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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • A couple of nurses are discussing the patients on the ward. The older nurse comments to the younger "Did you notice that the handsome young man with the broken leg in #27 has his initials "SN" tattooed on his "member"? The younger nurse replies "Those aren't his initials, it spells Saskatchewan..."
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    • No, it doesn't spell just Saskatchewan...it spells SASKATOON SASKATCHEWAN!

      And my leg has healed up very well, thank you!
      Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

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      • Originally posted by Arcane
        No, it doesn't spell just Saskatchewan...it spells SASKATOON SASKATCHEWAN!

        And my leg has healed up very well, thank you!
        BRAGGART lol

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        • How can you tell if there is an elephant hiding under your bed?
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          His tricycle will be in the driveway.

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          • Killer Biscuits Wanted for Attempted Murder (the actual AP headline)


            Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of breaddough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

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            • An old gal likes to hang out in the Alzheimer's ward at the nursing home. On Monday morning, she stops three gents heading her way. "I bet I can tell how old you are just by feel," she claims. "I'd sure like to see that!" one of the gents answers. So she shoves her hands down the front of his pants, noodles around for a minute, then pronounces, "You are 87 years old."

              "That's amazing! How do you do that?" he asked. "You told me, last Thursday."
              I'm here hoping to advancify my smartitude.

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              • A beautiful young blond driving a brand new Masseratti parks in front of a bank in downtown Manhattan and goes inside.
                She goes up to the bank manager, and says to the manager,
                "I need to fly to Europe, and am a little short of funds, would you loan me $2000?"
                The manager replies that they might be able to do that if she has some collateral to guaranty the loan with.
                She points the Masseratti out to the manager and asks, "Would you be willing to accept my car as collateral?, It cost about $500,000 when I bought it last week."
                The manager, amazed, and somewhat suspicious that someone would be willing to put a car like that up as collateral for such a small loan, tells her,
                "Yes we will accept the car as collateral, but we'll have to take possesion of the car until the loan is repaid."
                The young woman agrees, gives the manager her car keys, gets her $2000 and flys off to europe.
                After she leaves, the manager investigates the blonds background and finds out that she comes from a very prominant, wealthy family, has millions of dollars of her own, and is even more amazed and that she needed to borrow a measly $2000 when she could have withdrawn a thousand times that from her own bank.
                Two weeks later, the young blond walks into the bank, and repays the manager the $2000 she had borrowed plus the interest due.
                As the manager hands the young woman her car keys, his curiosity gets the better of him, "You come from a very prominent and wealthy family, and are very rich yourself, may I ask why you needed to borrow $2000 from our bank?
                The young blond just smiled, and replied, "Have you ever tried to find parking in Manhattan?"
                I cut it twice, and it's still too short!
                Scott

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                • Gary 350,

                  How do you tell there has been a female elephant in your bedroom?
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                  Your mattress is missing and there is a quarter on the night stand!

                  When I first heard that joke it was a dime, but that was 20 years ago.

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                  • A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.

                    The foreman grins at the bear and says .....



                    "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
                    John

                    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

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                    • Lizard Birth

                      If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

                      I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

                      Here's what happened:

                      Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

                      "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?"

                      I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

                      "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

                      "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

                      I was equally outraged.

                      "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

                      "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

                      "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

                      "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

                      "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

                      By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

                      "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
                      "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

                      We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

                      "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

                      "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

                      "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

                      "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

                      "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

                      "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

                      "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

                      "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

                      The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

                      "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

                      "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

                      I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

                      "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

                      "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.

                      We were silent,absorbing this.

                      "So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

                      "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

                      More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

                      Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . .. its . . . teeny little . .. .."

                      She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

                      "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

                      "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

                      "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

                      Two lizards: $140.

                      One cage: $50.

                      Trip to the vet: $30.

                      Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

                      Priceless!

                      Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

                      Lizards lay eggs!

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                      • What do elephants use for kotex?
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                        Sheep.

                        Why do elephants have long trunks?
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                        To get the sheep out!
                        Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

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                        • ONLY IN BRITAIN - COMPLAINTS TO LOCAL COUNCILS….. Extracts from letters written to local councils:

                          1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

                          2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

                          3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

                          4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

                          5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

                          6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

                          7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

                          8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

                          9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

                          10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

                          11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

                          12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

                          13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

                          14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

                          15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

                          16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

                          17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

                          18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

                          19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

                          20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

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                          • Early one morning, as I was getting out of bed, I heard a noise in my back yard, coming from the tree.

                            As I looked out the window, I spotted a large, hairy, gorilla perched in the branches.

                            "What am I gonna do?" says I. "I know, I'll look in the "Yellow Pages", under Gorilla Removal..."

                            Sure enough, there were three specialists in my area, so I called the first one. He assured me that he was an expert in removing gorillas from people's trees, and that he'd be over in a few minutes.

                            When he arrived, I noticed that he brought with hima pair of handcuffs, a 12 gage shotgun, and a huge dog.. He explained his dog was part of the team, and the dog's name was Fred.

                            He handed me the shotgun and the handcuffs. "OK, I'm gonna climb up there in the tree with the gorilla." He explained carefully." and you stand there with Fred."

                            "Now, I'm gonna start shaking the tree, and when the gorilla falls out, Fred will run over and grab him by his jewels. When he reaches down to protect his junk, you slap the handcuffs on him, and I'll put him in my truck and take him away." Sounds like a good plan....

                            "What happens if the gorilla shakes you out of the tree?" I asked...

                            "Shoot Fred." he answered.
                            No good deed goes unpunished.

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                            • What's brown and sticky?



                              A stick.
                              If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

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                              • These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival forist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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                                Mahatma Gandhi was a really super kind of guy, and as you know he walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... a super, calloused, fragile, mystic hexed by halitosis.

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