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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • financial planning

    Dan was a single bloke living at home with his Dad and working in the family business.

    When Dan found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his forthcoming fortune.

    One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary bloke," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my widower father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

    Three days later, she became his stepmother.

    Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

    Last edited by jugs; 06-20-2011, 03:03 AM.

    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


    • A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight."


      • Ok, enough of this.
        Oh, alright one more......

        A duck walks into a tavern.

        The bartender goes over to see what he wants..

        "What do you want?" the barkeep asks.

        The duck replies, "Have you got any crackers?"

        "No, I don't have any crackers." says the bartender.

        About an hour later, here comes the duck again.

        The barkeep meets him at the bar and says,"What do you want, this time?"

        The duck looks up at him and says,"Have you got any crackers?"
        "No! I don't have any darned crackers!" the bartender roars, " And if you come back here again asking for crackers, I'm going to nail your beak to the counter!"

        Sure enough, two hours later, the duck walks in, right up to the bar.

        "Now what do you want?" the barkeep yells.

        The duck calmly looks up at him, and says, "Have you got any nails?"

        "NO! I don't have any nails!" says the bartender.

        "Ya got any crackers?" says the duck.....
        No good deed goes unpunished.


        • A duck walks into a drug store, tells the clerk he wants to buy a condom.

          The clerk gets the condom and asks "will that be cash or credit card."

          The duck says "just put it on my bill."
          Lynn (Huntsville, AL)


          • Ole and Sven were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

            Ole said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."

            "What's dat, den?" asks Sven.

            "Send my lawn away to be mowed."
            "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


            • Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here


              • A modern day American Indian reservation in the West had lost their chief to old age and a new chief was installed. The old chief had known the ways of the wild and was locally famous for his ability to predict the coming winters with amazing accuracy.

                The new chief was younger and had not learned to read the signs. At the Autumn Council, as was their tradition, the Indians asked the chief about the coming winter. The chief, not wanting the people to be caught short, replied, "It's going to be cold. Start gathering wood."

                A few days later the chief called the National Weather Service and asked what the winter would be like and received the answer that "We expect a fairly cold winter."

                The chief went back and told the people to gather more wood in preparation for a very cold winter."

                A week later he called the NWS again and received the reply, "We expect a very cold winter with extended periods of snow."

                The chief told the people to gather anything that would burn in anticipation of an extremely cold winter.

                A week later he calls the NWS again and is told "We expect a severe winter with below zero temperatures, extreme snowfall and dangerous condittions."

                The chief asks, "How can you predict that this early in the season?"

                The NWS guy says, "Man, the Indians are gathering wood like crazy."


                • Always Listen Carefully‚Ķ
                  When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

                  Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

                  James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

                  Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

                  The beatings and thrashing continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 67 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
                  As Osama lay bleeding, in pain, and crawling away from the Pearly Gates, an angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

                  The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"


                  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


                  • A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

                    "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

                    "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

                    "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

                    "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

                    "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded
                    weakly in agreement.

                    "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

                    "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

                    "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

                    The others nodded in agreement.

                    "Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive"
                    Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada


                    • AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

                      An atheist was walking through the woods.

                      'What majestic trees!'
                      'What powerful rivers!'
                      'What beautiful animals!'
                      He said to himself.

                      As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

                      He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

                      He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

                      He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

                      He tripped & fell on the ground.

                      He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

                      At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
                      'Oh my God!'

                      Time stopped.
                      The bear froze.
                      The forest was silent.

                      As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

                      'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
                      'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

                      'Am I to count you as a believer?'

                      The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

                      'Very well', said the voice.

                      The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

                      'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen


                      • These are OLD CLEAN JOKEs from the 60s, they were called CLEAN JOKES. Anyone remember the Tony the Tiger GAS advertisement on TV from the 60s.

                        How do you get a Tiger in your fuel tank?
                        Kick him in the gas hole.

                        How to you catch a Polar Bear?
                        Cut a hole in the ice, sprinkle peas around the hole, when a bear comes to take a pea kick him in the ice hole.

                        Gene made a machine.
                        Joe made it go.
                        Frank turned the crank.
                        Art let a fart blew it all apart.

                        There was a real funny joke about the old woman diarrhea TV commercial I can't remember how it goes.

                        There were 100s of clean jokes these are all I remember.


                        • A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

                          In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

                          'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine? 'asked the solicitor.

                          Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

                          'I didn't ask for anymore details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question please. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

                          Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer, and I was drivin' down da road.... '

                          The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine, he was in fact Ok. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

                          By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

                          Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign, and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

                          Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his pistol and shot her right between the eyes.

                          Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in his hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

                          'Now in all honesty yo honor, wot would you say


                          • The doctor, upon hearing screaming from one of the hospital rooms entered and recognizing the dyslectic nurse yelled "No No, the chart says you were to prick his boil!"


                            • now I need to clean my monitor & keyboard...covered in coffee


                              • An old German farmer made a point to walk the 2 miles distance from his farmhouse to the local pub. A vicious dog lived near the path and would chase the old man every time he went by. The man finally got tired of this so he dropped a revolver in his pocket the next time out. As usual, the dog attacked but this time the farmer shot him four times. The dog ran back home and died under the porch. Unfortunately, the dog belonged to a local wealthy businessman who brought the farmer up on charges.

                                At the trial, the attorney for the plaintiff was questioning the old farmer, who was also very deaf, in an attempt to make him look bad. He asked the following:

                                Lawyer: Are you aware of the case against you?
                                Farmer: Nein, Ich hab nicht Case; only got a John Deere.

                                Lawyer (mildly annoyed): No, I mean do you recognize these grounds?
                                Farmer: Ja, of course, der grounds are mein 125 acres.

                                Lawyer (now perturbed): Sir, did you ever beat the dog up?!
                                Farmer (also starting to get mad): Ach no, dummkopf! Der damn dog vast up every time I valked by!

                                Lawyer (exasperated): Mr. Schmidt, can you tell us if you shot the dog in self defense?
                                Farmer (now smiling broadly): Nein, nein - Ich shot him in der ass und den he jumped de fence!

                                Judge: Case dismissed!