No announcement yet.

Jokes & Stories . Keep it clean'ish folks

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Just been looking at

    Wow, they have really impressive bus companies!
    All of the gear, no idea...


    • Originally posted by Ian B
      Just been looking at

      Wow, they have really impressive bus companies!
      I thought it might be about hunting ringtailed mammals....



      • Bigbustycoons

        Yeah - me too! Well endowed female ones!
        Kansas City area


        • Funny- I thought it might be about some large drivers of busses
          I seldom do anything within the scope of logical reason and calculated cost/benefit, etc- I'm following my passion-


          • Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

            One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and is severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
            Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

            The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

            Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
            A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

            Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. Sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

            Very soon Mick comes back to work.
            But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident; this time he
            severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

            Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick's doing.
            The nurse breaks down and cries. She says, 'He's dead.'

            Paddy is shocked, but not all that surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

            'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
            All of the gear, no idea...


            • A dusty old cowboy walks into a drug store.

              Clerk: Yes, may i help you sir?

              Cowboy: yup i'd like a box of condoms please.

              Clerk: There you are sir, now would you like a paper bag with that?

              Cowboy: Naw,,, she ain't that ugly!!


              • It was a bad fire and the fire chief got caught in it and burnt to a crisp. Next thing he knows he is back in uniform and standing at the back end of a long line of all sorts of people leading up a golden path to some very ornate gates that appear to be guarded by an angel.

                Being a fire chief he isn't all that accustomed to being kept waiting for anything so he walks up to the angel and asks if he can cut to the front of the line. The angel tells him, "No, you have to wait your turn like everyone else."

                The fire chief goes back to the end of the line to wait for his interview. Suddenly he hears a fire siren and a Chief's car pulls up to the gates. Out jumps another fire chief in full uniform. The angel hustles to open the gates for him and he disappears inside.

                The fire chief in line is a bit annoyed by this as he is also a fire chief so he goes up and asks the angel what's up? Why does that fire chief get special treatment?

                The angel replies "That's God. He just thinks he's a Fire Chief".
                Free software for calculating bolt circles and similar: Click Here


                • I am 62 yrs old worn out knees, bad back and in chronic pain but after reading most but not all of the jokes seem to feel a little better. I woke up this morning and felt so good I felt like a 20 yr old, only problem is my wife won't let me have one. tom


                  • Tom, that is a SAD story!!

                    This topic is supposed to be funny, make us laugh !!!


                    • Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

                      Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

                      He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

                      One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

                      Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

                      Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

                      The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

                      Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

                      Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

                      The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

                      Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

                      The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

                      Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.

                      With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

                      The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

                      The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
                      Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada


                      • An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

                        He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

                        The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

                        The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
                        and returned it to the pocket.

                        The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

                        Again, the engineer took the frog out,
                        smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

                        Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

                        The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer.
                        I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"


                        • A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper
                          and threatening manner.

                          The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

                          The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

                          The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your
                          husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start
                          swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until
                          he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

                          Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
                          She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came
                          home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae
                          touch me even once!

                          Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

                          The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does
                          bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."


                          • Another Doctor Cameron and Janet joke from my school days.

                            Doc: Janat! Poot yer hond oop ma kelt, an tell me what ya feeelll!!

                            Jan: Oooh Docta... It's groosum!!

                            Doc: Aye Janat!! An if leave it theer much longa, it'll groo sum more!



                            • Here's one from the other end of the country, from an interview with Twiggy in this weekend's papers.

                              What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison ?

                              You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
                              Richard - SW London, UK, EU.


                              • Took me a minute to get it....

                                bison = basin (when pronounced with an accent)
                                JHC Dayton, OH