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  • Want to hear the real joke?

    Originally posted by Mad Scientist
    ONLY IN BRITAIN - COMPLAINTS TO LOCAL COUNCILS….. Extracts from letters written to local councils:
    1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
    2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
    3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
    4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
    5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
    6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
    7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
    8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
    9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
    10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
    11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
    12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
    13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
    14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
    15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
    16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
    17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
    18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
    19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
    20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
    I don't know about the UK, but in the States, they allow people like this to vote. Indeed, encourage them, transport them, instruct them, to vote. Totally dependent on the government, and incapable or too lazy to lift a finger to improve their lot. Feckless...

    Sorry for the rant.
    Weston Bye - Author, The Mechatronist column, Digital Machinist magazine
    ~Practitioner of the Electromechanical Arts~

    Comment


    • it's a bit long.... sorry

      Dearest creature in creation,

      Study English pronunciation.

      I will teach you in my verse

      Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

      I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

      Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

      Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

      So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

      Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

      Dies and diet, lord and word,

      Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

      (Mind the latter, how it's written.)

      Now I surely will not plague you

      With such words as plaque and ague.

      But be careful how you speak:

      Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

      Cloven, oven, how and low,

      Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

      Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

      Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

      Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

      Exiles, similes, and reviles;

      Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

      Solar, mica, war and far;

      One, anemone, Balmoral,

      Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

      Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

      Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

      Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

      Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

      Blood and flood are not like food,

      Nor is mould like should and would.

      Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

      Toward, to forward, to reward.

      And your pronunciation's OK

      When you correctly say croquet,

      Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

      Friend and fiend, alive and live.

      Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

      And enamour rhyme with hammer.

      River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

      Doll and roll and some and home.

      Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

      Neither does devour with clangour.

      Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

      Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

      Shoes, goes, does.

      Now first say finger,

      And then singer, ginger, linger,

      Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

      Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

      Query does not rhyme with very,

      Nor does fury sound like bury.

      Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

      Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

      Though the differences seem little,

      We say actual but victual.

      Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

      Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

      Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

      Dull, bull, and George ate late.

      Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

      Science, conscience, scientific.

      Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

      Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

      We say hallowed, but allowed,

      People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

      Mark the differences, moreover,

      Between mover, cover, clover;

      Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

      Chalice, but police and lice;

      Camel, constable, unstable,

      Principle, disciple, label.

      Petal, panel, and canal,

      Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

      Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

      Senator, spectator, mayor.

      Tour, but our and succour, four.

      Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

      Sea, idea, Korea, area,

      Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

      Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

      Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

      Compare alien with Italian,

      Dandelion and battalion.

      Sally with ally, yea, ye,

      Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

      Say aver, but ever, fever,

      Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

      Heron, granary, canary.

      Crevice and device and aerie.

      Face, but preface, not efface.

      Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

      Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

      Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

      Ear, but earn and wear and tear

      Do not rhyme with here but ere.

      Seven is right, but so is even,

      Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

      Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

      Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

      Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)

      Is a paling stout and spikey?

      Won't it make you lose your wits,

      Writing groats and saying grits?

      It's a dark abyss or tunnel:

      Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

      Islington and Isle of Wight,

      Housewife, verdict and indict.

      Finally, which rhymes with enough,

      Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

      Hiccough has the sound of cup.

      My advice is to give up!

      Comment


      • this originally had pics with it ..
        will just give you one pic so you know who im talking about



        There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

        Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

        The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
        He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


        The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

        At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

        The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

        The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

        'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

        'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
        Last edited by aboard_epsilon; 10-21-2011, 02:15 PM.

        Comment


        • Supersex

          A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
          she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

          She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
          him, she said, "Supersex."

          He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,

          "I'll take the soup."
          John

          I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

          Comment


          • How do you get a tiger in your gas tank.
            .
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            .
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            .Kick him in the gas hole.
            .
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            .
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            .
            LOL...does anyone remember the Tony The Tiger TV Advertisements and Jokes from about 1967 to 1968? This is the only one I remember. Most of those jokes were to stupid to be funny.

            Comment


            • How do you get a Polar Bear off of your ice flow?
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              .
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              Chop a hole in the middle of the ice flow, put some peas around the hole. When the Polar Bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.




              Sorry but the previous joke reminded me of this joke my dad used to tell years ago.

              Jack.

              Comment


              • An old sailor decides he wants to re-live his youth, so he dons his sailor's outfit and heads down to the docks.
                Once there, he is at a loss for something to do. he thinks back, then says to himself 'I remember, I used to visit a prostitute - that's what I'll do today!'
                He find himself a prostitute, haggles a price and pays up-front, then gets down to business.
                After a lot of huffing and puffing he says to the girl 'Not bad for an old sailor eh - how do you think I'm doing?'
                She says 'You're doing 3 knots I'd say'
                '3 knots?'
                'Yep' she replies 'You're NOT hard, you're NOT in, and you're NOT getting your money back!'
                Peter - novice home machinist, modern motorcycle enthusiast.

                Denford Viceroy 280 Synchro (11 x 24)
                Herbert 0V adapted to R8 by 'Sir John'.
                Monarch 10EE 1942

                Comment


                • A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, " $200 are you out of your mind ?"

                  Comment


                  • A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?”

                    The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

                    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry,’ and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

                    At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

                    He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

                    The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
                    He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

                    The Monkey looks down and says “DUUUUUUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
                    ----
                    Proud machining permanoob since September 2010

                    Comment


                    • Know Your Shop Tools - Part 1

                      These are definitions of common tools found in and around the shop.

                      In fact every tool on this list has been in my shop at one time or another.





                      123 Blocks:

                      Interesting tool used in the setups on milling machines. All the ones that I have are defective; the holes do not allow a standard 3/8-16 bolt to pass through to allow them to be bolted to the mill table. Trying to drill the holes larger is a good test for the strength of drill bits. The also only seem to come in one size.

                      7X10 Mini Lathe:

                      A collection of parts to make a lathe. Some assembly is not required, but disassembly is! After many hours of cleaning and modifying is known to become a good serviceable lathe. Sold by just about every tool supplier under their own name in a variety of colors.



                      7×12 Band Saw:

                      A metal cutting band saw that has a unique stand designed to wobble and dance when running. Those that are not fond of dance, quickly replace or redesign the stand. Also known for its ability to produce smoke from its motor to test the shop smoke detectors. The built in vise is designed to frustrate the operator with its inability to hold small or short items being cut. See also 7×10 Mini-Lathe, substitute Bandsaw for the word Lathe. This is one of the most used tools in my shop.



                      Adjustable Crescent Wrench:

                      One size fits all, but you will need multiple sizes. Used for Metric and SAE Bolts and Nuts. Closely related to Pliers and Vise-Grips, in its ability to round off nuts and bolts.



                      Alan Key Wrench:

                      They come in many sizes Metric and SAE. They come in many different hardnesses. Hard ones snap off while soft ones round off. The ones of the correct hardness have a tendency to round out the Allen head screws. A special variety comes with a plastic T handle that has the ability to slip in the handle. I have been told that this is to prevent you from over tightening the Allen Head screw or set screw.



                      Ball Peen Hammer:

                      A Hammer with one usable end, the other end is shaped like a ball so you know not to use it. Common features include loose handles that float in the hammer head.



                      Central Pneumatic Air Tools:

                      These are static display models of real air tools. They are very life-like and can usually be picked up cheap. They look good spread around your shop, and are designed to fill your tool box until you can afford real air tools.



                      Cutting Oil:

                      Designed as an insect repellent for the shop. High sulfur content oils work best. When heated they release a pungent smoke and odder sure to run everything out of the shop. Also good for testing the smoke detectors in the shop, or as a reminder to the wife that you are working in your shop if said shop is located in your basement. Also used to coat the walls behind your lathe in nice patterns that paint will not cover up.



                      Drill Chuck Key:

                      These come in many sizes. One of the unique things about them is that no two drill chucks use the same size key. Much shop time is spent by the shop owner searching for a key that approximately fits the drill chuck they are using.



                      Drill Press:

                      A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hand, spinning it around and smacking you in the knocks with said metal. Also good for raising burs on your drill bit shanks if you do properly clamp your work piece to the table.



                      DRO:

                      Often sought after add on to the milling machine, and lathe. No machine has ever been designed to have one added, and no two installations on any machine are the same. Scales are sold in different lengths none of which is what is needed for the machine.



                      Electric Hand Drill:

                      Used to shorten drill bits. Also used to spin pop rivets in their holes. Almost every model I have has a button on it that keeps the drill from turning off when you are drilling a delicate hole. I believe there is a federal requirement that it be placed within easy reach of your finger or thumb while holding said drill.



                      E-Z Out Bolt Extractor:

                      Known for its hardness which allows it to easily grab a broken bolt. Common practice is to drill a hole in the broken bolt, insert E-Z Out into the hole. Attach wrench or socket and turn counter clockwise. It will grab and break off even or below the drilled hole. This works good in preventing anyone from removing the broken bolt, and the ability of anyone attempting to re-drill the hole out. known to be harder than any drill bits in the shop.



                      George:

                      George is a 4 foot long pipe designed for the insertion of Open End Wrenches, or Ratchet Handles into one end. The other end can be leaned on, jumped on, or hit with a hammer. It has the ability to test the strength of most tools, and fasteners. Common tests performed would be to test the ability of a ratchet to slip before the test bolt snaps off. Another common test is to test the ability of a bolt or nut to not round off before the wrench slips off, bends, or breaks. My Grandfather had a similar tool, mine is a little bigger and longer.



                      Hacksaw:

                      A cutting tool designed to not follow a line. It defies science in that a force in one direction causes an equal or greater force in the opposite direction. Also good at removing skin from knuckles from blades breaking.



                      Hand Taps:

                      Designed to fill drilled holes with an item harder than most drill bits, to prevent someone from re-drilling the hole at a later time.



                      Machine Parallels:

                      Common use for supporting workplaces in the milling machine vise. Come in varying heights and widths. An interesting feature is that once machining has started they will move to a location directly under the drill bit, or into the path of a milling cutter. Due to their hardness they are designed to as a audio alert the operator when the drill bit or cutter has broken through or cleared the work piece. This is usually followed by the operator speaking in french to confirm the operation.



                      Micrometer:

                      A tool similar to a C-Clamp, only useful on flat parallel surfaces. They have a tendency not to clamp well on uneven surfaces. Common problems are handles that slip easy which will not allow them to tighten them down all the way. The frames are known to bend and spring if tightened too tight. They have a very small clamping range and are very expensive. I recommend a good set of C-Clamps.



                      Mini Mill:

                      Sold by many manufactures in many colors. This mill is known for its ability to strip gears in the head. It also has a unique feature of a floating head that allows it to move about while milling. The more precise the finish you need the more the head moves. Also see the 7×10 Mini Lathe, substitute Mill for the word Lathe.



                      Needle Nose Pliers:

                      Designed to not be able to hold on to much of anything. Also known to always be too fat or short to reach any given part.



                      Open End Wrench:

                      Come in a variety of sizes, Metric and ASE. Used in the toughing up of knuckles. Also has the ability to disappear at will. It is common for all wrenches of the same size to disappear at the same time. Other common uses are the insertion of the wrench into a long pipe (See George) to allow the removal of bolts by snapping them off instead of unscrewing them.



                      Oxyacetylene Torch:

                      Used in the home shop for heat treating, loosening stuck parts, welding and cutting. Can deform parts very quickly. Also good at testing nearby objects flammability.



                      Pliers:

                      Sometimes used with the wire wheel to hold parts. They improve the chances of throwing parts across the room. Universal in that they work for both Metric and SAE bolts and nuts equally in their ability to round off the heads. They come in many sized and shapes.



                      Propane Torch:

                      A small torch found in many home shops, mainly designed for plumbing work were it works well on setting studs and rafters on fire. Usually does not develop enough heat for use in heat treating. The shop owner can usually be found testing its ability to not heat something hot enough.



                      Pry Bar:

                      A lever primarily used to test the operators ability to stack odd items under it fulcrum point, then test his balancing ability to stand or bounce on its raised end. Works well at deflecting, deforming or driving into the ground any item placed at its fulcrum point.



                      Quick Change Tool Post:

                      This tool is designed by the manufacture as a sales tool to sell their matching tool holders. No two lathes in any shop will contain the same type or size.



                      Screwdriver Philips Head:

                      This tool is good for changing Philips screw heads into secure rounded out screw heads that can no longer be removed.



                      Screwdriver Standard:

                      This is a good tool for enlarging the slots in common screws. Also useful as a pry bar, or for stirring liquids.



                      Shaper:

                      A highly sought after machine that is not made any longer. Features include incredibly long machining times. Complex set ups, and hard to find parts. No metalworking shop should be without one.



                      Sherline Lathe and Mill:

                      These are small versions of their bigger brothers sometimes costing as much, if not more. They are designed to teach the shop owner that larger is usually better. However they do not teach the shop owner the art of moving heavy rigid equipment.

                      Comment


                      • Know Your Tools Part 2

                        Had to split this in two parts.


                        South Bend Lathe:

                        An older lathe that is highly sought after by many people, based on rumors that they were highly accurate based on the number of them being used and sold. Know to be badly worn and in need of repair. More hours are spent rebuilding these lathes than using them in most cases. In most cases an old South Bend is kept as a 2nd lathe as you need another to build the repair parts.



                        Sheet Metal Snips:

                        Used in an attempt to make persuasion cuts in sheet metal. Also see Hacksaw



                        Slip Jaw Pliers:

                        These are a flawed design that has been around for a long time. In fact they are named after their main flaw, and most manufactures advertise them as such. That flaw/feature being when you need to hold something tight the jaws slip to the next larger size rendering them useless for holding the object you are trying to hold. Also good at rounding off the heads of bolts and nuts.



                        Taig Lathe and Mill:

                        See Sherline Lathe and Mill!



                        Trouble Light:

                        A device with a long extension cord designed for the destruction of the common 60 watt light bulb.



                        Tweezers:

                        A tool for removing metal splinters from your body. Also works well for launching small parts across the room.



                        Vise:

                        Used to deform parts and mar said surfaces while attempting to working on them. If designed with a swiveling base, the included locking mechanism will only clamp hard enough to keep the base from spinning with a little less force than is needed. The tommy bar on said clamp is always made of a grade of metal that will allow it to bend in such a way that you will not be able loosen it with out it bending, or binding in such a way to further keep the user from loosening or tightening the clamp.



                        Vise-Grips:

                        Generally used to finish the job for the job of rounding off of bolts and nuts. that an adjustable wrench or pliers did not complete. They have the ability to lock onto an item just hard enough so they will not self release unless hit with a hammer



                        Welding Gloves:

                        These are designed to give you a false belief that you can touch something hot without getting burned. In fact their design is interesting in that once you touch something hot the glove heats up, retaining the heat in a prolonged transfer to your hand. Trying to remove the gloves once they are heated seems to be directly related to the amount of time it takes to get the glove removed from your hand.



                        Wire Wheel:

                        Used in the cleaning or rust and paint removal from small parts. Randomly throws said items across the room at incredible speeds. Sometimes the parts are thrown so fast that they disintegrate on impact. I have seen this happen many times in my shop as the part is never recovered, even though its impact with something was heard. Also works well at removing skin from fingers, and testing your ability to withstand holding hot items. Another common use is to test your ability to remove wire splinters from multiple locations of you body with tweezers.



                        WD-40:

                        This is an attempt lubricant. A quick dissipating lubricant used in the attempt to keep two surfaces from sticking, or rusting. Sold in both spray cans and liquid form.



                        I hope your enjoyed these and hopefully picked up a tip or two along the way!

                        Dale

                        Comment




                        • The recession has hit everybody really hard...

                          My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

                          Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

                          CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

                          Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

                          A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

                          I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

                          If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

                          McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

                          Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

                          Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

                          My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

                          A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

                          A picture is now only worth 200 words.

                          When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

                          The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

                          And, finally....

                          I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
                          Guaranteed not to rust, bust, collect dust, bend, chip, crack or peel

                          Comment


                          • In the days when males dominated the test pilot profession a flight was scheduled when he became quite ill and couldn't fly.The missus didn't want to lose the money and suited up concealing her hair.The flight went well but she landed with a thud hitting her head and was knocked out.On awakening two people were pushing down on her chest saying"Don't worry- as soon as we get your testicles down you penis will probably come out too"

                            Comment


                            • Last evening I picked up a very attractive woman who was walking along the road.
                              As we exchanged smalltalk about ourselves, she mentioned that she was a Witch!
                              Since I don't believe in the supernatural, I scoffed at her statement.
                              She informed me, in no uncertain terms, that she could cast a spell that would turn me into whatever she desired!
                              To convince me, she leaned over and whispered a spell in my ear, and......

                              I turned into a motel!

                              Comment


                              • I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.
                                I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
                                He says "No, why you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?
                                "No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my damned beer you little prick!"

                                Comment

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