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Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

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  • Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

    Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

    Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real beech to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

    New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

    This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
    __________________
    Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

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    • My wife had been missing for a week when the police called round & said i should be prepared for some bad news..... so I've just been down the second hand shop to get her clothes back....

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      • Play Brutal Nature, Black Moons free to play highly realistic voxel sandbox game.

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        • A new Army Lieutenant was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert ..

          During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

          He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

          The nervous Sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

          The Lieutenant said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

          About a month later, the Lieutenant starts having his own 'urges'.

          Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

          Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Lieutenant stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

          When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

          'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

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          • George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
            He immediately goes to hell, wherethe devil is waiting for him.


            "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
            You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folk here
            who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

            George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

            In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty
            handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
            in hell.

            "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all
            day long."

            The devil led him to the door of the next room.

            In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
            All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

            "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
            all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

            The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his
            arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

            George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

            The devil smiled and said...........

            "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
            John

            I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

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            • A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

              The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

              The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
              The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

              The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

              The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,..............."You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

              John

              I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure , but I'm not a complete idiot - some bits are still missing

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              • Jeves goes in to dress Lord Corthorpe and finds his lordship with a massive erection. My goodnes milud should I fetch madam? No Jeves, said his lordship, just put out me baggy pants, I'll smuggle this one into town.
                The difficult done right away. the impossible takes a little time.

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                • The following examples may help to clarify the difference between the new and old math.

                  1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his
                  profit?

                  1970 (Traditional math): A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. What is his
                  profit?

                  1975 (New Math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100 and
                  each element is worth $1.

                  (a) Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M
                  (b) The set C representing costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a
                  subset of the set M.
                  (c) What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

                  1990 (Dumbed-down math): A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his
                  profit is $20. Underline the number 20.

                  1997 (Whole Math): By cutting down a forest full of beautiful trees, a logger makes $20.

                  (a) What do you think of this way of making money?
                  (b) How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?
                  (c) Draw a picture of the forest as you'd like it to look.

                  .

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                  • Originally posted by DATo
                    (b) How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?
                    .
                    Why I'd guess the squirrels feel something like this.

                    ----
                    Proud machining permanoob since September 2010

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                    • Can any of the Brits here explain the punchline of the Falklands islands joke? It's basically about how a soldier's body part is still there. I don't get why it's funny?

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                      • Originally posted by beanbag
                        Can any of the Brits here explain the punchline of the Falklands islands joke? It's basically about how a soldier's body part is still there. I don't get why it's funny?

                        dont want to read the whole thread... what post number?

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                        • Originally posted by madwilliamflint
                          Why I'd guess the squirrels feel something like this.

                          Kinda cruel, but I can't help laughing about that poor squirrel

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                          • Originally posted by beanbag
                            Can any of the Brits here explain the punchline of the Falklands islands joke? It's basically about how a soldier's body part is still there. I don't get why it's funny?
                            I found the one he refers to here....
                            http://www.lotsofjokes.com/dirty_jokes_27.asp

                            On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of 100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's 7000 pounds." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's 7500 pounds." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"


                            - -
                            The joke, obviously, is that the man will get a huge reward based on the number of inches from the Faulklands to wherever he was stationed. I'd say it would not quite be enough.

                            Dan
                            At the end of the project, there is a profound difference between spare parts and left over parts.

                            Location: SF East Bay.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by danlb


                              - -
                              The joke, obviously, is that the man will get a huge reward based on the number of inches from the Faulklands to wherever he was stationed. I'd say it would not quite be enough.

                              Dan
                              yeah, I get that part, but why the falkland islands in particular?

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                              • That joke surfaced right after the Faulklands war, It's half a world from England.

                                http://www.google.com/search?channel...utf-8&oe=utf-8

                                Dan
                                At the end of the project, there is a profound difference between spare parts and left over parts.

                                Location: SF East Bay.

                                Comment

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