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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • Some simple things to make you smile.

    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
    quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
    standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
    hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
    they've lost the plot!!

    I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
    check her balance, so I pushed her over.

    A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
    refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the
    channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand
    the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

    My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
    local pet shop and they were £70!!! not likely I thought, I can
    get one cheaper off the web.

    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

    I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

    I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
    sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
    'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

    On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
    Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our



    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


    • President Clinton was walking along with a beautiful dog. A gentleman came up to the President and said, "My, what a lovely dog!" The President responded, "Thank you very much. I got it for Hilary." To which the gentleman said, "Nice trade."


      • Blonde Jokes again:

        Two blondes are caught in a big hailstorm, while driving.
        Their car has now little dents on the hood roof etc.
        They go to a body shop to see about getting it repaired,
        The guy looking at the dents notices how clueless these blondes are, are decides no he don't want anything to do with this job.
        So to get rid of them he tells them this is very simple to fix your'e self, just go home and then blow up the tailpipe real hard and the dents will just pop out.
        Oh how cool!! that is so easy, we can do that they say!!!
        At home the one blonde gets down and blows and blows as hard as she can,, the other is watching, and the dents are still there.
        So,,, she trys again and again, still nothing,, the dents are still there,, The other blonde, suddenly says WAIT,, your,e so dumb,,,,,

        LOOk,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and she points at the car,,,, "THE WINDOWS ARE STILL DOWN"!!!!!


        • The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
          "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

          Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ."

          Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"

          Obama: "Okay, I'll call Camaron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

          Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived.
          He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all colored with Union Jacks with small writing on each one: MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL


          I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


          • wrt the wonderful condom joke;

            During World War II, British soldiers discovered that placing a condom over a gun's barrel would keep the weapon dry and prevent it from corroding (near the sea) or icing up (in winter conditions).
            No such condoms existed for larger weapons, however, and it was suggested to Winston Churchill one day that 18" long specimens be made to cover larger artillery pieces.
            Churchill agreed, with two stipulations. First, the larger condoms would clearly be labeled "For Use By British Servicemen." And second? The condoms would also be labeled "Small"!

            i thought that was funny!


            • Guy goes into the public washroom to take a leak.

              Stands beside a guy at the next urinal,, and as he turns to leave he happens to notice the other guy has the word
              Swan" tattoed on his penis.
              Curious the the guy says , not trying to be nosey but just got a glance of the word "Swan" tattooed on your'e penis,, and wondering what the meaning of that was?

              The guy replies,,,, oh my girlfriend runs a tattooe parlour, and she did that,, it actually reads ,,, "Saskatchewan".


              • A blonde is driving down a country lane when she notices another blonde in the middle of a field in a row boat using the oars to get herself to the other side of the field.
                Fuming the blonde stops her car by the side of the road and storms up to the fence then starts shouting at the other blonde "YOU KNOW ITS STUPID DUMB BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE ALL US BLONDES A BAD NAME AND IF I COULD SWIM I WOULD PUNCH YOU ON THE NOSE"


                • Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favourite bar drinking beer.
                  Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'
                  Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
                  The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
                  'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
                  The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
                  'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
                  'That's true, I do have a yard.'
                  'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
                  'Yes, I do have a house.'
                  'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
                  'Yes, I have a family.
                  'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
                  'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
                  Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
                  'Logic? ' Doug says, 'What's that?'
                  Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
                  'Then you're a queer.'


                  • It was a rather loud disturbance in the wee hours of the morning outside the pub ... An Irishman wandered back and forth on the sidewalk into the street; onto the sidewalk and back into the street in front of the pub, hollering and swearing as he stumbled back and forth while holding half a pint in one hand and a key in the other...

                    A small crowd begins to grow and, finally, the constables arrive on the scene. Seeing that what they were dealing with is one rather inebriated and irate young man, one approached him and asked, "Can I help you lad?"

                    "Yesss, schur," the Irishman slurred. "sshumbody stoll me car!"

                    "Well now, lad," the constable inquires."Where was your car last time you saw it?"

                    Waving his car key in the air in front of him, as if to put it into the ignition, the Irishman "Wey, the lorst time I saw it it were at the eind of me key."

                    At about this time the other cop has noticed that the Irishman's zipper is down - and it's all there to be seen, so he quietly asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

                    The Irishman looks down, drops his shoulders woefully and moans "OOH ME GOD... they got me girl too!!!"


                    • THE DEAD PARROT
                      At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Seٌor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

                      "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

                      "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Seٌor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

                      "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

                      "Si, Seٌor, that's the one."

                      "That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

                      "From eating the rotten meat, Seٌor Rod."

                      "Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"

                      "Nobody, Seٌor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

                      "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

                      "The thoroughbred, Seٌor Rod."

                      "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

                      "Yes, Seٌor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

                      "Are you insane? What water cart?"

                      "The one we used to put out the fire, Seٌor."

                      "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

                      "The one at your house, Seٌor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

                      "What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

                      "Yes, Seٌor Rod."

                      "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

                      "For the funeral, Seٌor Rod."

                      "WHAT FUNERAL???!!!"

                      "Your wife's, Seٌor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.

                      SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

                      "Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep do-do."


                      • (this just in from the CarTalk guys)

                        A little, silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

                        Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

                        The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

                        Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

                        She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

                        He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

                        "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

                        He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

                        "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
                        Lynn (Huntsville, AL)


                        • Saw this, you gotta laugh...

                          Obama frustrated.. kicks door in... ALL in good humor...
                          Excuse me, I farted.


                          • Some sentences in letters written to councils in the UK (nearly English):

                            1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

                            2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

                            3.. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

                            4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

                            5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

                            6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

                            7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

                            8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

                            9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

                            10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.

                            11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

                            12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

                            13.. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

                            14.. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

                            15.. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

                            16.. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

                            17.. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something
                            about it.

                            18.. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on
                            top of me every night.

                            19.. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

                            20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

                            21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

                            22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

                            23.. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.


                            I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


                            • Stopped at the traffic lights today and this mini bus full of muslims pulled up at the side of me.
                              Suddenly there is a big squeal of brakes followed by an enormous crash and an 18 wheeler runs right into the back of the mini bus killing all the occupants.

                              I was overwhelmed with shock and grief, I thought that could have been me.

                              So I went and enrolled on a HGV driving course..............

                              Sir John , Earl of Bligeport & Sudspumpwater. MBE [ Motor Bike Engineer ] Nottingham England.


                              • Rattle Snakes!

                                Two men were out hunting. One of the men has to take a leak and goes over behind a tree starts to pee. Then his friend hears a loud scream so he goes over to his friend behind the tree. The man is laying on the ground writhing in pain. He says a rattle snake bite him on the end of his penis. The fit friend says he will go get the doctor. He runs back to camp, jumps in his truck and drives to town to get the doctor. He finds the doctor and tells him his friend has been bitten by a rattle snake. The doctor tells him he is on his way to deliver a baby and he can't come but that he should not worry. All he has to do is go back and make two slits on the teeth marks and then suck out the poison and his friend will be fine. He asks the doctor what will happen if I don't do that? The doctor tells him in all probability your friend will die!

                                So he drives back to camp and then hikes back and finds his friend. The man asks did he find the doctor and what did he say?

                                He replies, " He says you are going to die."
                                Location: The Black Forest in Germany

                                How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!