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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • #16

    This took place in Charlotte North Carolina .

    A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

    The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

    Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.


    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

    This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


    • #17
      The lawyer/cigar/arson story is an ancient urban legend.

      From Snopes:

      This legend began its Internet life after it was posted to the newsgroup alt.smokers.cigars in early 1996, and it has continued to circulate as a "true story" in newsgroups and e-mail ever since, despite its having been identified as an "urban legend" when it was first posted. The version posted was, in fact, nearly identical to one that has been circulating since at least the mid-1960s:
      Rumor: Man insures his cigars against fire, then tries to collect after smoking them.
      Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here


      • #18
        Thanks for a great story Jugs.
        Don't worry about Evan, When he sees a campfire he just HAS to pee on it.

        Nothin' but love Evan


        • #19

          If you have older men in your life please pass this along so they don't fall
          prey to this. Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at
          the mall and in parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for

          A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Sam's
          Club customers. This one caught me by total surprise. Over the last month I
          became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get
          supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to
          think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

          Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls
          come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They
          both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
          almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
          When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you
          for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the
          way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
          and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

          I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
          20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
          26th & 28th, three times on the 27th during the Black Friday Sale, and very
          likely again this upcoming weekend.

          So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
          older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

          By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper
          ones for $1.99 at Kmart but I bought them all out. Also, you never will get
          to eat at McDonalds, but I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and
          forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Sam's.

          Excuse me for a few moments....I have to get a box of 10-24 X 1" Socket head cap screws at Lowe's...What the heck, I think I'll get them one at a time.
          No good deed goes unpunished.


          • #20
            Originally posted by Evan
            But the Englishmen buy the 12 packs and label them January, February, March......
            Originally posted by Spin Doctor
            I thought it was 2001, 2002, 2003........................

            You're thinking of the Scotsmen, Spin Doctor.
            Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada


            • #21

              I was going to get a female friend of mine a set of those daily underwear you know Mon.,Tues., etc. but then I remembered that she likes to ride Harley so I got her 12 pack you know Jan., Feb., March, etc.


              • #22
                Originally posted by Evan
                The lawyer/cigar/arson story is an ancient urban legend.
                As indeed are you

                I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


                • #23
                  A headache story.

                  The patient, a well known drug addict, went to the Emergency Department complaining of a headache. After a history and physical the patient was straightforward in requesting Dilaudid pain pills. The physician was a bit reluctant to give this known drug addict any strong narcotics and suggested a different therapy. The doc said "when I get a terrible headache at work (no doubt from dealing with assholes like you) I go home and have my wife draw me a warm bath. While I'm soaking she will wrap my head with the hottest importrd Turkish towel I can stand for five minutes. Then she'll massage my scalp with some scented oils. Afterward we retire to the bedroom for some lovemaking and when I awake, it's like magic, my headaches gone. I suggest you try this". The drug addict was pissed off he wasn't going to score and ran out the door cursing.
                  Surprisingly a week later the druggie came back in. He said "dammit doc I was so pissed off when I took off from here I though about slashing your tires or something. But I got to thinking maybe the old man was on to something. So I got the old lady to run me a bath, wrap my head, massage my scalp, then screw the bejeebers out out of me and damned if it didn't take care of my headache. I just don't know how to thank you enough.". The doc said "its quite alright, just glad I could be of service to you." the drug addict said back "by the way, you have a really nice house".


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by smalltime
                    Thanks for a great story Jugs.
                    Don't worry about Evan, When he sees a campfire he just HAS to pee on it.

                    Nothin' but love Evan
                    Dont worry I'm thick skined. He does seem to pi$$ a lot of people off though ! Still a man needs a hobby.

                    Lets try & keep this thread a happy place.

                    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


                    • #25
                      once was a man named Dave
                      who kept a dead whore in his cave
                      when asked about the smell
                      he said 'Oh, what the hell'
                      'look at the money I save'


                      • #26
                        This story may not be true but an ancient urban legend.

                        A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

                        Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

                        Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

                        The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

                        The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

                        To: My Loving Wife
                        Subject: I've Arrived
                        Date: October 16, 2009

                        I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

                        I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

                        Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

                        P.S. ***king hot down here!

                        I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


                        • #27
                          Can I have some Irish Sausages please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

                          The assistant looked at him and asked, "Are you Irish?"

                          "If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.

                          "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

                          Then, warming to his theme, he went on,

                          "Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

                          "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?"

                          "Would Ya? Would Ya?"

                          The assistant said, "Well, no."

                          Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.

                          "If I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?"

                          "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

                          "Well no, I probably wouldn't." conceded the assistant.

                          So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,

                          "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

                          The assistant replied................

                          "Because you're in Homebase."

                          I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


                          • #28
                            A dog's life

                            My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

                            The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

                            The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

                            The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

                            The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

                            The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."


                            • #29
                              We were shearing on a big station in Western Queensland when a great ruckus erupted when a young rousie was found 'interfering' with the sheep in the back pens.

                              Some wanted him gone and others said to give the boy another chance, eventually the squater himself got involved and he said, "It is nothing, lots of the boys experiment with this sort of thing, he will grow out of it" then the union delegate shouted "You dont understand, we are shearing the rams this week!"


                              • #30
                                Guy goes into a variety agent ,and when in the room drops his trousers, turns round and starts to sing beautifully through his a$$ .Anyway the agent nearly falls off the chair "brilliant " he exclaims ,he immediatelly telephones his boss and said wait till you hear this he puts his telephone to the guys proud behind and a melody comes out OH sole mio. The agent said what do you think Oh said his boss not bad but singers like that are ten a penny no no you don't understand said the agent he sings beautifull through his a$$ .Oh don't lie to me said his boss.Allright I'll bring him right over said the agent dieing to show the new found skill to his boss.They get into a taxi and head off.When they arrive at the managers office the guy duly drops his trousers and after a few moments sh**s on the expensive rug Oh don't mind that said the singer to the furious boss I'm just clearing my throat .Alistair
                                Last edited by Alistair Hosie; 06-08-2010, 04:12 PM.
                                Please excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease