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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • I just got a good deal on 3/8 shank, 4 flute, 7/16, double ended, end mills.


    • Dewat , i missed the punch line!!


      • dewat.....It takes a mighty special collet to hold it LOL
        Ernie (VE7ERN)

        May the wind be always at your back


        • Mississippi grandma

          Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
          prepared for the answer.

          In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
          witness, a matronly woman to the stand. He approached her
          and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

          She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, I've known you since
          you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
          You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
          them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
          brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
          pusher. Yes, I know you."

          The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
          room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

          She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known him since he was a
          youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
          build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
          worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
          different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

          The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
          approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
          idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
          "People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on" : Winston Churchill


          • An airplane male test pilot became ill and couldn't take his flight.The wife didn't want to lose the money and figured she would put he suit on and no one would know.All went well but the landing was rough and she conked her head on the dash and was knocked out.As she awakened she felt someone pushing down on her chest repeatedly.The person said"Don't worry mister-As soon as we get your testicles down your penis should also come out"


            • Originally posted by dewat
              I just got a good deal on 3/8 shank, 4 flute, 7/16, double ended, end mills.
              Originally posted by dockrat
              dewat.....It takes a mighty special collet to hold it LOL
              Man, I had to read that one a couple of times...I better go to bed...



              • I bought a deodorant stick today
                I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions.
                They said
                'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'
                I'm in Casualty at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!!


                I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


                • I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

                  There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

                  My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

                  One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

                  She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

                  I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

                  Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

                  And the moral of this story is:

                  Always keep your condoms in your car.


                  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing


                  • Jugs I just saw that on a commercial. That was great!


                    • Not a joke- this is a true story..

                      When I'm watching a movie on DVD, I'm oblivious to what else is going on, and I hate distractions and interruptions. A while back my wife calls in from the kitchen " Do you need anything from the supermarket?" I assumed she was making up a shopping list, and mildly annoyed by the interruption, I paused the DVD and shouted back " Yeah, I'm out of condoms at work". I expected a sharp reply, but there was dead silence... Turns out she was on the phone with her mother who was at the store and just checking if she could pick up anything for us,,,,


                      • Air Traffic control.

                        Tower:"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
                        Eastern 702:
                        "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
                        "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
                        Continental 635:
                        "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

                        Sir John , Earl of Bligeport & Sudspumpwater. MBE [ Motor Bike Engineer ] Nottingham England.


                        • PONDERABLES

                          What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?

                          How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?

                          How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

                          Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?

                          If money is the root of all evil then how come churches are always asking for it?

                          If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?

                          If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more stupid people happy?

                          Why does the label on children's Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery ? When was the last time you saw a kid operating heavy machinery?

                          When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not !

                          Is it politically incorrect for the police to tell one-armed criminals to put their hands up?

                          If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back wouldn't the parts you used disappear because they didn't exist then? So how the hell do you get back?

                          If the Better Business Bureau treats you unjustly, who do you complain to?

                          If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

                          Why are rabbit's feet considered lucky? The rabbit had four of them and it didn't do the rabbit any good.

                          If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?

                          Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?

                          When a farmwife leaves her husband does she leave him a John Deere letter?

                          Should you respond when someone says you're in denial, but you know for a fact you're not?

                          If you legally changed your name to Anonymous would you own all the stuff nobody ever wanted credit for?

                          How do you throw away a garbage can?

                          If you were on a plane going 1 MPH below the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front at 2 MPH, would you cause a sonic boom?

                          Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?

                          If you mated a bull dog and a sh*tsu, would it be called a bullsh*t?

                          If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight part in his hair?

                          If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

                          Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

                          Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no human being in their right mind would eat?

                          Why is it that lemon dish soap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificially flavored?

                          If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

                          Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

                          Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed when they know full well they are going to be looking up your vagina in ten minutes?

                          If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

                          If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

                          Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

                          If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?

                          Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids? Is it because kids are too dumb to know they're eating crap?

                          Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

                          If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

                          Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

                          Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of skating rinks?

                          Wouldn't it be something if the hokey-pokey really IS what it's all about?

                          Why do banks leave the safe door wide open but the pens are chained to the counter?

                          If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

                          If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, how could they have Flintstones Christmas and Flintstones Thanksgiving shows?

                          Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

                          How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?

                          Is Disney world the only people trap used by a mouse?

                          Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune? Are people who make up nursery songs musically dysfunctional?

                          Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

                          Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

                          If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

                          Can insurance companies legally refuse to reimburse athiests for acts of God covered in their policy?

                          Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!?

                          How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

                          How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

                          If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

                          If 7-11 is really open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

                          If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of applause?

                          If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

                          If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

                          If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it legally considered a hostage situation?

                          If the cops arrest a mime, is it still necessary for them to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

                          If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?

                          If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

                          If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

                          If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?

                          Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure when they mature?

                          Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

                          When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

                          What were the side effects of Preparations A through G?

                          Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

                          Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

                          Why does WW II footage of kamikaze pilots show them wearing helmets?

                          Why do they bother to report power outages on TV and radio?

                          Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

                          Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

                          Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

                          Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"

                          Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

                          Why is a boxing ring square?

                          Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

                          Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

                          Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

                          Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

                          Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?

                          Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

                          Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

                          Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

                          Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

                          Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

                          Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

                          You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?

                          Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

                          Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

                          Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
                          Last edited by DATo; 01-12-2012, 06:25 PM.


                          • Originally posted by DATo

                            Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
                            YOU JUST BROKE MY BRAIN
                            "The Administration does not support blowing up planets." --- Finally some SENSIBLE policy from the Gov!


                            • Originally posted by DATo

                              Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
                              At my pool, it's called "Chunky-Dunking."


                              • The last 10 pence
                                A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
                                He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

                                Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face ...
                                The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back ...

                                The boy coughs up 2 of the 10ps but is still choking.
                                Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

                                A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
                                At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

                                Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly ... tighter and tighter !!!
                                After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10ps, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

                                Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

                                As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

                                "No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Inland Revenue ... "


                                I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing