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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • A primate biologist finds an orphan male gorilla in the African rain forest and decides to raise it as a human. He teaches it to do everything except speak - but it can wear clothes, dance, eat with utensils, drive a car, go to the office and work, play golf, etc. Arnold Palmer reads about it on CNN and decides enough is enough so he challenges the gorilla to a golf game for a grand pot of one million dollars and a bonus of $100,000 per hole. Word leaks out and the media shows up from all over the world, headlines blaring, "Arnold Palmer vs. Ape Man - Match of a Lifetime!"

    The gorilla shows up alone except for the biologist, who acts as his interpreter. Palmer shows up with over fifty people in his entourage. The gorilla is wearing a complete set of golf togs, accurate down to his shoes and has a complete set of Callaway golf clubs. Arnold is pretty disgusted so he readily agrees to let the gorilla go first. Hole 1 is a 430 yard, par 5, with three sand traps and a dogleg to the left to make par. The gorilla steps up to the tee, checks the wind, and proceeds to hit a massive drive, which sails out to make a vast hook to the left and eventually drops to the green, finally rolling perfectly to make a hole in one.

    Arnold is smart enough to know a good thing when he sees it and quickly decides discretion is the better part of valor so he concedes the match. After the press departs, he quietly pulls the biologist aside and says, "He drives like no one in the history of golf - how is his putting game?". The biologist replies a bit slyly, "Same way, 430 yards, dog-leg to the left."


    • An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

      What majestic trees!

      What powerful rivers!

      "What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

      As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.

      He ran as fast as he could up the path.

      He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

      He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.

      He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

      At that instant the Atheist cried out:

      "Oh my God!..."

      Time stopped.

      The bear froze.

      The forest was silent.

      As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:

      "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

      The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

      "Very well," said the voice.

      The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

      Lord, bless this food,
      which I am about to receive
      from thy bounty
      through Christ our Lord,


      • Dear Lord,

        This Year You Took My Favorite Actor, Patrick Swayzie.

        You Took My Favorite Actress, Farah Fawcett.

        You Took My Favorite Singer, Michael Jackson.

        I Just Wanted To Let You Know, My Favorite President Is Barack Obama. Amen
        Location: The Black Forest in Germany

        How to become a millionaire: Start out with 10 million and take up machining as a hobby!


        • A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed off if it's not ready on time."
          When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a tin of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
          She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
          "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?"
          Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.
          "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?
          Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
          The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his arse."
          All of the gear, no idea...


          • Obama walks into a bar with parrot on his shoulder.
            The bar tender says, Where did you get that?
            In Africa.......... they are all over the place says the Parrot.

            I would rather have tools that I never use, than not have a tool I need.
            Oregon Coast


            • A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny from New York. I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.

              "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

              "Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.

              "What's this?" the boss asks. The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedabout it......"

              "Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."

              Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."

              The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?

              Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree'n dirty tree' n dirty tree-dat's 99".

              The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."

              Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."

              The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"

              New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a crap on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd - which makes a hunnert. Bada boom, bada bing. When do I freakin' start?"


              • So five blokes go for a job on a building site.
                There is Wack who comes from Liverpool, Mick who comes from Northern Ireland, Paddy who comes from Southern Ireland, Mac who comes from Scotland and a coloured gentleman from Jamaica.

                So the foreman explains the hours, facilities and the fact they will be on a months trial and have to work the first week in hand.

                All nod OK except the coloured gentleman who tells the foreman he's flat broke and needs to pay his rent and can he have an advance.

                Forman turns round to the others and says

                "Mick, Mac, Paddy, Wack, give the wog a loan.


                Sir John , Earl of Bligeport & Sudspumpwater. MBE [ Motor Bike Engineer ] Nottingham England.


                • Stolen from Brownell's web newsletter:
                  There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve poles.Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!""Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground."


                  • tee time

                    A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

                    The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

                    The man turned to his wife and said:

                    "Open your mouth, honey, and show him."


                    • Give a man a fish you feed him for a day.
                      Teach a man to fish and he will be too busy fishing to realize you are fooling around with his wife.
                      Last edited by Abner; 09-14-2011, 09:16 AM.


                      • A couple had been trying, for years, to get pregnant. They had used all sorts of techniques and home remedies, but couldn't afford the new medical procedures.

                        Finally the woman announced she was pregnant at a social gathering. A gentleman congratulated her and told her a story. He said he used to be in the egg business and that he was having an awful time getting the hens to lay. Finally, out of desperation, he said he got a new cock, and everything seemed to work out fine.

                        Hmmm, said the woman, what a coincidence.
                        Last edited by Jim Caudill; 09-14-2011, 12:36 AM.
                        JHC Dayton, OH


                        • A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the
                          > woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
                          > "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
                          > "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
                          > "Look around,"said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
                          > size, color and material imaginable.
                          > "Actually, even with all of this variety,
                          > there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."
                          > Relieved, the man asked about the types.
                          > The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
                          > Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
                          > Which one would you prefer?"
                          > Now totally befuddled, the man asked about
                          > the differences between them.
                          > The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. .
                          > The Catholic type supports the masses;
                          > The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
                          > The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
                          > The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
                          > Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
                          > to define bra sizes?
                          > If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it
                          > is about time you became informed!
                          > (A} Almost Boobs...
                          > {B} Barely there...
                          > {C} Can't Complain!...
                          > {D} Dang!...
                          > {DD} Double dang!......
                          > {E} Enormous!...
                          > {F} Fake...
                          > {G} Get a Reduction...
                          > {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...
                          > Send this to all who will appreciate it!
                          > They forgot the German bra:
                          > Holtzemfromfloppen


                          • Bra

                            And the Arkansas one - Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder.
                            Kansas City area


                            • Pitt vs Chicken?

                              Who blinked first the pitt bulldog or the chicken.. the pitt ran like hell.

                              I keep expecting someone to "steal" this beautiful healthy dog for a dog fighting ring.
                              He's the same color as mine, looks like him, acts like him with a pleasant nature, listens when you talk, and understands a lot more than is possible..

                              Still funny as hell, the chicken ran him a block..
                              Excuse me, I farted.


                              • Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

                                On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
                                "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

                                "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

                                Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

                                There's also the half-wit.He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

                                "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

                                "That'll be me then," said Paddy.


                                I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing