Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

[Arcane]

Three Canadian men died on Christmas and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The man from British Columbia reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys He shook them and said, '"They're bells."

Saint Peter said "'You may pass through the pearly gates."

The man from Saskatchewan started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The Saskatchewan man replied, "These are Carol's."

[oldtiffie]

Christmas 2011: Legislative Guidelines

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Subject: Technical Support

18 months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkMates 4.2, which I had used for many years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications,such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had too many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time,only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancأ©e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources,it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2007.

Shortly after this upgrade,however I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also had an automatic diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShopBrowser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherinLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2011, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2011, it tends to delete all your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help please.

[sasquatch]

Great FUNNIES guys!!

Thanks for posting them!!

[danlb]

Woman : Hello?
Man: Hi, I'm calling on behalf of the Crisco company. Do you use our product, and if so, how?
Woman: (enthusiastically) Oh Yes, we use it for sex!
Man: Urr... Ummm... Really? For sex?
Woman: Yes, we smear some on the doorknob to keep the kids out.

[oldtiffie]

I love Christmas lights.

They remind me of the people who voted for (Politician of your choice).

They all hang together; half of the bast*rds don't work, and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

[jugs]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.



When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[lynnl]

Not really a joke, but true story:

A week or so ago my daughter and her husband and their 4 kids (ages 5, 7,11, and 13) were dining out with another family.

As they were all sitting and talking after eating, the 5 yr old daughter, who'd been making scribbles and scratches on a piece of paper asked her dad, "Daddy, what does this say?"
He glanced at it, and said "I don't know what that says sweetie."
The 5 yr old, in a loud, laughing, sing-song voice responded, "Daddy can't re-ead, Daddy can't re-ead!"

[Mark McGrath]

Gunner posted this on another forum.I`m sure he won`t mind me copying it here.

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in
the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun
in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of
everyone.
And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

[HWooldridge]

The zoo guide was giving details on the various wild animals they had on display and finally came to the elephant. Among other interesting facts, the tour guide remarked that elephants could not jump under any circumstances - nor could they nod or shake their heads. A crafty fellow in the audience asked what would they give to see an elephant do such things? The guide stammered a bit and had no ready answer - but since it was a privately owned zoo, the question was referred to the owner, who figured the publicity would be good, and he responded with a $100,000 prize if the tricks could be done on command and filmed for posterity.

The man showed up next day with two bricks in hand and walked underneath the elephant's tail, until he was in range of the bull's two large and pendulous globes of virility, then clapped the bricks together onto said organs. Without pause, the elephant promptly jumped straight up a good 6 ft, then fell straight over on its side and wheezed for several minutes. The man waited until the elephant gained its feet and resumed normal breathing then he walked around to the front of the animal.

He held up the bricks and said, "Remember me" - to which the elephant nodded then he said, "Do you want me to do it again?" and the elephant shook his head...

[jugs]

On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex Prime Minister of the UK, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a CarbonTrading Tax for the UK and Europe

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of $hit that it can no longer fly

[Weston Bye]

Similar (same?) politician shows up in Africa, on tour. At a village he gives a speech, periodically interrupted by the villagers shouting "Ungawa! Ungawa!"

After the speech, they went on a tour of the village. Presently they came to view the prize livestock. As they approached the paddocks with the prize bulls the guide turned to the politician and said "Careful you don't step in the Ungawa.

[Arcane]

We used to call our boss at work that (Chief Walking Eagle). He knew what it meant too but couldn't argue with the truth!

[Mark McGrath]

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “[zb]” . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a “[zb] head”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it

and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.

[dogdoctor]

Mabel had been feeling a bit poorly for a few weeks. nothing life threatening . Just a few aches and pains so she went to the doctor. He reassured her that it was just that she was getting older but if she did a few exercises in the morning she would feel much better.
So the very next morning after Dave had got up and gone to the bathroom she threw back the bedclothes, hoisted her nightie up and energetically threw her left leg over her shoulder a few times. On the third go she got it stuck in the bars of the headboard of the brass bed. She attempted to dislodge it with her other leg but only succeeded in getting that one stuck as well.
At that moment Dave came back. As he was fumbling on the bedside table for his glasses he said,
"for Gawds sake Mabel, do your hair and put your teeth in. You look more like your mother every day."

[DATo]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough, all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless bastards at the lumber yard ever bring us the god-damned bricks", replied the little girl.