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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • Two guys are invited to a costume party and have arranged a very fancy costume as a cow, one being the front legs and head and the other taking body and back legs.

    Since this is somewhat awkward traveling to the party they take a shortcut through a local farmer's field. About two thirds of the way across the first guy, the only one who can see much of the surroundings comes to an abrupt halt. "What's the matter?" says his buddy from somewhere underneath.

    "I just realized there's a bull in this field. He's pawing the ground and looking very interested in us."

    "What do we do?" the other answers. "Can we make it to the fence?"

    "That fence is quite a long ways off yet. Oh, hell. Here is is heading over our way."

    "For Chrissake man, what are our options?"

    "Well, I'm going to try to be real casual and bend over like I'm eating grass. You better brace yourself."
    "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


    • A chap visited the doctor for a certain problem he had, namely hemorrhoids. The doctor explained that there was a treatment, usually fairly effective. "Have you ever used suppositories before?" the doctor asked.

      "No, can't say I have."

      "Well, they're used by placing them just inside your (ahem, cough) 'rear entrance'. Try these out for a week, come back and we'll see how you're doing."

      The next week the chap was back again and the doctor asked if he was experiencing some relief.

      "No," he said, "Can't say I have. I did just like you told me. Our house doesn't have a back entrance so I put them just by the side door but I could have shoved them up my arse for all the good that did."
      "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


      • Comment

        • Found this on another forum.

          A man goes into a confessional after many years away from the Church. He pulls the curtain aside, goes in, and sits down to wait. He's surprised to find a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, fine wines, Guinness on tap, imported cigars, and imported chocolates. On the wall are photographs of buxom young women who seem to have lost their garments.

          As the priest enters, the man begins, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. My last confession was a very long time ago, and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest answers, "Get out- you're on my side!"
          Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada


          • A drunk man heading home stops off at the church to use the bathroom.

            He goes in and sits down, The priest seeing him go into the confession box goes into the other side and waits, And waits. Finally the priest knocks on the wall to let him know he,s there,, and the drunk in his slured speech replies ,, " no sense knockin Bud, there,s no ass wipe on this side either"!


            • Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch.
              Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
              As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said:
              "How bad is it Doc?
              I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a Virgin - in every vay."
              The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal & keep it straight.
              It should be okay next week, but leave it on there as long as you can."
              He took four tongue depressors & formed a neat little 4 sided splint & taped it all together...
              quite an impressive work of art!

              Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena... married her... & they went on their honeymoon to Duluth.

              That night in the Motel 6...
              Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
              She said, "Olaf... you' re the first vun!
              No vun has EVER seen deez."

              Olaf immediately dropped his pants & replied,
              "Look at dis Lena, still in DA CRATE!"
              NRA Life Member


              • Another Confessional Joke

                Little old man wanders into church and enters the confessional. The priest opens the sliding partitioning window and says, "Tell me what's on your mind my son." The little old man says, "I'm 79 years old and last week I married a 22 year old woman. She's beautiful! she's voluptuous! Oh !!! what that woman does to me in bed no man has ever experienced before. It's sublime, it's the greatest sex a man could ever imagine!!!" After considering awhile the priest says, "All in all I don't think this is too serious. For your penance say four Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers." The little old man says, "What's with the prayers? I'm Jewish." The priest says, "JEWISH???? Then why are you in here telling me all this?" To which the little old man replies, "Telling YOU? I'm telling EVERYBODY !!!"


                • Hard up

                  THE PHARMACY SISTERS

                  A Harley rider walked into a drug store in Waco , Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

                  She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

                  The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

                  The biker then agreed and began by saying ........

                  'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection.

                  It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

                  The pharmacist said .....'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

                  When she returned, she said ....... We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

                  1/3 ownership in the store .........
                  A company pickup truck ........
                  Five home cooked dinners a week ........
                  And $3,000 a month in living expenses.


                  • No Sunday Paper:

                    This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

                    "WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

                    The irrate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her edition was.

                    "Madam", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

                    There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..

                    ..."Well, sh*t, that explains why no one was at church either.


                    A mate and I went to the bar the other day.

                    We were sipping beers and I pointed to two old drunks who were sitting across the bar from us.

                    I told my pal, "That's us in about 10 more years!"

                    "Shut up, you idiot," he said. "You are looking into a mirror."


                    Irish Math Test

                    A Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

                    Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

                    "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

                    "What's this?" the boss asks.

                    "Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

                    "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

                    The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

                    The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

                    "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

                    The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

                    The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

                    The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

                    The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
                    So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

                    The boss gave up and hired the Irishman.



                    • Two guys stop by a local bar, to have a drink before they go home.

                      While they're sitting there, one guy looks up, and tells his buddy,"See those two old drunks over there? That will be us in about 10 years."

                      "Shut up, you idiot, that's the mirror." says his buddy.
                      No good deed goes unpunished.


                      • A blind man walks into a bar.
                        He picks himself up muttering 'Damn dog!'
                        At the end of the project, there is a profound difference between spare parts and left over parts.

                        Location: SF East Bay.


                        • Beer no Evil

                          On the Supermarket PA system:
                          'Clean-up on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

                          A husband and wife are shopping in their local Store
                          The husband picks up a case of Lager and puts it in their trolley.

                          'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

                          'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.

                          'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

                          A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

                          'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

                          'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

                          Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Lager and it's half the price.'

                          He never knew what hit him.
                          I have tools I don't know how to use!!


                          • MERRY CHRISTMAS

                            Holiday Warning!

                            Please, take care of yourself.

                            A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

                            This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and sh*t like that.

                            Therefore, beware of those who do NOT drink alcohol as they cause three times as many accidents.

                            This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.



                            • Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.

                              Women like quiet men because they think they are listening.

                              On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.

                              There are easier things in life than finding a compatible woman. Nailing Jell-o to a tree for instance.

                              Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

                              For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

                              E-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm."

                              George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

                              Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.

                              When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

                              Men know that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she would probably save the infant's life, without even considering whether there were men on base.

                              It is silly for a woman to go to a male gynecologist. It is like going to an auto mechanic who has never even owned his own car.

                              A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

                              I want a woman that enjoys sports and is interested in cars, and doesnt wear a lot of cutsey makeup. Unfortunately, most women like that are lesbians.

                              To successfully keep robbers out of your house put six locks on your door. When you go out, lock every other one. No matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

                              I belong to Bachelors Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

                              I think, therefore I am single.

                              Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die

                              There's a very fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

                              A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

                              If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands.

                              The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

                              Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

                              If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, what the heck ... free dummy.

                              If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

                              One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

                              If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

                              It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.

                              If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

                              It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

                              "Jesus Saves!" ... Then passes to Moses ... Then to Abraham, now back to Moses, then to Isaac ... He SHOOTS ... {{{{{HE SCORES}}}}} !!!!

                              Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just get the hell away from me.

                              Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

                              If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

                              6/21/2002: Kelly Hill, asst Attorney General of Arkansas, who was interviewed for a story about the recent Supreme Court ruling that the mentally retarded should not be executed, said "People who would be considered mentally retarded in Arkansas might not be considered retarded in, say, Mississippi"


                              • Husband: Oh, come on.

                                Wife: Leave me alone!

                                Husband: It won't take long.

                                Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

                                Husband: I can't sleep without it.

                                Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

                                Husband: Because I'm Hot.

                                Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

                                Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

                                Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

                                Husband: You don't love me anymore.

                                Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

                                Husband: Please...come on

                                Wife: All right, I'll do it.

                                Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

                                Wife: I can't find it.

                                Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

                                Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

                                Husband: Oh, yes.

                                Wife: Is it up far enough?

                                Husband: ! Oh, that's good.

                                Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
                                Do it yourself.