Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[jtrain]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies", he responded.

"Oh ! Killing any?", she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she inquired, "How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[TGTool]

A turtle stumbles into the police station and tells them he's just been mugged by three snails. So they sit him down to calm him and take down details of the attack.

They ask, "Can you describe any of these snails who attacked you?"

"Gee," the turtle says, "I don't know. It all happened so fast"

[cuemaker]

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall???

"Dam"

[DATo]

An old couple went over to their friends house for dinner. The women went into the kitchen, and the men were talking.

"So," the host asks, "Where was that place that you went for vacation?"

The guest stops to think. "What's that flower called? It's red and has thorns..."

"Rose?" asks the host.

"Yeah!" then he turns and calls into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! Where did we go for vacation again?"

[Guido]

Machine shop psychiatrist

New shop hires a psychiatrist to evaluate the employees.

Psycho puts Sir John in an empty room, three large, heavy steel balls laying on the floor, closes the door. In 1 hour, psyco opens the door to find Sir J. sitting in a corner and the three large balls all lined up in a row.

Psycho then puts Evan in the room with the three steel balls, closes the door for an hour then opens and finds Evan sitting in the corner and the steel balls placed in an exact, perfectly/accurately placed equilateral triangle.

Psycho puts Dawai in the room, again with the three balls, closes the door, then opens in a short while, and finds Dawai sitting in a corner, but one of the steel balls is missing, another is smashed flat and the third is broken into a dozen pieces scattered about the room.

Dawai says to not blame him, cause those balls were just like that when they put him in there.

--G

[danlb]

A preacher walking along the street encountered a lady of the evening proposing to ply her trade. He was shocked, told her that he was a man of the cloth and proceeded to lecture her on the errors of her ways. Proceeding on home, he was much troubled by the incident and prayed about her far into the night.

The next morning he was walking down the same street when he saw the same woman again.

"Madam", he said, "I prayed for you last night."

"Well, Reverend, you didn't have to do that. If you'd phoned I'd have come right over."

[1-800miner]

A woman complains to her doctor that she has two green spots on her inner thighs,she has done everything she can think of and they won't go away.

The doc says"Lets take some tests and when the results come back next week I will call you"

Next week he calls"Before I tell you what I think is happening,I need you to answer a question.That woman sitting by you in the waiting room last week,would that be your girlfriend?"

Woman replies "why yes,how did you know I have a girlfriend?"

Doctor"You need to let her know that her ear rings are not real gold."

[Jack F]

Back in the olden days a southern lady takes her two daughters to the photo studio to have their portrait taken. The cameraman sets the two down in front of the scene then goes behind the camera and drapes the black cloth over his head and adjusts the lens. First little girl asks the other..."what he gona do"? The sister says..."he gona fucus". First little girl lets out a schreek then says..."bofus"?

Jack.

[DATo]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip and Sherlock says to Watson. "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce." Watson looks up and after awhile says, "Well the constellation Orion is in a position to suggest that we are in the northern hemisphere, and by following the handle of the Big Dipper I should say that we may deduce the direction of 'North', and also by the position of Venus over the horizon we can deduce that the sun will rise in about an hour and a half." Sherlock replies, "No Watson, you insufferable idiot, it means someone has stolen our tent."

[HWooldridge]

Two Cajuns, Monroe and Thibeaux, meet on the streets of Lafayette. After some chit-chat, Monroe says, "Say, mon, tole me wot you done give up for Lent dis year?". The other Cajun replies, "Well, I tink about it awhile an finally I give up whiskey and all dat devilish drinkin". Monroe replied, "Ohh, mon Cherie, no way I could do dat".

The two commiserate a minute then Thibeaux asks Monroe, "So, tole me now, wot you done give up for Lent? The other responds, "Well, I tink about it awhile and I give up sax wit de wife". His buddy remarks, "Ohh, mon, I tole you no way I could do dat". They commiserate a while longer then a long pause ensues.

Finally, Monroe says, "You know, givin up da sax is purty tuff. De udder day, de old lady, she bend over and I cannot help myself so climb right on." The other Cajun whispers in a hushed tone, "You know, pard, dey t'row you out de church for breakin' de vows an' dat stuff."

Monroe says sadly, "Well, I don't know bout de church but dey sure t'row you out McDonald's."

[batt-man]

Boy walks into school a couple of hours late and sits down at his desk.

Teacher says "Johnny - why are you so late getting to school?"

Johnny replies "sorry miss but my father got burnt this morning"

"oh no" says the teacher "i hope it's not too serious?"

Johnny looks at her and says "they do not piss about down the crematorium"

[neksmerj]

After the evening meal, Shaun announces to his missus, "I'd be taking meeself off to a fancy dress ball, by meeself. Just gotta pick up me Mickey Mouse costume on the way", and off he goes leaving his missus to clean up.

Shaun's missus is furious, and decides to go to the fancy dress ball by herself.

On the way she picks up a Minnie Mouse costume from the local shop.

At the ball, she spots Mickey Mouse, and asks for a dance. Before long, she leads Mickey outside, and takes him around the back of the hall. After a bit of heavy kissing, it's not long before a bit of hanky panky takes place, if ya know what I mean.

Later that evening, Shaun comes home to find his missus still up, waiting for him, looking rather disheveled and out of breath. "How was your night" Shaun asks? "Boring" she replies, "how was yours?"

"Top of the evening, top of the evening it was". "The only problem I had was the costume hire shop, he gave my costume to another fella, so I had to go as Donald Duck".

[neksmerj]

Shaun and Paddy are on a flight to Dublin, when the Captain announces "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are experiencing a problem with engine No.4, and will have to shut it down. There's no need for alarm, we can fly safely on 3 engines. We will be 15 minutes late getting in".

Ping, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a vibration in engine No.3 and will have to shut it down". There's no need for alarm, we can fly safely on 2 engines. We will be 30 minutes late getting in".

15 minutes later, Ping, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a vibration in engine No.2 and will have to shut it down". There's no need for alarm, we can fly safely on 1 engine. We will be 45 minutes late getting in".

Paddy leans over to Shaun, and says, "Shaun, I hope we don't lose the last engine, we'll be up here all night".

[duckman]

3 nuns are talking 1 says I saw our priest buying condoms, the second says I saw him put them in his bureau and I poked them full of holes, the third nun faints.

[DATo]

Divorce American Style

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "Really? What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph ..... "I've got the airbag!"