the boy has a fair bit of cash so his proud mother takes him to the bank to open his first savings account. After opening the account and depositing the money, the banker says "You did very well for your first week of work. Will you be working again next week?". The boy replies "I will if those a$$holes at Home Depot remember to deliver the gawddammed drywall!".

[jugs]

A professor at Oxford University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his class, he asks, 'How many of you believe in ghosts?' 90 pupils raise their hand. 'Of those who believe in ghosts, how many think you've seen a ghost?' 40 pupils raise their hand. That's really good.
'Anyone here ever touched a ghost?' 3 ...pupils raise their hand. Fantastic. Now let me ask you one further question. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' At the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience'.

The Middle Eastern pupil replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have s*x with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said goat"

[jugs]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.


"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.


"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"


"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.












"YOU'RE GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE!"

john

[Bill736]

This joke is reportedly a real story once told by Art Linkletter, from his show "Kids Say the Darnest Things".
A young girl was in the front row of church on Easter Sunday, all dressed up in her fancy Easter best. The church pastor walked over to the girl, and complimented her pretty dress, and asked her if she was going to wear it again to church some Sunday. The girl shook her head "no" . The surprised pastor asked the girl why not, and the girl replied " Mommy says it's a bitch to iron".