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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • "No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Inland Revenue ... "
    That HAS to be an urban myth. Were she with IR, she would not have given the coin back to the father, she'd have kept it and then charged him a quid for the service.

    Pops

    Comment


    • Piet (a Free State farmer) is driving his bakkie past the new petrol station when he notices their advert "Free sex with every fill-up" - he nudges his companion, Koos, awake, "Check this out Koos - Free sex with every fill-up!"

      They pull in and instruct the attendant to "fill-her-up"

      When the bakkie's tank is brimming, they turn to the attendant and demand their "Free sex"

      "Hang on," replies the attendant "I'll get the Baas, he handles the Free sex."

      When the owner appears, he explains to Piet, " Okay, this is how it works - you think of a number between 1 and 10, and I'll think of a number as well, then, if the numbers match you get the sex!" "Now what number are you thinking of?"

      Piet thinks, and says "4." The owner sucks in a bit and says, "Ooh you were close!!" "I was thinking of 6 - well, better luck next time."

      Piet is a bit crestfallen, but a week later, they're back at the pumps - "Fill 'er up!"
      Again the owner appears and they think of a number - Piet thinks hard and comes up with 7 - "Too bad" says the owner, "I was on 9!"

      This goes on a couple more times - and after the latest fail - Piet slaps the dash as they are driving away - "You know Koos, I think that man is trying to fool us - every time he thinks of a different number - I don't think he ever gives away any free sex!"

      Koos replies "No! it really does work! - my wife won twice last month!"

      Comment


      • When my dad was a lad he used to follow horses and carts round with a barrow. Whilst shovelling up outside the assylum, he was asked what he was taking it for. "To put on my rhubarb"


        The reply was, "You should come in here, we have custard on ours"
        John

        I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

        Comment


        • An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a


          small town and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his
          dog.

          He thinks he'll have some fun so he says to the Kiwi "Gday.
          Mind if I talk to your dog?"

          Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk you stupid bloody Aussie."

          Ventriloquist: "Hello dog. How's it going mate?"

          Dog: "Yeh doin' all right."

          Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

          Ventriloquist: "Is this bloke your owner?" (pointing at the kiwi)

          Dog: "Yep"

          Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

          Dog: "Yeh real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
          tucker and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

          Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

          Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

          Kiwi: "Um, the horse doesn't talk either... I think."

          Ventriloquist: "Hey horse how's it going?"

          Horse: "Cool"

          Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

          Ventriloquist: "Is that your owner?"

          Horse: "Yep"

          Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

          Horse: "Pretty good and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
          brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed as protection
          from the Elements."

          Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

          Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

          Kiwi: (in a panic) "Well the sheep's a liar and I wouldn't
          trust a word the little bastard says...."

          John

          I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

          Comment


          • Her: Honey, what would you do if I won the Lottery??

            Him: I'd take half, leave and live the life of luxury without you.

            Her: Good, I won $12, here's your 6 bucks, now get the hell out..........

            Comment


            • Three red-necks are driving down a dirt road, in the country. They happen upon a sheep caught in a barbed wire fence.

              The first red-neck says,"I wish that was Shania Twain..."

              The second red-neck says,"I wish that was Faith Hill..."

              The third red-neck says,"I wish it was dark..."
              No good deed goes unpunished.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Bob D.
                Not a joke- this is a true story..

                When I'm watching a movie on DVD, I'm oblivious to what else is going on, and I hate distractions and interruptions. A while back my wife calls in from the kitchen " Do you need anything from the supermarket?" I assumed she was making up a shopping list, and mildly annoyed by the interruption, I paused the DVD and shouted back " Yeah, I'm out of condoms at work". I expected a sharp reply, but there was dead silence... Turns out she was on the phone with her mother who was at the store and just checking if she could pick up anything for us,,,,
                Ha! That reminds me of a story of mine. Also a real one.

                My mom was pan-frying some fish for me in a non-stick pan one night with her new technique of not using any oil or grease. My grandmother, sitting in the next room, had expressed her disapproval of this new method earlier that night before I arrived. So, ma told me "say that this is the best fish you've ever tasted loud enough for her to hear...he he he". I took a couple bites and ma asked me "how is it?"

                "This is terrible!" I exclaimed, more than loud enough for anyone on the first floor to hear. Mom started laughing and I could almost feel grandma starting to grin...

                Problem was my dad, who was not in on the joke, walked in and when he heard that he almost had a ****ing heart attack. "That's a fine way to show your grattitude!..."
                His face was red and I thought his head was going to explode. We clued him in on the joke and calmed him down.

                A while later I retired into the living room, forgetting all about the joke, and after a minute my grandma, trying not to grin, says "So you didn't like your mom's fish hugh?"
                -Roland
                Golf Course Mechanic

                Bedminster NJ

                Comment


                • I tried to make my racing snail go faster by removing it's shell.

                  If anything, it's now a lot more sluggish..
                  Peter - novice home machinist, modern motorcycle enthusiast.

                  Denford Viceroy 280 Synchro (11 x 24)
                  Herbert 0V adapted to R8 by 'Sir John'.
                  Monarch 10EE 1942

                  Comment


                  • Abe and Zabe live on opposite sides of a deep valley and greet each other every morning by hollering across the valley " Morning Zabe" "Morning Abe" This goes on for years until one morning, "Morning Zabe" no answer and no answer for eight days. On the ninth day "Morning Zabe". "Morning Abe", "Where you bin Zabe?" "City Abe" "Where you stay Zabe" "Whorehouse Abe" "How much it cost Zabe?" "Nothing Abe" "How come cost nothing Zabe?"









                    "Relatives Abe"
                    The difficult done right away. the impossible takes a little time.

                    Comment


                    • Rang the model shop up to ask if they had a model of the Italian cruise liner Costa Concordia.
                      He said they had one so I asked him to put it on one side for me.
                      .

                      Sir John , Earl of Bligeport & Sudspumpwater. MBE [ Motor Bike Engineer ] Nottingham England.



                      Comment


                      • Hollywood Squares

                        Hollywood Squares:
                        These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


                        Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
                        A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

                        (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

                        Q. Do female frogs croak?
                        A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.


                        Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
                        A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


                        Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
                        A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


                        Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
                        A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


                        Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
                        A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


                        Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
                        A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


                        Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
                        A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


                        Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
                        A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


                        Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
                        A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


                        Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
                        A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


                        Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
                        A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


                        Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
                        A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


                        Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
                        A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


                        Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
                        A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


                        Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
                        A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


                        Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
                        A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


                        Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
                        A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


                        Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
                        A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


                        Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
                        A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


                        Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
                        A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


                        Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
                        A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


                        Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
                        A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


                        Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
                        A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


                        Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
                        A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

                        John C

                        Comment


                        • Best strip tease ever.
                          Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

                          Comment


                          • A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

                            After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

                            The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

                            "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

                            "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

                            The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

                            The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

                            The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

                            The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

                            The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

                            The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

                            Comment


                            • The joke is on us

                              While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world . . .

                              And then He made the earth round.

                              Pops

                              Comment


                              • What did the monkey say to the bulldozer?

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                                You are not the only one who can **** up trees...
                                Precision takes time.

                                Comment

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